Part three of the epic triology.- Warning, this is a very long page!
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
Des sat in silence by the hospital bed. Sheelagh�s figure was inert; the only movement was a slight lift and fall with her breath. He shook his head slightly, in bemusement. Had the last few days really happened? The surroundings spoke to say that all of it was true, but even that did little to enforce his belief. Patrick refused to see Sheelagh anymore. When he had gathered his emotions two nights before, he had left without a word, taking Declan with him. Siobhan still appeared each day when she could, and Declan had come a couple of times as well. The lad was young, and couldn�t really take it all in. Fintan, on the other hand, being the oldest of the three, understood fully; and took the side of his father; only seeing Sheelagh the once � to inform her of this fact. He had a touch of her temper, but was human enough not to be too cruel, given her condition.
The enormity of his situation hit Des. He had flirted with married women before, but never had one gone as far as to have more than a short fling with him: now he had �stolen� a wife and mother, as Fintan had so aptly put it. Not only that, but a wife and mother who had been sexually abused� and it was his fault. If he hadn�t asked her to join him in the warehouse, none of this would have happened. She wouldn�t be in the hospital bed beside him, living that night over again. Nor would she have left her husband. How was he going to help her get over this? Find the old Sheelagh inside, become alive again? And if they succeeded, would he lose her to Patrick once more? Des was full of doubts.
Darkness pervaded Sheelagh�s sleep with horror and blackness. She was screaming out loud, but no one heard. Her struggles were unseen by the figures in grey that surrounded her. Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future? Perhaps they were just ghosts. She saw her mother, as she was before the cancer had killed her, drained her body of its� living fluids. Her father appeared, the publican who had left her to bring up her many siblings; he who had expected her to become her mother � in every way. The younger kids forgetting themselves, and calling her �Mam� � Just like her own kids did now. Well, the two who wanted to know her. Her wedding in Dublin, quiet but joyful for those who attended�
�Your new husband
leads you toward a lawnful of ladies
under a shower of confetti. Darling,
you are their bride! How they love you!
A hundred ghosts are watching you
as you come up to the back door�
Memories of her past job as a nurse floated around; seeing people born, survive operations, die. She had shared in their lives. Hendon, and it�s strenuous training; the suburban cop shop where she had served as a PC� taking her Sergeants exams; joining Sun Hill. Des. He�d caught her eye on her first few days, his Scouse accent and humour immediately attracting her to him. He�d known that she�d noticed him, known that she knew this fact. Look where they were now. A false arrest by Debbie McAllister, an irresponsible search of a warehouse� and here she was. Scared and bruised emotionally, lying in a hospital bed. No longer beside her the loving husband who she had tried so hard to save from Debbie�s accusations, but the Scouse lad who, by rights, she should be hating at this moment. She couldn�t hate him though� his very being demanded love. The memories of her past and future were interrupted by visions of the attack. Once more she saw, felt the knife plunging into her, saw the blood dripping into the ground. Would she ever be able to purge those memories from the picture board that was her memory. Every time she saw them now, she was floating above her body, looking down into a bubble that encased her and her attacker. Her body shivered, sending the white sheets rumouring in the dark of the room, a ripple of cold air was forced to whistle by Des by the movement of her body.
Call my name and raise me from the dark
Bid my blood to run before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I�ve become.
�Shee?� He squeezed the hand that had not left his grasp for the last few hours. Her eyes opened for a flicker of a moment.
�What�s to become of me Des? Of us?� and then she was gone again, the thorazine that the doctors were still pumping her with flowing through her veins, affecting her brain, her body, her very life�s fragility.
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
She was a child again, the visions re-occurring once more. Playing on the lawn with that lovely lady whose looks she had stolen; standing by her bed as she faded away. Hidden in the coal cupboard as her relatives wailed the mourning at the wake. Her father�s expectations; she had to live up to them; prove herself. If she was really her mother�s daughter, she would do this� do that. Little had she known at the time that her mother would never have done such things. The Nuns in the abbey were good with her, knowing it was difficult at home. She still did well though, it was a way of proving herself to be an individual; not just her mother�s daughter.
You�ll complete me, right?
Then my life can finally begin.
I�ll be worthy, right?
The emptiness of Sheelagh�s soul was paining her; it gnawed at her chest as she slept, comatose from drugs. The pain was bruising, it stayed during her waking hours. She knew Des could fill it, but thanks to the doctors medication, she was still incapable of lengthy discussion on one topic. Her brain flashed from one random thought to another, one random memory to another. He didn�t know how to deal with this, so held her softly, lovingly, quietly. Let her talk, talk of her former life, of her history, of their life together as it should be. It was strange for him, he had matured a lot in the last few days. It looked as if this maturation might be permanent.
