Weather: Early cloud clears to sun. 12.

Tonight's telly: The Crystal Maze (1990, Challenge) The very first episode, in which the team plays the games brilliantly but flunks at the end. Richard O'Brien camps it up wonderfully, and it's abundantly clear that this show will go far. *****

What passes for a foot and mouth policy falls into further turmoil after one misfiring and one misfortune. The misfiring: Pyres to burn livestock have released cancer-causing dioxins into the atmosphere, confessed Environment Minister Michael Meacher. The Department of Health launched an inquiry into the risks posed by burning animal carcasses Mr Meacher joined the Government's attempt to calm fears about the chemicals, some of the most potent carcinogens known, by saying that the amount was merely equal to "two bonfire nights".
Neither of the main methods of getting rid of slaughtered farm animals - burning or burying - was completely safe. "None of the disposals is entirely risk-free, none of them. The question is to use the safest, the most effective disposal and to minimise the public risk by all possible means. For all the eight major pollutants which we regulate nationally, the pyres have contributed less than half of one per cent of national annual emissions," Mr Meacher told BBC radio.
The inquiry by the department will look into the effects of open burning and that public health guidelines would be issued later this week. "The distribution of dioxins in this case is certainly something we should keep in perspective," he said. According to unpublished government figures over a six-week period, in which some 500,000 animals had been burned, 63g of deadly dioxins had been emitted - more than all the country's most toxic factories combined.

The misfortune: The first human case of foot and mouth is suspected as a slaughterman is suspected of having contracted the disease. There has been only one recorded case of foot and mouth being contracted by a human being in Great Britain, during the last outbreak in 1966. The general effects of the disease in that case were similar to influenza with some blisters. It is a mild short lived, self-limiting disease.
Meanwhile a leading environmental group today accused the government of "incompetence" for ignoring warnings that an outbreak of a foot and mouth was all but inevitable, given current farming practices in the UK. Friends of the Earth (FOE) reports how the government failed to take action after three scientific reports since 1998 warned that intensive farming and large-scale animal movements would seriously increase the risk of foot and mouth disease. Reports from the UN food and agriculture organisation, the EU scientific committee on animal health and animal welfare and the Italian public health ministry, all discussed the possibility of a foot and mouth outbreak in Europe.
The UN report (1998): "Europe faces a growing threat of devastating animal disease epidemic. This is mainly the result of long-distance transport of animals and increasingly dense livestock populations within certain areas in the region."
Charles Secrett of FOE: "Spin doctors and news managers have offered us many scapegoats for the foot and mouth crisis, from individual farmers to Chinese restaurants. But its is now becoming clear that the government itself must face criticism. Small farmers, the tourism industry and tax payers are now paying a very heavy price for Maff's incompetence and the government's love affair with intensive farming."
Martin Howarth, at the National Farmers Union, would argue that the sky came below the pavement if the contrary were argued by FOE.

Chechen rebels take hostages at a hotel in Istanbul. The gunmen, protesting against Russian military action in Chechnya, surrendered within hours. 13 gunmen were arrested and taken to Turkish police headquarters for questioning. They said they felt they had highlighted the plight of Chechnya and did not want to embarrass Turkey further, according to local government officials. All hostages were unharmed.
The Chechen struggle enjoys popular support in Turkey, because Turks not only share the Islamic faith with Chechens, but some five million Turks trace their roots to the Caucasus areas such as Chechnya. Some 25,000 Chechens live in Istanbul and western Turkey. Reports suggested the rebels included Muhammed Tokcan, who hijacked a Turkish Black Sea ferry in 1996, seizing more than 200 hostages.

Tony Blair shoved his oar in in a vain effort to defuse the row between the parties over race and the CRE pledge. Downing Street said it was entirely a matter for individual MPs whether they signed the declaration or not, given that it had already been endorsed by the leaders of all the main parties. Mr Blair's spokesdroid acknowledged the Conservatives had every right to challenge the Government's policies on asylum seekers. The conciliatory tone is the latest sign of Labour's desire to end a dispute that is damaging them more than the Tories.
Home Secretary Jack Straw continued to accuse the Tories of being split on the race issue with trouble coming from "a small minority" of Right-wingers in the Conservative party. But he said that although William Hague was "very weak", he did not "think for a second he is a racist". Hague declared over the weekend that he will not be silenced over asylum seekers, which the Conservatives continue to believe is one of their most effective election issues, particularly in the marginal seat battleground of Kent.

