ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:
GUBERNATOR!
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March 03, 2004
Top Ten Things Governor Schwarzenegger Hears In A Typical Day
10. "When are you going to drop the phony accent?"
9. "Read the Education Budget and then you can have some Strudel."
8. "Why does this place always smell like Baby Oil?"
7. "Are you driving the Hummer to the Earth Day rally?"
6. "Letterman on the phone again -- should I tell him you're still in a
meeting?"
5. "The Governor will answer a few questions then show off his abs and
delts."
4. "Relax, Governor -- I wasn't sent from the future to kill you."
3. "When shaking hands with assembly members, stop squeezing once you
hear a crack."
2. "You gave up a $25 million salary to do this?!"
1. "Governor, please put the desk down."
© 2004 by Worldwide Pants.
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October 15,
2003
Top Ten Cool Things About Having a Bodybuilder as Governor
10. Every California classroom will have a Soloflex
9. The Mr. Olympia contest now gets full coverage on C-SPAN
8. Was it not Thomas Jefferson who said we were all entitled to "Life, liberty,
and the pursuit of a sweet-ass set of delts"?
7. He'll take that 8-billion-dollar deficit and... uh... punch it, I guess
6. I'm on the short list for Lieutenant Governor
5. Will put an end to America's dependence on foreign protein shakes
4. He'll veto bills by doing this (flexes)
3. He is nice
2. It's very entertaining -- as long as he's not governor of your state
1. He'll have something to fall back on when he gets recalled
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October 09, 2003
Top Ten Pieces Of Advice Gray Davis Has
For Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. "Governor, when you realize you don't know what you're doing, give me a
call"
9. "Body-building oil will stain the mansion's Italian silk sofa"
8. "Listen to your constituents -- except Michael Jackson"
7. "(Sorry, joke number 7 was recalled)"
6. "To improve your approval rating, go on Leno -- when you get kicked out, go
on Letterman"
5. "Study the master -- George W. Bush" (laughs) "Ah, I'm just kidding"
4. "You could solve the deficit problem by donating your salary from 'Terminator
3'"
3. "If things are bad, just yell, 'Save us, Superman!'"
2. "While giving speech, never say, 'Santa Cruz, Santa Barbara...same thing'"
1. "It's pronounced 'California'"
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October 08, 2003
Top Ten Ways California Would Be Different If I, Gary Coleman, Had Been
Elected Governor
10. "Pretty much the same as Schwarzenegger, but less body oil"
9. "Three words: Lieutenant Governor Urkel"
8. "Thanks to my innocent charm, I'd get away with 60% more groping"
7. "I guess I'd have to quit my job as a security guard"
6. "You may not agree with me, but at least you could understand me"
5. "Inaugural address would have a laugh track"
4. "Television viewers wouldn't know if they were watching C-Span or Nick at
Nite"
3. "Wouldn't have to worry about me having to take time off to do movies"
2. "I would form a task force to find out exactly what Willis was talking about"
1. "Unlike Schwarzenegger, I would admit I'm not qualified"
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October 7, 2003
Top Ten Possible California Newspaper Headlines For Tomorrow
10. "135-Way Tie Throws State Into Confusion"
9. "Gray Davis Fails To Convince Self To Vote For Self"
8. "Governor Gary Coleman Names Lieutenant Governor Urkel"
7. "Recall Election Just Elaborate 'Punk'd' Prank"
6. "Dejected Comedian Gallagher Takes Sledgehammer To Own Head"
5. "Screw The Recall, How Did The Cubs And The Red Sox Get In The Playoffs?"
4. "Millions of Californians Move To Nevada"
3. "Confused Al Gore Demands Recount"
2. "Bush Reminds Nation 'You Can't Recall a President'"
1. "Maria To Arnold: 'Why Don't You Ever Grope Me?'"
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October 01, 2003
Top Ten Questions Received by the Schwarzenegger For Governor Hotline
10. "What's Arnold's poorly-worded plan to fix the economy?"
9. "Why is Arnold campaigning in St. Louis?"
8. "Will he govern shirtless?"