The next day, at around ten am, the two were sitting in silence; Sheelagh was barely awake, and Des wasn�t much better. It had been another bad night for Sheelagh, the visions had once again become too much for her, and she had woken up screaming. Gina Gold pushed the door open, holding a bunch of flowers and carrying some grapes. Des went to lift his hand away from Sheelagh�s, but she held on. There was no point in pretending that things were different.
�Sheelagh, Des.� The inspector acknowledged them both. She placed the grapes on the bedside table, with some slight distaste � Gina hated grapes, but never knew what to buy a patient. She set the flowers in Sheelagh�s arms, and leant in to kiss her cheek lightly. �How are you feeling?� Her voice may have been asking the question, but her eyes were staring at the united hands.
�Des love, could you get some water for the flowers?� Sheelagh knew what was coming, and thought she�d give the guy a respite. He nodded silently, and left the room with a vase. �They�re lovely, thank you ma�am.�
�It's Gina. What was that I saw?�
�What you think you saw. I�m divorcing Patrick. And yes, I do think it�s wise. I know it�s wise. I want to live my life for me.� Sheelagh knew how her superior would react.
�No disrespect, but he�s a gung ho PC, and you�re one of my best sergeants� are you really sure you know what you�re doing? It�s not just the after effects��
��of the attack? No, ma� Gina, it�s not. I�d considered it before now; before I transferred to Sun Hill. The last week has just exacerbated those thoughts.�
�Well�� Gina shrugged her shoulders. She didn�t want to pour negative thoughts on the lady in front of her, who truly was one of her best officers. �How are you going to work it in the station?�
�It�s happened before. If the worst comes to the worst, one of us transfers, but I doubt that will happen.� Sheelagh was optimistic about this, at least.
�Fair enough. The private life of my officers is none of my business.� Who was she kidding, thought Sheelagh with no little sarcasm, everyone knew Gina was a nosy so and so. �When do they let you out?�
�When do I come back to work?� Sheelagh returned with a slight laugh. �Next week sometime, according to the doctors. I�d prefer it sooner. I�m sick of this bed, this room, the food�� Gina nodded in sympathy.
�They�re incapable of palatable grub in hospitals� it goes with the territory! Give me a pub lunch any day.� Sheelagh grinned. Gina was not one for treating people like invalids, even when they were. �As for coming back to work, you�re on sick leave for two weeks starting the day you get out of here.�
�That long ma�am? Can I not come back earlier if I feel ok?�
�I strongly advise you not to, Sheelagh. I put you off for two weeks for a reason. You have the option to stay longer. I like my officers in full fighting fettle.� Gina gave a worried glace to the blonde, just as Des re-entered. �What say you Desmond?�
�What�s that?� Sheelagh replied, feeling more alive with the talking.
�Gina wants me to stay off two weeks after I get out of here. I�d rather go back the instant I feel fit to!� Des glanced at her, and cocked an eyebrow.
�D�ye think that�s wise? Don�t want you collapsing, Gemma style!� Gina nodded,
�My point exactly.� Sheelagh changed the subject.
�What�s been happening at the nick? Have they�have they charged him?�
�Charged and in custody� but we will need your statement. I�ve told Debbie that I�m taking it. I�m not letting her anywhere near you.�
�Thanks� Sheelagh smiled her appreciation. �When do you want the statement?�
�Now, tomorrow, whenever you feel ready to give it.� Gina spoke softly. It hurt her to think that one of her officers had been treated like this. �We spoke to the doctors a couple of days ago, so it�s only your version of events that we need.� Sheelagh nodded. Her version? How could she explain that? Her brain fused a wire. �I honestly don�t know that much ma�am. Not of the attack itself. What I do know� won�t� won�t�� she couldn�t finish, and reached for Des� hand.
When you only know that much,
and everything you need to know
is answered with one touch.
I wish I could remember,
but my selective memory
won�t let me.
�It�s ok� soothed Gina, slightly disturbed. It wasn�t that she was disturbed at how the attack had affected Sheelagh; it was the fact that she�d been through all that in the first place. Why did all the worst things happen to the best people? They just didn�t deserve it. �Des, are you ok to come back to work tomorrow? I can arrange more time off for you if necessary?� Gina did not like being so nice to Des Taviner of all people; but if he was really helping Sheelagh get over her experience, then she had to think of the sergeant above the PC. He glanced at Sheelagh, seeking a yea or nay from her. The brunette noticed his glance, and mentally shook her head again � Des Taviner, looking for confirmation from someone else, and a woman at that! Pigs would be flying soon. Sheelagh nodded slightly at Des, and added
�Can I have him for one more day?� Gina�s face took on a slight smile at Sheelagh�s way of expressing herself.
