hahahahah... I'm not fixin' my tyyyyyypos.... I sent you a card and a couple nice surprises and my little girl and my man also did, but I had to send you an email to say HAPPY BIRTHSAY too... and sometime I'll type "brthday" right hahaah... I STILL can't.,.. what is it with my finges tonight...
H-A-P-P-Y B-I-TR lmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaao
what is wrong with me tnoight??? HAPPY BIRTHDAT... rrrrrrrr. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! THERE! I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's so nice and cool in this house... the cool air just comes in from the woods and goes through this house... brian's and my bedroom is like a sleeping porch, and guess what? we might BOTH sleep in it tonight, lmaaaao...
No... we slept together this week but GOd it's been the worst week, we had probably our longest drawn out argument we've ever had...
It all started last weekend, really... Saturday morning I got up and brian was already outr (i'm sorry christy... I'm tired and can barely capitalize and I'm not ghoing back and correcting typos, so i hope you can decipher this)...anyway saturday morning i think it was I got up and brian and becca were already out walking, and they come in and her knee's scraped. OK, no biggie... she's three... she gets ahead of her llittle legs sometimes and falls down... that doesn't bother me, god I used to be worse...
So I have to work Monday and tuesday (commencement was tues nite) and so brian keeps becca at home with him, and she wants to go out walking with Daddy... and I told Brian "I'll leave my cel on the counter and check in with you." SO I call around lunch... no answer.... call back... no answer... and I KNOW what's happened... he's gone out with her and left it on the counter! Well monday there were these flash storms moving through the area, strong winds and rain, flooding, trees down, all that, and I'm FRaKING (lmaaaaaao....) FREAKING christy... so I got home and there they are. "Brian, where were you two anyway?" "I told you we were going out walking before lunch and then we came back and went into town and got lunch." And i was like "Why didn't you take the phone?" And he goes "Margo, nothing's gonna happen. Calm down."
Welllllll, as you know, the LAST THING he wants to say to me is "Calm down"... I went ballistic, Christy... "DON'T TAKE MY LITTLE GIRL OUT INTO THE WOODS UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE CEL PHONE ALONG!!!" And he goes "Why not? I've lived 44 years without carrying one of those things and I've never had a problem." ANd I said "maybe so... but you've never had a daughter brian... and kids get into things, things happen, no matter how careful you are with a three-year-old, things still happen... and what if something finally DOES happen to you." And he goes "Margo I'm not some kind of klutz... I know what I'm doing out there" and I said "I'm not saying you don't. I'm saying SHE DOESN'T." And he goes "Well, she's with me and she'll be fine." And I said "Brian if you're not gonna take the phone along I don't want you taking her out. OK? don't take her along if you're not gonna take the phone. It's one thing if you're going out alone, I know you like to get all rustic and you have issues with the cel phone, all that. But if you're taking MY DAUGHTER out there, YOU WILL CARRY THAT PHONE." And he just goes "No I won't. And why don't you trust me to be able to take care of MY DAUGHTER???" He goes "She's never going to learn to take care of herself if she's always got the lifeline of a phone with her." and he's going on and on about cel phones and how he gets tired of seeing people out there with them, they can't go anywhere without them, all that... and I stop him, I go BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN... LISTEN: I get what you're saying. BUT THIS ISN'T OUTWARD BOUND! If you're with Becca out on the trail and you fall and something happens or SHE falls or gets bit or something happens, what are you going to do? i realize we're not in the high sierras but if something happens-- and he goes NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, MARGO!!! And I go HOW DO YOU KNOW??? And he says "If you walk around out there thinking something might happen, you're just inviting trouble." to which I replied "If you walk around out there with a three year old thinking NOTHING could happen, you're REALLY inviting trouble"
He's making it all about TRUST when all it is, is SHE'S THREE FUCKING YEARS OLD!!! And she's my little girl... I don't want anything to happen to her. I know Brian isn't out there rappelling with her.... he usually carries her on his shoulders. She;s totally safe with him. but I still want to know. And you know me I'm not one of those people who's a worst case scenario kind of person... but I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her or him out there. And I want to be able to reach them if I need to, and most importantly I NEED HIM to be able to reach me or reach help if something happens. ESPECIALLY IF SHE'S WITH HIM!!!!
But he's going "i can't believe you don't trust me. jesus, how long have you known me, anyway?"
Totally missing the point. Making it like it's me against him when all it is, is, I want to know he's safe and that Becca's safe. That's all. why is that so hard to understand????
I told him again Brian, you will NOT take Becca out unless you take that phone along. ok? that's all there is to it. if you won't take it, I'll give it to her and teach her to use it. And he goes "What makes you think you can MAKE me carry that phone?"
