For Queer Mice
by BROWWWSER
The Secret's Out!
lthough there's useful things on the World
Wide Web, like reserving airline tickets, getting travel info, and educational sites, the
secret's finally out that the Internet is the biggest waste of time on the planet. When's
the last time you did anything useful on the web? Sure, you dropped by the Human Rights
Campaign website, just before wasting an hour at the Really Big Button That Doesn't Do
Anything. Admit it! If we spent more time doing quality net surfing instead of naked GIF
browsing, cybersex chatting, and egosurfing (surfing the net for mentions of your name),
we could get some serious stuff done. Yeah, and Madonna will win an Oscar, too!
Believe me, I'm not adopting a Holier Than Though attitude. There's nothing I like
better than finding a creative, wacky, bizarre, and totally useless site. And there's some
strange shit out there. For the April Fools issue I thought I'd round up some links that
will make you wonder "Is this for real?" But there's a catch: one of these links
and/or descriptions isn't quite real. Can you figure out which one it is? There's a prize
for the first one who guesses right. Really!
Over one million people have visited the Rectal Foreign Bodies page at http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html.
In precise medical terminology you can read excerpts of medical magazines, case reports,
and see a few x-rays about items that people have shoved up their butts. Truly a site
that'll make you squirm. There are a few bogus items reported (like the Barbie doll
x-ray), but you'll be amazed at the number of objects that have mysteriously found their
way into the nether regions. They also have links to butt-related sites like the Chronicles of Mistybutt at http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/mistybutt.html.
Don't ask, don't tell.
What would you do if a 45 ft. 8-ton whale washed up dead on your beach? If you're the
state of Oregon, you'd decide to blow it up with half a ton of dynamite and make a show of
it. You won't believe your eyes and ears at the Infamous
Exploding Whale site. Download the 11MB Quicktime movie of the whole event as
captured by a news cameraman. Hear as the cries of "Yea!" and "Whee!"
turn into "Oh my god, it's..." and various cries of terror at http://www.xmission.com/~grue/whale/. And
you thought you've done some dumb things in your life!
The Mystical Smoking Head of 'Bob' will answer your
yes or no questions at http://www.resort.com/~banshee/Misc/8ball/index.html.
He's kinda sexy with the slicked- back hair, jaunty pipe, and third eyeball. When I asked
"Will I become rich and famous?" He said "Yes Definitely." When I
asked "Will this column do it?" He said "My reply is no." Astounding!
Or try the Oracle of the Plywood Elvis who started as
a holiday lawn ornament at http://www.alpinet.net/~clarity/plywood/
or the Toaster Oracle at http://www.ruffwork.com/projects/toaster/toaster.htm.
Really!
Think your gaydar isn't working
like it used to? Test it at Gay or Eurotrash? where
you view a picture of a hot guy and guess if he's family or just a better-than-average
dresser. Then see if Richard, Bryan, and Huphtur agree with you and read their bitchy
comments! It's not exactly PC, but try it at your next queer party at http://www.youth.org/zines/blair/blair3/gaydar/euro.html.
Ladies, don't feel left out! Now you can try your luck at Lesbian
or German Lady? with your special host Martina Navratilova (who's both)! It's
new from the Blair gang at http://www.youth.org/zines/blair/blair4/dyke/.
The biggest question at The Loser Living Upstairs
is who's the biggest loser? Read some schmuck's DAILY whines about the habits of the guy
who lives above him, right down to the times he uses the phone, the bathroom, and the
shower, not to mention the homophobic comments of "Vaseline party", CircJerk,
and doing "spoons" at http://www.calpoly.edu/~ttokuuke/loser.html.
Who would waste all their time doing this? Read his own story at The
Life and Times of a 41-Year Old Virgin at http://www.calpoly.edu/~ttokuuke/virgin1.html.
Scary!
What do you get when a horny
gay guy creates those 3D stereograms that were popular a few years ago and posts them on
the web? You get the 3D Hunk Web Server at http://cvs.anu.edu.au/andy/rid/riddle.html.
Stare at your monitor screen for five minutes or so and these hunks seem to jump out at
you! It'll either give you a hard-on or a headache. And for those of you running Netscape,
press CTRL+ALT+F (or CTRL+OPTION+F for Mac). Surprise! You're at the Amazing Fish Cam at http://home.netscape.com/fishcam/fishcam.html,
where a Netscape employee with too much time on his hands set up a camera behind his fish
tank. I wish I had a job like that!
If you need even more links to keep you uselessly occupied, visit the Centre for the Easily Amused at http://www.amused.com.
Their ultimate guide to wasting time will keep you busy doing nothing for days. And that's
the true purpose of the web. Really!