Robin Cook's remarks last week about Britishness and the Tory failure to stamp out racism suggest that Labour intends to conceal the failure of its efforts to control illegal immigration by playing the race card against the Tories during this election campaign. Even more disturbing, the issue of race is becoming a shibboleth that can no longer be debated, because for a public figure to give the impression of having independent views on the subject is to risk being cast as a pariah.
Michael Portillo, himself the son of an immigrant, could not by any stretch of the imagination be called a racist. His reasons for not signing the CRE pledge should be fathomable to everyone who believes in the principle of free speech. "I went into public life to speak for myself," he said, "and I will use my own language and my own words." Like most of the other Tory MPs, from the right and the left of the party, who have declined to sign the compact, he has always endorsed its principles. To be forced to sign something under the threat of being libelled by a government organ is the antithesis of the freedoms which all of us, including politicians, should enjoy.

The Commission for Racial Equality is in a position to inflict this moral blackmail because very few public figures dare to speak out against it. The irony of this situation is that in recent years the CRE has done at least as much harm as good. When it was founded, 24 years ago, racial discrimination and racial taunts in the workplace were casual and habitual. Matters have greatly improved, especially during the last decade, but the CRE has grown more strident, as if in an attempt to justify its budget which has grown more than six-fold since 1977.
Perhaps it is because the CRE, by definition, feels itself obliged to strive for "equality", unlike the NAACP, its nobly successful equivalent in the United States, which strove for "advancement". Instead of encouraging an atmosphere of self-help and conciliation, it has pressed for legislation to penalise what it perceives as discrimination, whether in schools which happen to exclude a higher proportion of black children, or in British firms which don't employ a high enough quota of ethnic-minority staff. It has called for the burden of proof to be shifted so that employers would have to prove they are not discriminating, rather than the plaintiff prove that they were.

Each time the Home Secretary accedes to its pressure, the CRE ratchets it up, hence this contract sent out to MPs - as brazenly as if the CRE itself elected them - requiring that every signatory accepts responsibility to ensure that "appropriate action" is taken against any candidate or party worker who breaches its principles. This approach, with its explicit threat of exposure and blacklisting, is no different from the route taken by Senator McCarthy during his 1950s witch-hunt against Communists. Yet Labour backs it enthusiastically, and the CRE is hand-in-glove with it, a majority of its 14 Commissioners having close links with the Labour party.
It has been apparent for a long time that a better way to improve race relations in Britain is not by spending millions of pounds to finance the vacant posturing of the CRE, but by putting those millions into better local community organisations and services, including mentoring and community policing. Nobody in Government dares to open his mouth and draw the CRE's sting for fear of being accused of racism.
Mr Justice Poole, the judge in the Hull trial of the footballers accused of attacking Sarfraz Najeib, has been vilified by media opinion for suggesting that the Macpherson definition adopted by Jack Straw, that a racist incident "is any incident which is perceived to be racist by the victim or any other person" is too subjective to work properly in law. Now we have a senior member of the Government accusing the shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer of being halfway to fascism because he declines to sign a declaration drawn up by a pressure group. I know the racist in this exchange, and it isn't Portillo.

Weather: It's wet. Wet, drizzly, pouring, damp. Until 5, when it finally clears. 11.

Tonight's telly:
Young Elizabeth (Channel 5) Perhaps the most *honest* exposition of Brenda Windsor's formative years. Not the schmaltzy stuff of official retrospective, but neither the hysterical bed-hopping of Kitty Kelley. If honesty counts against the Windsor clan, that is their problem. ****

Two more cases of suspected foot-and-mouth disease in humans today. No further details - not even location - were available at press time.
People living near burning pyres of slaughtered cattle could suffer health problems, the Government finally admits. Asthma sufferers experience a worsening of their condition and people less than half a kilometre from even small pyres may be exposed to high concentrations of irritants such as sulphur dioxide, its guidance said. People living close to the pyres should be advised to avoid sustained exposure, it added.
Dutch foot-and-mouth expert Dr Simon Barteling predicts the virus would seemingly disappear during the summer before returning in October or November. British foot-and-mouth expert Professor Fred Brown, who appeared with Dr Barteling at a press conference in London to push for vaccination, said it was a "disgrace" to cull healthy animals when there was an alternative. The professor, Visiting Scientist to the Plum Island Animal Disease Centre in America and former deputy director of the UK's Animal Virus Research Unit in Pirbright, Surrey, knew of no cases where vaccinated animals had passed the disease to other livestock. Britain has now saddled itself with the legacy of mass slaughter which could so easily have been avoided.