�I think it can be arranged.�
�Did she have to ask about the attack? It�s pure cheek! They�ve enough to hold him on, they don�t need your evidence just yet, why couldn�t she let you be�� Des was not in the best of moods with Gina Gold.
�Des, you�re ranting.� Sheelagh smiled slightly at him. �Some things never change, and I�m glad.� Des looked at her, slightly embarrassed. One thing Sheelagh�s newly admitted love for him had not done was cure his failure to be able to take a compliment, especially from her.
Two days later, and Des was trudging into Sun Hill, his face was a mask of darkness, and the rest of the relief had been lucky to get a nod out of him. Various random people had asked how he was, how Sheelagh was. He gave the same monosyllabic answers for both, and they backed off, realising he was not in the best humour. The cause being that Patrick�s solicitor had delivered the divorce papers. Sheelagh had been upset that he�d done that, for it was she who was divorcing him, not vice versa.
�Why were you off Des? You didn�t say anything.� His curiosity got the better of him.
�Needed some time away. Wasn�t too well.� The short answer should have warned Reg, but he ignored it.
�A long hangover then? Or was it a woman� I think it was a woman! That�s why you�re so gloomy. Who is she? Tell me�� He was in a hyper, chatty mood, and Des was not in the right frame of mind. He snarled at a passing driver who cut them up, and Reg shut up.
�We�re stopping at St Hughes Reg. You stay in the car.�
�Eh? Is it a nurse then�?�
�No! It�s not. Would y� give it a rest reggiebabe?� Des slammed the door, and stalked into the hospital. Reaching Sheelagh�s room, he paused before opening the door. He hoped she�d been ok, couldn�t bear the thought of her being alone and needing her. She was lying quietly, the TV on mute, some classic movie playing it�s way through time. Her blonde hair was spread out on the pillow like a halo.
�PC Taviner� what am I to do with you? You�re on duty!� She flashed an infectious smile at him.
�Just a bit of� special treatment, for a � special sergeant!� He replied, taking her hand, not noticing one brylcreamed Reg standing looking through the window.
�Get away with ye! not till refs! Ye don�t want Gina Gold telling one of us to transfer!�
�I�ll be back.�
�I know ye will. Ye�d better be, or it�ll be the handcuffs�� Des�s eyebrows shot into the air! Someone had chirped up considerably! He grinned.
�Is that a promise�Sarge?� She patted his chest as he leant down to kiss her goodbye. Reg had seen enough and scuttled back to the area car.
�Maybe it is, PC Taviner, maybe it is. You�ll know soon enough!� Des walked out with a spring in his step and a glint in his eye.
�Have fun?� A slightly breathless Reg chirped as Des got back in the driving seat.
�Oi Reggiebabe, what �av I told you? let it go!�
�I don�t know why you�re so secretive Des� is she married?� Reg was sly�
�Not anymore she ain�t. Would ye ever give it a rest?� Des was in a happier mood, but did not want to discuss his new found love with Reg, of all people.
�We should have stopped in with Sgt Murphy, when we were there. See how she is?� Reg really was pushing to find out more.
�We�re not on refs. She�d have given us a flea in the ear!� Des gave a slight smile, not unnoticed by the imp in the passenger seat.
�You wouldn�t normally mind that.� Des glared at Reg� he was too astute for the scouser�s liking.
Meanwhile, Sheelagh lay back in bed, and contemplated Des� visit� He was getting slightly back to normal, disobeying the rules. She was glad of that, didn�t want this changing his life as well as hers. For it had changed hers. She�d been violated in such a way that it would take years to get over it. She knew that much without any thought. It dawned on her that their relationship would require a sexual aspect sometime. He would understand for the first while if she didn�t want that; but it would be hard. �He�s a red blooded male� she sighed to herself, a slight smile still on her face� when he was gone, she drifted off to another waking reality. Life was different there, she�d always known him, not Patrick, and they�d never had the problem of being married to another. That was the good reality. Then there was the one that was black and cold, which she re lived all the worst moments of her life in. Sometimes she actually made herself stay in that reality, feeling that she deserved the pain, deserved the abuse.
Images flashed once more before her eyes. Rape, pillage, and plunder: not unlike the days of Viking warriors invading Ireland. The burning was metaphorical; it was giving vision to the burning pain within her. The sky was black with hatred and pain, it was like a heavy fog, clouding down upon her, compressing against her lungs. It forced the pain in her to surface and come together in one lump that attacked her in the most unlikely places: one minute her legs ached so much so that she couldn�t lift them, the next it was her arms� but it always came back to her heart. The pain in there just wouldn�t go, wouldn�t leave her to rebuild her life. She�d let herself be� raped. There, she�d said it - to herself, at least. She couldn�t face the word outright� it sounded so wrong, unfitting of her. Rape victims didn�t deserve what happened to them� surely she had deserved it? She�d been foolish, unwise, wasn�t this punishment? Was this God�s way of letting her know her wrongs? And so Sheelagh went over all her past sins, past misdemeanours.
