The Topic Of The Week

For me, I would love to get married at some point in the fututre. Being Gay means that I can currently only get legally married in Idaho and Vermont. Nevertheless, It is something that I have wanted in my life. As for does marriage have a place in the 21'st Century, I feel it does. I feel that society as a whole needs to make a broader definition of marriage to include any long term, committed and monogamous relationship within reason (somehow), no matter of the partners involved. There are some cultural and moral standards that need to be upheld, such as people that are too young, and the like, but I feel that we need to make allowances for the 21'st century's changing family structure. This world is no longer like "Leave it to Beaver", and thus the definitions ot Family and Marriage need to change with the times. But as a whole (getting back on topic), I feel that the institution of marriage, a recognized relationship between two consenting adults who love each other, and want to make a public profession of their love and their committment to one another, is even more valid and sacred today than it ever has been. With so many people not choosing to marry, or having open relationships, I feel that if two people want to commit theirsolves to one another, and want to demonstrate that publically should be celebrated as a rare treasure, and thus making marriage more meaningful and beautiful than it ever has been.

~DizzyQueen~

Dear Bahb,
As you know, have been officially for 5 years, living together for 13. Marriage is back in style, at least here in the craddle of Republicanism (OC). Seems like DINK-deCaf (without the licence) is "been there done that" and now DI2.5K is all the rave!

--A

don't see myself "remarrying" due to NOT knowing how men really are previously! So, answer to that.....FUUUUUUCK NO, and 21st century....even FUNNIER...(men still won't have a clue...sorry)

--Shea

...Ahhh, such a poignant question! I, of course, don't have all the answers...but I will, of course, offer my meager opinion.
Being the product of a 35 year union (yes, my parent's ARE still married), I still can't honestly say that their happiness and strength have trickled down to me. Being somewhat bitter and maligned where love is concerned, my outlook on marriage, in the last few years, has been one of disbelief and, at the same time, wonder. Most of this comes from my predisposition to believe that "Love is Cupid's Error" (the slippery title of one of my paintings); in that it always seems to end on a sour and upending note and that there really never is that "happily ever after..." That does not belie the fact that we might want that...it just never seems to come to fruition. And yet people continue to get married...the smiles and the lace, and the happy couple running from the rice that will eventually kill the birds.
So I guess my answer is two-fold: yes, I want what I don't have...and, at the same time, with a 50% divorce rate (or more), I doubt the lasting longevity of it, especially with the impatience of Americans in general. Until then, I guess I'll wait for someone to prove me wrong (which will be a cold day in hell, from my previous experiences...yes, I'm bitter...sue me).

--Kleo

I am getting married in five months. Does that answer the question?

--FaziBear

Alrighty, since I submitted this question, I suppose I should submit an answer. I asked because I am struggling with my own marriage. When I got married a decade ago, I was a kid, and getting married seemed like THE thing to do. I spent 7 years as the perfectly submissive wife-and-mom, staying home with my kids, being frugal and resourceful, THE woman behind the successful man, being RUN by that man like an employee. And then the time came when he decided I needed to get a job. So I did. I gained something marriage had taken from me - friends, peers, a glimpse of everything I'd left behind. Now I have become cynical. Newly-weds sit and ponder the belief that THEIR LOVE IS DIFFERENT, saying "We'll never part, we will not be a statistic, we will survive." But what happens around year seven, or eight, or even three, that changes that? What snaps? What sneaks in and tweaks things? I thought I had it all, and now I see what all I did not have. I want those things now. Are two people really meant to be together forever? Forsake all others? Are we sure? I'm not....

--Some Chick.

Funny that this theme is the topic of the week--I've actually been thinking a lot about this issue as more and more of my close friends are making the plunge. I honestly don't know if I'll get married. Not so much because I don't want to, but because I'm questioning whether two people can really commit to one another for life without straying. I do believe it is possible for some....but I think they are in the minority. Part of me still clings to the romanticized version of what marriage should look like, but I think bottom line it's a gamble. There is no way to predict the future and what it holds. I do think that as we continue to evolve as a society, people will wait longer before deciding to marry. Who knows the kind of implications that might have on what marriage looks like in the 21st century?

