| Review by Jim |
| Plot: After dispatching the killer snowman with anti-freeze in the last film, sheriff Sam Tyler has a Christmas phobia and suspects that Jack isn't dead (hmm, ya don't say?), but goes on a vacation to the Tropicana resort in the Caribbean with his wife and friends nonetheless. After Jack is resurrected by...a cup of coffee, he pursues them onto the island and the snow-themed killing begins anew. And just look at the neato holographic box for the movie! Review: This movie isn't the first foray into Christmas-themed horror. We've had Silent Night Deadly Night, Elves, and of course the original Jack Frost. No, not the Jack Frost that stars Michael Keaton who comes back as a snowman to guide his son, it's the one with the killer who's DNA gets mixed with snow by a freak chemical accident and thus giving him the powers of a snowman. I watched the first, good thing I didn't rent it and saw it on TV, and it sucked badly. The kills were uninspired and bloodless as well as the actual suit for Jack looking fake as hell. But on some B-movie level it worked, though, I don't know why. My theory is that it was all in the holographic box cover that looked just so darn colorful, and thus someone decided to rent Jack Frost. On the merit of that one misguided soul, the makers decided to have a sequel, and Jack Frost 2 was born. But how could we possibly have a sequel with an exotic and fresh location? I know, why don't we send Jack to a tropical island filled with a nutty group of hotel employees! It's fucking brilliant! I'm sure on paper that it was a wonderful concept: sending the snowman killer to a tropical island, but somehow, it just didn't pan out. Here's the good (and only good) news, there's gore and there's boobies to be had. In addition to the wacky employees and the not-so-wacky guests, there's also a group of modeling bimbos on a shoot along with their stereotypically gay photographer. The bimbos each take their tops off in the most cliched ways (for the millionth time some bimbo gets wasted while skinny-dipping at night with no one around) and to be honest, they're just not much to look at. Needless to say, they're all phony, but they look 100% real when compared to the god-awful effects. I don't know what's worse, the cornball gore effects or the Jack Frost suit and effects. Let's go over the kills, shall we? One of the models eats a piece of ice that's, surprise, a piece of Jack and her head explodes via computer-generation. Another one of the models gets her eyes taken out with tongs, a bunch of the guests get their limbs cut off after Jack throws snowballs at them, a guy gets his tongue stuck to a pole and you can guess the outcome, and the rest don't even matter. Going into detail about the kills would be pointless, since even the semi-interesting (I stress semi) look fake as hell. And no, I don't mean the kind of fake gore effects that are amusing with how amateur they look. I mean downright shitty effects that looked like they'd been done by a preschooler with a bucket of red paint and some plastic. It's easy to see this movie was made with the same budget, probably less, than your average softcore porn flick. But much like those softcore porn movies, Jack Frost 2 also tries to cram its brand of idiotic humor down your throat. A prime example of this is the "nutty" (nutty as a synonym for annoying as hell) cast of hotel employees. There's the British war vet, the Jamaican bartender, a security guy that's always spying around, and some disturbingly upbeat fellow called "Captain Fun." They all play the parts stereotypically, with each one trying to ham up each of their shticks for all they're worth. All of their shticks are 1st grade humor at the very best. But perhaps the most irritating of all the annoying characters is without a doubt Captain Fun. While the movie tries to portray itself as a spoof (low-budget spoofs are seldom funny), the fact of the matter is the humor falls flatter than a one-legged man in a hopping contest. That joke is better than ALL of the humor in the movie. This wouldn't be a problem (okay, I lied, it would still be a problem) except for the fact that the movie never quits with its humor aspect, no matter how lame it may be. I haven't even touched the plot yet, but it's idiotic to say the least. Jack Frost's liquefied remains are dug up by the manufacturers of the chemicals that made him like he is and they put him through many rigorous tests only to get them all negative. Then one night, some bumbling janitor knocks a cup of coffee into the tank holding Jack and thus, he's restored. I'm just as confused as you are, especially considering the fact that warm liquids don't exactly help snow. But I'm guessing the writers were on a tight schedule...or drunk. Jack then manages to cross the oceans to get to the tropical island and for some reason he's unaffected. I guess Jack Frost's icy body composition can resist even the warmest of temperatures. The next plot twist here is that when Tyler fought Jack the last time, their DNA mingled, giving Jack a psychic link with Tyler and one other thing: Tyler's banana allergy. That's right, the only way to kill Jack is to cram a banana in his face, or in the climax, just put the banana on an arrow and use it. And of course there's an opening for yet another sequel. But what's a review without acknowledging the work the actors put into this movie? I know I'm wasting my time, but I'll do it anyway. Tyler and his wife Anne just go through one idiotic scene to another just waiting to get their hands on a paycheck and that's it. Their performances? In a word: shitty. But they're no where near as irritating as the hotel employees. And to the dickhead in the snowman costume, STOP OVER-ACTING! Jesus H. Christ, not only does he look like a fucking walking marshmallow with arms, but they also have to give him some of the dumbest lines in history. "Now there's a turkey that could use some stuffin'!" It's not funny, numbnuts! I'm running out of nasty things to say about this movie and I've wasted enough time already, so I'm going to end my review here. If you thought this movie was going to be amusing on a corny B-movie level, you're dead wrong. Jack Frost 2 is a C-movie or D-movie at its very best. If you like watching the type of humor on public access TV and dumbass effects, then by all means dig into this movie. Anyone else, do not watch this movie, there are better ways to waste your life. Even if this movie had the shiniest cassette box in the world, it still wouldn't be worth watching. |
| Rating: 1/2 IT'S SHIT! |
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