Rik's Rant

Star Wars Creator Proclaimed Pervert
by Derek “RIK” Surrett

“George Lucas is one of the biggest perverts of all time!”claims full time accountant Richard B.T. Surrett. “It’s all part of a huge conspiracy to turn our nation’s children into sexual deviants!”

Richard B.T. Surrett, who has raised four boys, insists that there are very few good, unperverted movies out there and it’s getting worse all the time. “I used to let my kids watch TV all the time and never thought that there was anything wrong. But ever since I watched the Star Wars movies I realized that there are hidden messages in every movie I see. But, so far, Star Wars has been the worst!”

Richard goes on to say that most people are not even aware of what they are hearing. Take for example one of the first lines from The Empire Strikes Back: “Possible he came in through the south entrance.” Now taking the context of the movie it suggests that Luke Skywalker may have come in the backdoor of the battle station. But, if you listen to it like a perverted old man then you hear “Luke may have come in the backdoor!” Can you see the difference? Right.

When questioned about his father’s theory, one of his sons disagrees. W.E.S. (preferring to only give his initials for privacy reasons) claims he thinks it is because his father doesn’t get enough sex of his own. “Dad has got sex on the brain, like, constantly. He, ya know, can’t stop thinking about it. Therefore, like, he, ya know, hears something perverted in, like, everything. George Lucas was a brilliant man. He created movies way ahead of his time. And as far as movies with sex in them go, this one has next to none. Except for whatever the snow beast did to Luke in that cave, right?”

“My son’s a lunatic,” retaliates Richard. “He’s smoked so much dope in his life that it’s fried his brain cells. He hasn’t got a clue what he’s talking about. That Lucas fellow has brainwashed my son’s mind into being a druggie. I even found this picture taken from a director’s cut of The Empire Strikes Back in his closet.”

Here is a list of some of the “inappropriate comments” made in the Star Wars movies (Mr. Surrett’s list, not ours).

Sexually Suggestive Lines From The Star Wars Trilogy

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'
'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
'Sorry about the mess...'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'
'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'
'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'
'Hurry up, golden-rod...'
'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'
'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'
'Control, control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'
'I never knew I had it in me.'
'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'
'Back door, huh? Good idea!'
'She's gonna blow!'
'I think you'll fit in nicely.'
'Rise, my friend.'
'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

Richard claims that George Lucas used one of the most adorable characters for some of the worst comments. “He assumes that since we see a cute little Muppet we won’t make the connection. But we know, Mr. Lucas....oh yes... we know!” Although we could not find any of the following quotes, Mr. Surrett claims they are indeed in the movies:

The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
10. "Feel the force!"
9. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."
8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
7. "Do me or do me not - there is no try."
6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass."
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

We, the people here at the UCC, think that Mr. Surrett has an overactive imagination and needs to look into getting some more action or else he runs the risk of turning into a dirty old pervert himself.

I will go to great lengths to investigate any conspiracy theory you may have. We know there are many. We are not afraid of Them. Send me any theories you may have and I'll get to the bottom of them.

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