BRAIN TUMOUR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumour.
IDIOT: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
IDIOT: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
IDIOT: Because that proves that I have a brain!

IDIOT WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
IDIOT: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
IDIOT: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
IDIOT: I'd like buy some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
IDIOT: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
IDIOT: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
IDIOT: four asterisks!

Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
IDIOT: 16
Friend: Why?
IDIOT: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is itOk?
IDIOT: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horrorfilm. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
IDIOT: Head Cleaner.

IDIOT: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes IDIOT cries even louder.
Friend: what now?
IDIOT: my sister just called, her mom died too!

IDIOT ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.
IDIOT: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on theescalator for 3 hrs.

SPELLING LESSON
IDIOT's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
IDIOT: Make it three c to be sure!

Do you know a lot of people ask stupid questions??
10 most stupid questions' people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Paneer Butter Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in africa marry or not. And you thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your outh...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Want to propose a girl --> Just do it [NIKE].
Before going to propose a girl --> Believe in the best [BPL].
If u r hesitating before proposing to a girl --> Vicks ki goli lo, kich kich door karo [VICKS].
If result of propose --> 50-50 [BRITANNIA].
If a girl slaps u when u propose to her --> Take it easy [LIMCA].
Girl says NO --> Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage [MIRINDA].
Those who succeed in love always say --> We dream bcoz we do [DAEWOO].
If someone wants to write a love letter to his gf --> Likho script apna apna [ROTOMAC].
If u love someone --> Go get it [VISA POWER].
Boy riding a bike with neighbour's girl --> Neighbour's envy, owner's pride [ONIDA].
Not satisfied with your date --> Ye dil mange more [PEPSI].
A guy having number of gfs --> The complete man [Raymonds].
A smart girl having a number of bfs --> Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra [COLGATE].
For those lost in love --> Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera Bagpiper [BAGPIPER WHISKY].
For a guy or girl who hasn't yet found one --> Dhoondte reh jaaoge [SURF EXCEL].

1) What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable?
Mu Lee
2) Bruce Lee's favorite breakfast?
Id Lee
3) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch?
Tha Lee
4) What happens to the theater once a Bruce Lee movie is over?
Kha lee
5) What does Bruce Lee call his sister-in-law?
Saa Lee
6) Bruce Lee's favourite festival?
Diwa Lee
7) Bruce Lee's favourite Actress?
Sona Lee
8) Bruce Lee's favourite Music?
Khawa Lee
9) What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job?
Coo Lee
10) What did people say when Bruce lee died
Final Lee
11) How did Bruce Lee die?
with a Go Lee
12) What is Bruce Lee's favourite hill station?
Kulu Manna Lee
13) This message was originally sent from UAE by
a Malaya Lee

These are extracts from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of having to staycalm
while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't
miss the last one.

Q : What is your date of birth?
A : July fifteenth.
Q : What year?
A : Every year.

Q : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A : Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A : Yes
Q : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A : I forget.
Q : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
A : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q : How long has he lived with you?
A : Forty-five years.

Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A : He said, "Cathy, Where am I?"
Q : And why did it upset you?
A : My name is Susan.

Q : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?

Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q : Were you present at the time your picture was taken?

Q : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A : Yes
Q : And what were you doing at that time?

Q : She had three children, right?
A : Yes.
Q : How many were boys?
A : None.
Q : Were there any girls?

Q : How was your first marriage terminated?
A : By death.
Q : And by whose death was it terminated?

Q : Can you describe the individual?
A : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?

Q : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A : No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q : All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A : Oral.

Q : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A : The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.
Q : And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A : No
Q : Did your check for blood pressure?
A : No
Q : Did your check for breathing?
A : No
Q : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A : No
Q : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A : Not unless he was out practising law somewhere.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work ?"

