The saddest part of all this was that I actually took my girlfriend there!

You might think my living conditions were awful, but it's all relative. I had a friend eating out of a hubcap, so I felt pretty good about myself. Still, it's no wonder why singles apartments are about as close as we all come to being homeless.

The only good thing about a singles apartment is that you never really have to get your mother to clean it up. At least not until the day you move and try to get the security deposit back. Then you argue with the landlord.

As you get older you find you do have to tidy up occasionally. Or you have to at least try to make people think you do. We've all done that, been home on the weekend, had the phone ring: "Hey, we're in the neighbourhood, thought we'd stop by and see you." You always say, "Of course, come over. I'd love to have you." You hang up and do that flight of the bumblebee. A hundred kilometres an hour, fluff and stuff. You're sweating when they get there, and the first thing you always say is "Excuse the house, it's a mess. Come on in." Why don't we just tell them the truth? "Mate, this is the cleanest my place has been in six years! Just don't open the closet, you'll kill yourselves."