7. "Is he going to take a leave of absence if he becomes pregnant
again?"
6. "Just to clarify -- will he be back?"
5. "When is this Governor movie coming out?"
4. "Did Arnold get the egg I tossed to him?"
3. "Is this the Tom Arnold for Governor hotline?"
2. "Can you tell Mr. Schwarzenegger his steroid shipment has arrived?"
1. "What time is tonight's group sex fundraiser?
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September 24, 2003
Top Ten Ways Arnold Schwarzenegger Prepared For The Debate
10. Bribed moderator not to call on him
9. Drew inspiration from the wise words of Chuck Norris
8. Soothed his nerves with a gin-and-protein-powder martini
7. Asked campaign staff to devise new and exciting ways to mangle the
English language
6. Prepare? Only wimps prepare!
5. Watched George W. Bush debate highlights, did the opposite
4. Boned up on issues facing California with six-episode marathon of
"The O.C."
3. Attempted to travel forward in time to see what he was about to do
wrong
2. Brushed up on topics he doesn't know much about -- education, budget
deficits, welfare, tax policy, immigration laws and corporate fraud
1. "Oiled his glutes," if you know what I mean
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September 4, 2003
Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Debate Conditions
10. Questions may be answered in English, German, or a combination of both
9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft candidates' responses
8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall and Arnold gets everyone
out just before the whole place blows up
7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second clip from "Terminator"
6. No tricky words like "budget" or "Sacramento"
5. Attire -- bathing suit and baby oil
4. Candidate receives standard 30-million dollar fee, plus 10 percent of box
office gross
3. Moderator -- Lou Ferrigno
2. No questions that can't be answered "I'll be back"
1. Arnold must win
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August 26, 2003
Top Ten Things Overheard at Schwarzenegger Campaign Headquarters
10. "It's pronounced 'Gu-ber-na-tor-ee-al'"
9. "Your wife called to say there's no way in hell she's voting for you"
8. "Kids don't need subsidized school lunches -- they need mass-building protein
power supplements"
7. "Remember, when you're shaking hands, ease up if you hear cracking"
6. "Good news! Lou Ferrigno just endorsed us!"
5. "Don't worry -- Mars isn't close enough to hurt you"
4. "I'm not sure saying 'Hasta la vista, baby' constitutes an outreach to
Hispanic voters"
3. "Who's the actor who plays Gray Davis?"
2. "Arnold got his head caught in the Soloflex again"
1. "You've lived here for 35 years. Why do you have an accent?"
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August 7, 2003
Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Campaign Promises
10. "To do for politics what I did for acting"
9. "Combine the intelligence of George Bush with the sexual appetite of Clinton"
8. "A heaping tablespoon of Joe Weider's 'Dynamic Body Shaper' in every pot"
7. "Every freeway gets a dedicated car chase lane"
6. "Seek advice from elder political statesmen like Jesse Ventura"
5. "Crack down on schools graduating students who can't bench-press 180 pounds"
4. "Solemnly swear to support the Constitution of Gold's Gym"
3. "Goofiest-named governor since Pataki"
2. "Raise the minimum age for dating Demi Moore"
1. "Speak directly to the voters in clear, honest, broken English"
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July 31, 2003
Top Ten Reasons Arnold Schwarzenegger Is
Not Running For Governor of California
10. Name wouldn't fit on campaign button
9. Robot from future killed his campaign manager
8. After you're "Mr. Universe," "Governor of California" seems kinda lame
7. Week-long budget talks would leave no time to work on his pecs
6. Can't spell governor
5. Has decided to run for Hulk instead
4. Rumor that they test gubernatorial candidates for steroids
3. Decided he only wants jobs where it's appropriate to be "oiled up"
2. Realized his questionable background and dumb-guy reputation would better
qualify him to be president
1. Didn't want to take a 29-million dollar pay cut
© 2003 by Worldwide Pants.
FilmDweeb's Wacky Lists for 2002
http://www.geocities.com/FilmDweeb/topten/list2002.html
FilmDweeb's Wacky Lists for 2003
http://www.geocities.com/FilmDweeb/topten/list2003.html
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