These are the Jokes, Folks.
(First Attempt)

Jesus is on the mountaintop, on the cross, and he sees Peter at the bottom. "Peter, come to me." Peter does not hesitate.

"I am coming my Lord." As Peter proceeds, a big Roman guard with a menacing sword steps in front of him.

"Halt!" Peter keeps going, and swish, the guard slices off Peter's right arm.

"Peter, come to me." Not noticing his missing limb, Peter continues on his path to his savior.

"Halt!" Peter doesn't, and swish, off comes the left arm.

"Peter, come to me." His body dripping with blood, his former shoulder squirting red from the amputation.

"Halt!" Peter walks past, and whack, off comes the right leg.

"Peter, my son, come to me." Beginning to feel faint, Peter, without losing any speed continues, by hopping toward his Lord.

"Halt!" and, thwack, off comes the other leg.

"Peter, come to me." Peter, with more determination, uses his mouth to bite the grass in front of him and continues to drag himself towards the son of God.

"Halt...oh screw it, go ahead," says the guard, feeling some pity.

Finally, Peter reaches his destination. "Yes my Lord, what do you request from me?"

"Oh, nothing, I just wanted to tell you I can see your house from here."

There are three guys who are lost in the woods, and they come on to an old house. One of them suggests they ask the owner for a place to stay for the night. Inside they meet an old farmer, standard story here, old farmer, beautiful granddaughter, and they could stay and eat there, but they couldn't touch her.

That night the farmer gives the three of them the room at the end of the hall, completely opposite the girl. They go to lie down, and the first guy said, "My God that girl is gorgeous, I've got to sneak into that room." So, he tiptoes across the hall, but halfway there, there is a loud creak in the floor. Suddenly, he hears a shotgun being loaded from the direction of the farmer's room, which was n the middle of this hallway.

"Who's there?!?"

"Meow!" screams the guy and jumps back into his room. He comes back into the room panting. "Forget it guys, she is not worth it. That old man is crazy."

"Oh, you're just chicken. Besides, she was looking at me the whole dinner." So the second guy tries. Same creak in the floor.

Chkchk goes the shotgun. "Freeze, who's that?!?"

"Meow!" He jumps back to the room. "He was going to shoot me. Just forget the whole thing. Forget the whole thing."

"Oh, you two are so pathetic. That babe is as good as mine," says the third guy.

Creak!

Chkchk!

"Who's there?!?"

"It's your damn cat."

A guy goes into a brothel. "What can I get for $20?"

"For $20? Well, you can get Big Bertha's singing act. Go in that room over there." So he goes in the room, and he meets a rather obese women.

"I've paid for your 'singing act.' What is it?"

She looks at him, and very seductively she tells him that she can give him a blow job, and sing, at the same time. Only thing is, he has to turn off the light first. He complies. So she starts singing, and uhmm, whatever, and the man's in heaven. After a while, she tells him that time's up. He begs her to continue, and she agrees for fifty dollars. He complies. Soon, this time is up also, but he has to know how she does it, so when he's about to pay for a third time, he quickly flashes on the light, just in time to see Big Bertha putting in her glass eye.

Three lawyers go to rent rooms at a hotel. "Sorry, we only have one room, and in it, we only have one bed." SO they all agree to share the bed. The next day, they woke up remarkably well rested.

"Wow," said the lawyer who slept on the right, "I had the best sex dream ever last night. I just kept going, and going, all night."

"Wow, me to," says the lawyer on the left.

"Hmm," said the lawyer in the middle, "my whole dream was about skiing..."

The night of the honeymoon, the groom has one thing to request of his wife. When they sleep together, the lights must be off. She complies, and they have a very happy marriage.

Twenty years, and four kids later, the wife gets curious. They've had sex at least twice a week since they were wed, but it always has been in the dark. So, one night, when they're engaged in the act, she can't help it, and she flings the light on. There, on top of her, is her husband, with a dildole.

"I can explain this," he said, "but how do you explain the four kids?"

The Rabbi decided he had had enough of shul, so one Yom Kippor, he decided not to go, and to hit the links. He started out, and he had an amazing game. His first three were holes in one.

This caught the attention of the angels. Here was a great Rabbi who ignores Judiasm, on the holiest day of the year, to go play a game. But the worst part was that this Rabbi, who should, due to his improper behavior he should be screwing up big time. After ten straight holes in one, the angels called God over and asked him to explain himself. How could he still be helping this Rabbi?

"Shhh, just watch," replied the Lord. Still, the Rabbi kept getting holes in one. After the seventeenth hole, the angels couldn't take it anymore.

"What's going on here?"

"Just watch," said Hashem. The Rabbi was on the eighteenth hole, and he had a score of seventeen, but this was the hardest, a par five.

"This better be good," the angels said to each other. Right then, they saw the Rabbi score a double eagle. "God, how could you give him that game after what he did?"

God, doing His equivalent of smiling, said, "Who's he going to tell?"

Get me outa here!!!

Wanna read the last one?

Wanna read the next one?

Take me back to the list

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Michael Kadish

I'm learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

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