Lipstick Scars IV ~ A Time to Heal
By: Noctiluca ~ [email protected]
There's nothing left, all gone and run
away
Maybe you'll tarry for a while
It's just a test, a game for us to play
Win or lose, it's hard to smile
Resist, resist, it's from yourself you have to hide...
Steve Harley, Make Me Smile
***
It was a start.
Yeah, everything seemed to work out the way he wanted to, for the first time in
his life. Curt enjoyed a smoke as he strolled down the street on his way home
from the meeting he had had with Todd Thriver, the
guy who was in charge of his finances.
His plan to start his own small record label was beginning to take shape. Money
wasn't an issue and he already had part of the equipment. He had spent the last
month trying to get the right people together, people who wanted the same, who
were in it for the music. He had talked to a lot of old friends and Steve,
former guitarist with the Rats had said yes right away, telling him that he had
had exactly the same thing in mind for years.
The plan was to produce and support completely unknown bands but giving them
full creative freedom instead of binding them with rip-off contracts.
Curt was glad to have Steve aboard, but somehow he felt that something was
still missing in his crew. What he was looking for was a strong, creative
partner, someone truly inspiring who knew the business throughout like he did
and had the guts to lead this label with him, make it a success.
He couldn't help thinking of Brian. Ever since they had accidentally bumped
into each other in
But then Brian had begun to change and somehow lost himself in worshiping his
own massive ego, never realizing that he was slowly drowning Curt and
everything they had had. It hadn't entirely been his fault, though it was so
tempting and easy to put the blame on him. But Curt himself had become a
disciple of the gods of fame, sex and drugs at that time and he hadn't even
realized that they were heading for disaster for a long, long time. But the
gods wanted a tribute - and that tribute was your soul.
He still remembered the night he had finally woken up. They had had this
terrible fight at the recording studio. He didn't even remember how it had
started or who had started it, but once he had started saying all these things,
scream it all out there was no going back. He had packed his bags and left the
next morning. And afterwards nothing had ever been the same.
He wondered if Brian could feel it too, this emptiness inside, the feeling that
there was something missing, as if a part of your heart had been ripped out and
was gone forever.
Thinking of him now he was shocked to noticed that he
almost missed him a little. It would have been interesting to talk to him
again, to find out what had become of him, what he had done and where he had
been in the past years. But somehow he knew that even if they met again Brian
and him would never be able to just be friends. What
they had once had had been too intense, too captivating. The memory would always
be part of his life, having influenced him so deeply he couldn't imagine his
life without it. Sometimes he wondered if he even wanted those scars to heal.
Brian had left his marks on him, but he had also made him stronger.
***
"Maybe you should find out what it is
you want, Brian," Mandy had once said. "That's always been your
problem. You want this, then you want that. What you
really need is... focus."
He didn't even know why it crossed his mind so suddenly right after he had
woken up in the middle of the night, having dreamt something ghastly he
couldn't even remember the moment he had opened his eyes.
He sighed deeply and sat up in bed, hugging his knees and gazing into darkness.
Why was it that everything seemed to expand at night? The room was too big, the
bed was too big and everything was empty, so empty.
*What you really need is... focus.*
Once again, she was absolutely right. What his life was missing was a center, a
core to grow around. He had always wanted, wanted, wanted, greedily piling it
up all around him, making himself the center of so many other people's lives
without ever realizing that he needed such a center himself.
That had been the problem with him and Curt too, as much as it hurt to admit.
He had never really wanted him for what he was but for what he represented to
him.
He had never really cared to know.
He knew he had truly loved him, otherwise his leaving him wouldn't have left
such a deep wound that still hadn't fully healed, but for the wrong reasons.
He had loved them all because they were content to let their lives revolve
around him. Had no one ever noticed they were revolving around a feather in the
wind?
He got up and walked over to the mini bar, glad for the small light inside the
fridge that lit the darkness for a few moments while he had a look at his
shrinking hoard of booze. Not satisfied with what he found he angrily slammed
the door shut again and began to pace, finally stopping at the window.
Staring at the flashing neon signs on the other side of the street he suddenly
realized that he had already grown so accustomed to the sirens of the police
cars that he hardly heard them anymore.
*Not satisfying.*
This whole place wasn't satisfying. Nothing was satisfying, there was always this deep restlessness inside
of him. He had come here for only one reason and now he couldn't find the
courage to pull through with it.
The truth was he knew what he wanted.
What he had always wanted.
He had known since the moment he had seen him again but hadn't dared to admit
it to himself.
He wanted Curt back.
He missed him so badly that even to think of him was extremely harrowing. He
missed those dreamy eyes that always had an ounce of pain in them, making him
all the more irresistible. And every nerve of his body was aching for the touch
of his skin. When he was lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling like he
so often did now he could almost feel him beside him, feel his breath on his
shoulder, smell him, hear him moaning softly in his sleep.
