Weaver's News Spin

March 1998

A review of events and their interpretation.  
Sunday, 15 March
Conservative MP Michael Prior has confirmed that he smoked cannabis when he was younger. Saying it was a phase he grew out of, Prior called for a royal commission to look at possible legalisation of the soft drug. This was a call rejected by home secretary Jack Manofstraw.

French local elections have confirmed the high status of Prime Minister Lionel Jospin. With the right wing parties split by their own divisions, the socialists cruised to an easy victory. One interesting point was the failure of the ultra far right National Front to profit from this division; they held at their traditional 15% national support.

Leeds trounce Derby 5-0 to move into a European berth at the expense of the best performers in the Midlands. Charlton and Sunderland drew 1-1 in a First Division promotion scrap.
Celtic failed to extend their lead at the top of the Scottish Premier, drawing 1-1 with Dundee United, leaving the side 2 points clear of Hearts with 8 games to go.

In the cricket, England pushed on to a declaration at 233/3 with 90 minutes of the day left. Atherton scored a secure 64, to quell reports of his resignation, putting on 101 for the first wicket with Stewart. Hussein and Thorpe whipped up 60 in an unbeaten stand for the 4th wicket. West Indies got off to a quick start, making 71/0 by the close.

 
Saturday, 14 March
Protests on the Tamar Bridge between Devon and Cornwall. The activists were annoyed at the constant lack of government recognition of their distinct society, language and heritage, and the poor economic outlook for the western county. Stunts centred on asking drivers to pay the 1 pound fee to cross the bridge in coppers. Further protests, including sealing all access roads, have not been ruled out.

In the English Premier League, Arsenal took a giant step towards sealing their first title in seven years with a 1-0 victory at Manchester United. Liverpool and Tottenham shared a 3-3 draw that will benefit neither side greatly. Barnsley took a 4-3 win at Southampton, while Villa beat Crystal Palace 2-1. Nottingham Forest secured top slot in division 1 as Middlesborough were held to a draw.
In Scotland, leaders Celtic don't play till tomorrow. Even so, they gained the upper hand as Hearts drew 1-1 with Aberdeen, and Motherwell beat Rangers 2-0.

Over in Barbados, the West Indies were bowled out for 262. Lambert top scored with 55, joined by useful contributions from Wallace and Chanderpaul. Pick of England's bowlers was Caddick, taking 2/28, and Headley's 3/64. Adding to a lead of 141, England cracked to 2/0 off the last two overs of the day.

 
Friday, 13 March
The bid by backbencher Michael Foster to ban hunting of wild mammals has fallen in the Commons. After two days of heinously dull debate, the bill has finally run out of time for debate. While not a victory for anyone, this defeat will allow space for more reasoned debate about the morality of and alternatives to the traditional methods of dealing with foxes. Sadly, I don't expect this opportunity to be taken by the animal rights fanatics, who never deal with the responsibilities of animals.

The Lord Chief Justice, Lord Bingham, called for the abolition of a mandatory life sentence for murderers. At the moment, all people convicted of murder are sentenced to life, with the judge recommending a minimum to be served, a figure that can be changed by both the Chief Justice and Home Secretary. Bingham described this procedure as flawed, as it ignores basic principles of morality and justice.

A good day for England in Barbados. Thorpe and Ramprikash put on 205 for the 6th wicket, before Thorpe finally fell for 103. His partner Ramprakash made 154, with a spirited 31 from Dean Headley in a total of 403 all out. The West Indies got off to a swift reply, moving to 83/1 by the close.

 
Thursday, 12 March
Peace in Ulster is agonisingly close, claims Toy Bair. Speaking after a meeting with Gerry Adams, linked with the IRA, the Prime Minister said that he was optimistic about the prospects of a resolution within the next few months.

Arsenal FC announced an ambitious plan to buy Wembley stadium. The club have run into problems over extending their existing Highbury stadium (capacity 33,000), and are looking to buy out the national stadium (capacity 80,000). This bid is been opposed by the English FA, Wembley Stadium plc, and the current owners Chelsea FC.

The 5th Test starts in Barbados. The West Indies won the toss and elected to field. They got off to a cracking start, eliminating Atherton, Stewart and Hussain as England performed their ritual slump to 33/3. A stand of 78, shared between the (retired injured) Thorpe, Ramprakash and Russell, advanced the score to 131/5. Thorpe returned to partner Rampers and quickly racked things up to the closing total of 264/5.