--S

Brotherman...
Being already married, I'm coming at this topic backwards...with hindsight, and I'm also talking completely out of my ass.
People today don't stay married for two main reasons:
1. they have too many choices; and
2. they're lazy.
We're no longer limited to finding a mate in our own respective bubbles. We travel more, we know more people, we play harder, we're not limited to fraternizing within our own social class...hell we're not even limited to a specific gender. All of these choices first cause us to find it very dificult to narrow down exactly who is meant to be the 'one', and second cause us to continually doubt that we've found them once we actually get hitched. We're spoiled, and we're conditioned my media to believe that there is a 'one true love' and that once we meet that person we'll know with 100% certainty that they're the one. So in real life the jury will always be coming back in with a reasonable doubt. As long as a person is constantly wondering if there's something better out there, then that person will always be ready to leave...which brngs me to the laziness.
A relationship is hard...any relationship. In order to make it successful you have to work at it. I know this is not news to anyone, but how may of us, even *knowing* that, still choose the easy way out sometimes? I do. Often. We're given the impression that it's okay to give up...and God forbid any of us should ever be accountable for anything. To answer the question: Yes, I do believe that marriage will have a place in the 21st century, but I honestly do not see it getting any more permanent than it is right now. Not for most of us anyway...

~Lady Waive the Cynic

Wish I knew Bob. There's alot going for marriage, but then again once in a while it's nice to come home at the end of a long day at work to a quiet house and just sit there and let the tv corrupt my mind. Life could be worse I guess. I could be married to the character on Allie McBeal. That would be a 357 marriage. Do I shoot her on the 3rd day, the 5th day or the 7th day of the honeymoon?
I really don't think about marriage as much as I do having fun with the girls I do go out with. If things work out for a long term relationship which includes marriage, fine. If not, remember, when we're done here and we're sittin' on a cloud drinking Jack Daniels all night (because as we all know angels can't get drunk). There's many a story to tell about the times we spent on a cold little rock, in a cramped little biological shell, doing what we do thinking that the whole universe revolves around us and what we did to prove it.

--Shawn

Two different questions...
A) I do hope to marry, not sure if it will happen..that whole "partner" deal has proved difficult to resolve up to this point.
B) The idealist in me hopes that there is still a place where two people can share the beauty of themselves in the wonderful haven that a committed relationship can provide.
The realist in me says no fucking way...I mean are you shitting me?
Outside of small freakish communes of hippies, the armed forces (and members of this somewhat radical "fringe" group), values like commitment, loyalty and honor are difficult to locate. In my opinion these and the ability to communicate are all precursors to the big "M" (or at least a successful one). More importantly, I feel that relationships like everything else in our time have become disposable, as it's much easier to toss something than it is keep it up so it continues to work just like the the day it was bought (WOW! Now that sounded really crappy...marriage...bought...nevermind). I also feel that a bigger issue has to deal with the relative degree to which we as humans are honest enough with ourselves to let our true feelings be revealed to our partners. I see an awful lot of "safety" in the world today. I feel that people are afraid of getting hurt and to avoid this possible rejection will often cloister their true selves away from their mates. Ironically though, they will reveal this part of themselves to friends and family (knowing that they will never leave them with a mortgage and kids). I also know a lot couples that are working courageously to make their relationships work, but unfortunately I feel they are in the minority.
I find it sad that this is the case...*sighs*, but oh well...it's late and I'm rambling. To close
A wise man once said "If it works for you than go ahead and use it; and if it doesn't, then you may not want to use it".
Such is the case with Marriage.

Greetings Rox,
Interesting and provocative TOTW. Of course as you know I got married at nearly the close of the 20th century and I must admit my opinion of marriage is an old fashioned one. I truly believe that thanks to the morals and beliefs my parents instilled in me-of which can be summed up as being the "golden rule"-my life and my marriage are richer. Is there a place for marriage in the 21st century? I certainly hope so. I wish that all people have the opportunity to establish and maintain the wonderful gift of a happy marriage like my own. It is my belief that the presence of marriage in today's culture allows people to develope a united front when facing the challenges as well as joys this world has to offer. For me marriage has been a strengthening and character building experience that I would like to see more people enjoy.
Best wishes to you, peace and joy.

--TJ

bahb...
good question! hell yes, there is a place for marriage in the 21st and on, but it takes a ton of commitment and even more work. it's going on 17 yrs for us, and i love her more today than i did yesterday ...not sap, the truth... has it been a carnival ride, nope not always, but when we started out, we made the commitment that we would stick to it, you know, the whole "death do us part" thing. we truly believe that we were and are meant to be together, that we are the two for each other, and that we will do this to the end. we used to get into some intense discussions, esp. around that "7 year itch" time, how can we be sure, what keeps me from leaving like her dad did, blah, blah, blah, but damn, we worked through it...and it is work....we have become so much a throwaway society in what we value, there are too many that don't want to work it
it's all about commitment, we think it's worth all the effort...and so do our kids
late,

--the white guy

ps...bahb, i just now read your response, you must have been on decaf or something....what the hell was that?

