Weaver's News Spin
March 1998
A review of events and their interpretation.
Tuesday, 31 March
The Teletubbies have been nominated for a prestigious Ivor Novello songwriting award. Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Tinky Winky and Po have received the honour for their Christmas recording, Teletubbies say eh-o!. The fab four face weak competition from Elton Bonbon for Something about the b-side of this track tonight, Chumbawumba's Ministerdrenching, Natalie Umbrellastand's tribute to Penfold, Cripes, Chief, That's Torn It!, and last year's winner, the Spice Girls, with Spice out of your life. Oasis were denied a nomination, causing lead yatterer Noel Lin Brain to open his mouth. Boring, isn't it.
Football on the domestic and European stages. Newcastle and Wimbledon fought out a 0-0 draw, while Arsenal beat Bolton 1-0 to cut the gap at the top to 3 points. Barnsley lost 2-1 to European challengers Blackburn. In the semi finals of the UEFA cup, Inter Milan beat Spartak Moscow 2-1, and Athletico Madrid lost 1-0 against Lazio.
And the opening night of major league baseball saw defeats for the expansion sides in Tampa Bay and Arizona. Defending champions Florida beat Chicago, while the NY Mets and Philadelphia fought a 0-0 draw through 13 innings; the Mets scored the run. Milwaukee's move to the National League fell flat as they lost to the city's old side, the Atlanta Braves. And Baltimore's bid to win the World Series suffered an early setback with a defeat at the hands of the Kansas City Royals. The pre-season favourites have 161 games left to recover the deficit.
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Monday, 30 March
Porn star Gary Glittery is arrested by artistic police and will now face 54 charges relating to his collection of bad 70s records. Glittery, real name Paul Gadabout, first came under suspicion after a CD of The Best Of Glam! was found in his hi-fi system during a routine repair last autumn. He's charged on the counts of being in posession of records designed to corrupt, pervert and be generally regarded as crap.
Toy Bair spends a meeting with union leaders, but dismisses the topic of union recognition in less than ten seconds. Long enough to say that a union is what it wants to be, nothing more, nothing less. Heck, that's a union, and you'll know one when you see one.
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Sunday, 29 March
Details of security measures at Tony Blair's Sedgefield mansion are in the public domain. A blunder by planning officials meant that the secret plans were published after Blair requested planning permission to improve security. In the plans are details of a tunnel, to protect the Prime Minister from terrorist attacks and other exploding ministers.
Chelsea win the League Cup, beating Middlesborough 2-0 after extra time. Boro featured new signing Paul Gascoigne, making his return to England on the ground he left the game almost seven years ago. Frank Sinclair took the lead five minutes into extra time, with Roberto di Matteo adding a second just after the turnround.
Another McLaren 1-2 as Mika Hakkinen takes his 3rd straight Grand Prix from David Coulthard in Brazil. Michael Schumaccer finished 3rd, but defending champion Villeneuve finished out of the points.
The first one day international sees Nick Knight score 122 in an England innings of 293/5; 165 of them came in a record opening stand with Alex Stewart. The score is the highest ever attained in international cricket at the Kensington Oval. Brian Lara led the fightback with a captain's innings of 106, but after he was run out, the West Indies fell all out to 277. England win by 16 runs
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Saturday, 28 March
Conservative leader William Hague pledged to lead like Mrs Thatcher did. Thatcher led the Conservatives to three election victories between 1975 and 1990. Evidently Hague will force his opinions on a party that tends to believe otherwise, before taking a chance to do so on an unsuspecting nation before seeing his policy adopted by the opposition. Remember: Thatcherism didn't emerge for some time after she took office.
A march to legalise cannabis in London attracted around 100,000 people. While the organisers, The Independent paper, claimed this was a massive show of public support, this is less than 40% of those there at the start of the month to demonstrate in favour of countryside activities.
Far more sensible activities on the Thames, where Cambridge University beat Oxford in their annual challenge rowing match. The Cambridge eight, the heaviest crew ever to take part, won a close and dirty race by three lengths.