London Underground reports another suspended service - a spray gun used to pump perfume on platforms has failed only a day after its high-profile launch. The scent is meant to improve the daily journeys of three million Tube passengers. However, LU cannot get one of the spray guns to work properly and spraying at St James's Park has been temporarily suspended. Creator Pierre Nuyens promised a "fresh, watery, floral bouquet of rose and jasmine with citrus top notes". This was not the perception of all those at the booking halls and platforms of the three stations chosen for the launch - St James's Park, Euston and Piccadilly Circus. Some said it smelled "rather like disinfectant". Staff at St James's Park suggested the perfume may have been applied too enthusiastically. "I could hardly breathe, the smell was that strong," said one employee.

Maverick reformer Junichiro Koizumi defeats one of Japan's former prime ministers to win the ruling party presidency, guaranteeing his election as the next prime minister. Mr Koizumi's victory over Ryutaro Hashimoto followed an overwhelming show of support by rank-and-file members of the Liberal Democratic party (LDP) in the primaries. The unexpected election result reflects growing public disgust with the political establishment and the sour economy, and the LDP's desperate attempt to revamp its stick-in-the-mud image ahead of upper house parliamentary elections this summer.
"This election was held against an unprecedented headwind," Mr Koizumi said in accepting the post. "I promised to change the party and to change Japan, and fortunately, many party members supported my call." The vote comes as a blow for Mr Hashimoto - premier from 1996 to 1998 - who had been expected to win based on his power bloc in the party. But he was rejected overwhelmingly in the local primaries, where party members were sensitive to his reputation for mismanaging the economy during his term in office.

Jonathan Fischer:
"Hello?" pause "Hello?" pause "I can't hear you, could you speak up?" pause "Could you speak into the phone please?" pause "Still can't hear you" pause "Just kidding, this is a machine, and all the shouting in the world won't bring that beep any faster." Beep
Good one. Might try that when I get tired of the faux-Robinson.

If I could find a way to punish the telemarketer company and not the poor sod who calls me, that would be ideal. But, no ideas so far.
I don't know the position your side, but over here staff are obliged to name the company they work for (as opposed to the company they're representing on that call) and must also give a valid postal address. Fail, and they could be regulated out of business.

So, I always try to be polite unless they argue with me. For example, asking me to justify saying no to their fabulous offer.
"What part of no is giving you cranial difficulty? Are you too droid-like to deviate from the planned script? You are the dullest caller, goodbye."

But politeness is better.

Weather: Rain comes and goes. Mainly coming when I'm out of doors. Typical. Humid, too. 12

Tonight's Telly:
Mean Streets (BBC1) Why there's no proper policing of chaos on the roads - they're all being smashed into because they're speeding down the outside lane. ***
Roswell (Sky One) We do not need The Hackneyed Christmas Episode. Especially on the first sunny evening of the year. No stars.
Knowing Me, Knowing You, With Alan Partridge (1994, UK Play) Last in the series, and probably the best of the lot. Running gags of the face mask, and the inclusion of a genuine spoof BBC2 caption in a show airing on another channel. ****
The Day Today (1994, UK Play) Also the last in the series, and it does feel like Morris and co are coasting for much of the episode. The flounce-out remains class. ****

At work, I'm looking after a database for the legal spods. They want me to do things with it, which is fair enough. Though the replacement system is already in the pipeline, I'm having to become more of an expert than anyone really wants, just to get the tasks done. I guess it's like throwing bricks onto the lake-bed to reach a point in space; eventually, the lake will become so shallow one can paddle and not swim. (Well, *I* know what the hell I'm on about.)

Interesting listening on Radio 5 this morning. Usually unflappable presenters Worriker and Darbyshire were apologising for one of their earlier contributors, who had used (shall we say) unusually fruity language. I think it was the F-word, or the C-word. Then they go on to discuss the French Mlle Universe entrant, who just might be a Mr. The French correspondent reports that "the French don't give a shit." Only on live BBC radio...