�Mrs Murphy?� The name startled her. She would have to make people stop calling her that. Since the divorce papers from Patrick had come through, Sheelagh had no wish to be called in the name of her to be ex-husband. What could they call her? She�d need to discuss that with Des� She quite fancied being Mrs Taviner� but the church didn�t like re-marriage, anymore than it liked divorce� this was a point to be pondered on. �Mrs Murphy?� The voice insisted. She looked up into the eyes of a middle aged brunette. They smiled down slightly upon her. �I�m Dr Glennon, the psychologist��
�Oh�� Sheelagh thought hard for a moment� Glennon� oh yes, the other doctor had said something about her.
�I wondered if you�d like to talk?�
�I think �like� might be the wrong word�� Sheelagh looked wryly at the lady, who nodded.
�Standard protocol language I�m afraid. Do you want to talk?�
�Not particularly, but I think I probably should. Mind you, with all the rubbish they�re pumping into me��
�Not rubbish Mrs��
�Please, call me Sheelagh� I�d rather not hear that name again!�
��Sheelagh, it�s probably better you�re on the drugs at the moment� they null your feelings.� Sheelagh glanced at her disbelievingly.
�Pull the other one. The feelings are the one thing that are as clear as crystal and as cutting as a knife�� Too late she realised the pun she�d made, and gave another wry laugh. Dr Glennon looked at her and nodded.
�Tell me about it?�
�Where do I start? How do I start? It�s not something I understand inside my head, let alone in speech.� Sheelagh had never been in quite this position before. She�d been in a similar one to the doctors, and yes, she�d had to have the odd chat with a psych before, but never in this situation. She didn�t like it. She was the one who listened; not the one who was listened to. Her job demanded that, and Sheelagh was good at her job; she hoped.
�The nurse says you�ve been having nightmares?�
�Who wouldn�t?�
�Care to tell me about them?� The blonde sergeant grimaced. �Not particularly� was the answer she so very nearly came out with, but this was the woman�s job.
�I relive it all. I relive my life. I see the past, I feel the knife� I feel�� Tears. She wouldn�t cry� she couldn�t� she was.
And soon to be blinded by tears
I can stop the pain if I will it all away.
The psych handed her a tissue from beside her bed. Sheelagh took it gratefully; she did not like crying in front of others� that was not her job.
�Why do you relive your life? What aspects of it do you see? Did the attack make you think of something you had forgotten?� This female was too good. She wasn�t supposed to see that, realise it. Sheelagh was hasty to think of something she could say in response.
�It made me realise times I had gone wrong in life, things I didn�t do, that I should have done and vice versa.�
�But they�re done: you can�t change things Sheelagh, you have to live with them, learn how to cope with them.� Sheelagh glared at her.
�Try telling that to my now ex husband and the kids? Try telling them that actually, their mother regrets ever knowing their father; that she wishes she�d skipped a period of her life from before they were born to this very day. Do you have kids? Do you think you could tell them that? Well it�s hard, and I can�t do that to them. They don�t deserve it.�
�Did your husband abuse you?� The therapist looked worried. Sheelagh laughed harshly.
�Patrick was the most gentle, ineffectual man I have ever known. He wouldn�t hurt a fly. He wouldn�t know how to.� This was beginning to sound like the interview with Debbie McAllister, a week before.
�Did you argue?� Sheelagh rolled her eyes.
�This is not about my marriage and it�s break up; that has nothing to do with what put me in here� well, not in any great way. I�ve already had a DS at the station ask me the ins and outs of my dirty laundry, and you know what? I ended up belting her one, she annoyed me so much!� Sheelagh�s eyes gleamed with anger, and Dr Glennon got the message.
�Perhaps I should come back later?�
�Don�t bother. I have to live in the present, and nobody can make me do that but me.�
�Don�t say that� talking helps� (�Yeah, but not with you� thought Sheelagh with some disgust.) �I�ll call with you again, or you could see another therapist?�
�Honestly, it�s not worth it.� She turned over slightly, wincing at the pain of her stomach. The Dr took it as her order to leave, and shook her head.
