Getting screwed and lost...taxis, and buses

When I told my relatives in Israel that they were going to put me in this Army program, they all laughed and said, "Hey, maybe you'll be made a navigator." ^Haha, what a riot.^ My ability to get lost has not been seen in this world since Columbus left from Spain, thinking he was going back home to Italy. In the immortal words of my friend Vegard, from Norway, when asked about my tardiness to a lecture, "He can get lost on the way to the bathroom."

It's rather annoying to be in a country that is having tensions of war, to have such a bad sense of direction. I mean, I was walking around, trying to get the bus, thinking I was going in the right direction, when the soldier stops me for a second.

"�� �� �� ������." [Ten li et haderchon?]

"What?!?!"

"Let me see your passport."

"�����, ��� ���?" [Hevanti, aval lama?] (I understood you, but why?)

He paused for a second.

"��, ��� ���� ��� ����, ��?" [Ma, atah yodaya shezeh Yarden, lo?] (What, you didn't know that that's Jordan?) ^Perfect,^ I'm taking a trip to Jerusalem, I'm taking a small side trip to Amman. ^Lovely.^ The countries aren't exactly best friends, peace treaty, or no peace treaty.

That's in the middle of nowhere. It's even worse in the actual cities. I personally have no idea how anybody finds there way around Jerusalem. There is a law there that (almost) all of the buildings have to be built out of the same colored sand stone, in order to keep its antiquated look. So, yes I get lost most of the times I go there.

The first time, as I told before, that I was late in finding my cousins' house, it was literally an international incident, with people consoling my family back in the states who thought I'd been kidnapped.

When I take the bus, it's not any better. I mean, in America, I'd fall asleep on the city or school bus occasionally, but here it's even harder when I'm awake. "Look for the landmark of the sandstone building." ^Great.^

So my relatives tried to help, they explained to me that the bus stop that I needed was the second to last bus stop. Personally, I didn't see this as quite that useful. I'd walk from the last bus stop to the previous bus stop, a good half mile if I didn't get lost, which, duh, I did. Finally they gave me the advice to show me the true idiot that I am. "Michael, ask the bus driver to tell you where the second to last stop is."

I found out on the bus, or rather realized, that "second to last" doesn't translate into Hebrew. In Hebrew, the's last, then, first to the last, so it changes it. After a ^riveting conversation^ with the bus driver about this, I got off at the second to last stop, to discover that I had taken the wrong bus.

That's a norm. Another norm is that you need a simple bus ride somewhere, but you get on the bus stop on the other side of the street, realize you went the wrong way at the end of the bus's line, get on another bus all the way to the central bus station, take the correct bus to the place, but tired from all of this, you fall asleep, miss the stop, then need to get on to the backwards bus to finally get to your destination at four times the price, six times the time, all for something that turns out to have a ten minute walk shortcut.

So, if the bus doesn't work, you take a taxi. Unfortunately, since the words "American idiot" are tattooed on my forehead, this doesn't work to well, either. "Make sure you get a receipt," warned my aunt. So, after they drove me around five, ten miles, they said since the traffic was so bad, it'd be 70 shekels (twenty dollars). OK, I thought it might be a little bit high, and I made sure to get a receipt. I was sort of helping her at work, so it was deductible.

So, I got to my aunt's house. "Hey, you're actually not hours late."

"Well, I had the taxi take me. Speaking of which, how much should it have been?"

"Twenty, thirty shekels." I showed her the receipt.

"SEVENTY?!?"

Upon closer inspection of the receipt, we discovered that as well as it having 70 shekels for its bottom line, it also had no phone number, the name of the taxi company was scratched out, and the signature was composed of a wiggly line.

It has been decided that it has been in my best interest to remain stagnant and unmoving for the rest of my time in this country.

Get me outa here!!!

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---

Michael Kadish

"Quite a number of people also describe the German classical author, Shakespeare, as belonging to English literature, because -- quite accidentally born at Statford-on-Avon-- he was forced by the authorities of the country to write in English." -- Deutscher und Beobachter, 1940

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