 
Wednesday, 11 March - No Smoking Day
Prompted by a new scientific study, the government moved closer to a total ban on smoking in public places today. The chief health officer, Sir Kenneth Calmdown, said that the latest study could be very interesting after he had stuck it in his pipe and smoked it. Meanwhile South Wales and West Trains announced that their services would be non-smoking from the end of May. They wouldn't run on time, and now you can't smoke on them either.

Members of the pop industry attacked the government in one of the self-important rock weeklies. The concerted attacks didn't concentrate on self-aggrandising contracts, anti-competitive practices or product dumping, concepts that are not unknown to the music industry. Instead, the acts concerned cynically concentrated on the issues that affect the readers of the inky rag concerned, and not their own interests. While this cheap publicity stunt appears to prove that the bands share concerns with the people who pay their wages, it's just going to add to the popular misconception that politicians don't, won't and can't care about young people and their concerns.

Interesting night in the Premier League. Manchester Utd were held 1-1 at West Ham, allowing Arsenal to close the gap at the top to 9 points with a 1-0 win at Wimbledon. The top two meet on Saturday. Blackburn crashed out of the title race with a 4-0 defeat to Newcastle, Chelsea stuffed Crystal Palace 6-2 and Barnsley did themselves every favour by beating Aston Villa 1-0. In the First Division, Middlesborough beat Swindon 6-0 to go top.

 
Tuesday, 10 March
The Television and Radio Club had their award bash this lunchtime. Winners included Michael Palin, for his Full Circle travelogue series, Channel 5's Kirsty Young as best news presenter, and BBC Radio 5's Breakfast Programme as the best radio show - beating the unlikely combination of Chris Evans and The Archers. Presenter Jane Garvey said "I'm over the moon. Totally ecstatic. If you'll excuse me, I need a cup of tea and a bit of a nap".

The BAFTA film shortlist is also announced. Romeo + Juliet is the only picture to get nominations in four categories: Claire Danes for best actress, Baz Luhrmann for direction, Nellie Hooper's music and best adaptive screenplay. Receeding Oscar favourite Titanic is also featured in direction and music, and for best picture. It's worth noting that this picture hasn't been nominated for a screenplay award anywhere, and that Kate Bremsome couldn't even get a nomination for Best British Actress.

Paul Gascoine, the England midfielder, has turned down a chance to play out his career with the Kansas City Wiz by signing for London's 6th side Crystal Palace. The team, under new ownership and bottom of the Premier League, need an infusion of new talent to compete at this level. The signing of injury-prone Gascoine will fail to do that.

 
Monday, 9 March - Commonwealth Day
Rosian McAliskey will not be extradited to Germany. The request has been denied on medical grounds, and not because the German evidence is flimsy at best.

After Iraq, the UN turns its attention back to FormerYugoslavia again. The Serb Republic has been threatened with a renewed bout of sanctions following clashes between Serbs and Albanians in the southern region of Kosovo. Yip, it's the good old Iraqis bad, Americans good thing again, with the very subtle twist of substituting Serbs for Iraqis. Who cares, so long as the networks get some good footage...

Compare and Contrast

The Royal Family needs to be slimmed down to the monarch and her immediate successors.
- A report from the Windsor's own Way Ahead group, who suggest that Fergie should never have been an HRH.
We believe Queen Elizabeth I, although one heck of a flirt, was still a virgin at her death.
- The official line following a new film that will suggest otherwise.
 
Sunday, 8 March - International Women's Day
Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott faced charges of abusing a trust fund. He declared the income from the fund in 1995, but payed the cash into his office in 1996 and did not declare it. This is the sort of thing that drove the Conservatives out of power last year.

FA Cup: Arsenal come from behind to draw 1-1 with West Ham; Newcastle topple Barnsley by a very flattering 3-0 in a match ruined by abysmal refereeing. In Scotland, Celtic ousted Dundee Utd 2-1.

Formula One's season opened in Melbourne with a 1-2 for the McLaren team. Mika Hakkinen was controversially waved through by David Coulthard to take the win. Defending champion Jacques Villeneuve finished 5th; Heinz-Harald Frentzen came 3rd but Michael Schumaccer failed to finish.