Sheelagh glared at the side of the bedside cabinet. Why was she being asked about her marriage again? What was it with other women and the ins and outs of her private live? Why couldn�t they just do their jobs and leave her out of it. The only person Sheelagh wanted to talk to was Des. A piece of paper on the table caught her eye�Patrick�s divorce papers. Bastard. He knew that she was divorcing him. He was not the one to serve her with divorce papers. She scowled deeper. Trying to reach them without sitting up, Sheelagh tugged on one of the cuts that didn�t have stitches in it. An idea came to her�her mental pain wouldn�t go away, but when she felt the knife plunge into her in her visions, it lessened. Lifting her night shirt up, she stared at the bandage on her arm, and started to unwind it. She knew this was wrong, knew she shouldn�t be doing this to herself, or Des� but she couldn�t stop. Not understanding, but not strong enough to stop, Sheelagh placed the bandage on the bed, and pulled at the cut, stretched it till blood started to seep through�
Des walked through the corridors of St Hughes at the end of the day. He was beginning to calm down, slowly. Reg had been doing his head in all day, for all the bloke was a good friend. Thank god for the end of shift� soon he�d see her again. God, he hoped she was ok, that she�d coped without him. He knew she�d been in a good mood when he�d sneaked in earlier, but that was then� and he knew all to well that a few hours changed anything with her at the moment.
Pushing open the door, Des glanced to the bed. Sheelagh was as curled up as her stitched body would allow her to be, facing the wall. Her very demeanour spoke for her emotions.
�Love?� He queried, walking softly across the room. Her head moved slightly.
�I�m sorry Des�� He spotted the red patch on the bed.
Sheelagh�s pillow was wet with tears as Des took her hand. He stared at her, into her, searching her eyes. There were glimpses of confusion, bewilderment and fear written in his face.
�I�I�� He put a finger to her lips.
�Let�s get this cleaned up first.� He dabbed a hanky into the water jug, and cleaned away the blood stains on her arm, showing the cut where she had opened it. Picking up the bandage from where it had fallen on her removal of it, he rewound it round the fragile arm. When that was done, he sat beside her on the bed, covering up the bloodstain, holding both hands.
�What happened?� She looked at him, confused and sad.
�I don�t know love� I found meself doing it� I� I couldn�t stop. It�numbed the pain.� She shook her head, more tears falling on her admission.
�Was it another vision?�
�That�s the thing Des! I�d been doing quite well� up �til the psychologist came to see me� she� she annoyed me; upset me.� Des could tell that she still didn�t understand her actions.
�That�s it. I�m phoning Gina Gold. I need to be here with you. You need me.� Sheelagh gave a sad smile, knowing that his presence would indeed stop her, but that on her own, she was not to be trusted.
�How much leave will you have left at the end of this, eh? Are you sure it�s worth it?� ever the voice of conscience.
�You know it is. Who cares what leave I have left. This is important.� The lady in front of him gave a slight shake of her head, and flashed a quick, sweet grin. The grin he loved� the one that he�d fallen for. He bent in to kiss her softly, loving the feeling of her lips. She kissed back, only pausing to ask
�Sit here beside me?� Des changed positions, so that he could hold her gently in one arm, and she lay her head on his shoulder. �They keep calling me Mrs Murphy, Des. I hate it� I don�t want to hear that name� Can you tell Insp�Gina that I want to be known by me maiden name, Maguire again, when I come back?�
�Sure. Although��
�Yes?�
�Nothin��
�Tell me�� Des sighed.
�I� I dunno that this is the time or place�but�� She looked at him in apprehension. �I�d�would you� could you� be�� he looked at her appealingly, unable to phrase his question.
�I�d love to be, Des. If the Church will allow it.� Sheelagh�s faith still rated highly with her; although she didn�t know why. �I want to be Mrs� Taviner.� Even saying the name gave her a slight thrill, put a smile on her face: which was noted by des. �Are you sure� that you would want that?� Even though he�d asked, she still felt unsure, perhaps he was doing what he thought was best?
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful,
So unloved for someone so fine.
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting,
So ignorant for someone of sound mind.
�I�m sure if you are?� He glanced at her, his eyes looking deep into her. Those eyes, those mesmerising eyes. She�d noticed them on her first proper days work with him, when they were out on a shout. You could feel them across the room, beating into you, into your heart, into your soul. They�d scared her at first; she didn�t like to think that someone could do that; but now it was a grace: useful for her. She didn�t have to talk, he knew her by heart.
How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core,
Where I�ve become so numb, without a soul.
�I�m sure. Can�can it be soon? I�want the security� of knowing I�m safe.�
�You are safe, Shee� you�ll always be safe with me.� Des meant every word of it, although he couldn�t believe he was saying these things to a woman. Was this him? He knew it was, knew he could say nothing else to her: for it was true; but still, even he had noticed his character change!
