The two highlights of the day:

It was confirmed that I was accepted into (AP) English and (AP) US History, and getting into AP English I was the highest rated.

It looks like I'm writing another late journal entry. I just finished dinner. Liz had left right before dinner. Before I go into all the things that are on my mind, the poetry that's spewing from my thoughts, the sadness, the joy, everything that I'm having to deal with, let me talk about yesterday. If I get too far ahead of the game, I'll become left behind.

Last night I went to the Sports Awards for my school. I got a few little acknowledgments. One of them was for being a 4.0 Scholar Athlete. Another was for JV Track (Distance), and then they told everyone that next year they're expecting me to be a varsity runner, and are looking forward to having me come back next year.

I talked to Liz on the phone until 12:30 in the morning. We talked about everything that's important in teenage relationships. First of all, where we stand. Secondly, sex. We talked about her cancer, for a long, long time. We talked about everything that's going on in both of our lives. We talked about my pessimism, our differences, what she called my "inability to express myself." I almost laughed at her when she said that, but I'm not that sort of person. I had to smile, nod, and tell her I understood.

I'm noticing how mixed my feeling are at the moment, so please consider that. Tomorrow I have a test in World Civ, but I'm not that worried about it; I feel comfortable as a matter of fact. The thing that aches at me more is what I remember from Liz and I discussing her cancer. She told me that she didn't want to take treatment, that she was tired of being sick, that she just wants it to end. She told me it would be 6 to 8 months.

I argued. But this isn't my battle. It's her choice. I shed a tear for the first time in a long time this morning. I wasn't so sure how it happened, I must have been thinking about it a lot. Since she just left an hour or so ago, I just noticed that her scent is still on my hands. Is it obsession to consider how much I like her when she isn't here? I don't want this to be an obsession, but I don't want it to be simply a hobby. I'm honored that she has chosen me to be with her for the last little bit of her life, but the thing I worry about, deep and horribly in the back of my mind, is "what if" she doesn't want me? "What if" I'm not for her? "What if" deep down she is pushing me away because of some reason I don't understand. Oh forget it, I can't talk about this right now.

I like Liz very much. I like her enough that I think I can say that I love her. As a matter of fact, I love her. I want to be with her. And what I know is that there's a high chance that I'm going to lose her. I can't begin to express the pain that's stabbing me right now. I feel so helpless. Why can't anyone help her? Years of medical science and they can't treat her painlessly? Why her?! Why me . . .

I just want to ease her pain.

I just want to ease her pain . . .

I'm thinking about when she was leaving. I told my mom I'd be back for dinner right away. We walked out to her car, and she kissed me once. Of course I kissed her back. I pushed her up gently against her car, and we kissed for a minute or so. It became a little passionate, but very sensual. I had asked her where she liked me touching her the most earlier that night. Being inexperienced in the art of love, I sometimes use words to make up for my inexperience and hidden capabilities. She told me, so I held her for a moment, and we kissed. When we finally parted, ten minutes had gone by. I felt as though letting go of her hand was like letting go of a forming part of myself.
I can't wait until I have my license.

I don't want to seem like a sap. Or too much of a romantic. I'm still very much a strong, stable, and sane man. I don't want anyone to think otherwise. I feel much better now that I was able to express everything that I'm not able to necessarily do verbally. Occasionally I wish for other things: a more muscular body, better complexion, more skills with the ladies, you know - the things guys wish for. Right now, I have nothing to wish for except for Liz to get better. And that'd take a miracle. Regardless, I still think Liz is my miracle girl.

The thing I wish she'd do the most is tell me how she feels. She doesn't. I don't think she really knows, and doesn't want to make the commitment. It just tears me apart, because before I really fall deeply in love with her, (because I am still not yet able to determine whether or not I love her, and I don't think at this point in our relationship I should be, I just know that I want to be with her very much.) . . . Anyway, before I fall deeply in love with her, I need for her to make up her mind. I have been hurt so many times, which is exactly why I was so scared going into this relationship. And it seems like I've played my cards just right to get myself hurt again. I'm putting my heart out into her hands, and it's right there for her. Will she help it beat? Will she break it?

Ease the pain . . .
And so goes another pretty night.

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