Weather: A heavy shower of hail starts at 9:06, and stops exactly four minutes later. Glad I was in at the time. Clears to bright spells for most of the day. 12.

Today's telly: Winner Takes All (1997, Challenge) Bobby Davro fronts the remake of Geoffrey Wheeler's finest creation. Prizes are decent, but the host is annoying. * 1/2
Big Brother Omnibus (August 19, 2000, E4) The one where Nick Bateman leaves. We know what's going to happen. We know how it happens. Watching it happen is still amazing. ****
Weakest Link: EastEnders Special (March 1, 2001, BBC Choice) Anne Robinson puts the "stars" of the BBC's leading waste of airspace through their mental paces. Who is more Albert Square than Albert Einstein? Annie's pick-ups are subdued, but she loses battles against almost all the contestants. Oh, and the question to Tucker about which show he starred in. ***

Two people are hurt as a blast rips through an oil refinery. The blast at the Conoco plant at South Killingholme, north Lincolnshire, sent tremors through the surrounding area and flames and smoke could be seen leaping into the sky. Seven ambulances, an air ambulance and more than 50 firefighters were called to the 480-acre site.
Local residents said the blast shook buildings and the fire sent up a pall of thick black smoke which was visible for several miles. Black smoke billowing from the blaze could be seen six miles away in the town of Immingham, witnesses said. Paul Huxford, who works in Immingham's Ford dealership, said: "It looks very bad. We can't see any flames but black smoke has been pouring out for about an hour." A local resident, Mrs Shelagh Bayes, 67, of North Killingholme, said: "We just heard a loud explosion and can see lots of black smoke. A friend of ours came along the dual carriageway and debris hit his car. We are keeping in the house because it is a bit smelly and the instructions we get from the refinery is to keep inside and shut all the doors and windows in cases like this."
Pauline Hull, chairwoman of the South Killingholme parish council, was out walking when she heard the explosion. "There was a whoosh sound then an almighty explosion. After that there were many more blasts, one after the other. A great huge flame of fire shot into the sky and then there was another explosion. It was so frightening. I ran home and everybody was rushing out of their houses. It really was a massive explosion and it will be an absolute miracle if nobody was hurt. The lady next door to me had her greenhouse door blown off and we are half a mile away. Apparently the community centre had its extractor fans blown in, and that's about the same distance away."

Footy Ipswich Town moves to within a point of second-placed Arsenal while Coventry City boost their survival hopes with an important win. Two goals by Alun Armstrong against his former club Middlesbrough gave Ipswich a 2-1 victory at the Riverside, lifting their points tally to 59, one less than Arsenal who have played a game less. John Hartson scored the winner as Coventry moved to within two points of safety at the bottom with a 1-0 home success over Sunderland. Derby had Deon Burton sent off but eased their relegation fears with a 2-0 home victory over Leicester City. Newcastle United won 2-1 at home to West Ham United. Liverpool win a pulsating match over neighbours Everton, 3-2.

Chelsea continued their dominance of Tottenham Hotspur on Tuesday as they eased to a 3-0 away win over their London rivals to move to fifth in the English premier league. In the night's other league game Lee Hendrie hit an injury time equaliser for Aston Villa in a 3-3 draw at Charlton Athletic.

judy:
Dear car-owners, (I didn't put car-lovers here, for Iain's sake! ;) hope you are ok!)
I'm better, just about.

Today I changed my tires (tyres) almost all by myself! :) .... oh, the list doesn't know yet, since November 30, 2000 I am the owner of a blue Skoda Fabia Combi. I named him (yes, my car is male ;)) Fabian!
All cars are male. Especially Czech ones.

I changed my winter tyres to normal ones. I need a bit of help as I am not strong enough to open the wheel nut so my dad did this for me but otherwise I changed them all by myself.
Did you lift the car off the ground with your bare hands? Can we call you Jack? (: **

(I hate to wear gloves and I like the car grease on my fingers!
Ew.

I actually wanted to become a automechanic! ...*shrug* oh well)
Each to their own, eh, Jack.

Weather: Cloudy, with the odd spot of rain in the evening. 11.

