These are the Jokes, Folks. III
(The offensive ones)

Jesus is on the mountaintop, on the cross, and he sees Peter at the bottom. "Peter, come to me." Peter does not hesitate.

"I am coming my Lord." As Peter proceeds, a big Roman guard with a menacing sword steps in front of him.

"Halt!" Peter keeps going, and swish, the guard slices off Peter's right arm.

"Peter, come to me." Not noticing his missing limb, Peter continues on his path to his savior.

"Halt!" Peter doesn't, and swish, off comes the left arm.

"Peter, come to me." His body dripping with blood, his former shoulder squirting red from the

"Halt!" Peter walks past, and whack, off comes the right leg.

"Peter, my son, come to me." Beginning to feel faint, Peter, without losing any speed continues, by hopping toward his Lord.

"Halt!" and, thwack, off comes the other leg.

"Peter, come to me." Peter, with more determination, uses his mouth to bite the grass in front of him and continues to drag himself towards the son of God.

"Halt...oh screw it, go ahead," says the guard, feeling some pity.

Finally, Peter reaches his destination. "Yes my Lord, what do you request from me?"

"Oh, nothing, I just wanted to tell you I can see your house from here."

A Norwegian, a Dane, and a Swede were set to be executed. They are each given their choice. The Norwegian chooses a guillotine. He goes to the guillotine, and at the last second, the blade stops, and he is allowed to go free. The Dane says that he'll also take the guillotine also. Last second, the guillotine stops, and he's let go. Then, they go to the Swede. "Well, since the guillotine doesn't work, I'll take the firing squad."

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman are set to be executed by guillotine. The Englishman goes first, and he's asked whether he'd rather face up or down. Being a wimp, he asks to face downward. As the guillotine falls though, something goes wrong, and he is not killed. Consequently, he's let free. Then comes the Scot. He to claims to be terribly scared, and asks to face down. Once again, at the last second, the blade doesn't work, and the Scotsman is let free.

Then comes the Irishman. He declares that he's not afraid of anything, and demands to face forward as the blade falls. They comply, and right before they pull down on the rope, he screams, "Wait, wait, I see the problem."

Adam, while walking through the garden becomes lonely, and he asks God for somebody to join him. God says, "OK, I'll give you somebody, but it will cost you you're right eye, your left foot, and eight toes."

After thinking about it, Adam says, "OK, what can I get if I just give in a rib?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are doing construction work on a skyscraper, when they break for lunch. "Oh, God!," screamed the Englishman, "I can't believe I got cucumber sandwiches again. If my wife gives me these again, I'm jumping off this building."

"Oh, God!," screamed the Scot, "I can't believe I got haggis again. If my wife gives me this again, I'm jumping off this building."

"Oh, God!," screamed the Irishman, "I can't believe I got guinea sandwiches again. If my wife gives these again, I'm jumping off this building."

So, the next day they have lunch break again. "Cucumber sandwiches!" screamed the Englishman, and jumped to his death.

"Haggis!" screamed the Scot, and jumped to his death.

"Guinea sandwiches!" screamed the Irishman, and jumped to his death. So, that day, the other workers went and told the wives.

"Oh, if only he told me he didn't want cucumber sandwiches!" cried the Englishman's wife."

"Oh, if only he had told me he didn't want haggis!"

"Oh if only the bastard made his own meals!"

An American, A Norwegian, and a Pakistani are in a sinking hot air balloon, and they realize they each have to throw something out, in order to survive. The American threw out his CDs, saying he had plenty more back home. The Pakistani threw out his turbans saying he had plenty more back home. The Norwegian threw out the Pakistani and the American, saying there were too many back home, as it was.

Every year in Newfoundland, the elders gather together to determine who the smartest Newfy is. They do this by having a large ceremony somewhere in Northern Europe, where the elders have put an object behind a curtain. When the curtain is drawn, the Newfies have to guess what the object is. When they guess wrong, everybody yells out stupid, but the first one who's right wins Newfy of the year.

Three years ago, it was in Gothamburg. The Elders picked a king sized bed.

"A bicycle?"

"Stupid!!!"

"An elephant?"

"Stupid!"

"A king sized bed?" So, he was crowned Newfy of the year. The next year, it was in Helsinki. Trying to throw a curve, the elders picked a queen sized bed.

"It's another king sized bed?"

"Stupid!!!"

"It's a...uhm...queen sized bed?" He was Newfy of the year. So this year, they had it in Oslo. And the elders picked...what's it called with the two beds on top of each other?

"You mean a bunk bed?"

Congratulations, you're Newfy of the year!

Get me outa here!!!

Wanna read the last one?

Wanna read the next one?

Take me back to the list

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Michael Kadish

I'm learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

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