Lipstick Scars III ~ Walking Backwards
By: Noctiluca ~ [email protected]
Gee, but it's hard
When one lowers one's guard
To the vultures
Now, me I regard it
A torturous hardship
That smolders
Like a peppermint eaten away
Will I fight? Will I swagger, or sway?...
The Venus In
Furs, Tumbling Down
***
"So he brings me the suit -
and it's khaki! Khaki of all things! So I say to him:
'I will *not* wear a khaki suit!' And he says: 'Then you'll have to go naked, chéri. Everything's khaki this season!'
Khaki! Can you believe it? With my complexion! It's a crime!"
Deeply indignant Angelo shook his head as he fell onto the hotel bed beside
Curt and let out a frustrated sigh.
Curt was staring at the ceiling, absent-mindedly answering: "I'm sure you
looked great," before taking a long drag on his cigarette. Angelo raised
his eyebrows.
"No, I did *not* look great! I looked awful! Awful!"
He glanced at his lover and smiled, his anger melting away like nothing. He
rolled over onto his stomach and looked at Curt, resting his chin on his hands.
"You yourself looked wonderful tonight, my sweet, as
usual."
Curt frowned and blew out a cloud of smoke right into Angelo's face.
"Angelo - just shut up."
The man looked back at him and smiled.
"Okay. I'm talking too much again, ain't I?
Okay, I'll shut up now. We're having a quiet moment. That's fine. I won't say
another word. - Unless you want me to of course."
Curt slightly shook his head and went back to staring at the ceiling. He had a
lot to think about and not the nerve to listen to Angelo now. As great as it
was to see him again, sometimes he drove him nuts with his chatter.
He still couldn't fully believe he'd seen Brian tonight. He was surprisingly
calm now, almost a little too calm, almost...
peaceful.
It was strange. Something had happened tonight and it had changed everything,
but he just wasn't able to make out what it was. That look
in Brian's eyes before he left...
During the time they'd been together, he must have worn a thousand masks. No
matter what he did, Brian was a performer, always aware of the effect he had on
others. He'd never known a creature as restrained and calculating as him. But
no matter what he did, no matter how cold and heartless he could be at times,
he always had an irresistible air of innocence about him. With those big blue
doll's eyes and the sweet, ever-pouting mouth he had the charms of a little boy
walking through life like
But tonight he had been able to look beyond the mask, only for the spilt of a
second, and what he had seen was a confused man scared to admit that he had
been living a lie.
He had seen himself in Brian's eyes.
Angelo sighed, looking at him again and gently placing his hand on Curt's chest. "A penny for your
thoughts."
Curt didn't answer. Angelo bit his lip.
"A dollar?"
Despite his annoyance Curt couldn't help but smile. He put out his cigarette in
the ashtray beside the bed and turned towards Angelo.
"You won't rest till I tell you, huh?"
Angelo smiled, all innocence.
"Oh, you don't have to tell me. You can have your secrets. I'm sorry to
bug you, honey, really. It's just that I haven't seen you in... How long? Two
month? Three? I just want to know that you're okay,
that's all."
Suddenly Curt's eyes softened and a little half-smile
appeared on his lips.
"I really don't deserve you."
Angelo chuckled at the unexpected revelation.
"Oh boy, he finally realized!" he said mockingly but immediately
turned serious again. He looked at Curt for a long moment, then rolled onto his
back and stared at the ceiling too.
"That man on the street tonight - who was that?
It wasn't who I think it was, was it?"
***
Brian roamed the streets for
hours, too upset to go back to the house. He had never even dared to fantasize
about meeting Curt again, he had been too frightened
of it. But somehow it had always been there in the back of his mind, the question:
What would it be like...?
Now he knew. Like anything concerning Curt it had been extremely intense,
almost flooding him with thousands of different emotions. Like an
electro-shock, shaking him violently, forcing him to wake up. Even now his
heart still seemed to be beating a little faster. No matter how strange and
surreal their accidental meeting had been, he only wished they could have
talked a little longer. If Angelo hadn't shown up...
Angelo. Curt's new lover. Of course he had read of him in the papers.
He couldn't help feeling a little thorn of jealousy piercing his heart.
*What's going on here, Brian?*
He thought about this unexpected feeling, wondering where it came from. Curt
and him... It was history. Their story had ended years ago and they had both
known parting was for the best, no matter how hard it might have been at that
time.
*A little out of place getting possessive now, isn't it?*
As if Curt somehow still belonged with him like he had always felt he had...
