Short Story

It was 1:24am Zaporogie standard time when 3 fearless, brave, dauntless, daring, valiant, heroic, bold, adventurous and just plain spunky inmates started planning their escape. "All we have to do is kick the guard Baitova in the left knee, and then the right knee, and then kick her in the face", said one (the mean one). "Eeek squeeeak BOZ Eeek eek Mark Twain squeeak", said one (the sensible one) and the other just replied, "Man, I have to go to the bathroom...again.Yes, Natalia, Oksana and Olga were being held in the Ukrainian prison for innovative gymnasts. Oksana for dog macing, Natalia for killing 42 people and maiming 12, and Olga for urinating on passing cars.They were fed up with prison life. They wanted freedom, they wanted cigarette lighters, so they planned, schemed, invented, organized, made arrangements, and just plain plotted an escape. They were going to slip the following piece of paper to the guard Baitova and run out while she was figuring it out. (That could take days.) They gave Baitova the paper and thus were able to flee, leave, depart, elude, evade, run off, vanish, slip away from, and just plain escape the prison. Their first stop after their escape was the bathroom at the gas station (Olga had gotten a tad too excited). While Oksana and Natalia were waiting for her in the mini-mart, Olga relieved herself. Just then a tall, dark stranger with alcohol on his breath and Bile tattooed on his left biceps, strutted in.He sauntered up to Oksana and said, "How much do you cost?", to which Oksana replied, "I am free now, that means I no cost nothing." He scooped up Oksana in one arm, Natalia in the other and strutted back out of the mini-mart. Natalia was able to escape by breaking all of Dmitiri's fingers but he still had Oksana. By now Olga was out of the bathroom and was watching in horror as Dmitri led Oksana away, "Ooops",said Olga, "J'ai peter."' Out of the corner of her eye, Natalia saw two pairs of rollerskates and in a matter of seconds her and Olga were in hot pursuit of the running Dmitri. Far ahead in the distance they heard Oksana wailing "Eeeeek squeeak, Help." When Olga first stood up, she fell right on her rear end. She said with a surprised look on her face "I hurt my butt." Well, Natalia and Olga were fast (but not as fast as Dobre)and they easily caught up to Dmitri. "Unhand her", shouted Natalia. "You are bad, evil, sinful, immoral, wrong, corrupt, foul, naughty, indecent, vile and just plain wicked." And you smell bad, or is it me?" , volunteered Olga. Dmitri knew that he was a beaten man, "Ugha wubba maughea puha ugh", said Dmitri. He then poured vodka all over himself and lit a match, creating an interesting optical illusion. The 3 were reunited. All of a sudden, Olga had a thought "I have to potty", so she did on the first passing car. "Old habits die hard", thought Natalia, "I hope I don't kill anyone." Oksana was just itching to mace someone or something. They all realized at the same time that they truly belonged in the Ukrainian prison for innovative gymnasts. They ran back to the prison, passed guard Baitova, who was still looking at the paper and ran into their cells. Oksana squeaked in delight, "We're home at last."