JERRY: Hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show.
AUDIENCE cheers.
JERRY: Tonight we have three very special guests in our studio. Firstly, we have Neo, a.k.a. Thomas A. Anderson.
NEO stands up and nods to the crowd, who go wild.
JERRY: Neo has a pressing problem. He is the One and has to save humanity, but he has some... personal problems that are interfering.
TRINITY stands up, offended already.
TRINITY: A problem? Is that all I am to you, a problem?!
TRINITY glares at NEO as the AUDIENCE goes �ooh�.
JERRY: Secondly, we have Trinity, a leather-clad hacker babe, who is in love with Neo. . . at least, she was at the start of our show.
The AUDIENCE sniggers appreciatively.
TRINITY looks daggers at JERRY, who carries on blithely.
JERRY: And our last guest tonight is none other than . . . Agent Smith, a sentient program designed to kill all rebels!
AGENT SMITH scowls at the crowd, who mutter nasty comments.
AUDIENCE: Boo!
AGENT SMITH pulls a gun and shoots a member of the audience in the head.
NEO: You see that? *he looks to the AUDIENCE for support* That is what I have to deal with every day!
THE ORACLE stands up from the audience and calls down to NEO with a suggestive leer.
THE ORACLE: You tell �em, baby!
TRINITY taps NEO roughly on the shoulder.
TRINITY: And what the hell was that, lover boy?!
JERRY: Hey, calm down, you�ll all get your chance to speak. Agent Smith, why are you so intent on destroying this hardworking young hacker and his companions?
AGENT SMITH infuriatingly slowly SAYS: I�m just doing my job.
NEO YELLS: You�re killing innocent people!
AGENT SMITH: And you�re not?
TRINITY: Hey! You leave my man alone!
AGENT SMITH: Maybe your man is just looking for some more action!
TRINITY steps back, one hand on her hip, the other pointed at AGENT SMITH.
TRINITY: Nuh uh! My man is sat-is-fied!
JERRY: Hey! Let�s not get ahead of ourselves!
AGENT SMITH: If your man was, as you say, �sat-is-fied�, then how come he goes out of his way to work all hours of the day and night?
TRINITY pulls a gun and shoots AGENT SMITH in the head.
TRINITY: Bite me!
We see the sentient program terminate and one of the audience members begins to tremble as AGENT SMITH takes over them.
AGENT SMITH: It�s not as easy as all that, as you can see.
TRINITY looks as if she�d happily do it again.
NEO takes the gun off her.
NEO: Uh, can I get a word in here?
AGENT SMITH: The sooner i get rid of you people the sooner i can get out of here.
NEO: Hey, I said I wanted to speak!
NEO shoots AGENT SMITH with TRINITY�S gun. However, AGENT SMITH ducks and the bullet hits the man behind him.
THE MAN lets out a strangled cry as he slides to the ground. His last words are: Not like this. Not like this!
THE WOMAN beside him leans down, asking: Why?
THE MAN: That damn gypsy told me I�d die in my bed, surrounded by grieving grandchildren!
CLOSEUP on the MAN, who gives the camera the finger.
THE MAN: Screw you . . . Madame . . . Zora . . .
JERRY: Unfortunately, we must go to a commercial break, but we�ll be right back after these messages. Don�t go anywhere.
CUT TO COMMERCIALS.
*1st COMMERCIAL: A brown-suited man is walking down the street, when he is stopped by a slob in jeans and t-shirt.
SLOB: Say, Joe, you�re looking much happier. Killed the wife?
JOE: No, Bob, I bought this new suit!
SLOB admires the suit: Hmmm, that looks awfully familiar!
JOE: Yes, it�s the polyester-patented AGENT SMITH suit!
SLOB: Wow, Joe!
JOE: Yes, it comes in several attractive, slimming shades of BROWN! Everyone�s wearing them!
Camera pans out revealing a street full of people all ages wearing the AGENT SMITH suit.
*2nd COMMERCIAL: A MAN and a WOMAN are sitting on the beach, with a black duffel bag between them.
MAN: I feel so much more BAD-ASS today!
WOMAN: I know what you mean!