Wins for Manchester United, Arsenal and Liverpool mean it's as you were at the top of the Premier League in England. Liverpool's win came 3-2 at Barnsley in a match that the referee refused to control for five minutes. Tottenham picked off a vital win over Crystal Palace; the latter side now looks doomed.
In Scotland, leaders Celtic drew 0-0 with second placed Hearts. Third placed Rangers won 3-2 to come within 3 points of the top.
And congratulations to Notts County, who are the champions of Division 3. They're the first side to win a division as early as March since the war.
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Friday, 27 March
Arsenal FC drops its bid to take over Wembley stadium. The English national stadium, named after the famous Fraggle, was the target of a hostile take over bid. Another claim, by Chelsea, looks set to go ahead if the Blues can win the stadium in the Wembley Final this Sunday.
A rock has appeared on the Teletubbies' road to international domination. Their new album looks set to enter the charts at a lowly #31 following a decision by some major chains to hide it in the obscure World Music area. Michael Crabonovitch, head of racking at HNV's flagship Oxford Road store, said Well, it has to be world music. They come from Teletubbyland, after all. The Teletubbies looked at the rock on the road, danced around it, but it vanished just before Laa Laa started singing.
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Thursday, 26 March
Chocolate will still be called chocolate, in spite of the efforts of European bureaucrats. Their case was that there was too much milk for British chocolate to bear that name, preferring the designation Extra lactate-based cocoa solids. Lobbying from sane voices has told these meddlers exactly where to go, and means that there's no changes for the best food in the world.
Transfer deadline day in English football. Paul Gascoine moves to Middlesborough from Rangers for 3 million; he'll debut in the League Cup Final on Sunday. Sasa Curcic completes a million pound move from Villa to Crystal Palace, while young star Mark Kennedy goes from Liverpool to Wimbledon for two million. Wolves sign Steve Claridge from Leicester; the star midfielder has been out of favour this season, and is eligable for the cup semi next weekend.
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Wednesday, 25 March
Senator George Mitchell announced that the Ulster peace talks must reach a deal before Easter. The talks have been under way since June 1996, and survived longer than John Major's premiership, the last IRA ceasefire, and the movie Titanic.
A series of international football matches tonight. Two players were sent off as Germany beat world champions Brazil 2-1. England drew 1-1 in Switzerland, their blushes saved by a late Paul Merson goal. Jamaica drew 0-0 with Wales, Scotland lost 1-0 to Denmark and the Czech Republic beat Ireland 2-1.
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Tuesday, 24 March
The Guernsey fire brigade has taken delivery of a new ladder. The pieces of metal with shorter struts linking them was custom made for the Channel Island force by makers in Southampton. The 14-strong fire fighters are being trained in how to use this new piece of equipment.
British intelligence has credited Sadaam Hussein with a brilliant new strategy; poisoning duty free bottles of drink with the deadly anthrax bug. Hussein's master plan overlooks only two small points. One, duty free will be abolished for most UK journeys within 18 months. Two, Russian premier Boris Yeltsin is due to attend the Birmingham summit of the G7 this June, a visit that is expected to leave the country dry until near Christmas.
Rain and a Nasser Hussein century meant that the 6th test looked like winding down to a tame draw, until another England collapse meant they were all out for 314, and the Windies win the series 3-2. England captain Mike Atherton announced his resignation straight after. Adam Hollioake will skip the one day side on the remainder of this tour. |
Monday, 23 March
Boris Yeltsin fired the entire Russian government, replacing Chernomerdyn, Hasbukov and Chekitov with younger men, more able to run his reform plans. The new prime minister, 37, becomes the first major leader to be younger than Toy Bair, but is still nearly twice the age of William Slappy Hague.
Red faces at the BBC, as the usually unflappable Robert Kilroy-Silk came cheek to cheek with a mooner on his national tv talk show. The man, who had confessed to being a serial adulterer, dropped his trousers and bared his bottom at the camera. Rumours that this was just a publicity stunt to attract viewers as the opposition ITV relaunch their daytime schedules were denied.
