Regions - What you want to read - Articles about Israel

The traveller sees
what he sees,
the tourist sees
what he has come to see.
- G K Chesterton

Falsehoods

I was going on a tour, and the guide told us that the Star of David on your flag has nothing to do with King David. He just used a shield that looked like that star, but it was different.

It's the same thing with all of your old historical sites. Just about every place that I went, the guide told us that it isn't the real place. The same things with your graves. The archaeologists all say that the real graves are always someplace else.

You even have two graves for the Ramban. That's bad, because you make people walk and walk and walk, and then tell us that you fooled us, and that it's not the real grave.

I mean, like, back where I come from, if somebody tells you that you're in Rhode Island, then you know that you're in Rhode Island. There are some things that you don't joke about.

The next time you build a new historical site, be sure to check out whether somebody else didn't build the same historical site someplace else. It's embarrassing to keep building the same historical sites all over your country.

Roads

I'm really impressed by the tremendous development in roads and traffic all over Israel, but the planning leaves something to be desired. Those roads go to all the wrong places.

Take me, as an example. I'm staying at the Plaza Hotel in Jerusalem, and my children live in Efrat. I told them not to move there, but did they listen to me? No! They never listen to me. They think they know better. This young generation is terrible, and they will destroy the world.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. There is no road that connects the Plaza Hotel with Efrat. I have to go through all that local traffic. I'm a busy man, and I can't be bothered with your poor planning.

Those guys who built the roads obviously never gave it any thought. They just put down a road where it was convenient for them. They could have put the roads where they are needed, if they were smart.

That's not the only problem with your public transportation. I had to go from Tiberias to Haifa for a wedding last Tuesday night. Would you believe that there is no direct bus at 6 o'clock that connects those two cities? My family had to work around a ridiculous bus schedule that couldn't meet our needs.

People had told me that Egged would take me wherever I needed. That's just not true. What good are buses if they don't come when you need them? I was ready to sue the Egged Bus Company and demand my rights.

Construction

I was just in Jerusalem and I saw that there's a lot of wasted space. My uncle's brother-in-law used to work for NASA, so I know all about space. You Israelis should build buildings that are much much higher, like we do in my country.

On the other hand, people say that it's dangerous to have high buildings because they attract terrorists.

So I believe that the Israeli government should decide what to do. It should come out with a definite policy regarding the buildings, so that they can arrange for the most efficient use of land but without creating a security problem.

I believe that this is the most important issue facing Israel today.

Names

"You know you people ought to be more careful about the way you name your places over there.

I was in your Old City in Jerusalem, and you got a whole bunch of gates over there. They look real pretty except for one of them, and that one's called the Dung Gate. Do you know what dung is? Dung is really awful. You should be more careful about the way you name your places because it could be pretty embarrassing. You know, I'm even embarrassed to say the name of that gate because it reminds me of what it means. I think that's absolutely awful. Don't you know how to use any taste at all when you name things?"

"Oh, I hear your point. And where do you come from, madam?"

"Flushing."

"Oh, I see."

Where do you want to go now?