Crazy4Christ - Jokes
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These are not actually bloopers, but rather the sequence of the words can be taken the wrong way. If you have trouble finding these funny by reading them on the screen, try reading them out loud.
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Thursday at 5 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the pastor in his study.
3. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
4. Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.
5. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
6. Tonight's sermon: "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practicing.
7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery in the basement.
A BUISSNESS TRIP
A businessman from Michigan went on a business trip to Texas in July. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, [email protected]. Unfortunately, in his haste he mistyped a letter, and the E-mail ended up going to [email protected], a Jean Johnson in San Francisco, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill . "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and round to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
HISTORY TEST - how things were according to 6th graders
1. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Noah's wife was named Joan of Ark.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel for a year to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers. It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity," he said when he came back. "Oy vey!" replied the father, "What have I done?" So, in the traditions of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my son the Israel, and he also returned a Christian" his friend said. So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers we must take this to God." They feel to their knees and began to wail and to pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my son to Israel......"
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge. But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor." Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches. Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak
to Finkelstein. "Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for
business," gushes Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?" "Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus and Finkelstein it is." "Ooh, no, no", says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus." After all I am the craftsman. The two of them debate this for some time. Among other topics, they have quite a good theological discussion. Finally, they come to a compromise decision. The new sign went up...
"Lord & Taylor"
A Boston preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great enthusiasm he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater enthusiasm he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw iit into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"