The government becomes the biggest advertiser in the first quarter of the year. They spent GBP631 million of taxpayer's money, promoting all the good things they've done since coming to power. Quite why this cost more than about 15p is beyond me. Irony is heaped on this as people remember that ten years ago, The Party launched an attack on Government advertising, claiming it was all Tory propaganda. Spearheading the attack then was a Rev A R P Blair. No Party spokesdroid is able to convincingly explain why propaganda then is legitimate publicity now.

A dossier goes to the Crown Prosecution Service, in preparation for an indictment for Sadaam Hussein. The charges relate to his taking of 1500 British citizens after the 1990 invasion of Kuwait. Though the CPS and Attorney General seem unwilling to prosecute, the evidence is clearly there.

Toppled Philippine president Joseph Estrada is arrested on corruption charges which allegedly involved procuring himself almost �60m. After weeks of legal wrangling and a last-minute flurry of moves aimed at keeping him out of jail, Mr Estrada was escorted from his home in Manila's opulent Greenhills district.
The scene seemed on the verge of erupting into violence as a tense standoff developed between thousands of his backers and riot police. Vowing to block his arrest or go to jail with him, the crowd pelted police with stones. To clear a path along the narrow streets to his house, riot police used truncheons and plastic shields to disperse angry Estrada supporters as a police helicopter hovered low overhead. "We will not even allow him to surrender. We are ready to die for him," said Jojo Ibay, a 38-year-old supporter who had been outside Mr Estrada's house for three days.
Hundreds more Estrada supporters rallied outside the anti-graft court grounds near demonstrations organised by his opponents. Some wore T-shirts marked "Pro-God, Pro-Constitution," a reference to Estrada's claim that his January 20 ousting was unconstitutional. Under the brutal midday sun, police were forced to climb over the fence of the Estrada to unlock the gate so they could deliver the warrant. The former action film star was then driven about two miles to Camp Crame, the main police camp, where a special cell has been prepared for him.

Weather: Sunny pretty much all the way through. 14.

Tonight's Telly
As If (4) Alex turns 18. A wonderful multiple split-screen effect for much of the show (think last summer's movie TIME CODE) is not at all distracting. **** 1/2
Culture Fix (BBC KNOWLEDGE) Peter Curran (of D:Ream) is the voiceover man for a brief history of the pop video. Featuring the making of B*Witched, Blur's "Coffee & TV" and other memorable moments. Well put-together, but maddeningly short. *** 1/2
Friends (E4) The second plot, in which Rachel teaches Ben some tricks, is possibly the greatest and funniest one they've run in ages. Series 6 may have been a bust, but this really is turning into a series worth watching. ****

We've had a "team building" day scheduled for Monday for a long time. Turns out that the rest of the team have been talking about the manager behind their back, and there could be fireworks. Hopefully not. Fireworks are a distraction.

The government relaxes the culling of healthy animals. Just slightly. It follows the publication of a photo of a calf. This future beefer had been protected by the corpses of other animals killed in the name of profit, and survived to beam out from every front page. It's the first time since Mrs Margaret Thatcher left office that public policy has been dictated by one cow.
The revised policy will give local vets greater discretion in whether to cull cattle in so-called "firebreak" areas - farms neighbouring those where there had been a foot and mouth outbreak. Pigs and sheep, which pose a greater disease threat, will still be subject to the culls. Elizabeth Skelton, who owns an open farm in Morland just outside Penrith, said she had lost 14 sheep and 21 pigmy goats because she was classed as a contiguous case. "Today they are telling people on contiguous farms they do not have to slaughter but it has come too late for me," she said.

Tony Blair and Gordon Brown launch one of their key election weapons, the promise of a �250 baby bribe for every child. In a press conference at Downing Street, Blair set the battle lines for a general election which he is expected to announce formally in less than two weeks' time. The "Child Trust Fund" would see the State give poorer children a fund of up to �500 at birth. Each of the 750,000 babies born in Britain each year would get at least �250 with further payments at ages five, 11 and 16 to a maximum of �800. Although the final figures are still to be agreed, with interest and "modest" parental contributions of �5 a month the fund could total more than �3,000 by the time it could be claimed at 18. Michael Portillo derided the plan as a "joke", given, he said, that Mr Brown had discouraged savings with an array of stealth taxes.
This is a pre-election gimmick. Duh. The bond can only be spent on approved training courses, and won't be cash-in-hand. That makes it a pretty piss-poor way of hypothecating education spending 18 years down the line. There's a slight redistributive element to the plan, given that it gives the biggest payouts to children from households that were poor 18 years ago. However, it's only two years since student grants were around. Those gave money to children from poorer households *now*, not two decades back, and were more redistributive.

shimelle:
iain, do you ever wonder if messages like this are addressed to you with a misplaced l or to me with a missing e?
You know the standard of education amongst United Stations. These could be addressed to Dr Frostie, for all we know.

for some reason it makes me feel like some sporty type that just goes by a surname.
If it works for Giles, and Weaver...

oooh. i've made a presence. better disappear before anyone notices.
Who is too glittery to blend into the background? Whose shiningness could never go missing?

shimelle, warrior princess who nearly walked out of her job today.~*
Yeah, her. Let me guess: one of the girlies tried to make a photo collage using blu-tack and sellotape.

Weather: Some sunshine, a lot of cloud, the odd shower. 13.

A lot of the web's daily diarists have been pointing their readers in one direction. Kaycee's Journey Home. The eponymous heroine has already been the recipient of two miracles, and there are many, many people hoping against hope for a third.

It's rare for me to have to stop reading or watching something because it's rising so many emotions. This is one such case. Like watching MSCL, I just *know* it's all going to end too soon, and that will hurt like anything, but the journey there is completely unmissable.

Beware. This Is Powerful Stuff.

Tonight's telly: More Powerful Stuff in Buffy (Sky One) Spike trying to raise the dead should make a fantastic comedy plot, but it's dripping with seriousness. Anya is the comedy element, as usual. **** 1/2
Dead Ringers (Radio 4) Brian Sewell is the new accent in Ambridge. Les Dawson performs Thought For The Day. And The Doctor talks with The Doctor. Back on form. ****
Countdown: 3000 And Still Counting (4) Looking back on the social history of Countdown, how it's become a minor institution in its own right. Very similar to 1997's 2000th edition celebration, in fact, with many of the same clips. There will be a slightly revised repeat in March 2005, no doubt.

Back on the bike, for the first time since the smash a couple of weeks ago. It's a very nervous time, seeking a slightly new route. I reckon it's a bit safer. Even though there are a couple more right turns involved, one is at a standing junction, the other towards the top of a hill where I've excellent visibility.

Conservative party leader William Hague is heckled and jostled by protesters on a visit to Pudsey in Yorkshire. Three people wearing Alan Partridge masks asked Mr Hague if he was planning to sack John Townend (C, Yorkshire East) who reignited the race problem for the Conservatives when he declared that Labour believes the British to be a "mongrel race". When Vague stopped at a market to buy flowers for his wife, one of the protesters shouted: "Are those for Mr Townend?" Vague replied: "They are most definitely for my wife Fffffffffffion."
Lord Taylor of Warwick, the black Conservative peer, called on Vague to withdraw the whip from Townend. "John Townend is clearly determined to continue spouting his racist rubbish. He is laying down the gauntlet to Mr Hague. The leader of the Conservative party prides himself on his judo and 14 pints-a-day macho image. Now is Mr Hague's chance to demonstrate real macho leadership by withdrawing the whip from Mr Townend and booting him out of the party."
The row re-erupted yesterday after the Mr Townend wrote to the Commission for Racial Equality denouncing the idea of a "multi-cultural, multi-ethnic, multi-lingual society" and accusing Foreign Secretary Robin Cook of portraying the British as a "mongrel race". He accused the CRE of trying to stifle debate on immigration through its compact, urging politicians to avoid racist language during the forthcoming election campaign. "This is an important issue at this election and I think this pact was aimed to stop discussion, and anybody like me who puts their head above the parapet is accused of being a racist. Once you divide people up into groups, you have got problems, and then of course you have resentment from the indigenous population who feel that their interests are not being served."
This morning, Stephen Dorrell (C, Charnwood) took issue with Mr Townend's approach but stopped short of calling for him to have the whip withdrawn. "He is wrong when he says it is not possible to have more than one cultural background," he said.

More than a third of the farmers hit by foot and mouth disease plan to scale back their businesses, while some plan to quit altogether, according to a Farmer's Weekly survey. Of 128 farmers who saw infected livestock slaughtered, 6% said they planned to leave agriculture, while 36% said that they only planned to partially restock their farms.

