So, today is your 4 month birthday. Your daddy was going crazy at the store trying to buy everything he could think of that you would want. You won't remember anything he bought you so I guess I'll just tell you. He bought you one new everyday outfit for each month you've been alive. Then he realized that you needed something to wear to church, so of course, he bought one new church dress for each month you've been alive. Then he remembered that you needed shoes, and socks, and leggings with cute little ruffles on the butt, and little headbands with cute ribbons on top. By the time we walked out of Macy's, he had spent close to six hundred dollars. Two of that six belonged to mommy. Daddy bought me two cute zip down jackets from DKNY. He spoils the both of us and it's not something I want to get used to but looks like I'm going to have to try.

In all the notes I've written to you over the past four months I've never told you anything bad. I always tell you about how much me and daddy love you and how much we can't wait to see you grow up, but we are like normal mommies and daddies all over the world. We've had problems in the past, and we still do. Honestly, if you never came along, me and daddy would be just friends. In fact, your dad didn't know about you until a few months before you were born. When he found out I thought he would get angry. Instead, he was the opposite. He was shocked at first, but afterwards he was so happy! He smiled all the time. And, he still does.

Maybe when you're older and I let you read these letters, maybe, *just* maybe, I'll tell you all about it. Let's just say that mommy was afraid to *not* be alone. I was so used to being emotionally alone. I cherished being alone and I loved it. Even with all the boyfriends I had, and I had many, I was still alone. But, when your dad came along, he swept me off my feet. I loved it! It was the best time of my life. Your aunt Eve was the same way. Uncle Kevin swept her off her feet, too. We were two best friends in love, but something changed. I started a new career. I was just like your dad. I sang, toured, did promotion, and had fun! But, at the same time I didn't have your dad. I was lonely and too full of pride to have him in my life. I told him and every one of your uncles and aunts that I was just too busy to have a relationship. But, it was just fear of the things that might have come if we continued to be together.

By the time you're 18, I will probably tell you about my past with men. I guess I was a good punching bag for a lot of them. So, I carried along that excess bagage into my relationship with your dad. Things for us went from good to bad to worse. Once I realized what was wrong with me, thanks to your uncle Mitchell who you met last week but you're too little to remember, I decided to fix things with your dad. But, I started to get sick. A lot. So, daddy yelled at me to go to the doctors. Uncle Nick took me and we found out that there were three things wrong with me. The first was that I had the flu. I could have told anyone that. The second thing was that they found a few cancerous cells. They treated that with oral medication. And, of course, the third thing was that I was pregnant. But, I didn't know how to tell your dad.

I put it off for six months. I went to stay with your Uncle Alexei in LA just to get away from it all. I needed time to think but at the same time you were growing...and fast! When I finally got enough courage to tell your dad, your uncle died in a car accident. At the funeral, your dad found out all about you. I guess that was the first step I needed to help build things back to the way they should be.

Now that you're four months old, I can't wait to see how you turn out. Will you grow up to sing? You've got the lungs! When you're hungry, you scream! Your dad bought us ear plugs just for feeding time. Will you act? Your dad thinks so. You always throw a fit with me but once daddy walks into the room you turn sweet and coo to him and smile. Maybe you'll model. No! Me and dad aren't exactly tall. But who knows what you'll do. Whatever it is you'll always have me and dad behind you. And if you fall, don't worry. Everyone falls when they start to discover who and what they are. We'll be here to pick you up if you want us. If you're anything like me and dad, then you're going to fall on your own and pick yourself up.