Tonight's telly:
Airport (1995, Horizons) An old faithful, pointing out the arbitrary nature of the immigration laws. It's enough to bring them even further into disrepute, if that were possible.
Liquid News (BBC CHOICE) New studio - studio 11. New set - the banquette has been replaced by a curved bench. New desk - Christopher Price's old square one has been replaced by a circular one. And back-projected screens with the liquid logos. All very swish, but the programme remains exactly the same. Even the show DOG (now subtly animated) remains almost invisible against the white set.
Spice Girls In New York (VH1) Unremarkable collection of Spice Girls videos, showing just how much they've lost it since Geri left. Plus points for showing Dykey Spice's "Never Be The Same Again"; major minus points for showing Victoria Posh-Spice-Aadams-Beckham's solo single. * 1/2

Back to work after last week, and play catch-up on all the work left undone over the last few weeks. With most of the staff away at the annual meeking, it's decently quiet.

Farmers' leaders are threatening to scupper a proposed vaccination scheme to contain foot and mouth unless the government can show that it will not further damage the industry. Government advisers now believe vaccination, in addition to the current slaughter policy, could be the best way of halting the spread of the virus, but opposition could make the scheme unworkable. The National Farmers' Union (NFU) delivered its threat, which would effectively make the scheme unworkable, as ministers continued pondering whether to launch vaccination programmes in Cumbria and Devon, the two worst affected areas. Government advisers now believe vaccination, in addition to the ongoing slaughter policy, could be the best way of halting the spread of the virus.
Government chief scientific adviser Professor David King said that any such scheme would be limited to 500,000 cattle due to move on to pasture after spending the winter under cover. The NFU warned that the government could be stopped in its tracks as ministers had so far failed to deliver satisfactory answers to a list of 50 questions submitted by its president Ben Gill. Responses so far provided by the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food (MAFF) fell short of properly addressing key issues, such as whether there would still be a market for meat and dairy products from vaccinated animals.
NFU policy director Martin Haworth said: "If it [the proposed vaccination policy] is delivered on the basis of what we have seen so far then we will not support it. We asked [the government] whether there would a resistance by retailers in dealing in meat and dairy products from vaccinated animals. They said they did not think there would be and that simply does not answer our question. They have also failed to share the scientific arguments for introducing a vaccination scheme. The basic situation is still that the scientific evidence we have suggests that vaccination is an option but is not as good as the current policy [of slaughtering infected animals within 24 hours and livestock on nearby farms within 48 hours]."

Israel has followed up its fierce overnight raids on Palestinian targets by occupying parts of Gaza that are supposed to be under Palestinian control. Israel said the action was in response to Palestinian mortar attacks. Israel's move into Gaza comes less than 24 hours after it attacked Syrian targets in Lebanon for the first time in five years. One Palestinian policeman was killed and 36 people were hurt in the attack from the ground, air and sea.
Israeli troops divided Gaza into three parts, barring north-south traffic in the crowded strip which is home to more than one million Palestinians, and closed the border crossing between Gaza and Egypt. Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat, returning to the West Bank from a meeting with Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak, said the raid was a "dirty Israeli ploy to end Palestinian resistance", and that his people would keep fighting until they won independence. Israel said it had to respond after Palestinians fired mortars at the small Israeli working class town of Sderot.
Troops recaptured about 0.8 square miles in the northeastern part of the 140-square-mile Gaza Strip. An Israeli commander in the Gaza Strip said his troops would remain in the recaptured areas for "days, weeks or months" - as long as necessary to stop the mortar attacks. He said the army had no plans to remain there for good.

Anne McDonald:
Something so simple as getting to school 5 minutes earlier can change your life so dramatically. And it does. Think about it, people you've met in your life that you could have easily not met. Every move you make, you're shaping your life and who you are. Right now, your changing your life. If you were doing something else at this exact moment, 10 years from now... your life would be different.
On the other hand, there is the theory that the key events are pre-ordained (or fated) in ways that we don't rightly know and there's nothing that we can do to alter that. Think of this as the railroad alternative to the butterfly effect noted above.

he told me to get this book called "The Celestine Prophecy". I've started reading it, and its such a great book... pick it up.
Other great works of fiction are available.

Led me to going to Barnes and Nobles tonight, where I saw a friend whom I haven't seen in years. EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE SO DRASTICALLY.
Or... it may not. Who knows? It's all a matter of faith.

it's so hard to explain.... And I'm rambling. so bye !!
Even though we may be disagreeing here, I see from where you're coming.

Weather: Sunny for much of the day, but when it clouds over, soft snow or freezing rain is never too far away. +5.