Monica Coghlan, the former prostitute at the centre of the Lord Archer libel trial has died after a crash. Ms Coghlan, 50, was driving a blue Ford Fiesta car when it was struck by a stolen Jaguar, allegedly driven by a fleeing armed robber, in Scammonden, West Yorkshire, yesterday. A 32-year-old man has been arrested in connection with the incident, West Yorkshire police said. Any link to Archer's forthcoming perjury trial is complete coincidence. Surely.

Weather: Sunny for much of the day, but with some short, violent showers. 13.

Today's telly: Wanted (1996, UK Horizons) Episode 7, and it's foggy through Britain. We can't see pictures from tracker Paul Denchfield in Birmingham at all; his pair - James and Gary, businessmen from Bristol - feed sharks. And have a blazing row. And bend the rule-book to breaking point. Victoria Fay traces Lucy and Paul in Newcastle, a sweet Scouse pair who do their best to crush cars, and lead Vic on a wild-goose chase. Both pairs leave their boxes with �4000. Matt Randall traces John and Jonathan, taciturn folk from London. They're playing on home territory in the south of the city, and have managed to scale a climbing wall every day to take the maximum. Even in a low-drama episode, this is compelling viewing. *** 1/2
Daria (1997, 5) Alternapollooza. The road-trip episode that may well be the best ever. *****
The Tribe (5) So, goodbye ol' red; the hostages are sprung; and let's greet our new leader. She got what she wanted. ****
A Question Of Pop (BBC1) It's good, but it's not right, somehow. The too-close parallel to Question Of Sport helps not. **
Felicity (1998, ITV2) We're at the stage where Amy is going through her Stuff. (No spoilers.) This show comes highly recommended by a lot of my friends. I reckon it's decent enough, but lacks the subtlety and humour of My So-Called Life (the media made comparisons at launch) or Buffy. ** 1/2
People Like Us (1999, BBC3) The one with the estate agent. Sited in Lewes, purely so that Chris Langham can get in a confusion joke. Acutely observed, as are all episodes, this one also features The Postcode Computer, which can tell your name just from your postcode. Allegedly. ****

Into the city centre, have a mooch round the indoor markets, but there's not much happening. No-one's flogging The Tribe OST yet, which annoys. Vermin is having one of their more well-thought out sales, three old Madonna singles for a tenner; and two CDs for a twenty. Goo Goos (Dizzy Up the Girl) and Tom Petty (94 GH) fall to that promo.

Italian opposition leader Silvio Berlusconi's media company will sue the Economist magazine for saying in yesterday's edition that he is unfit to lead a government. The media magnate was stunned that a magazine revered by Italy's business class could launch such an attack a fortnight before the general election in which his centre-right coalition expects to regain power.
Yesterday's front cover showed him looking pensive beneath the headline: "Why Silvio Berlusconi is unfit to lead Italy." An editorial and an article analysed his business empire, which includes three television networks, a publishing house, a football team, property, and financial services. "In any self-respecting democracy it would be unthinkable that the man assumed to be on the verge of being elected prime minister would recently have come under investigation for, among other things, money-laundering, complicity in murder, connections with the mafia, tax evasion and the bribing of politicians, judges and the tax police."
Berlusconi briefly served as prime minister in 1994, and has since faced numerous trials connected to his holding company Fininvest. A conviction for false accounting was overturned on appeal. Two convictions for bribing tax collectors and illegal payments to politicians were extinguished when the appeals ran out of time under the statute of limitations. Accusations of false accounting, bribing judges, tax fraud and breaking anti-trust laws are being investigated.

Football: Manchester City prolonged their premier league existence for at least another week after a 1-0 home win over West Ham United on Saturday, but Bradford City were relegated after losing 2-1 at Everton. Coventry City's stay in the top flight looks set to end after 34 years as they went down 2-0 at home to Liverpool and now need to win their last two games to have any chance of survival.
Derby County and Middlesbrough remain in the relegation scrap after home losses to Arsenal (2-1) and Manchester United (2-0) respectively.
Robbie Keane and Mark Viduka struck in the last five minutes to give Leeds United a 2-0 home win over Chelsea. Newcastle beat Leicester 1-0, Sunderland won 1-0 at Southampton, while Spurs and Villa tied 0-0. Charlton beats Ipswich 2-1 in the Monday game.