.. you can do vector calculus in your head, but you forgot how to do long division.
.. you consider a databook "good reading" when you're on the toilet.
.. the first thing you do with anything new is take it apart to see how it works.
.. the last time you moved, you needed two dumpsters to haul off the scrap electrical parts from your work room.
.. you not only know what a left-handed constabulator is, but you designed one once, for fun.
.. you paid more for math and science books during college than most people pay for tuition.

It is the time of French Revolution and the guillotine was hard at work everyday. Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: "Hey, I see what your problem is."

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

Zindagi Hai To Khwaab Hai
Khwaab Hai To Manzilein Hai
Manzilein Hai To Fasaley Hai
Fasaley Hai To Rastey Hai
Rastay Hai To Mushkilein Hai
Mushkilein Hai To Hosalaa Hai
Hosalaa Hai To Vishawas Hai
Vishvas hai to Paisa hai
Paisa hai to shohrat hai
Shohrat hai to izzat hai
Izzat hai to ladki hai
Ladki hai to tension hai
Tension hai to concern hai
Concern hai to a khayaal hai
Khayaal hai to khwaab hai
Khawab hai to growth hai
Growth hi to zindagi hai......

Matlab duniya gol gol hai

A physics student once got the following question in an exam: "You are given an accurate barometer. How would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper?"
He answered, "Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down 'till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string."
The examiner wasn't satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy: "Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics?"
"Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground..."
"Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again?"
"Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top..."
"...another try?...."
"Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of theskyscraper..."
"...and again?..."
"walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells."
"...One more try?"
"Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say 'Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you this nice barometer, will you tell me the height of this building?'"

Police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following conversation:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying fellow told you I was speeding, too

Hi Guys.........another Mr. IDIOT series.......this is good.

Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. IDIOT: I know your Password, hee, hee.
Friend: all right, what is my Password if you saw it?
Mr. IDIOT: four asterisks!

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. IDIOT: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. IDIOT: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

Mr. IDIOT: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend. After 2 minutes Mr. IDIOT cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. IDIOT: my sister just called, her mother died too

Mr. IDIOT: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. IDIOT: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

Mr. IDIOT's friend: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.
Mr. IDIOT: Thats all right, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
(escalators are the staris that automatically take you up or down.)

Mrs. IDIOT watched her husband Mr. IDIOT searching high and low, all over the living room.
She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?"
Mr. IDIOT: "Hidden cameras!"
Mrs. IDIOT: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"
Mr. IDIOT: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying ...'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How Can he know what I am watching?"

What happened when there was a power cut at the Karachi airport?
Thousands of Pakistanis were stuck on the escalator.

A Paki news editor got 20 years in prison for calling the Prime Minister a fool..........5 years for the scandal and 15 for revealing a state secret!

Did you hear about the 747 jets which Crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far Recovered 3000 bodies.

What do you do if you run over a Paki?
Reverse and make sure.
(Jo tamari gaadi koi pakistani parti jaay to su karsho?
Paacha vadi ne phairthi jovanu ke jivto nathi rahyo ne.)

Banta was in the army. During the war with Pakistan, Banta used his intelligence to kill many Pakistani soldiers.
He would hide behind the bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan the soldier named Imran Khan would get up to say "I am here !" Then Banta would shoot him down. This went on till Banta almost wiped out all the soldiers single handedly!
Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Banta was killing all his soldiers by fooling them. So he decides to use Banta's own method to kill him and starts calling him names like Banta etc.
Banta realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick, suddenly says "Who called me?" and the Commander gets up to say "I called you." Banta shoots him down!

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi (India) found himself needing a toilet badly.
After a long search he could not find any. And eventually couldn't control and chose a silent corner of a clean street to relieve himself. Once he had just started, a police official approached him, Hey, What do you think you're doing here?
Pakistani tourist: sorry I have to "P"
Police: No PP here okay? Follow me...
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around....
Policeman: PP here.. have a nice day the policeman said.
Pakistani tourist: Oh sir ... that is very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?
Policeman: No... this is Pakistani Embassy !!

Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training.
"Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "even fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!"
"But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha.
"Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!"