A week and a half later, the hospital had finally released Sheelagh to be looked after by Des. There would be a district nurse who would come and check on her each day, and in a weeks time, she was to go back for her stitches to come out, but finally, she was free! There was no need to decide where she�d go � Sheelagh had promptly moved into Des� bachelor flat. She appraised it on first entrance, and planned how she would re-decorate it during her time off. Anything to keep her busy. Keep her from thinking of the attack and its repercussions. Gina Gold had taken her statement; and thereby finalised the charges on her attacker. The case would come to court in a month or so�s time. Meanwhile he�d been taken to Broadmoor, far away from her. Des had found a good divorce solicitor, and she�d served the papers to Patrick, in retaliation for his actions while she was still in hospital. In short, things seemed to be going well.
�And that�s the last of it, Mam.� Siobhan smiled at her mother over the large cardboard box she�d just hefted in from her car. She�d been a rock, had Siobhan, thought Sheelagh with a smile.
�Thanks love, I appreciate it.� Which she certainly did. She�d no wish to go traipsing round to her old house to pack her bags. It was too full of old memories she�d rather forget. Not to mention that the doctor had ordered her not to exert herself!
�Ach, it�s no problem mum, couldn�t have ye busting those stitches now, could we? Can I have a cup of tea before I help you unpack? I�m parched!�
��Course ye can love, you�ve earned it! Go into the lounge, I�ll fix it up.�
�You sure?�
�Of course I am! I�m not totally helpless� I hope!� She added as an afterthought.
Siobhan made herself comfy on the three man couch and stared around at her surroundings. It was clearly a blokes pad; footy magazines on the floor, a collection of old �The Sun�s and some empty beer cans; not to mention the full ashtrays! Her mum appeared with two steaming mugs of tea.
�Thanks Mam. I see Des is a �real man� then?� She pointed at the beer and papers.
�Oh yes. I�d figured that the first day I worked with him� How his character�s changed! I hope it�s not all permanent��
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
�You do love him, don�t you mam?� Siobhan looked carefully at her mother, noticing how the ladies eyes had altered at the mention of her beau.
�Yeah. I do. It took me awhile to realise it, and figure it wasn�t just lust, but yes. I do. I love his good sides, his bad sides� the person I am with him. He�s a man Siobhan. A real man. I don�t mean that badly against your da� but��
�But Da is a wimp. I know.� Siobhan rolled her eyes. Des Taviner reminded her of her own boyfriend.
�What�s more, he cares for me. I don�t have to be his mother figure, and he still pays some attention to me.� Siobhan nodded, understanding her mother completely.
They sat chatting for an hour or so, until Siobhan realised she had a lecture to go to. Given the amount of them she�d missed in the past two weeks, she really felt she had to go to it � as did Sheelagh when she heard.
�I�d rather stay with you, but��
�Go on with ye, love. Ye can�t jeopardise your degree because of me!�
�It�s been great chatting though mam. I�ve enjoyed catching up � I hardly saw ye these last few months.� Sheelagh nodded, she�d always been making excuses to stay at work, away from home, recently. Siobhan left after a hug, and a warning to �look after yourself mam!�
Sheelagh trudged back into the sitting room. She felt deflated now she was alone. She�d much rather be at work, around people. There was the TV, but Sheelagh had never been one to watch TV. She glanced at the magazine lying on the floor. It was out of date, but maybe held some small clue as to what was on. Not much, by the look of things. Daytime television had got considerably worse these last few years. What was that packet on top of the TV though? She picked it up. Marlboro Reds. Cigarettes. Of course! Des smoked. Sure, the filled ashtrays were an indication of that. She herself had never smoked. Sure, it had never even crossed her mind. Would she take one? She knew the risks � apart from anything else, they were written on the packet; glaring up at her. Not to mention that in her years as a nurse, she�d seen many cases of lung cancer come and go. Go generally in body bags. Was there any point? The red and white pattern blurred under her concentrated stare. No. �Why bother?� She decided, turning to pick up the ashtrays to wash with everything else. Before going into the kitchen, she switched the CD player on, and to her surprise found a mix of �Women�s Voices� playing. It had Frances Black, Celine Dion, Anastacia and more. Very unlike Des�but the man was full of surprises! Beside the player were more CDs, randomly in their cases, or lying about. The majority of his tastes seemed to centre around a good guitarist, and Sheelagh put on the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, reckoning them to be more lively than Celiene Dion!
In the kitchen, Sheelagh watched the bubbles foam as she filled the washing up bowl. They were soft and light, unlike her heart. There was an effervescent glow to them that enthralled her, once again, Sheelagh found herself staring. She narrowly avoided the dishwater flooding over on to the floor. Dipping her hand into the boiling water, Sheelagh�s fingers found something sharp. Bringing it to the surface, she saw the vegetable knife amidst a slight thread of red, as the blood from the accidental nick spread through the water. She stared at the knife in consternation, like she had the cigarettes; debating its merits.
