3am Thinking

Full As a Fairy's Phonebook
(Page 10)

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Single people do throw the best parties. There's always a good chance somebody's coming out of their clothes before the night's out. Most of the time it's the woman who's dancing by herself way too early in the evening. "It's only 7:15 and Sally's dancing by herself. That shirt's coming off tonight, I guarantee you."

Single people don't consider it a good party unless the police have been there at least a dozen times. When they arrive it's the same scenario every time: 400 drunks trying to act like they're not drunk. One guy is the spokesman for the group.

"It's the cops, turn the stereo down! Put your shirt on, Sally! Everyone be cool, let me do the talking. Welcome back, Constable Mitchell!!! Don't shoot!"
Then to the crowd: "I told him don't shoot!"
Then back to the police: I'm glad you're back, I wanna report a crime. Larry puked in the aquarium. Stinks very much bad in here. Oi, if I lie down on the footpath, will you draw my picture with that little chalk you all have?"

No one ever went home from those parties. They just slept where they fell. When you got up the next day, it'd look like a war-zone. You'd try to wake up people you'd never met before.

"Hey man-with-no-pants-and-a-fireman's-helmet-on, please get up. I've got to go to work. All right, lock the door when you leave. I just found a new sofa, and I don't want anything to happen to it."

I once went to a toga party from which I walked home naked. Thank goodness it was only two blocks from the apartment. I'm still trying to figure out where I had the key. If you know, please don't tell me.

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