I'm piping up a bit late on this weeks topic but here it goes... I just read through the responses to date so maybe they will affect the way I answer in some way, but what the hell. I agree completely with Rox when he pointed out, "If it works for you, use it". I don't think it's anyone's place to say if there is a "place" for it these days. If there is a place for it in your life; do it. If not, don't. I also believe that aside from the religious, moral or personal reasons people get married it is a commitment recognized by the government and therefore should be free from the outdated notions that two people of the same sex can't make that commitment. I love this country we live in, but the hypocrisy of our government is amazing. They are charged with defending peoples rights and freedoms and generally do a decent job doing so, yet the government itself doesn't promote those freedoms on so many fronts. Why so much of society is so frightened of same sex marriages I don't understand. Well, I have some theories but I won't get into that now. (Damn, if all of my friends knew I was such a closet liberal.) I was recently asked by a coworker about marriage and had to reflect for a few minutes. I came to a quick conclusion that marriage is good for me. I have made plenty of mistakes in my almost 14 years of marriage, as I'm sure my wife has, but it has been worth the effort. I am lucky that my wife and I are such good friends. I can't imagine any union lasting any length of time if that is not the case. Marriage works for me. It's not always easy, it's not always fun, it's not always happy but it's worth the effort. When I've had a horribly shitty day and I am sure that I'm coming home to a woman who will listen, understand and comfort me without judging me, it is worth all of the effort that has gone into it.

--some sappy married dude

Bahb,
KEEP NAPSTER FREE for Christ's sakes!!!!
We get charged out the ass for everything else!!!!(including to just to GET TO fucking Napster!!!!!! Keep ONE thing real.............the free tunes!!!!

--Shea

Hey Bahb -
Leave Napster alone. It works fine, and I really don't think it is hurting anyone. People will still buy cd's, musicians will still make money, and I don't see any reason to end a good thing.

- Some Chick

I think everyone really sux if they take this whole free music sharing thing, whatever the hell it is away...who cares what other people think...we're all gonna die anyways, and people do say, "I hope you die happy." Well, if people are gonna die, and free music lets you be happy, let us all die with Napster being free...No one's gonna pay like $15 for a song that you can keep on your computer...People are gonna use that $15 to go out and just buy the entire CD at where ever.....This place sux. I don't care what the hell they do with it, all I know is that if YOU gotta start paying, it's gonna go nowhere.

--Chary Vang

Dear Bahb,
I don't get what the big deal with it is. It hasn't decreased the amount of music I buy. On the contrary, I have bought stuff BECAUSE I previewed it in MP3.
"But Amado, if you download the only song on the CD you like, you have no incentive to buy it." That's because the rest of it is CRAP!
If the one hit wonders of the world have to rely on the revenue from that "one cool song on the CD" to make the Porsche payments, then maybe they should go fucking broke!

--Amado

I am a Napster junkie. Realistically speaking, I could not afford to buy all of the cd's that house the songs I love (do they even sell Flesh for Lulu cd's anymore?) It burns my ass when I hear a great song, invest the $15+ for the cd and the only good song on it is the song I already heard.
I wouldn't mind paying Napster for the service as long as the price is reasonable.
As far as the musicians
a)How much profit are they really losing to Napster?
b)Doesn't their music company make almost all of the profit anyway????

--Ophelia Resurrected
(I thought I was the only one left that knew "Flesh For Lulu"--Rox)

I personally see Napster as an asset to the record industry. Being a musician myself, the name of the game is exposure. Napster was exposure to the umpteenth degree. Look at how accessible music of millions is. To me the quality of the material was good enough to get a sample of but if I really liked something, chances are that I and most others will go out and buy it. I can see why some artists are afraid that they won't be receiving as big royalty checks in the mail but don't we get most of our money from touring and merchandise anyway? Usually the bastard record companies take half to the majority of your publishing when you sign with them anyway. They have better lawyers so why don't we let them figure out a way to work with Napster. It would also help if the musicians had a better spokesperson than Lars Ulrich. Is it me or is that guy the biggest cranked out moron you've ever heard. No wonder Newstead left the band.

--RobbaDee

I got a little wordy...even by my standards

--Rox

Bahb.....
absolutely no way should napster be allowed to continue without a system in place for remuneration to the creator of the music. there is such an obvious talent involved, in most cases (eh, forget brittany), in the creation of music. the creator of the music deserves to be paid for what they do. napster, in its current form, is simply a big ass bootleg operation. yeah, i could record the tunes on my own, off a cd, or the radio, but by doing so, there is payment that is given to the creator of the music.......napster beats the payment system, and that is wrong
late,

--the white guy