When times are bad
When the day comes
And you�re down
In a river of trouble
And about to drown
Sheelagh gave a start! How long had she been standing there, holding that knife? The dish water was luke warm, the bubbles had faded like a dream on wakening. She shook herself lightly and searched her arms for cuts; she could have done anything in that daze, and not realised. No, her arms had no new injuries. Thank God. A feeling of dark despair came over the blonde, as she considered the knife once more. The door clicked.
Don�t need to worry
�Cause I�m here.
No need to suffer, baby
�Cause I�m here.
�Shee?� Des called out as he walked into the kitchen. Finding her facing the sink, he put his arms around her gently, and drew her close to him. �How was your day love?�
�Where would I be without you Des?� There was no hint of sarcasm in the remark. Her head turned to smile up at him. �An angelic smile� Des thought, as he kissed the top of her head. Catching sight of the knife, he removed it gently from her hands.
�There�s no need to that, Sheelagh. I�m here now.� She smiled ay him again.
�Des Taviner. My hero.�
When I�m feeling weak
You give me wings
When the fire has no heat
You light it up again.
She turned to lean her head on his shoulder. Des smiled, as he stared down at the long blond hair falling over her shoulders. He lead her into the sitting room.
�Thank you Des.�
�For what?� Even though he knew deep inside of him, Des still had to ask.
�For everything. I couldn�t�couldn�t have survived the last three weeks if it wasn�t for you.� She stroked his chest lovingly.
�I love you Sheelagh. I� well, I�m not one with the words, but� I�d do anything for you.� Sheelagh smiled softly up at him.
�I love you too Des, I�m just� so lucky to have found you when I did.� Des shook his head slightly. It was not that he did not believe her, but that he could not believe how the attack had affected her attitude towards him. Before it, she had probably favoured him with some distaste, given the way he�d treated her.
�You stay here, I�ll fix up some tea for us.� He left her on the couch as he went into the kitchen. Sheelagh curled up and switched on the TV. Flicking through the satellite channels, she found Buffy The Vampire Slayer on Sky 1. It was a program Siobhan loved, and Sheelagh had seen the odd episode when she�d actually been at home. Everything was different though, she stared at the screen in consternation. Buffy had died? Joyce, her mother, was dead? Where was Giles? She knew the names from Siobhan�s ramblings about the show, not to mention the posters on her girl�s walls! Something on the screen caught her attention� Spike, the vampire, seemed to be attacking Buffy. In her own bathroom� how could that be? Surely he couldn�t hurt her because of the chip implanted in his brain? Her eyes glazed over as she watched the bleach blonde vamp try to rape the slayer. Tears fell on her cheeks, and as the numbing pain within her became too much, Sheelagh started to shake convulsively. Fumbling, she managed to turn the TV off. At the sound of silence, Des stuck his head round the door.
Cool I am, when I am with you.
Cool I�m not when I�m alone.
Sorry�
Nobodies perfect, nobodies perfect.
What did you expect? I�m doing my best.
Seeing his beau curled up and shaking, he came in, and knelt beside her on the floor.
�Shee? What�s the matter? What happened?� he looked at her in no little consternation. She shook herself, and looked at him.
�It was that TV program� Buffy. He�the vampire� Spike, was trying to�to�ra�� She broke off, unable to stem the flow of tears. Des stared, shocked by the reaction the TV had brought out in her. He wasn�t used to dealing with victims of attacks after they�d given statements, let alone rape victims. Sitting himself up beside her on the couch, he folded her into his arms, stroking her back and neck, as they heaved beneath his fingers.
�Des, I don�t know if I can cope� I feel so lost, so�changed�� She struggled with the words, not used to admitting her feelings. Not used to having someone to care for her.
�Yes, you can Sheelagh. I�m going to help you. You�re� we�re going to get through this. Together.� The words offered strength to the woman in his arms. She shook herself once more, and looked up into his eyes.
�Thank you Des.� It was quiet, but full of the knowledge that, together, they could get through the ordeal. The timer on the cooker went off. Des got up, placed a kiss on her head, and headed for the kitchen. Sheelagh sat up and straightened her hair. Who would have thought it of Des? The hard man who never showed emotions or caring for anyone.
In a minute he was back, with a tray, which he sat on the table in front of her. A steaming bowl of Irish stew awaited her, but before Sheelagh could take in the fact that he�d made it, Des took a small package off the tray.
�I�I got this for you today� I thought you might like it.� He looked quite worried as he opened the box to reveal a solitaire diamond ring. Sheelagh stared.
�Is�that what I think it is?� A smile spread across her face.
�S�pose I�d better do this properly�� Des got down on one knee. �Sheelagh�could you marry me?� He looked up at her, to see a huge grin spreading across her face.