PASSERBY look at them suspiciously.
MAN: It�s the glasses! You are so Trinity, honey!
A PASSERBY mistakes his comment and turns out to be AGENT SMITH.
AGENT SMITH shoots WOMAN in the head, but the BULLET rebounds off her SUNGLASSES.
WOMAN: Whoa!
A slogan appears upon the screen saying: The Official Matrix Sunglasses. Buy them now.
COMMERCIALS FINISH.
The scene re-opens on NEO and TRINITY sitting beside each other, not exactly reconciled. The AUDIENCE savours every pissed-off glare NEO gives TRINITY.
JERRY: TRINITY, perhaps you�d like to explain exactly why you are feeling slighted.
TRINITY: Well!
NEO rolls his eyes and mutters: Here we go . . .
TRINITY: I am in love with this man. I wait a whole hour and a half to tell him this, and just when i�m about to, this, this deranged computer program with serious issues interrupts and tries to kill him!
TRINITY stands up and points at AGENT SMITH.
TRINITY: If you would just leave humanity alone, maybe we could get a little peace around here!
AGENT SMITH: Oh, and yyyuuuuou�re implying that yyyyuuuuour screwed-up relationship is my fault?
NEO stands up and glares at TRINITY.
NEO: If you would just let me do my job, i would kill this guy and we could all live happily ever after. But no, you�re all up in my face with your �Highest Ranking Officer� s**t!
(The censor edits out the inappropriate word)
NEO looks up at the beep, affronted.
NEO yells to the crowd: You heard what I said! I said f**k her attitude!
AUDIENCE screams appreciatively in favour of NEO.
AUDIENCE: YEAH!!!
JERRY: Uh, Mr. Anderson, please stick to the acceptable language.
NEO: My name . . . is Neo!
NEO waves a gun threateningly at JERRY, who cowers behind a chair.
TRINITY stands up and begins to shout at AGENT SMITH.
TRINITY: You see this??? This is all your fault!
TRINITY picks up her chair and hurls it towards AGENT SMITH. He ducks quickly and the chair takes down an audience member.
NEO: Trinity, stop avoiding the issue here!
TRINITY: Avoiding the issue?! I�ll show you avoiding the issue!
TRINITY shoves NEO, making the AUDIENCE leap to it�s feet in condemnation.
THE WOMAN IN THE RED DRESS throws a piece of lacy underclothing at NEO.
NEO shoves TRINITY back, and they stand there, glaring at one another as AGENT SMITH gets the WOMAN IN THE RED DRESS� phone number.
AGENT SMITH: Can i please kill everyone now? My schedule is running late. I was supposed to kill NEO half and hour ago.
TRINITY: You keep your hands off my man!
AGENT SMITH: If I did, I�d be the only one who hasn�t had my hands on him lately!
AUDIENCE: Oooh.
TRINITY: You listen here, you keep your guns away from him!
NEO: I can handle this, TRINITY!
TRINITY: I believe you�re going to need my help!
NEO: Don�t give me any of that �I believe� s**t here! You�re not on that stupid ship now, Miss Second-In-Command!
Meanwhile, AGENT SMITH pulls out his gun and aims for NEO.
TRINITY: You keep away, you hear me?!
NEO: I am trying to save the world here TRINITY, will you let me do my job?!
AGENT SMITH: Say goodbye, Mr Anderson.
Meanwhile, TRINITY moves swiftly to the side of AGENT SMITH and as he cocks his gun, she says: DODGE THIS, ASSHOLE!!
The AUDIENCE howls happily at the well-loved line as AGENT SMITH leaves the host body and enters . . . JERRY!
NEO: Can�t i do anything for myself?!
AGENT SMITH/JERRY looks towards the camera and the screen changes to a message saying:
Due to technical difficulties, we have had to cut to a commercial in advance.
UPDATE:
As yet, NEO and TRINITY have not reconciled their differences. Hurrah!
Due to a case of extreme lateness, AGENT SMITH had to leave the show and return to his interrogation.
We have yet to determine the whereabouts of JERRY SPRINGER, and we are unsure of exactly when humanity will be freed.
Matrix: Rewritten
Past Endeavours