 
Saturday, 7 March
The royal family announced reforms that will slightly change the monarchy. The Union Flag will be flown over Buckingham Palace when the monarch is not in residence, but will make way for the Royal Standard when she is there. The title Her Royal Highness will be restricted to the monarch and her immediate successor(s), and advice has been issued to confirm that bowing and curtseying has always been optional, not mandatory. In short, this gives the appearance of change, but protects the mystery and oddities that have always been part of the British royals.

Yay Wolves! In the 6th round of the FA Cup, First Division Wolves threw out second favourites Leeds Utd with a Don Goodman goal. It's the Wanderer's first appearance in the semis since 1981. In today's other match, Coventry and Sheffield Utd drew 1-1, and will replay in 10 days.

North of the border, it's also quarter finals day in the cup. Falkirk upset St Johnstone 3-0, while title chasing Hearts dispatched Ayr 4-1.

In Premier League action, leaders Manchester Utd fell 2-0 at Sheffield Wednesday. Liverpool moved into second place, defeating Bolton 2-1, and Southampton downed Everton by the same score. In Division 1, Notts Forest pulled 3 points clear at the top, winning 4-1 at Crewe, while Sunderland took second place with a 4-1 victory over high-flying Stockport.

 
Friday, 6 March
Legal action on both sides of the Atlantic. In Boston, the appeal stage of British au pair Louise Woodward was dramatically postponed following an explosion in the basement of the court buildings. They'll do it all again Monday.
Over in Luxembourg, the European Court of Human Rights has agreed to hear a case brought on behalf of two children convicted of murder in 1993. The two kids were convicted in an adult court at the age of 11. On the grounds that the court case itself was inhumane and degrading, the court will hear them out. This decision doesn't mean that the children will be freed - the court doesn't have that power, and the lawyers aren't calling the convictions into question. They are seeking clarification of the fuzzy area of the boundary between appropriate sanctions for criminals, and the rights of children.

Staying with matters judicial, Home Secretary Jack Man Of Straw announced plans to stop men charged with rape from cross-examining their alleged victims, claiming that this was often as humiliating and degrading as the original attack. Again, Man Of Straw has totally missed the point. It's not who is pursuing that line of questioning that is morally offensive, but that a woman's sexual history is being admitted to evidence in the first place. This comes about in spite of guidelines issued back in 1976, which judges have never attempted to enforce.

Oasis singer Liam Gallagher was arrested by police in Melbourne today and charged with assaulting a fan. The un-named victim, 26, was walking down a street late in the evening when Gallanofbeer came up and started to sing very poor songs to his face. Singing in a manner liable to bring music into disrepute is a criminal offence in Victoria, and this incident prevents Gallonoflagerlagerlager from breaking that law again in the next 28 days, or face forfeiture of his entire collection of Beatles memrobilia.

 
Thursday, 5 March
NASA has found evidence of water on the moon. The ice, stored in frozen form near to the lunar poles, paves the way for human habitation within a few decades. It also kills the idea that the moon is made of green cheese, favoured by mice across the planet. In fact, it accords with the theory propounded by Liz Windsor Sr - a frozen ball of gin.

Cup Winners' Cup Quarter Final night, and Chelsea cement their favourites' status with a 2-1 win at Real Betis. Elsewhere, Athens and Lokomotiv Moscow drew 0-0, Vicenza notched up a 4-1 win at Roda, and VfB Stuttgart drew 1-1 at Slavia Prague.

Butlins' Holidays announced plans to withdraw comedians telling mother in law gags. The jokes, introduced with the concept of regulated entertainment in the 1830s, were described as shockingly new and a breath of fresh air at the time. However, the proud tradition of one-liners based around the wife's interfering mother, who always thinks her daughter married a plonker, has been superceded by new topics of humour, such as Disraeli, the Hundred Years War, and the discovery of fire. They've also been overtaken by the invention of humour by Vince Sabio in 1994.

 
Wednesday, 4 March
European vets will recommend the economic ban on British beef should be lifted for herds certified 100% BSE free. The market closure, imposed in the teeth of scientific advice over two years ago, will only be lifted for herds in Ulster which already had computer records. These were there to reduce the abuses of the Common Agricultural Policy.