But looking into Curt's eyes he had sensed that the
connection was still there, that time hadn't been able to fully wash away their
former closeness, no matter how hard it had tried. He was sure he hadn't
imagined it, he was sure Curt had felt the same, even though he had tried his
best not to show.
Now that he had seen him again a deep restlessness had taken grip of him.
Something inside of him was yearning for more. There was too much left unsaid
between them. For the first time in his life he felt the desperate need to explain
his actions, to make Curt understand why he had done what he had done back then
- but did he even have an explanation? And would Curt even have listened?
There was only one way to find out: He had to try to meet him again. He simply
had to. But first he needed to put his own life right again. With all the
damage he had done in the past few years it would take some time.
He sighed and decided to go back home, glancing up at the sky for one last time
before getting on the bus. It had become too foggy to see the stars, but he
knew they were out there. As cold and black as the night was, there was
something almost magical about it. His future was written in the stars, but he
was determined to make it his own.
***
"So what you're gonna do now?" Angelo asked softly. "I mean, you
fired Barry..."
He giggled. "Man, that look on his face... That
alone was worth it!"
Curt laughed out loud. Angelo couldn't stand Barry from the start. "He's
all about money," he used to say. "Look into his eyes,
you can see the dollar notes. He doesn't give a shit about your music."
He'd been really good at his job though. It wasn't his fault Curt wasn't as mad
about publicity as most stars. He hated to give interviews and photo shootings
bored him too death. As a matter of fact, almost everything about this
lifestyle had started to bore him, except for writing and producing songs and
being on stage.
"I dunno. Think I'll cancel the tour, go back
home."
"You wanna cancel the tour? You
serious?"
Curt nodded gravely. "There's a lot... I gotta think about. A lotta things I gotta
change." He glanced at Angelo and smiled ironically. "Somewhere along
the way I lost myself and didn't even notice."
Angelo smiled understandingly. "Doesn't that happen to us all, as we grow
older?"
They looked at each other for a long moment, both knowing there was a much
deeper meaning to the words, and both understanding.
Angelo pulled Curt close and snuggled up to him. Curt put his arms around his
lover and friend and sighed deeply.
They didn't have to say it, they both knew their time
together was over. In the morning they would both go their separate ways, go on
with their lives, just like they always had. But this time, there wouldn't be a
next time.
No more compromises. He had made up his mind.
Tonight had changed it all. Meeting Brian again had been like being forced to
look into the mirror and really seeing yourself the way you are. And he didn't
like what he had seen.
Maybe he would stop performing altogether, start producing fresh, unknown bands,
found his own record label. He had been living his
life in public for way too long. It had been an artificial life. He didn't long
for money or fame anymore. What he really wanted was to find out who he really
was. To find a place where he belonged.
Later that night he stood at the window again, staring out into the London fog,
listing to Angelo breathing deeply, sound asleep on the bed.
The past wasn't dead. The past was alive. And it was whispering to him. For the
first time in many years, he was looking ahead to tomorrow.
***
Two month later, Newark, New
Jersey.
Brian was standing at the porch of a small, plain, typical suburban house,
staring at the screen door. He had checked the address twice, it was the right
house. He just couldn't fully believe Mandy would be living in a place like
this. A few times he raised his hand to knock, but always stopped in the last
moment. He was so nervous it took all his self-control not to start chewing on
his fingernails.
Finally he pulled himself together and knocked.
No answer.
He waited for a moment, then knocked again.
She wasn't home apparently. Or didn't want to answer - a thing he would have
perfectly understood. After all, he hadn't even bothered to talk to her in
years. He sighed deeply and turned to leave.
"What do you want?" a gruffly voice suddenly said. "Who are
you?"
Slowly he turned around. Mandy was looking at him blankly through the screen
door, her front door opened just wide enough so she could peek out.
He could only stare at her for a long moment, unable to speak. She looked so
different! Her hair had grown longer and she looked pale, tired, not wearing
any make-up.
She gasped and stared back at him unbelievingly.
"Brian! Brian?"
He nodded and smiled self-consciously.
"Hello Mandy."
***
"What are you doing
here?" she said quietly as she opened the screen door and stepped outside.
Shivering in the unexpectedly cold spring air she rubbed her arms, trying to
stay warm.
"How did you even find me in the first place?"
Brian smirked. "Your lawyer."
She nodded. "I see. Never knew you came back to the States."