Tonight's Telly:
TOTP2 (BBC2) Featuring "Lovecats", Donny Osmond performing a number from "Rant!", Babs Streisand, and the excellent *original* of Faith Hill's new single. ***
Mean Streets (NEW, BBC1) Asking questions of the tow-away policy operated around Wembley Stadium. One chap gets caught when (quite literally) the restrictions are changed overnight. His case fades into the background of the show, in favour of some fleeced Italian tourists. Also asking the questions of why the police think they're immune from the parking laws that affect the rest of society. Copyrighted 2000, for some reason. ****
Roswell (Sky One) To New York, and a great way to save on air fares. ** 1/2
The Day Today (UK Play) It's War. *****

Campaigners warn finance minister Gordon Brown that allowing petrol pump prices to rise would be "political suicide" in the run up to the general election. Major companies and supermarkets remain tight-lipped about their plans after oil giant Shell put up the price of petrol by a penny a litre.
Garry Russell, of the Dump the Pump campaign, described the situation as "horrendous". "This is going to bring the whole issue to the forefront again and it is going to highlight just how fragile things are. Obviously the government are going to use this and say it is the oil companies. But the level of taxation that is piled on top is a major issue. The government is making huge revenues and they are unlikely to do anything about it."
Brynle Williams, the fuel duty campaigner and north Wales farmer, said: "If Gordon Brown allows prices to go up it will be political suicide. Fuel is going to be very high on the agenda during the general election. I won't be leading the next fuel protest - the general public themselves will be."
In announcing its price rise, Shell blamed the jump in the cost of crude oil for the increase which is being introduced in 800 of its 1,100 UK forecourts to bring them in line with the remaining 300 which saw a similar rise last week.

Israel pulls out of the Gaza Strip, less than 24 hours after invading. "It's not a U-turn, it's a strategy completion," says a source.

MelissaC84:
I havent ever emailed anyone on this list thing, and I am kinda confussed as to how it all works?
People send emails to the central address. A group of goblins and dwarves then spend hours re-typing everything, and sending it out individually to each person on the mailing list. Any spelling mistaikes that creep in are, therefour, the result of the goblins typing on the dwarves' keyboards. Too big hands.

how I got on it
You send a mail to [email protected]. Don't argue, you *did*.

I am from dallas, I am 17, and I am a junior in HS.
*Another* member of the Dallas posse. I will seriously have to sort some flights out.

Weather: Sunny, but with some wet snow around 7. 7.

Tonight's Telly
As If... (4) Sooz takes a job as a waitress in a posh hotel... as if. *** 1/2
The Very World Of Milton Jones (Radio 4) He's back, as punny as ever, and tonight on the moon. ****
Friends (E4) Joey tells a colleague something she doesn't need to hear. And this season's outing for the Rachel has a phone plot. ***
The News Huddlines (Radio 2) They're back, and on tip-top form. **** 1/2

Work is quiet, though with some lifting and stretching. This is not good. It hurts the shoulder more than anything else.

The foot-and-mouth outbreak is "fully under control", the Government's Chief Scientist claims. Professor David King reports a significant drop in the daily number of cases during the last two weeks. He said at the end of last month the daily tally stood at an average of 43 new cases a day, while that had fallen to 27 by last Sunday. "On the basis of the fall in the number of cases being reported, the epidemic now is fully under control," the prof said. "If 14 days ago we had 40 infected premises then today we should have 20 and in two more weeks we should have 10."
Yes, Prof, but you don't. Your hypothesis of new cases halving every two weeks just doesn't bear any scrutiny by facts. Dropping from 43 to 27 over a fortnight is (ever so slightly less than) a 60% reduction. That will reduce to 10 cases not in two weeks, but in one month. Still, never let the maths stand in the way of an optimistic claim.
Meanwhile, farmers' leaders are hoping that they've hummed, hawed and obfuscated enough to avoid any vacinations. They're worried about their export markets, forgetting that they'll still not be able to export if they don't vaccinate.

Foreign Secretary Robin Cook plays the race card. He argues that the British are "not a race" and that British identity cannot be defined in terms of ethnic background. The racial stereotyping follows a pledge signed by the whole Cabinet not to use language that might inflame ethnic tension.

As Manchester United crashes out of Europe, the side has an unexpected new signing. The mystery man (far left on the picture) turns out to be working for a men's magazine writing an article. MUN loses 2-1 to Bayern Munich, 3-1 overall. Bayern will meet Real Madrid, who turned a 3-2 defeat from the away leg into a 5-3 beating of Galataseray. Leeds carries British hopes, their 2-0 defeat at Deportivo la Coruna taking them through 3-2 on aggregate. Valencia beats Arsenal 1-0 and goes through on away goals, 2-2.
In the UEFA Cup, Liverpool beat Barcelona 1-0 on the night and overall. They'll meet CD Alaves in the final, the Basque team thrashing Kaiserslauten 4-1 away tonight, 9-2 on aggregate.