�Yes, Des� Yes, I can, and I will.� He slid the ring onto her finger, it fitted perfectly. She pulled him up to the couch, and kissed him, tenderly, lovingly. She held her hand up to the light, entranced by the way the light played with the gem.
�Always and forever.� Des whispered softly, as if to himself, before going into the kitchen to get his own tea.
Sheelagh returned to work at the end of the month, on light duties. This fact annoyed her somewhat. She did not appreciate being in CAD or Custody non stop. By now, all the relief knew about the relationship between her and Des, and many of the women had asked to see the ring, cooing over it�s beauty. The blokes, meanwhile, took the piss out of Des, the man they thought would remain a bachelor for all of his days. Reg, especially talked about it non stop. He was a little annoyed that Des had said nothing that day in the area car.
�Why didn�t you tell me Des? I would have kept it a secret if you�d wanted! Don�t you trust me?� Des shook his head in slight amusement.
��Course I trust ye, Reggiebabe. I just wanted to keep it to meself. Nobody knew, except for the inspector. She only knew because she�d caught us holding hands.� Reg smirked, and replied
�Well, I guessed something was up. I knew it was someone, and I figured it was her quite quickly, actually.� Des snorted, behind the wheel of the area car.
�Yeah, yeah, Reggiebabe, pull the other one. It has bells on an� all.�
�I did know. And I was right.� His tone made Des turn and stare at him.
�How did ye know?� Was I that obvious? Reg grinned with satisfaction.
�I told you I had powers. I can tell things, sense things. I just knew.� His tone was a little too cocky for Des to believe.
�Now that is bollocks. How�d ye find out Reggiebabe? Did the inspector tell you?� Reg gave it up as a bad game.
�Ok then. I saw you in the St Hughes, that day you left me in the area car.� The area car ground to a halt.
�You followed me? Into the hospital?� Although Des was annoyed, he couldn�t help but laugh. �Reg, you�re nuts. You know that? Yer nuts, and you�re also the station nosy parker.�
�I have my merits.� Reg grinned; relieved to see he had not offended his mate. �You know, I think�� Des tuned out, not wishing to listen to Reg�s ramblings on the absurdity of life etc.
�There is something you can do to make it up though Reg�� A cunning idea had come into his head.
The end of the shift had come at last, and Sheelagh breathed a sigh of relief as she changed into her jeans and a rather nice top that she�d purloined from Siobhan. Her engagement had indeed given her a new lease of life: all the officers were commenting on it, how she glowed, how well she looked�considering� and they would break off, unsure how to continue without digging their hole even deeper. She smiled. With Des� help, her confidence was coming back, her self loathing was dispersing fast. She thanked God for him every day, as his presence helped her through. Walking out of the ladies locker rooms, she felt his arms slide around her.
��Coming to the pub love? I promised the relief I�d bring you� and I can�t disappoint them now, can I?� Sheelagh smiled, and gave a quiet laugh.
�I think I can be persuaded, PC Taviner. You can make it up to me later.� She winked, and a grin spread over Des� face. He hadn�t expected it to be so easy to talk her into joining them. Truth be told, he�d been doing a little bit of organising when her back was turned. Walking hand in hand along the street to the King�s head, they made the perfect couple. They even had one old lady smile at them, surprised to see a happy pair in Sun Hill. Des pushed open the door to the pub lounge.
�SURPRISE!!!!�
The room had been decorated, with balloons and banners� some read �Welcome back�, others �Happy Engagement�. Everyone was there, from the Super, Adam Okaro, down to the probationers on X relief, who Sheelagh vaguely knew. Honey Harman danced over and presented them with a huge cup to drink from, and as they downed the beer together, the whole room cheered.
Wiping her lips, Sheelagh grinned at everyone, she felt so happy, so alive.
�Thanks everyone� I� oh I don�t know what to say, but Thank You!� Behind her, Des started the cheers,
�Hip hip!�
�Horray!� The whole room reverberated with the sound. In the background, Reg could be seen fiddling at the disc jockey�s table� and the music started to play.
For all those times you stood by me,
For all the truth you made me see,
For all the joy you brought to my life,
For all the wrong that you made right;
For every dream you made come true,
For all the love I found in you,
I�ll be forever thankful baby:
You�re the one that held me up,
Never let me fall.
You�re the one who saw me through it all.
Sheelagh smiled up at Des, and held her hands out to him. Taking them, Des led her into the middle of the room, and as the main lights faded, and the coloured disco ones came up; they danced.
You gave me wings to make me fly
You touched my hand,
I could touch the sky
I lost my faith
you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
Your stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love, I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much it true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
Your were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining
Your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place
Because of you
You were my strenth when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
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