And the cricket rolls on. Carl Hooper made 108* before the West Indies closed at 500/8, a lead of 373. Atherton fell for 13, Butcher for a duck. Stewart and Hussein put on 78 before Stewart went for 79, and England closed at 177/3, still 200 runs behind.
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Sunday, 22 March - Mothering Sunday
Well, it's taken 29 weeks, but there's to be a seat belt campaign using the history of Diana Spencer-Windsor. Trivia fans may recall that she failed to survive a car crash in Paris last August, in a car she was not strapped into. Finally, the RAC has launched the campaign that we've all been expecting. The knee-jerk reaction that this disgraces the memory of the woman blah blah blah was put forward by Ann Widdecombe, a former Tory.
The West Indies progressed well. At one stage, they were 300/1, with Lambert making 104, Wallace 92 and Lara 89 in a closing total of 358/5.
In the rugby, Scotland ran England close with two tries in injury time, but still lost 34-20. |
Saturday, 21 March
The 1996 Channel Tunnel fire was started deliberately, according to the official report. The blaze, which closed the tunnel for nearly a month, occured during a demonstration by striking French lorry drivers. The fire is cited to vandalism, but not arson.
In Calcutta, India trounced Australia by an innings and 219 runs to win the series 2-1. The scores: Australia 233 and 181, India 633/5 declared. Azharuddin was made man of the match for his 167*.
Not so good in Antigua, where England staged their first real collapse of the season, creeping to 127. Hussein made 37 and Stewart 22, but Headley, Thorpe and Russell fell for a total of 6. The West Indies stormed to 126/0 by the close.
In Scotland, wins for Celtic, Rangers and Hearts keeps the status quo at the top of the Premier Division. South of the border, there are no Premier League games due to a midweek international. Notts Forest come from behind to beat Birmingham 2-1 and stay top of the First Division, while Sunderland overcome Oxford to go 2nd. Both Cup semi-finalists in action perform poorly; Wolves lose 3-0 at Ipswich, and Sheffield Utd draw 0-0 at lowly Manchester City.
In the European Rugby, Wales win 30-21 in Ireland and look set to finish 3rd in the final standings.
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Friday, 20 March
This week's French seaworker dispute happened today, with a day of inaction protesting the end of duty free sales this December. The sales, a method for ferry and airport companies to fleece unsuspecting passengers with goods that aren't liable for tax yet only seem to be 5% cheaper than in regular stores, will be abolished for journeys between EU nations. In order to prevent this, the ports of Calais, Boulougne and Caen were closed, as was le Shuttle under the Channel. As a result, many journeys were cancelled, and much duty free sales didn't happen.
Leo di Laine fever hit London last night, as the 23-year-old hunk dropped in to the premiere of his latest film, The One With Leo's Dodgy French Accent. The 20,000 screaming girlies prefer to believe reports that di Laine is unhappy with his previous girlfriends (all models: go fig), and that his love life can be best described by his other film of the moment, Romeo + Juliet. What none of the media seem to have picked up on is that a) he's happily engaged and has been since last summer, b) he's a better looker than actor, and c) he doesn't even get wet in his latest movie.
Far more serious matters in Antigua, where the 6th and final test began. Not for very long, though. Only 11 overs were possible between shower A, which had delayed play for two hours, and rainstorm B, which brought proceedings to a soggy halt less than an hour later; and another 10 and a half at the end of the day. In that time, the Windies won the toss and elected to field, Atherton went out to 15, Butcher fell for a duck, Stewart progressed to 18 and England closed on 35/2. |
Thursday, 19 March
The House of Lords has assented to moves that will remove the death penalty for treason. The penalty, which hasn't been carried out since 1757 (or last August, depending on whom you believe), remained when hanging for murder was abolished in 1965.
The USA is considering allowing direct flights to Cuba for the first time since 1959. The US government, behoven to powerful but shady influences based in Miami, had denied the respectibility of the Castro administration until the Pope visited Cuba early this year. Now, kow-towing to the powerful Irish-Catholic forces in Boston, the flights look set to be approved by Madeline Albright, herself mainly in debt to the Noo Yawkers.
