Horoscopes

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
Famous Aries: Fuzzy
When was the last time you called your mother? She carried you in her womb for nine months, and you can't even pick up the goddamn phone once every couple of weeks? That's what's wrong with the world these days, people don't respect their mothers.

Taurus: (April 20--May 20)
Famous Tauruses: Ben
You know that new movie coming out called Charlie's Angels? Is that based on a true story?

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Famous Geminis: Jenn, Rik, Lyne, Kevin, Wendy
Some people are always trying to get people to go out and vote - I think we should spend more of our time trying to convince people not to vote. Do we really want every idiot out there that either doesn't know or doesn't care about what's going on adding their stupid-ass opinion to the pot? I don't. I think if someone can be talked out of voting, it means they didn't have much of an opinion to begin with. So screw 'em!

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Famous Cancers: Steve, Lung
The only thing that could be funnier than Robin Williams is Robin Williams with a pumpkin on his head.

Leo: (July 23--August 22)
You know, the last time I sank my teeth into someone's forearm I nearly got myself killed. Boy, I'll never do that again!

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Due to the election people aren't really paying much attention to Hallowe'en this year - too bad, I bet there are a lot of people who would love to dress up like Linda Blair if only they could find a party to go to.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
I've got a technical question for all the computer geeks out there: what kind of ointment should I use on my cuts and abrasions after I put my fist through my computer monitor?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Famous Scorpios: Jon, Peter B.
So Israel is fighting again. I say they have coin toss, and whoever loses gets sent to Wyoming to live. No one lives there anyway. Sure, there's no Jerusalem in Wyoming, but there's Yellowstone National Park!

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Famous Sagittarians: Ron, Darrell
If you find that your shoes are wearing out too quickly, try walking on your hands at least 20% of the time.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Now that Snow has a new hit on MuchMusic, they've started playing Informer again. Man, that song rocked. Try watching it with the closed captioning on, you get to figure out all the lyrics and stuff.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Famous Aquarii: Amanda
If TV has taught me nothing else, it's that the chick from Dark Angel is hot.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Famous Pisces: Jen
For some reason, no one but me considers olives to be comfort food.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws