| Review by Jim |
| Plot: As a psychotic housewife is about to prepare a succulent dinner with the key ingredient being a little kid, the kid tries to stall her by reading three "Tales From the Darkside" to her. Will these terrifying (and predictable) stories buy him enough time or will he become the soupe du jour of this ravenous ex-singer's meal? Review: I do remember the Tales From the Darkside series...the opening, at least. Other than that, nothing. Anthology shows are a well-established tradition. Tales From the Crypt, The Outer Limits, The Twilight Zone, Monsters, and Tales From the Darkside just to name a few. Then there is the tradition of turning anthology shows into movies. And as one of my early memories, Tales From the Darkside: The Movie is one of them. However, I remember this movie packing a much heavier punch when I originally saw it. The movie consists of three stories and the mandatory "wrap-around story" to tie all the stories together. So rather than review the movie in one entire page, I'm going to review them one story at a time. Lot 249: Bellingham (Buscemi) has been framed by a fellow college student (Moore) and her preppie boyfriend (Sedgwick) and loses his chance at scholarship. Once he acquires an ancient mummy (fully stocked with a resurrection spell, mind you), it's time for some payback Egyptian style. Lot 249 is easily the weakest bit in the entire movie. It's your standard supernatural revenge story that seems more appropriate in a generic Tales From the Crypt episode. One question I have is why the mummy doesn't turn on Bellingham, especially since he's the guy that's been pulling out various objects from the mummy's stomach? I guess the mummy just doesn't mind. All the kills you'll see coming a mile away too. The preppie boyfriend gets killed by having his brain pulled out of his nose (as explained by Bellingham near the beginning) via a clothes hanger. Julianne Moore's character gets roses crammed in her back (once again explained by Bellingham near the beginning). You'd have to be pretty dense not to see those coming. So Christian Slater's character confronts Bellingham and plans to burn him alive in captivity. The mummy comes alive just then, but Slater has an electric saw with his name on it. Then Slater lets Bellingham go because he can bring his two friends back...dumb move. You should not trust a guy that uses a mummy for revenge. Needless to say, Slater gets screwed in the end in a "twist". Once again you'll see it coming. So Lot 249 turns out to be predictable and just not very interesting, but there are some aspects I liked, mostly the acting. Buscemi looks and acts the part of a nerdy college guy. It's all in the slicked-back hair. Unfortunately, Buscemi doesn't really get that many chances to show off, so his performance is only okay. Sedgwick just lets his preppie sweater and tennis duds do all the acting. Moore just looks cute and that's about it. Slater is the best, but he only gets a few good shots. For the majority of the movie he just sits around eating chips watching TV, and it's only till the end he shows off. He over-acts while chopping up the mummy and managed to get a few genuine chuckles out of me. It's too bad that was the end of his role. My final word? Lot 249 is just a throw-away bit and isn't a very good setup for the rest of the stories. Cat from Hell: A hardened hitman (David Johansen) is called in by a rich, old pharmaceutical tycoon (William Hickey) to do a hit right in his mansion...the hit is a black cat. It's revealed that the tycoon's biggest cashcow drug has been made at the expense of thousands of cats' lives. So the cat's a hitman, or a demon, or something. I don't know. The hitman thinks this is a joke but tries to kill the cat anyway. The cat scratches him a couple of times and after the hitman tries everything he has (by now he's feeling hot, hot, hot), he finally figures out that this cat just won't die. The way the cat kills the hitman is interesting to say the least. Okay, it's obviously a puppet, but it's still a pretty cool kill sequence. I mean, how many times do you see a cat going into a guy's mouth and into his stomach? This would be a cool story except for a few problems here and there. First of all, why are all the lights off? This guy wants the cat dead, yet he expects the hitman to be able to find the black cat in the dark? Um, no. The next problem is this hitman is supposed to be at the top of his class, yet he gets pissed off by a cat scratch? C'mon, this guy killed diplomats. The tycoon knew from the very beginning that the cat was evil, yet he didn't just leave (or dare I say sell) the house? Lastly, it's just not too much fun since the cat is indestructible. Acting-wise, Johansen is what keeps this bit together. I can't believe this is the same guy from "Car 54, Where are You?" He also gets a few opportunities to