League tables:
1 (1) Man Utd pl 35 - 80 *Champs
2 (2) Arsenal    35 - 66
3 (4) Leeds      35 - 62
4 (3) Ipswich    35 - 62
5 (5) Liverpool  34 - 59
6 (6) Chelsea    35 - 54
7 (7) Sunderland 36 - 53

15 (14) West Ham       36 - 39
16 (15) Middlesborough 36 - 38
17 (17) Derby          36 - 38
18 (19) Man City       36 - 34
19 (18) Coventry       36 - 33
20 (20) Bradford       34 - 24 *Relegated

Tracker points, covering form over the last 15 games:
1 (1) MUN 1224
2 (2) LEE 1169
3 (3) ARS 1113
4 (4) LIV 1110
5 (6) CHE 1068
6 (5) IPS 1062

15 (14) COV 916
16 (15) DER 912
17 (19) MCY 908
18 (17) WHM 893
19 (18) LEI 879
20 (20) BRA 866

Fib Of The Week

"Today is the get-out-the-vote day. This is the time to get involved, especially the young folks who are here. I'm about to go vote."
-Actor Ben Affleck in a Nov. 7 appearance on The Rosie O'Donnell Show, as quoted by The Smoking Gun. The show airs from New York City, where Affleck resides when he isn't at his home in Los Angeles.

"RECORD NOT FOUND." -Document from the New York City Board of Elections concerning Ben Affleck's voter registration. The Smoking Gun checked every voter registration for Affleck's apartment building, and came up empty. Affleck spokesmodel David Pollick told The Smoking Gun that Affleck didn't vote because of an unspecified "bureaucratic snafu at the polls."

"We have no records of Benjamin Affleck being a registered voter...from the years 1990 to present." -Letter from the Board of Election commissioners in Cambridge, Mass, where Affleck lived until the age of 18.

Weather: Sunny all day. 14. Yay! Some nice weather, in spite of the pessimistic forecast.

Enough good weather to hang the washing outside to dry, and to cut the huge patch of land opposite for the first time in absolutely ages. Don't think the previous occupants ever really bothered.

Today's telly: Wanted (1996, Horizons) Last of the series sees the lovely Lucy & Paul become Santa's Little Helpers for a week, escape in Liverpool, and take �10,000. The mad John and Jonathan kiss a boss a day, get lost in York, hide out in Newcastle, get Paul Denchfield sopping wet on a false lead, and wind up �12,000 richer. And James and Gary go out as panto dames, then attempt to throw a bung to Dave McBride. They're thrown off the game, and pretend it was all a gag. Like we believe them. *****
Treasure Hunt (1986, Challenge) This week in Skye, with Annie being stretchered down a cliff. ****
24 Hours At Indy (2000, Horizons) A puff-piece that tries to show how much of a spectacle the annual 500 is. Struck me as the major tourist trap for Indiannapolis (which is reasonable) and the race is the last thing on anyone's mind (which is not.) ***
Britain And The IRA (CNN) A special report, showing how British soldiers infiltrated the IRA, and were subsequently disowned by the government. Utterly typical behaviour, in other words. This will, no doubt, receive utterly no publicity. ****
Futurama (Sky1) Fry gets put in a mental hospital for robots. Not their best. ** 1/2
Alistair McGowan's Big Impression (BBC1) Is Jennie Bond the new Peter O'Hanrahahanrahan? Does Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen know where Carol Smillie's teeth are? And what about Alan Hansen? ****

Spanish Grand Prix David Coulthard stalls on the starting grid, smashes into an Arrows on the first lap, and has to come back to the pits. He's out of it. Meanwhile, Schuey leads until the second pit stop, when Mika Hakkinnen wins out. The Flying Finn is a dead cert for his fourth straight win at Barca as Schuey has to back off with an overheating engine. Nothing is certain in Formula One, though, as Mika's engine goes pop less than half a lap from the finish, allowing Michael Schumacher to score another win. Juan-Pablo Montoya finishes second, his first ever F1 finish, with Jaques "Jaques" Villneuve third - his first podium since winning the championship in 97. And Coulthard? Carved his way through the field and gave his team-mate a lift back to the pits, finishing fifth.

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