Disney is to launch a stage musical of its hit cartoon Hunchback of Notre Dame. The 1996 movie opened to rave reviews around the world, and the musical will premiere in Munich next summer. Stars in the running for the title role are believed to include Issac Hanson, Jason Donovan and Leonardo di Laine.
And the Cup Winners' Cup hit the quarter final stage. Chelsea progressed 3-1 over Real Betis, and will meet Vicenza, 5-1 winners over Roda JC. The other semi final will be between Stuttgart and Lokomotiv Moscow, both 1-0 winners tonight.
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Wednesday, 18 March
A bomb hoax delayed construction work on Meddlesome's Folly at Greenwich. The delay to building the white elephant, a mess of plastic, metal rods and pointless tawdry bits inside, has been claimed by the shadowy Reclaim the Millennium group, a force committed to bringing the Christian message into the celebrations, in spite of the atheistic line peddled by the official committee.
Quarter finals night in the European Cup rolls round, and out fall Manchester Untied, beaten on the away goal rule by Monaco. Borrussia Dortmund need extra time to beat Bayern Munich 1-0, Real Madrid stuff Leverkusen 3-0 and Juventus recover in some style, taking a 4-1 victory in Kiev to oust Dinamo from the contest. The semis see Juve host Monaco, and Real Madrid meeting Borussia Dortmund.
Domestically, Rangers will meet Celtic in the semi-finals of the Scottish cup after winning 2-1 at Dundee, thanks to a pair of goals from Ally McCoist. Newcastle lost to bottom placed side Crystal Palace, and there were demonstrations against board members who were quoted in a tabloid as calling local women "dogs". And Wolves drew 0-0 at Swindon. |
Tuesday, 17 March
Chancellor Gordon Brown unveiled his first full budget. The entire tax system is up for review, but not till next year. Tax on companies and individual incomes came down slightly, but that for consumption of petrol and tobacco went sharply up. The tax on capital gains will be reduced to less than 25% for assets held more than 7 years, and new credits will support working families earning less than GBP 180 per week.
Former cabinet minister Johnathan Aitken was arrested over charges of perjury and attempting to pervert the course of justice in his libel action against the Grauniad and Granada tv last year. The trial, over claims that Aitken was a money laundering philanderist in hock to Saudi business interests, collapsed after documentary evidence refuting Aitken's claims was brought to light.
Crap singer Mark Morrison was detained on bail in Peckham. Morrison, 26, had been detained for failing to fulfil his community service order imposed after being convicted of beating up photographgers last year. Morrison will now be prevented from recording or promoting his tracks for not quite long enough.
Quarter final action in the UEFA Cup. Spartak Moscow booked their place with a 1-0 victory over Ajax, 4-1 on aggregate. Lazio and Inter Milan completed their victories, although Milan needed extra time to score the away goal they needed. And last British representatives Aston Villa went out on the away goals rule, in spite of beating Athletico Madrid 2-1. The Italian clubs were kept apart in the semi-final draw; Inter will take on Spartak Moscow, and Lazio are up against Athletico.
Both replay matches in the FA Cup went to penalties, following a 1-1 draw. Sheffield United and Arsenal progress to the last four, eliminating Coventry and West Ham. |
Monday, 16 March
A prisoner died in the Maze prison on Saturday night. Originally attributed to a suicide, evidence today proved that murder was afoot. This becomes the second killing at the prison since Christmas. Another prisoner is helping police with their inquiries. Surely this calls for some proper supervision at this prison.
Passport checks for people leaving the UK will be abolished at the end of the month. The staff will be freed to make further checks on people trying to enter the country. Hopefully, this will enable a lane for entrants from Commonwealth countries to be re-established. Bids for the space occupied by the passport kiosks at Heathrow airport start at 2.5 million pounds. |
| The death of Dr Benjamin Spock (94), the child care guru who advocated giving babies as much care and attention as possible, and putting it at the centre of the family. While this has led to many happy people, and the breakdown of many relationships, this was advice that Spock never put into practice himself. |
| Rain ruined the final day of the test. The West Indies were reduced to 112/2 before play was finally abandoned with the match ending as a draw. |
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This page updated Mar 31, 1998