show off his acting abilities and give us a few crazed facial expressions. Hickey does what he does best: look like a fossil and let his scratchy voice do all the work. The problem here is that the gimmick of the movie gets old fast. You'd think that by the fifth scratch that the hitman would've figured out the cat is always going to be hiding under something, but he didn't. Also you're telling me that whenever the cat jumped at him he couldn't just grab it and snap its neck or something? But the biggest thing this bit suffers from is that it doesn't reach its full potential. It could've been a great deathmatch between him and the cat, but it turned out to be just a quick ass-whooping for the hitman. I wanted to see him making elaborate plans to kill the cat, tension when he was looking for the cat in the mansion, him occasionally hurting the cat, more of his rantings, and maybe an all-out brawl between him and the cat for the climax. But alas this bit just lazily falls into a predictable anthology episode. Lover's Vow: After getting shafted by his agent and getting piss drunk, failing artist Preston (James Remar) is on his way home with his friend until they're attacked by a living gargoyle. Preston's friend is dogmeat, but the creature tells Preston that it will spare his life if he promises to tell no one about what happened for as long as he lives. During that same night, Preston meets Caroline (Rae Dawn Chong) and his life seems to be getting better. But he can't forget what happened that night. Will Preston keep his vow or will he confess it to Caroline? Dumb question. It's very predictable, but in this case I didn't mind it. Lover's Vow is easily the best bit in the entire movie, but it still had huge potential that was chucked out the window just for the sake of making each segment an equal 30 minutes long. Lover's Vow manages to pull off a successful horror story and love story at the same time. It starts off with a slick decapitation and cool gargoyle puppet, then we get a strong love story from Remar and Chong. Let me say this, Rae Dawn Chong has the most overrated looks ever. She's just not that good looking. Remar comes out of this movie with easily the best performance. He hits every single one of the emotional notes and I'm wondering why is this guy stuck guest starring in Sex and the City. Rae Dawn Chong is decent, but she seems to be in this movie just for star power and nothing more. This bit ends way too soon. We flash forward ten years and Preston finally tells Caroline what happened, and surprise, Caroline turns out to be the gargoyle. The creature feels betrayed and its only option is to bite Preston in the neck. Love hurts. There are so many plot holes in this bit I could drive a truck through them. How the hell does the gargoyle turn into a person? If their kids were gargoyles, wouldn't some abnormalities have shown up in the birth records? How do you bone a gargoyle? What the hell was the entire point of the promise? None of this is answered, it just ends so the movie can run at a fast 90 minutes, which is a shame since an extra 10 minutes of footage could've done wonders for the story. Wrap-around Story: A housewife (Deborah Harry) is going to cook a little kid and the kid stalls by reading the stories. It's your standard wrap-around story, so naturally it's pretty damn flimsy. Personally, I just don't think that the housewife could've eaten the kid by herself. She must've been having company for dinner or something. When I first saw Debbie Harry, I thought to myself "Holy crap, that's Blondie?!" She looks a helluva lot different with that Leave it to Beaver mom getup. Harry plays the housewife with an upbeat attitude, but she's mostly just there to tell the kid it's almost time to cook him and mess around with kitchen utensils. The kid was just filler, and pretty damn annoying too. "Wait! I have one more story!" C'mon, who would honestly fall for that crap? The way he gets the upper hand is pretty dumb too. He just happens to have a bunch of marbles in his pocket and the housewife trips on them, making her fall directly on a bunch of sharp meat hooks and the kid pushes her into the oven. The kid then eats some Chips Ahoy. As much as I'd like to rip into the fact that you'd have to have piss poor balance to fall on marbles, the fact is the wrap-around story is just average, meaning that pretty much all wrap-around stories suck. Tales From the Darkside's biggest flaw is that it's just too predictable and the stories never reach their full potential. The film also pales in comparison to other anthology movies like Amazing Stories and Creepshow. If you really have a craving for an anthology movie, then Tales From the Darkside will be a decent viewing, but it'll feel like an extended, generic episode of the series. |
| Rating: ** |
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