| Review by Jim |
| Plot: The Shaolin Temple of China sits on a very profitable piece of land, so profitable that the Japanese are willing to make attempts on the master's life. After the attempts fail, the Japanese resort to sending in a monk of their own only to see him killed with all blame placed on the Shaolin monks. Before you know it pacifism gets a helluva a lot harder for the monks since they'll have to fight off ninjas, samurais, and a group of Japanese Shaolin monks. Review: The only reasons I had even bothered to pick this movie up was because of its absurdly cheap price: 3 DVDs for $10, and the serious question it posed. So who would in a fight--Shaolin monks or ninjas? The answer's pretty obvious since ninja has become synonymous with evil, but it would be interesting nonetheless. Right? Nope. Just when I thought a film would tackle this issue professionally, I instead get a crapfest. Where do I start? The characterizations are over-the-top to say the least. In one corner we have the gentle, invincible, and all-around nice guy monks. In the other corner we have the evil, racist, poorly-trained Japanese samurais and ninjas. Hell, one of them even has a Hitler mustache! Saying this movie is pro-Chinese is an understatement, it's more like "the only good Japanese guy is a dead one." No, I'm not kidding. All the Japanese characters are such stereotypes that you'd think the entire country was made up of nothing but scumbags. Seriously, is it so much to ask that some of the characters not be one-dimensional bad guys and good guys? There was absolutely nobody to like in the least. And to add insult to injury the Japanese shaolin monks had to wear purple! You'd think with a title like Shaolin vs. Ninja it would be a non-stop chop sockey-fest with plenty of hectic action between both groups, but you'd be wrong. Just about all the fighting is done between the monks and drunken samurais or other monks, there were maybe one or two actual fights between the monks and the ninjas. False advertising? I think so. The action was pretty boring to boot, there was hardly one good scene of fighting and the final fight was something of a letdown (especially considering that the ninja leader was dressed like a fruitloop). Speaking of fights, Shaolin vs. Ninja has what has to be without the shadow of a doubt the most homo-erotic kung fu fight ever. Two greased-up monks clad in revealing leather and fighting...and, um, grappling. You've been warned. The dubbing was horrendous, and not in the funny cheesy kind of way. The dubbing would kick in a minute after the character's mouth had stopped moving. Not amusing. As for the DVD itself, it offers absolutely no menu or options whatsoever. It doesn't even have other trailers, what the hell kinda DVD is this? Bottom line, this is a pretty dull kung fu flick that had potential for B-movie greatness and tossed it out the window. Even the most seasoned kung fu buff will have a tough time getting some thrills from this one. As for those that were looking for the answer to the eternal question, it wasn't really answered. Sigh, we'll never see it truly answered until someone puts some actual effort into the idea. If you're looking for gore, kung fu, cheesiness, and Chinese vs. Japanese action, I say take a look at the much superior films The Duel and Chinese Super Ninja. Maybe Shaolin vs. Ninja is only $3, but this movie is way too expensive even at that price. Spend your three bucks on something else and skip this yawn-fest. |
| Rating: * |
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