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| I like Monkeys Prison vs. School Stupid One Liners Everything's Big in Texas Baked Beans Computer Illiteracy Messed Up State Laws Life's Questions Excuses for Sleeping at Work Intresting Tidbits |
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IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time at a desk that sticks to your butt. IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT SCHOOL you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT SCHOOL you get rewarded for good behavior by being called the teachers pet. IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT SCHOOL you get detention for playing games. IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT SCHOOL you have to share and wait your turn in line. IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT SCHOOL you cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. |
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The light's on but no one's home. Not the brightest bulb in the box. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. A few cards short of a deck. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. Not the brightest crayon in the box. One twist short of a slinky. They are depriving some village of its idiot. A few clowns short of a circus. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few tacos short of a fiesta platter. The antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. Another brain would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. A few fruit loops shy of a full bowl. Donated his brain to science before he was done with it. A few shades beyond blonde. Has to take turns for the family brain-cell. The wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off (or is dead). A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding. As fruity as a bag of Skittles. Has a mind like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states. Not the quickest bunny in the forest. A few colors short of a rainbow. A few snags short of a barbie. A poster child for birth control. |
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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving... he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" |
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, tooting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. |
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Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press the Enter key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is. 2. Gateway support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard too control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another Gateway customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the diskettes. 5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the technician to hold on, and was heard putting the phone own, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his office. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get this computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and pressing the "Send" key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told that Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 9. A Gateway technician spoke to a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid entry" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After making sure the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal� turned out to be the mouse. 11. A customer called Compaq to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 12. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." 13. True story from a Novell NetWire technician: Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I'm within my warranty period. How do I get it fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '32X' on it." At this point the technician had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive! |
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Alabama: Boogers may not be flicked into the wind; HR-3421 Alaska: It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a plane; Law Section 6754 Arkansas: A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month; Law Sector 56790-ER4 California: No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour; Sector RTG-7890 Class Code Colorado: It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence; C-145 Connecticut: You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour; C-Law E4 Delaware: It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist; SL: 5643 Florida: Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal; FL-2-345 A Georgia: No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday; Or: 3 Sec. #452 Hawaii: Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears; Ms: 10-4.2 Idaho: Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime; RFD-5.6 Illinois: You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2. Indiana: A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17; 7/345,3 Fine C Iowa: One-armed piano players must perform for free; Class-Act 3/Sec 6-75.h Kansas: Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats; State ordinance 349 Kentucky: All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. KRS 252.130 Louisiana: It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. State Violation E-3421 Maine: Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack; Er 5.43 Maryland: It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits; State/City Rule 67 Massachusetts: Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. H.RMass: 7-002.k Michigan: A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission; M-ULaw Sector 56790/ER4 |
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If I played a blank tape at full blast, would the mime next door go nuts? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year? Why are there Braille dots on a drive-through ATM keypad? Why do doctors call what they do practice? Shouldn't they be good at it by now? If you got in a cab and the driver drove backwards would he end up owing you money? Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight? What happens if you drive at the speed of light and turn your headlights on? If you throw a cat out your car window does it become kitty litter? Sean Fitzpatrick, but does Patrick fit Sean? If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented? Why do people in Alaska buy white cars? Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you're in France and you order toast, do you get toast or French toast? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how do they make it stick to the pan? If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? Why don't psychics predict the winning lottery numbers and retire? Who was the idiot that decided to put an "s" in the word lisp? Why is the word for "a fear of long words" so long? (Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia) Why is it that when the batteries in your remote control wear out you just push the buttons harder? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why don't they make the entire airplane out of the same material that the indestructible black box is made of? If you try to fail, and you fail, have you succeeded or failed? If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? Shouldn't the opposite of shut up be shut down? If I dreamed of being chased by a giant squirrel would that make me a nut? Why do people order a super-sized Big Mac� meal with a Diet Coke? Why do people have worthless junk in the garage and leave their expensive car in the driveway? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have? If the Better Business Bureau cheats you, whom do you complain to? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? How come there aren't B batteries? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer? How do you throw away a garbage can? How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it�s all about? Why does the arcade game "Donkey Kong" have a monkey? Why isn't it called Monkey Kong? How do people get discombobulated? Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated? If a rabbit's foot were actually lucky, wouldn't it still be attached to the rabbit's leg? Why does Goofy talk and wear clothes while Pluto barks naked? What if there were no hypothetical situations? Why does pizza come in a square box? What do chickens think we taste like? What hair color do they out on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who does the taste test? Why didn't Noah SWAT those two mosquitoes? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? |
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"They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!" "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." "The coffee machine is broken..." " ... in Jesus' name. Amen." |
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