Celebrities

Andy Rooney


1. Andy Rooney and Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees

2 - Andy Rooney on Vegetarians
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'"

3 - Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

4- Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

5- Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

6- Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

7- Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

8- Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

9- Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

10 -Andy Rooney on Research
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them!



BOB HOPE
Passed away 07-27-2003 at age 100

CLASSIC HOPE(S):

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER,BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ....the referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."




Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest..

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff . " --Mariah Carey

` " Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

` "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

` "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

`"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President `````````````````

` "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

` "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away... May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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