He remembered the way he often used to twist and turn in his sleep, tortured by
bad dreams he wouldn't talk about. There was so much they had never talked
about but should have, so much he didn't know about the one person who had ever
really known him, known him like nobody else had, not even Mandy.
Curt had always known much more than he showed, he could tell when Brian was
lying, he could tell when he was telling the truth. He had loved him to the
verge of insanity, so much it had frightened him at
times and at the same time turned him on.
When you've experienced a love like that there's no way of ever forgetting, of
ever letting go. He knew that now. Curt had been an obsession to him since the
moment he had first seen him. And he was still inside of him, heart and soul, he had him wrapped around his finger. No one else ever
had.
How could he have rejected a love like that? How could he have been so stupid
to just let him walk out of his life?
Looking back, he really couldn't believe it. Everyone else had gone on with
their lives. Why was he the only one who couldn't let go? He didn't even dare
to think about what would happen should he even try to tell Curt that he wanted
him back. But if he didn't even try... It would haunt
him for the rest of his life.
But he was scared, terrified like never before in his life at the thought of
being rejected. And that's why Mandy had been so very right when she said that
he couldn't truly love. He just couldn't. He had never been able to. And the
reason was exactly that fear. He couldn't really open up to anybody because
opening up was too high a risk, threatening to make him vulnerable. And Brian
Slade's pride just wouldn't allow a thing like that.
*What now, Mr. Slade? What do we do now? Do we dare to dive into the unknown?*
In his heart he had made his choice. Now all he had to
do was convince his mind that this choice was right.
***
She pulled him close for a long, warm hug.
"Oh, it's good to see you."
Curt smiled at Mandy as he pulled back.
"It's good to see you too. How's everything? You look great!"
She laughed and shook her head.
"Liar! I know I look terrible - I really need to get my hair cut if I
could only find the time! Besides, no one looks their best in the
wintertime."
He looked at her with a small grin and they started walking through the park
side by side.
"It's almost spring, Mandy," he said mischievously and she smiled
thoughtfully, looking at the trees.
If you looked real closely you could already see the leaf-buds, but the air was
still freezing and she could see little clouds of breath coming out of her
mouth as she spoke.
"I heard about Angelo. I'm really sorry, Curt. How are you?"
He shrugged. "I'm okay. We both knew it was time, so... I guess it's okay."
She nodded and they walked on silently for a while.
"So, did anything interesting happen lately? Anything you wanna tell me?" she finally asked.
He glanced at her, a startled look in his eyes as if he knew exactly what she
was aiming at. He didn't answer.
She waited a few moments before speaking again, softly.
"I saw him too, Curt. He's here. He came by my house a couple of days
ago."
Curt stopped and stared at her, his mind reeling. Brian was here? Here in
"What did he want?"
She smiled and slightly shook her head as they walked on. "I don't know.
He never said it but I think he came to make amends."
"To make amends?"
Curt shook his head unbelievingly.
"Shit! That's just like him, showing up after five fucking years just like
nothing happened! Just like nothing ever happened!"
Again, he shook his head, frowning. Mandy studied his face, surprised by his
emotional reaction and wondering if Curt was talking about Brian's visit at her
house or his own encounter with him in
"Yeah, that's like him," she said quietly.
After a few moments of silence she suddenly added: "My, but he looked
good. He looked really good, don't you think? I wouldn't have expected... I
mean, when I last saw him he was but a shadow of his former self and now... It
looks like he's back."
Curt shrugged annoyed. "So what? Mr. Brian
fucking Slade is back. You wanna know the truth? I
don't give a fuckin' shit if he lives or dies."
Mandy looked at him for a long moment.
"I don't believe you."
Curt closed his eyes for a second and sighed. He didn't look at her when he
asked: "Do you still think of him?"
"Sometimes." She smiled. "And you do too."
He glanced at her and half-smiled. "Maybe I do, maybe I don't."
She put her hand on his arm and they stopped again, looking at each other.
"Curt, I really need to know this, but I'm only gonna
ask you once."
She looked into his eyes.
"Do you still love him?"
He looked back at her with those dreamy blue eyes that always said so much more
than he dared to admit. And right now he had this lost look in his eyes, so
painfully honest she almost couldn't stand his gaze, even before he returned
the question.
"Do you?"
***
Brian stared at the faded photograph in his hand, a black and white picture of
him and Curt in some corridor before a concert. They both stared defiantly at
the photographer, annoyed about the interruption. He still remembered. They had
been talking... about being in the public eye all the time, about almost never
having any privacy. And Curt had turned to look at him, a frown on his face and
a cigarette between his lips.
"See what I mean?"
He had nodded. "I know. Maybe we need a vacation."
But Curt had shook his head.
"A vacation isn't gonna change a thing, Bri. We come back and everything's the same."
He'd known that too, but somehow it hadn't upset him as much as Curt. It was
just one of the things that came along with stardom.
"So what do you suggest?"
Curt had glanced around as if to make sure no one heard them, like a
conspirator.
"We could leave for good. Leave it all behind. Jerry, Bijoux,
and the whole fuckin' circus."
Brian had stared at him with disbelieve.
"You mean... give all of this up? No, you can't mean that. You don't. You
love it as much as I do. We both need it."
"I don't need anything, Brian, except for you."
There had been a long silence between them and so many things he would have
liked to answer, but the truth was he hadn't known what to say. And so he
hadn't really answered, just like every time. He hadn't even found the strength
to look into Curt's eyes when he said: "I'd
still like to go on a vacation, you know. Just the two of us.
What do you say?"
Curt had taken a drag on his cigarette and looked away.
"Sure. Wherever you wanna go's
fine with me."
***
Max's
As Brian strolled into the legendary club
he could feel his skin covering with goosebumps. It
was late and he had already had a couple of beers in some shabby bar a few
blocks away. He had been on his way home when he suddenly had the idea to come
here. It was a stupid idea and he knew it immediately as he looked around the
dark, narrow club, feeling like a complete idiot. Of course Curt wasn't here,
what had he expected? To find him sitting in that same corner where they had
met for the first time so many years ago?
He sighed and decided to go home, but before that he desperately needed to take
a piss.
The restroom smelled like a mixture of piss, beer and vomit and as if that
wasn't enough to almost make you throw up he almost jumped at his reflection in
the mirror above the wash-basin as he passed it, looking like a ghost in the
ghastly greenish neon light. He hardly even recognized himself. He unzipped his
pants, took a piss and walked back over to the wash-basin to wash his hands,
staring into the mirror again.
Somehow he was fascinated by the way he looked in this light, his eyes
holograms, empty and emotionless. He stared at his own reflection for what
seemed like minutes when suddenly the door opened and someone walked in,
passing him without even looking up.
He noticed that the water was still running and as he turned it off he glanced
at the man standing behind him with his back to him in the mirror.
He wore tight black leather pants and a worn out leather jacket he knew he had
seen before somewhere. He didn't care to find out where and turned to the door
when suddenly he stopped and swallowed hard. He knew where he had seen the
jacket.
For a long moment he was simply unable to move. He could feel his whole body
tensing as the man walked past him to the wash-basin. His heart was beating
madly, his stomach aflutter like never before in his life. No need to take a
closer look, no need to see his face. He simply *knew* that it was Curt. He
could feel it in every fiber of his body.
Slowly he turned around.
Curt glanced at him coldly as he turned to the door - and stopped in his
tracks.
"Brian," he gasped, his eyes widening with surprise.
That word alone was enough to make him go weak in the knees.
"Hey Curt," he said quietly, his voice cracking a little. He tried to
conceal it with a sly smile and cleared his throat to make sure his voice would
work this time.
"Funny... I had a feeling you'd be here. Well, just not
in *here*."
Curt's lips curled in a half-smile. "Heard you
were back in town, man."
"Yeah, I was... Actually I was looking for you."
Now it was out.
Curt frowned a little, disguising his amazement.
"Looking for me?" He sniffed.
"Guess you found
"Yeah, looks like."
They stared at each other as moments crawled by incredibly slow in an uneasy
silence.
Curt crossed his arms before his chest, his bright eyes staring Brian down
mercilessly.
"Okay, Bri, what are you up to?"
Brian had to restrain himself not to smile brightly at being addressed that
way.
*Bri. Called me Bri.
That's a good sign. Definitely a good sign.*
"Can we... Can we talk about that some place else?" he asked,
suddenly aware of his surroundings again.
*Like somewhere where I look less ugly and it smells a little better...*
Curt smiled flatly.
"Sure. Where'd you wanna go?"
Brian gazed into his eyes for a long moment.
"Wherever you wanna go is fine with me," he
said softly.
Silence, loud as a scream. He could feel time passing,
running backwards, bringing the past back, closer to him, closer to Curt.
In this moment everything seemed to mingle, the past, the present, words spoken
long ago, memories like snapshots flashing in his mind. And the distance five
years had put between them was beginning to melt away when Curt suddenly smiled
as if he understood the true meaning of these simple words.
He had that look in his eyes again, twinkling amusedly as if he was up to
something.
"I don't know, Bri. Maybe you won't like it
there."
Brian shrugged.
"I guess I'll just have to trust you."
Curt glanced at him again and nodded.
"Yeah, maybe you should," he said warmly.
They both smiled as he pushed the restroom door open and led the way out of the
moody club. Outside night was awaiting them, dark and mysterious just like the
future. But the stars were out and winking at them, bright like never before.
And as they strolled down the street side by side Brian had a feeling he was
really leaving the past behind this time.
No matter what was lying ahead of him, he wasn't scared anymore. No matter what
the future would bring, it started tonight, now, in this very moment at Curt's side.
-fin-