THAT was when I wanted to kill him.
We really got into it: screaming, yelling at each other... Becca came out from bed and she was crying... we said some horrible things to each other... I was bawling... I said BRIAN I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE BECCA AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOU'RE ALL RIGHT! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND??? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DON'T BE SO FUCKING STUBBORN!!!
This was Monday night... So TUesday I worked my plan: I took her along with me to school and kept her with me all day, all the way through the graduation ceremonies... didn't come home for dinner... I told Tina "If ~~HE!!~~ calls, buzz me before you send his call through." He called five times that day and I just let it ring, didn't return his calls. I was like, fuck him, let HIM see what it's like to wonder what might be happening with becca and me. Even though we were just at school... well, I get home and he's like "Are you done throwing a fit??" I said "What do you mean?" "Well I called your office a bunch of times today and you didn't pick up. I know you were there." And I said "Yeah I was there. Why should I pick up? I'm an adult. Why do you need to check in on me all day? I've lived 44 years without some GUY checking in on me five times a day... I don't need to start now. I'm not some klutz. Becca's safe with me at school. nothing's gonna happen. God, calm down."
that produced another chilly night but that must have gotten him thinking... wednesday we were just both around the house, i was doing my thing, he did his, he went out for a walk without the phone to Prove He Could. Fine. Go walk asshole, lmaaaao
Finally Wed night after we put becca to bed he came in and cuddled up with me and said "i'm sorry margo" And i said "I know you brian... you kiss up sometimes just to smooth things over. And really I don't give a shit if you're sorry. I don't want an apology. What I want is this: the next time you go out hiking with OUR little girl, you take the cel phone. I love you and I trust you, and I doubt very seriously that you'll need it. But in the awful unlikely event that something DOES happen, I want you to be able to CALL me. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
He said "I really don't want to, but for you I will."
Really that just pissed me off all over again... after we go through three days of the worst fighting and chilliness and tension we've ever gone through, he says that, which he could've said at the beginning... PLUS he still doesn't get it. God I was pissed. So now he's ALL contrite... which pisses me off almost as much... I was like Brian all I care is that you can get hold of me if something happens to you and becca out there. save your energy. you gave me the right answer: you'll take it along. just don't say anything else for now ok, stop trying to act all lovey-dovey. You're in the doghouse. just go chill and try thinking about why you think that you're doing this for me, OK? and why you had to be all stubborn about this whole thing, and why you didn't say what you just said to me back when this all started instead of waiting three days. You know?
I swear he sees his Mom pussywhipping his Dad and he thinks if he does something he doesn't want to or that wasn't his idea ~at my suggestion~ that he's gonna end up whipped like his dad... i told him that too... he said "I do not" And i said "OK, so I'm full of shit, it's like i said, I don't care, brian... all I care is that you can reach me if you need to when you have becca. OK? THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT." and he said "I told you I'll take the phone along next time all right?" And I said "Serious bri... think about it... you couldve just said that on monday. think about that little girl in there. there's a lot of things I would never do if it was just me, or even just me and you, but you bring her into the picture and everything changes. so you're not doing it for ME, you're doing it for HER. do you understand???"
He understood.
i know brian and I know what he responds to. I just said i'm sorry if i got a little loud and mean but she's OUR LITTLE GIRL Bri... I have wanted to have her since the moment I met you. She is the most precious thing in the world to me. He said "Me too" And i said all right. just remember that when you're gonna take her out and you see that phone on the counter.
So now things are back to normal... i felt so drained all day today and tonight and I couldnt figure out why... it was all this, really. just the most stupid fight and I hate to say it but it's his fault... actually no i DON"T hate to say it, because (1) it's true and (2) he knows it. He said today "I could've just said I'd take it along on Monday; I don't know why i didn't." And I said "Because you don't like the cel phone, and to you going out in the woods is an escape from all that, and you want to pass that along to our daughter, and teach her to be self reliant and not scared of life and living and not be walking around worrying about the worst thing that could possibly happen to her. Right?" And he's like "Yeah. But i get what you're saying. if you had becca and something happened, I would want to know as soon as it happened so that I could be there. Right?"
So after four days we finally see each other's point of view and all's well... so maybe I'll get a nice little jump tonight, lmaaaao.
God I've been typing for almost an hour and a half... and there I thought I was tired. In less than 20 minutes it will actually BE your birthday. I hope you have a good and happy and relaxing one... just think... your next birthday, you'll be a mom again.
You're my best friend Christy... i hope you're blessed with health and happiness not only on your birthday but always. I love you.
And I'm going to shut this thing off now woman and watch the end of the Os game with brian... then go to bed. I'll call you tomorrow.... night night xoxoxoxox me
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