"Well, I just got here a couple 'o days ago. I'm staying at this small
hotel downtown... and I thought I'd stop by and say hello."
"Well you did now. What do you really want, Brian? Money?
Cause if you do, hey, I'm still waiting for your last check!"
He shook his head vehemently. "I don't need money, Mandy. I... just wanted
to talk to you, see how you're doing. Is that so hard to believe?"
She looked at him with a frown for a long moment, her eyes narrow with
suspicion.
"As a matter of fact, it is. I don't hear from you in years and suddenly
you're showing up on my doorstep all concerned 'bout how I am?"
She shook her head.
"C'mon, Brian. You gotta admit that's a bit strange."
He smiled, a little embarrassed.
"You know me, Mand. Never been quite like the
rest."
Suddenly a small smile appeared on her lips.
"You're tellin' me."
She looked at him biting her lip, then she suddenly
stepped back and opened the door.
"Now that you're here, why don't you come in for a moment?"
***
"So too shorten up a long
story: That's how I ended up living in
"No, not really. What about you?"
She shrugged, hesitating. "Well... No."
"No? Who're you still in touch with? C'mon, you can tell me,"
he teased her.
She glanced at him and it was obvious she either didn't want to tell or wasn't
sure he would want to know.
"I wouldn't really say 'in touch', but now and then... Curt... and me talk on the phone. He calls me or I call him... Once in a while, y'know."
He stared at her unbelievingly, taken aback. "He calls you on the
phone?"
"Yeah. Just... to make sure I'm okay, y'know."
"He calls you on the phone to make sure you're okay?"
That came so surprising he didn't even know what to say.
Curt and Mandy talked on the phone? Curt and Mandy cared about each other? What
on earth had happened? They hadn't even talked to each other when they had all
still been together!
Mandy smiled amusedly. "I know that's hard to believe. But after you
disappeared... We'd meet occasionally at a party or somewhere and one day...
well, we just started talking. It helped to talk about it with someone who
understood, who'd sorta... gone through the same.
It's funny, but we realized we actually *had* one
thing in common after all: You."
Brian took a deep breath, still a little dazed. "So... how is he?"
She glanced at him and took a sip of her drink. "Curt? He's fine, I guess.
Haven't heard from him in months."
Brian chewed on his lip nervously. "Does he ever... talk about me?"
Mandy put her glass back on the table and leaned back again.
"The truth? He used to, but he doesn't anymore. Hasn't even mentioned you in years."
She paused and looked at him thoughtfully. "I'm sorry."
Brian looked at her and smiled a little.
"You're not," he said softly. "Why would you be? I guess I'm the
one who should be sorry, right? Only that... I'm not either."
She laughed. "Boy, it's good to see you haven't changed a bit, luv! Still the selfish, spoiled little brat prince you've
always been."
Brian bowed gracefully. "Spoiled little brat prince at
your service, Ma'am."
They both laughed and it felt wonderful being together like this again. He
never would have thought she would even let him in and here they were, talking
and talking...
*Maybe time really heals all wounds. And if not all, maybe at least some.*
But Mandy had her scars too and he could see them. She had that disillusioned,
almost broken look in her eyes when she sat like this, staring into the fire.
She had grown a lot older in the past few years, or maybe she had simply grown
up. But still she seemed like she had really come to terms with her past, and
even meeting him again after all this time couldn't really shake her anymore.
He had to admire her strength, the toughness with which she had walked on and
had taken her life back, made it her own again. She was a true survivor. She
had always been a fighter, and a lot stronger than him.
"I met him, Mandy," he eventually broke the silence. "Accidentally. Well, more or less. He played a gig in
She looked up and arched an eyebrow. "No kidding. What'd he say?"
"Not much. He called me an asshole."
She giggled. "I'm sure you deserved it."
"Thanks, Mand," he said ironically and
smiled.
Slowly she shook her head. "Brian, Brian, Brian. What did you expect? That
you could just walk back into his life and everything would be okay? Look at me
- I'm talking to you, but it doesn't meean you're forgiven."
He stared at her, feeling awkward all over sudden. Of course she was right. The
scars were there and always would be, the constant
reminders of a past you could not undo or even make up for anymore.
She smiled a little and put her hand on his knee.
"Hey, we all make mistakes. We all *made* mistakes. You made yours and I
made mine. And we all made our choices."
He nodded gravely.
"Yeah, we did. And I'm only just beginning to realize how wrong mine
were."
He frowned.
Mandy looked at him with a warm smile.
"Well, that's a start."