stepford

Rating: *

Plot: After getting fired from her high profile TV exec position and having a nervous breakdown, Joanne and her husband Walter decide to move to the perfect little town of Stepford, Connecticut. All husbands are married to overly-perky, obedient, and gorgeous wives. Is there a chance these perfect spouses are really robots? Take a wild guess.

Review: When I went to see the Stepford Wives remake it was after a long day of traveling D.C.'s landmarks and generally anything else to do up there. After coming out of the theater, I thought it was an okay movie. However, once my fatigue was gone I started to think more and more about the movie. And do you know what? The more I thought about it the more it sucked. Hell, I didn't crack a smile once.

That means it's time for another stinky review! It seems it's hip to be retro and remakes are where the money's at. Why make an original movie when we can just tweak the storyline of one we made years ago and sell it to a generation of movie-goers that won't know the difference? Also, why don't we inject irritating comedy into each of our remakes?

I had to put up with that crap in the Dawn of the Dead remake, which had so much potential that was lost to be one kick-ass zombie movie, and now I have to sit through an entire comedic take on what was originally a horror movie with social commentary? Oh, goodie. So you might be asking yourself, is there anything nice I can honestly say about the Stepford Wives remake? Yes, a few.

The set design and locations were terrific, the makers of the movie did a great job of capturing the feel of a deceivingly perfect suburb. Everything in the movie looked bright, flawless, and perky. And the 1950's mom getup everybody had was great too, so they get a couple of points for having good aesthetics. Also Christopher Walken played an entertaining role, but that's only because I find him just so damn entertaining.

Also Glenn Close played her creepily upbeat role just fine, but what the hell did you expect? Everybody else did has much as they could to pick up the slack and deliver their lines as best they could. This is one of those movies where it's not any of the actors faults, it's the makers. Which is a shame considering how much A-list talent was enlisted in the making of this movie. We even have Faith Hill in the movie.

Now, where did everything go wrong? Despite the fact this is supposed to be a comedy, the makers still try to put in a few elements of horror and genuine suspense. What is the point in trying to keep the fact that all the wives are robots a secret? Everybody knows, even people who have never seen the movies or read the book. For the three people in this country that don't know that, you have my deepest sympathies.

So suspense is thrown out the window. And since this is one of those upbeat movies where everything turns out just dandy (the ending made me want to puke my guts out) and the fact that no one was really harmed gave this movie a reading of 0% on the horror-o-meter. Not to mention the fact that there were plot holes that didn't make a bit of sense.

This is the most white-bread town in America...what the hell is a hardcore feminist, a flamboyant gay guy, and a stereotypical working woman living there? The women aren't really robots, you see, they merely have chips planted in them. How the hell can that be when it clearly shows that one of the women was throwing out sparks and one dispensed cash like an ATM?

And at one point in the movie it showed Joanne's double. What the fuck? Either they're robots or brainwashed people, pick one and stick with it! They just didn't have the cajones to have anybody actually in danger. What a load of feel-good bullshit. Yeah they play it up as comedy, but you just can't do that with what was originally a straight-up horror movie. They could've at least made it a dark comedy.

Lastly there was the lame motivation given by the real creator of the Stepfords which didn't make any damn sense. So how does it succeed as a comedy? It doesn't. Just about all the jokes revolve around stupid pop culture references or flat-out irritating stereotypes. Plus the jokes on gender roles were just plain aggravating and as the supposed meat of the movie's humor and social commentary, very damn weak.

Okay, women are aggressive nowadays, I get it, it's not that funny. So in the end can I recommend this remake as a horror movie, comedy movie, or about any social commentaries? Nope, not a one of 'em. This remake manages to get all three wrong with its lame, cookie-cutter approach. The Stepford Wives is in recent years the worst remake to come along. Do the right thing and blow off this piece of Hollywood rubbish.

Review by Jim