I'm not sure why, but my creative juices seem to be at a low ebb this week. Could be something to do with last week's smashing time.

Anyway. I have a phone, and seem to be getting a lot of Wrong Numbers. Some of them come while I'm at work, some of them when I'm at home. And after about one of these calls, they become rather tedious.

Which is where you guys come in. I'm looking for...
a) messages for the answering machine pointing out that Caller has probably errred, but being polite in case they're correct. Current holder (with emphasis on words in capitals) The ODDS are that the number you have dialled is WRONG. If it's not, PLEASE leave a message after the TONE. [tone.]

b) Subtle put-downs for the unfortunates who happen to call me. Nothing obviously insulting, but subtle enough to give me a snigger after hanging up.

Those of you whose powers of humour are greater than mine should have a field day...

---

Victoria:
You could say something like, if you are not trying to reach Iain at , you are the weakest link, goodbye.
Other than I don't want to give out my phone number at all (which can easily be deleted), Britain has hit the point where this simple Anne take-off is one heck of a cliche.

But it gives some creative juices... Whose digits have deceived them? Who can't handle a letter, never mind a telephone. You *are* the weakest caller; goodbye.

Weather: Sunny, but with showers to evening. 8.

Tonight's telly: Maid Marion And Her Merry Men (1989, BBC1) The start of a summer season of re-runs for Tony Robinson's finest hour. The inaugral episode, "How The Band Got Together", is slightly more childish and less funny than later shows. ***
Dead Ringers (Radio 4) An off week, with Patrick Moore seeking a taxi to Uranus, and Countdown meets the Godfathers the star turns. **
Buffy The Vampire Slayer (Sky1) The episode in which there is no background music. The episode in which the ticking of a clock is way too loud. The episode in which the sponsor's inserts move from the hugely annoying to the utterly intrusive. ***** for the content (and no further spoilers here); negative several zillion for the presentation.

The Campaign For Racial Emnity suffers another setback as Michael Portillo calls it's bluff.The CRE has been circulating a "compact" in recent days, claiming that this will remove the issue of race from the forthcoming election. Foreign secretary Robin Cook signed it, but broke it last night. Portillo said: "I went into public life to speak for myself. I will use my own language and my own words." He said MPs were "bedevilled" by all sorts of questionnaires which often took the form of "when did you stop beating your wife" type of questions.
Tory party chairman Michael Ancram would come down "like a ton of bricks" on anyone in the party who used racist or provocative language. "I don't think there are many people who have been quite as outspoken as I have been about the need for inclusiveness and equality of esteem. I think that speaks volumes, much more than signing bits of paper." Former cabinet minister John Gummer indicated he would also refuse to sign the compact and accused the CRE of trying to "blackmail" MPs into doing so. The former environment secretary insisted there was an "implied threat" behind the CRE's compact: "If you don't sign my particular declaration I will say to people that you are in fact a racist." He told Radio Four that such moves were "wholly unconstitutional". Drittsekk said he said he had a "long record of fighting racism" and there was "nothing much" in the CRE's declaration with which he disagreed. But he added: "I have to draw a line. The CRE seems to me to be using a measure of blackmail in this way, which is unacceptable."
Tory backbencher Julie Kirkbride said she would not sign the compact because such moves by campaigning groups were an "insult to democracy".

The Highways Agency advises drivers against using London's ring road. The roads are too busy to get anywhere, it appears. The obvious step, stop making it necessary for so many people to come into, or move around, the capital seems to escape everyone concerned.

Dr Mark Frost:
>Gretchen: godlike genius or what?
And let me tell you this godlike genius is even better in person (says he with the *signed* copy of "Secret of Life")
Colour me jealous.

The awesome, unbelievable, amazing concert that the Warrior Princess and myself attended last week was just so gobsmacking that I've been unable to write about it until now!
I think he liked it. Not totally sure, but I think he liked it.

Mark and shim weren't the only A-list celebrities there, of course. Paul Walters, the Dr Wally of the sig (below) was there. So was Randy Bachman, who remarked that this was the highlight of his month in Europe. Even better than Much (More) Music, but that's another story.

All I can say is that you were invited! Too bad y'all missed out. Ms. Peters is not only an incredible singer/songwriter, but also pretty impressive in the I'm-gonna-play-nigh-on-all-my-songs-for-these-people" to which the people responded with three, count them, three encores!!!
Gretchen even thanks those good people of BBC Radio Two for being uber-supportive, and then promised it wouldn't be three years before she came back again. Awesome!
Oh good. With a bit of a buzz gathering round her in the US, there are those (OK, there's one, me) who suggest that Gretchen Peters could be the next Eva Cassidy. *And* she'll be able to appear in person, which is an awesome prospect.

Anywho, enough about that I'm off to do some non-shopping!
Hope you enjoy your windows.

Weather: A sunny start, but clouding over towards evening. 12.

Today's telly: Wanted (1996, Horizons) Episode 5, with Lisa and Dawn somewhere in Norfolk, winning 2 grand bowling; Tracie and Anthony near Piccadilly Circus winning 6 grand with new hairstyles; and Beryl and Julie winning 5 grand in Leeds pulling pints for students. Another great episode, with T&A winning thanks only to London traffic. ****
Daria (1997, Ch 5) The one in which our hero suffers parents getting too strict and laying down rules they don't understand. Running joke: I think it was Jefferson. One of the less memorable episodes, sadly. ***
The Tribe (Ch 5) May and Pride become an item (boo) Luke's cash doesn't work, Ellie gets offered membership of the Mozzies (with the velvet catsuits. yay, yay and triple yay!) Ebony pays a ransom to Ned for the hostages, and tells how she'll hand the Guardian over to Moz. He's sane. ****
Divas Live 2001 (VH1) Aretha Franklin stars this year, just as she did in 1998. Too little action, too much waffle. * 1/2
Dog Eat Dog (BBC1) Maybe I was a bit too harsh on this last week, the show has more promise. ***
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (ITV) See below. They do the big ones in style. **** 1/2

A lot of things and stuff today. To Bush And Quayle hardware stores, to buy a lawnmower, and some garden shears. The lawn needs cutting already... oh to be in Newfoundland where there's still snow. Thence to the Bike Store for a new wheel and helmet. PC Planet provides a printer, passing on the stack of 100 blank CDs for GBP35. And Johnny's Stores for groceries and such.

Protesters in Quebec hurled bricks and ice hockey pucks, delaying the opening ceremonies for a summit of 33 Western Hemisphere leaders. 150 police officers, who marched in time to the beat of nightsticks on their plastic shields, lobbed tear gas and smoke canisters during three hours of confrontations with more than 1,000 demonstrators. The smell of tear gas was still in the air when the opening ceremony began more than an hour late. Police arrested 25 people, and five police officers were injured.
Protesters tore down a 150ft section of a two-mile security fence (right), which they dubbed the Wall of Shame and likened to the Berlin Wall, a symbol of oppression and division. They said it was intended to prevent the public from having a voice in the Summit of the Americas' top topic - creating a free-trade area from the Arctic to the southern tip of Argentina.
"The provocation started with that darned wall," said Maude Barlow, of the Council of Canadians, a civil action group. "There's a level of anger out there that responds to that sort of provocation. From where I'm standing, the provocation feels like 99.99% on the other side."
The protesters represent a diverse range of activists - organised labour, human rights organisations, environmental groups and others who say the talks on creating a Western Hemisphere free-trade zone should be held in public instead of in a locked conference centre.

A vibrating plastic parrot sparked a full-scale evacuation at one of the country's top tourist attractions. An army bomb squad was called to Leeds Castle, which is nowhere near Leeds and is in Kent, when staff noticed a buzzing noise coming from a postbag. Police evacuated more than 50 castle workers from their offices shortly after 8.30am and early morning visitors to the historic landmark were prevented from crossing the castle causeway.
A controlled explosion carried out on the offending item of post, left against a wall within the castle, revealed the vibrating parrot which was being returned to the shop. Retail manager Pam Kearsley said: "A customer was returning the faulty parrot for a replacement but had left the batteries in and the plastic bird started making noises in the post."

Football: Coventry and Manchester City move closer to relegation. Coventry lost 2-0 to Ipswich and Manchester City played to a 1-1 tie at champion Manchester United. Last-place Bradford beat Derby 2-0 but is all but assured of being one of three teams to drop from the top league next season.
Everton was routed 4-1 at Arsenal and stayed in danger at the bottom. Middlesbrough, another club facing possible relegation, won 3-0 at Leicester.

At the top, Arsenal, Ipswich and Leeds continued to chase the two remaining places in next season's Champions League with Man United already having clinched one. In other Premier League games Saturday, it was: Aston Villa 0, Southampton 0; Chelsea 0, Charlton 1; Sunderland 1, Newcastle 1; and West Ham 0, Leeds 2. Liverpool beats Spurs 3-1 on Sunday.

