| Rating: 1/2 IT'S SHIT! |
| Plot: Neo and friends finally reach Zion and a battle between the humans and the machines is on the horizon. But Neo has doubts if he's really "the one." A lot of confusing, pointless, and boring storylines ensue. Review: What is it with directors mangling their own material? We couldn't believe how god-awful Star Wars Episode I was and now this! It's one thing if the Star Wars prequels and the Matrix sequels had been directed by other people, but it's another when it's directed by the same people...the exact same people who should know better! The utter disappointment that was the Matrix: Reloaded cannot be truly conveyed in this review, but I'll give it a try. The only people that are going to be pleased with this sequel are those that follow the Matrix religiously (and there are quite a few who have diehard opinions that think all of life's greatest mysteries are answered in the series) and people that are just in it for the special effects. Now don't get me wrong, I loved the original Matrix as much as anybody else in 1999. It had an interesting narrative, cool effects, good acting, some substance underneath the surface, and a lot of cool fighting. This sequel, however, has none of that. Everything that made the Matrix, well, the Matrix is gone here. It's one long, boring mess that takes itself way too seriously and tries to be confusing just for the sake of being confusing. Despite all the weird happenings and fucking around with the audience's heads, it wasn't that hard to follow The Matrix. In Reloaded, storylines pile onto storylines, it's like a blob that just never stops fucking eating. Every scene adds on one more inane subplot that's tied together amateurishly (it's, ya know, just there) and never even explained in Revolutions so that at the very end you have so many questions. I liked the storyline from the original because it was air-tight and very slick, but here storylines are just randomly thrown at the screen and only one or two of them really stick or are worth a shit by the end of the film. It purposely tries to be confusing instead of just actually telling the story. There are so many subplots, new characters, and another ten tons of bullshit floating around that even if you remembered it all or not, you still hate it. It tries to be Star Wars and have a large, connected world but it just doesn't work. This is the Matrix, put that crap in some other film series. It's all over the place and there's no real grounding in the film for the story, subtexts, or anything for that matter. It's not that I didn't try to piece everything together, mind you, it's just that when I finally did--(1) the plotlines were weak and could barely stand on their own feet (2) developments to the plot pop up out of nowhere and feel very awkward, even if it is the Matrix universe (3) when all is said and done, it's all stupid and boring anyway. Next up there was that nasty habit every character had to go into a college philosophy lecture at every chance they had to speak. I'd never thought I'd say this, but I honestly wanted Anthony Zerbe (yes, THE Anthony Zerbe) to shut the hell up. From frame one to the very end, Reloaded bludgeons its audience with its themes. In a scene where Neo is looking at the machines Zions uses to fight off the robot enemy, instead of just leaving it as a subtext, Neo and Anthony Zerbe go on to have a ten-minute conversation about the irony of it all. Gee, I couldn't infer that by the huge fucking machines in the background, thanks for explaining it to me indepth. Nobody knows when to just stop talking. Chats about choice, destiny, reality and everything else under the philosophical sun get talked up so much they lose whatever initial impact they would've had. They just can't let a subtext (as weak as they are in the film) be, they then have to give us a fucking speech and diagram on the subject. The dialogue in the original meant something, it was clever and didn't ramble on plus when they brought up a subject it made you think. All the dialogue in Reloaded made me wish my ear drums were busted by chop sticks, that way I'd remain blissfully ignorant of whatever these assholes were saying. Nobody talks like a normal human being in this movie, everything is alluded to. Everybody talks in riddles and metaphors, sound like pompous Harvard professors, and answer questions with questions that raise even more questions. It's so incredibly boring, I found myself in the theater tuning them out and then fixating on the exit signs. Another casualty in the war on the Matrix: Reloaded are all the worthless Zion scenes which dragged the film down. A big chunk of time was devoted to showing us all of these mundane and boring sequences. This is a Matrix movie, let's keep it in the Matrix. Everything is just plain corny about the Zion scenes. We have a council right out of Star Wars Episode 1 (I half-expected Yoda to stand up and make a speech), the culture is divided between wearing royal clothes (um, shouldn't they be wearing rags?) and acting like stiff characters from Star Wars or dressing up like African tribesman, and they engage in an annoying and lengthy rave scene. Now you can argue that the Zion and rave scenes were vital to the film along with the dialogue and all that other bullshit. There are a large group of people out there who are going to try to justify this film, writing a thesis on Reloaded's philosophical aspect, and telling everybody that hated the film that they don't get it and aren't paying attention to the oh-so-clever subtexts. Do as you like, as long as I never have to listen to this crap again I'll be happy, but remember this: subtext alone does not make a film. What makes a subtext enjoyable is that it makes you think about it long after the film is through and is woven masterfully into the story. That's not the case with Reloaded. They don't help the film at all, if anything they're more like physical deformities. And about the whole existentialism, reality, destiny stuff...you people do realize none of that brought up in Reloaded was original? Pick up a copy of Ghost in the Shell, hell, any anime for that matter. I watch a ton of animes and hear that stuff on a daily basis, so no, it's not clever. So write your thesis and tell me how the Matrix: Reloaded was the closest thing to having an orgasm you've ever had. Sorry, but these Matrix guys just piss me off so badly. Now where were we? The characters were lacking in this entry severely, and the only person that could really bring a smile to my face was only one man. The man with the plan, the arch-duke of cool, the high lord elf from Australia himself: Hugo Weaving. I cannot thank this man enough, without his performances in all the Matrix movies, the sequels would've been unbearable. His scene-stealing performance as Agent Smith was just as good as it was in the original. Every time he'd slowly enunciate saying "Mr. Anderson," I don't know how the series would've survived without him. Lawrence Fishburne just looked chubby throughout this entire movie (I guess having boxes of donuts on set is just too tempting) and cranks up the pseudo-religious zealousness to a whole new level. It's like listening to a firebrand preacher, except in a sci-fi movie with kung fu. The weakest performance of all has to go to Keanu Reeves, serving us a very bland Neo. He just stares into space with a blank expression on his face and takes his lines about as seriously as a surfer dude. Granted this isn't exactly a revelation, but the Neo in this one just pales in comparison to the original. Carrie-Ann Moss is just...there. Jada Pinkett Smith adds absolutely nothing to this flick and the love triangle just doesn't do anything. The last item on this cinematic abortion are the boring fight sequences. Every fight lags on for way too long, the highlight of which being a highway sequence that manages to last for half an hour. The 100 Smiths scene is alright for the first few minutes, but the rest just gets repetitive way too fast and doesn't look believable. It's just so underwhelming, and doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the great fight sequences in the original movie. In the end, nothing works in this sequel. The action sequences somehow manage to be boring, none of the characters are likeable and talk like the British-wannabes in Star Wars, the film constantly throws superficial and overly-pretentious themes at us, and all the thin and overlapping storylines don't mean shit. There's nothing I can say nice about this flick, no redeeming qualities about it other than the fact I'll never have to watch it again, though, I imagine I'll be hearing a lot of bullshit about how brilliant it is because it discusses themes that were presented ten times better in other films and anime. Matrix: Reloaded is a sequel only the most diehard Matrix fan could enjoy, but as far as I'm concerned both Reloaded and Revolutions just don't exist. Nothing works in this entry--every scene, line, storyline, and character is completely wasted. On an artistic level this movie is just pretentious crap and on a movie-goer level this movie bored me to tears. So I'll skip coming up with a witty line to go out on, just throw away this piece of tripe and don't watch it. Your life will be much better off. |
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| Reivew by Jim |