Quarter finals of the European Cup all end in draws. Manchester United held Monaco to a 0-0 tie, the same score as in the German clash of Munich and Dortmund. Compatriots Leverkusen drew 1-1 with Real Madrid, while Juventus and Dinamo Kiev also squared 1-1.
Domestically, heavy defeats for the leaders in Division 1. Middlesborough crashed 5-0 at relegation threatened QPR, and Notts Forest went down 3-0 to 3rd placed Sunderland. Wolves drew 1-1 with bottom side Stoke.

Britain's self-proclaimed union of students called their members out on a student strike to protest proposed fees for study. Of the 2 million members, it's believed that only 10,000 activists - just 0.5% of the national total - skipped lectures. According to the union, this was the biggest demonstration in history; according to the facts, this was the biggest non-event since Gulf War II.

 
Tuesday, 3 March
Russian fishermen have finally found a good use for the Barbie doll. They are ripping the long golden hair out of the cheap plastic toys and using them in place of a fishing line. A representative of manufacturers Mottle said that this just went to show how good quality their toys were; one Barbie is able to keep a family of four in fish for a fortnight.

A run on the recent movie Total Eclipse has taken video rental shops by surprise. It appears that the movie features a nude shot of Leo di Laine, and this explains why all the tapes are breaking in the same place. The actor in his recent special effects movie Titt&ic, Kate Bremsome, says that this is nothing new for her, as she often took saunas with Leo after filming in water had finished. The pair's respective other halves, Shimelle and Brem, were unavailable for comment. Both of them.

Quarter finals (first leg) in the UEFA cup. Aston Villa ride a wave of missiles to lose 1-0 at Athletico Madrid. Elsewhere, Spartak Moscow won 3-1 at Ajax, and there were 1-0 wins for Inter Milan and Lazio.

 
Monday, 2 March
Harrod's boss Mohammed Fayed was arrested by police inquiring into the circumstances of a break in at his prestigious Knightsbridge store. The theft took place some years ago, of a box in safe-keeping for then Lohnro owner Tiny Rowland. Allegations last year were that Fayed had given orders to break into that box, look at the contents, leak it to Egyptian television, and bore a nation with it for years on end. Fayed has been freed on police bail of two small African republics.

Quote Unquote

This is a scandalous tax on the sick that will impact most on those who most need care.
- Harriet Harman, Labour speaker on health, when prescription charges last went up in 1996.
This is an increase that will not hurt those who need health care most.
- Harriet Harman, Labour health minister, when prescription charges go up in 1998.
England were set a risible 380 to win the 4th Test, as the West Indies last pair of Bishop and Ramnarine held out in a last wicket stand of 70, bringing the home side's total up to 197. Bishop top scored with 44*. As expected, England made very heavy weather of their reply; Atherton fell for 1, Hussain for a duck, Thorpe for 3, Stewart and Butcher without breaking 20. As in the first innings, Ramprakash held the lower order together, but to no avail as England were bowled out for 137 in the last over of the day. West Indies win by 242 runs to level the series 2-2.

In the English league, Arsenal drew 0-0 at West Ham. Bookmakers have now closed the market on who will win the Premier League.

 
Sunday, 1 March - St David's Day
A march on London by country dwellers attracted 250,000 people. The march, organised by defenders of hunting with hounds, also dealt with farming, the preservation of green belt land and rural transport links. While a few urbanites tried to pour scorn on the whole event, the march showed the depth and strength of feeling from rural citizens.

The death of Dermot Morgan (45) the Irish stand-up comic who shot to international fame in the title role of Father Ted, a surreal send-up of the Catholic priesthood set on Craggy Island, off Ireland. Tributes were led by Irish President Mary McAleese, who said that an exceptional talent had been lost. Irish PM Bertie Ahern said tht he had won millions of friends with his comic genius and sense of fun.
Tottenham take a vital 1-0 victory over fellow relegation strugglers Bolton. The Allan Neilson goal came on the stroke of half time. In the First division, Notts Forest took out Middlesborough 4-0, with two goals from Pierre van Hooydonk. This result takes them to the top of the table

A stand of 54 between Ramprakash and Croft for the 7th wicket, and a last wicket pairing of 30 between Tufnell and Ramprakash enabled England to make 170 and avoid the follow on. Rampers was the top scorer with 64*; Croft, the specialist spinner playing in his first test of the score, equalled Extras with 26. In reply, Williams and Chanderpaul both failed to score, reducing the score to 32/3 at one stage. But Lara and Hooper combined for 118 to take the score to 215/6 at the close.

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