League tables:
1 (1) Man Utd pl 34 - 77 *Champs
2 (2) Arsenal    34 - 63
3 (3) Ipswich    35 - 62
4 (4) Leeds      34 - 59
5 (6) Liverpool  33 - 56
6 (5) Chelsea    34 - 54
7 (7) Sunderland 33 - 49

15 (17) Middlesborough 35 - 38
16 (15) Everton        35 - 38
17 (16) Derby          35 - 38
18 (19) Coventry       35 - 33
19 (18) Man City       35 - 31
20 (20) Bradford       33 - 24

Tracker points, covering form over the last 15 games:
1 (1) MUN 1214
2 (2) LEE 1152
3 (4) ARS 1101
4 (5) LIV 1098
5 (6) IPS 1087
6 (3) CHE 1085

15 (16) DER 924
16 (14) EVE 923
17 (13) WHM 916
18 (15) LEI 898
19 (19) MCY 885
20 (20) BRA 885

It's Saturday night, just coming up to 8:30. If press reports from a week and a half ago are to be believed, something is about to happen on Millionaire.

It's not been a good week for WWTBAM; ratings for week ending April 1 put it below 9.5 million viewers, and the Monday edition has been sacrificed for ITV drama. Can publicity regarding a big win turn round the ratings?

FFF: Into alphabetical order.
A) Fathom B) Folly
C) First D) Fence

Fastest of four, 4.83 seconds, David Edwards. He's 50-ish, white hair, pink shirt. A physics teacher from Denstone in Staffordshire. Wife Viv is in the audience, two daughters at home, son Richard is a PAF at York Uni. Anything in six figures will allow him to retire early.

What Chris isn't saying is that David won television's most high-profile quiz, Mastermind, in 1990.

�100, Which of these is a drink made with fruit juices, spices and often wine and spirits?
A) Knock B) Thump
C) Punch D) Whack

"Punch, Chris."

�200, A large portable cassette recorder with built-in speakers is known as a ghetto ... what?
A) Blaster B) Blower
C) Blarer D) Banger

"Blaster."

�300, Which of these phrases refers to a brief success?
A) Blaze in the pot B) Spark in the tub
C) Flare in the jug D) Flash in the pan

"Flash in the pan, Chris."

�500, Which of these is a type of hat?
A) Sausage Roll B) Pork Pie
C) Scotch Egg D) Potato Crisp

"A pork pie." David was smirking during that question.

�1000, Which of these is a duty levied on the legal recognition of certain documents?
A) Off Duty B) Stamp Duty
C) Heavy Duty D) Jury Duty

"Stamp duty, Chris."

For those who have been watching too much Anne Robinson, and forgotten the rules, that thousand pounds is now safe. David feels better. Ish.

�2000, Which singer was regularly ridiculed by Morecambe and Wise in their TV shows?
A) Rolf Harris B) Des O'Connor
C) Gracie Fields D) Barry Manilow

"Des O'Connor."
"What's wrong with his singing?"
It's only a one hour show, Chris.

�4000, Which of these is a game played by Harry Potter and his friends?
A) Qwerty B) Quibble
C) Quidditch D) Quantum

"Quidditch, Chris."
David's family all knows, though he's not read the books himself.

�8000, Which city will host the 2001 FA Cup Final?
A) London B) Birmingham
C) Manchester D) Cardiff

"Cardiff, Chris."
"Not London?"
"No Wembley. Cardiff's a far better place."
The back side of Venus is a far better place. And the parking's better, too.

�16,000, Which of these has to pass a test on "The Knowledge" to get a licence in London?
A) Taxi Drivers B) Bus Drivers
C) Police Officers D) Ambulance Drivers

"Taxi drivers, Chris."

�32,000, In 2001, Donald Campbell's Bluebird was recovered from which lake?
A) Bala Lake B) Kielder Water
C) Coniston Water D) Lake Windermere

[Though I had a good idea, I needed to confirm this answer. One lifeline down for me.]
"Coniston Water."
"Not Windermere?"
"No."
"You've just won �32,000."

That's safe. No need to shout Bank! to save it.

David is reluctant to look at the cheque, but enjoys seeing it when he does.

�64,000, According to the legend, the composer Salieri poisoned which rival?
A) Brahms B) Haydn
C) Liszt D) Mozart

"Mozart."
"Sure?"
"Yes."
"Were you there?"
"No. Were you?"
These cheeky monsters.

Take a peep at this cheque. Twice as nice as the last one.
"How do you feel?"
"Terrified."

