With respect to your recent decision to readily identify a particular personage as a nominee for induction to the eternal flames of Hell, we wish to advise you that proceeding with such an utterance at this time, regardless of its viability within the context of recent and/or long-standing actions and/or events would result in a civil action launched on behalf of the person you are about to name (hereafter referred to as "our client").
Releasing such scurrilous information on the Internet automatically produces a potential audience of approximately 4.666 gazillion people worldwide. Rest assured that this figure would be considered in the calculation of damage to our client's reputation.
(If you are at all curious about how we are able to deduce the identity of our client before an official utterance has been made, suffice it to say that it involves the use of your browser cookies and highly sensitive psychic surveillance technology which has yet to be declared illegal.)
Should you wish to discern whether our client is already contracted for eternal damnation, we suggest that your contact our local FREEDOM OF INFORMATION office.
