Among those whom I like
or admire,
I can find no common denominator,
but among those whom I love,
I can:
all of them
make me laugh
- W. H. Auden

There is no question about the importance of making a list - but you may not be an expert in this art yet.

Furthermore, your list is a dynamic entity. Over the course of time it will change as you have a better understanding of yourself, and as you impact on the world and on other people.

These changes are normal, and you will select a partner at a given time in your life, based upon your understanding of yourself at that time.

Your list will "freeze" at that point. It will determine whether your partner is currently suitable. It is your only guide for predicting the success of your life in the future.

You will have to be flexible in order to adapt to changes in yourself and your spouse, as you grow together over the course of time. If you do go through an extended period of dating, then you may want to brainstorm some more in the future, in order to update the list.

It may be difficult to make that list. One good way to get started is by using a technique called brainstorming.

Brainstorming means forcing yourself to prepare that list. It is used by some writers who face "writer's block" - an inability to continue their story line. To brainstorm, just keep writing, even if you do not have important things to put on paper.

By the end of your brainstorming session you should have a wonderful list of bland and useless generalities that would apply to thousands of possible candidates. Many of those sine qua non but obvious qualifications such as religion or gender can be eliminated. Descriptions such as "good" or "nice" may be a warning that it is time for some more careful and specific thinking.

However, the next level of qualifications may make the difference among potential candidates. It may include issues such as the following:

• Your feelings about various issues
  • Weight
  • Ethnic group
  • Philosophy
  • Specific aspects of religious observance
  • Skin color
  • Physical characteristics or disabilities that may bother you
• A sense of humor
• Hobbies or avocations
• Politically (in)correct issues
• Occupational goals
• Educational ambitions
  • Do you want to study in a Yeshiva for an extended period of time after marriage?
  • Would you would you want your husband to do so?
  • Do you want to get an advanced academic degree after marriage?
• Geographical location
  • It is surprising how important these issues could be.
    • He may want to study in a Yeshiva in Bridgeport while She wants to make Aliyah
    • He might want to live close to his Yeshiva, but She wants to live close to her parents
    • She may have a good, steady job in Boro Park, while He has a nice job in Lakewood
• Social or financial status
• Leadership, control, or management
• Honesty and tact
• Relationship of your date with his/her parents and family as an indicator of an ability to get along with and accept other people
• Size of your future family
• Plans to serve in the military
• Age range
• Sociability

With these guidelines in mind, you can now brainstorm again. Your list may be considerably different – and far more specific – at this point.

See the next article in this series

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Keywords: Brainstorming, Introspection
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