Break.

We've had slightly less than eleven minutes to get through the introductions and these eleven questions. Can David Edwards become the third jackpot winner on US-UK Millionaire in two weeks? He's a similar age to Judith Keppel, the only previous UK Millionaire; while Ms Keppel acquired much of her knowledge through extensive travelling, Mr Edwards seems to be more of a lover of books. He's got the same sparkle as Ms Keppel, claiming to be terrified but going great guns at the questions.

Getting the next question right means he's submitting his resignation at the end of the academic year. All three lifelines remain.

�125,000, What is the real first name of the Home Secretary Jack Straw?
A) Justin B) James
C) John D) Joseph

[Again, confirmation required - from David Boothroyd's site, www.election.demon.co.uk/ There goes lifeline two.]

David looks hard at the screen. The sort of look that would befuddle any student.
"I think I'll ask the audience, Chris."
A) Justin 2% B) James 14%
C) John 62% D) Joseph 22%
"What are you reading into that?"
"It looks good for John, but that's the answer I'd give. I think I need some contemplation."

"My guess is if I go 50/50, it'll leave John or James. I'm reluctant to try it."
"I think I'll ring Richard."
His son, who may (or may not) be awake.
"Tell him how much is involved?"
"Yes. It'll concentrate his mind."
David reads the question.
"I really have no idea."
"That's what I was afraid of. Never mind, back to sleep."
"There's going to be a slight pause."

David has another long think.
"I know you don't have trick questions, but John looks too tempting."
"I'm not going to leave without playing 50/50."
B) James C) John
"As you uncannily predicted some time ago."

"I can't see, but I guess Viv's having kittens behind me."
She is.
"Sorry, Viv, I'm going to play. I'm going to go for the one that looks the least likely."
"On the other hand... I'm not being decisive, am I."
No. That's the whole fun of it.

"It was quite a large majority of the audience."
"Right, I'm going to go for John. Probably regret it..."
"Final answer?"
C) John
"You could have walked away with that money, you didn't. It's right. You are such a brave man!"

It's really John Whittaker Straw. "That's retiring money, now go!"

No lifelines remain; The Thirteen Club awaits.

�250,000, What kind of creature is a grackle?
A) Lizard B) Bird
C) Fish D) Beetle

[Weaver: Haven't a clue. Neither does my lifeline. Time to retire.]

David's grinning.
"I know this one."
"You've got no lifelines."
"It's a bird, Chris."
"Not a lizard or a fish?"
"Not unless it's in disguise."
He had �125,000. He's just won a quarter of a million.
A very good thing he couldn't see Viv's face.

It's more than he's been paid through his working life.

�500,000, The Newlyn School of the late 19th Century is associated with which group of people?
A) Method Actors B) Circus Entertainers
C) Painters D) Musicians

[Weaver: Even Encyclomedia returns a blank here]

David exhales loudly.
"A slight element of doubt, but I'm pretty sure it's painters."
"You stand to lose �218,000."
"I think it's painters."
"You've got more than you've earned. You said you'd retire on six figures. You want to play this?"
"Yes. Painters."
We'll take a break.

"David, it's absolutely the right answer."
Viv is overjoyed, the audience is hollering and whooping.

"How do you feel now, David?"
"Erm, I'll let you know in a couple of minutes time."
"Put it in your pocket."
"No no no. You keep it, Chris."
"Very kind. How do you feel?"
"I don't know. In a masochistic way, I'm enjoying it."

�ONE MILLION, If you planted the seeds of Quercus Robur what would grow?
A) Trees B) Flowers
C) Vegetables D) Grain

David looks down.
"Quercus is a type of tree, Chris."
"Certainly not vegetables, not grain."
More musing.

"I'm gonna go for it."
Audience hollers.
"Can we calm down, audience."
Chris reminds David that it's a big drop.
"I'm almost certain. I'm not quite sure, I think it's a type of oak. Nearly certain it's a tree."
"I don't know why you say nearly. Wanna play?"
"I know just the friend to find out."

It's his final answer.
David went for trees.
"If you'd have gone for..."
Audience groans.
"flowers, you'd have just lost �468,000."
"If you'd have gone for vegetables, you'd just have lost �468,000."
"If you'd have gone for grain, and you didn't think it could be grain, you would have lost �468,000."
"You are a millionaire!"

And, once again, the studio explodes into yellow spotlights, silver and blue foil confetti. Viv comes down, briefly goes again, then hugs David hard.

Chris reminds how David didn't want to touch the cheques all night. How he wanted to win six figures and retire. He didn't. He won seven figures.

"It's the biggest cash prize anywhere in the world, one million pounds sterling, tax free, from the most successful game show in the world."

"Last in the series Thursday at 8. We're off to the bar, and *he's* paying. Goodnight!"

Dir: Patricia Mordecai
Prod: Damon Patterson
A Celador production for ITV, 2001.

Weather: Rain arrives just after lunch (as I'm preparing to cut the lawn. Bah.) and stays. 8.

Today's telly: Wanted (1996, Horizons) Episode 6. Dawn and Lisa go synchronised swimming, but are caught in Leeds. Beryl and June's four-week run comes to an end just outside Dunstable. And Tracie and Anthony nearly get away with their golf game in Glasgow, but are caught with moments left. Tracie also has to put up with Oleg Gordievsky calling her ugly. ****
Treasure Hunt (1986, Challenge) St Albans. The one with the Harrier Jump Jet. ****
Are You Afraid Of The Dark? (1999, Nickleodeon) Digger, the computer program that takes over bodies. How come *everyone* uses Macs in these productions? ***
Futurama (Sky One) Leela gets two eyes. A great lesson on valuing differences. **** 1/2
Alistair McGowan's Big Impression (BBC1) Back for a new series. What *does* Huw do during the regional bulletins? ****

Chart News

Janet remains #1 in the US, and adds the Global Chart to her belt this week. Stereophonics retain #1 album in the UK, Emma Bunton can only make #4 with her release - the same entry position as Quitter Spice and Dykey Spice. Curious.

LW	TW	wks		pk
13	1	5	Survivor Destiny's Child	1
For the second straight week, a record leaps 13-1. Curious. Don't expect it to happen next week, 13 this week is Herasey's faller. Destiny's Child are on their second release from the still forthcoming Independent Women album, and it sounds a lot like their earlier work. It's good, but it's all a bit samey.
2	2	16	It Wasn't Me Shaggy feat Rick Rock	1
Now one million UK sales, the first record to achieve that mark since Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time" over two years ago. Spare a thought for Eiffel 65's "Blue", which made 998,000 on its official UK release, and a further 14,000 on pre-release import.
1	3	6	All For You Janet Jackson	1
Falling from the top as airplay continues to grow.
36	4	2	Lovin' Every Day Ronan Keating	4
The fourth solo release is a return to the up-tempo beat of "Life Is A Rollercoaster". Like that record, this is Another (Gregg) Alexander / (Rick) Nowels Production (TM). Unlike LIAR, this does actually suit Ronan's limited range, and hasn't run into the formatting problems that kept his previous hit from #1. This could well be the track to break Ronan outside the confines of his now-disbanded Boyzone.
3	5	9	Butterfly Crazy Town	2
Highlights
N	11	1	Get Your Freak On Missy Elliott	11
Her biggest solo hit to date, though her only top 10 remains the collaberation with Northern Spice on "I Want You Back." You will look in vain for a reference to Common Spice this week.
47	14	1	What It Feels Like For A Girl Madonna	14
On her commercial release, but without huge success. This is a dreary number, one that can't quite decide whether it's a dance number or a ballad, and really suffers as a result.
N	15	1	Liquid Dreams O-Town	15
Christopher Price's daily entertainment show - oh, sorry, that's Liquid News. This is the product of WB's "Making The Band" series, and name-checks Aguilera, Elliott, Jackson and Destiny's Child - all of whom appear elsewhere in the Roaring Forty.
23	16	1	The Way You Love Me Faith Hill	16
21	20	8	Thank You Dido	20
30	24	2	Play Jennifer Lopez	24
40	32	2	Follow Me Uncle Kraker	32
N	37	1	What's My Name? (Part 2) Snoop Dogg	37
What a dumb question.
46	38	1	Crawlin' Linkin Park	38
The second big single by one of the leading lights of the nu-rock movement.
N	45	0	Das Glockenspiel Schiller	45
Featuring a glockenspiel. Obviously.
70	49	0	Don't Stop Movin' S Club 7	49
N	52	0	Give Me A Reason Corrs	52
Goodness, what a flop. No sales, no real airplay. Has the bubble burst?
N	54	0	Forms Break Orbital	54
N	74	0	It's Raining Men Geri Halliwell	74
N	75	0	Straight Up Brian Harvey	75
Former East 17 frontman has the biggest flop of his career.
Records on beige backgrounds are primarily scoring from UK airplay; those on green backgrounds are yet to have a commercial UK release.