Fred and Annie
By Leigh
The endearing tales of a legless girl and her pony, which I wrote in the margins of my schoolbooks during class time. Guess, the, classes! Once again we see the influence of Mrs Keys. Anyway, I was going to find some apples or legs or shit to go on here, but then I thought, to hell with it; I've got hands.
Hey, I never said they were any good at anything.
Story One.
Once upon a time there was a pony, and the pony's name was Fred. Fred was a nice pony. He was very smart, and he had a shiny, brown coat. Fred had a black mane and tail. Fred's favourite food is apples. Fred's cellphone number is 61 25 245 2775. If you would like to call, I�m sure Fred would be happy. Fred's favourite food is apples. You can send him apples and he will want to love you forever, just like in the song. Fred is owned by a little girl named Annie. Annie was a nice little girl until the accident. Then she became grumpy. Annie likes apples too. If you want you can send her some apples and she will be less grumpy. Annie and Fred share apples sometimes. Annie had a cellphone, but Fred stood on it one day. He was jealous of it. If Annie had legs, I'm sure she would have stood on Fred's phone in retaliation. Fred and Annie go riding every day. They are the best of friends. One day Annie will get a new phone. The End.
Story Two.
One day Fred and Annie were on a trail ride. Annie's parents let her go with just her and Fred, but they were worried because of Annie's lack of legs, which would make it hard for her to get up if she fell down. Nevertheless, Annie and Fred rode merrily down the trail. Suddenly, Fred's cellphone rang. Annie answered it, because although Annie has no legs, Fred has no hands. It was Fred's mother, Sheryl. Sheryl wanted to know if Fred had been eating right, and if he was seeing anyone nice. She hinted that she wanted grandchildren before she died. Due to another accident of a different variety, Fred has a secret love child, so even though she doesn't know it, Sheryl already is a grandmother. Now, Fred only has eyes for Annie. No, not in that way. He just could never bear to leave Annie. They are the best of friends. One day Annie will buy a new phone. But for now she will talk to Sheryl on Fred's. The End.
Story Three.
Once upon a time Fred and Annie were at school watching a movie about hemogoblins, and Fred did not like this. Fred said, "I do not like this." Then he said, "Can I have an apple?" Fred chomped on his apple, which Annie coveted, and she expressed this by screaming, "I want one!!" Then Mrs Keys frowned at Fred and Annie and told them, "No talking during the video! No apples for YOU!" Then Mrs Keys said, "How do you like THEM apples?!" Fred likes apples, but not them apples. Fred bit Mrs Keys. Fred doesn't like it when people take away his apples. Then Fred's cellphone rang and Annie answered it. It was Fred's mother, Sheryl, but the recently-chomped-on Mrs Keys confiscated it. Annie was going to chase Mrs Keys and bite her, if only Annie had legs. And besides, Sheryl wanted to know if Mrs Keys was a pony, and was she attached, and was she attractive? Mrs Keys answered, "No," to all three. Fred and Annie rode out of the classroom, towards the sunset. Fred and Annie are the best of friends, and soon they will both buy new phones. The End
Story Four
Once upon a time, Fred and Annie were eating icecream. Fred said, �I�m eating icecream.� And then Annie said, �Yes, I too am eating ice cream.� They were both eating ice cream. It was tasty ice cream, and Fred licked his enthusiastically. Suddenly Fred�s cellphone rang and Annie answered it. It was Sheryl, Fred�s mother. She told him to stop eating icecream because it rots your teeth, but Fred didn�t listen. He ate his icecream anyway. The next day, all Fred�s teeth fell out. Annie quickly phoned the vet, who gave them the number of a good pony dentist. The dentist was very contrite that he couldn�t put Fred�s old teeth back in. Fred had to get false teeth. They fit him nicely and now Fred had a dashing smile. Annie asked the dentist if he made false legs. Fred�s teeth looked so nice, and she thought that since her legs fell off and Fred�s teeth had fallen OUT, he might be able to make her a set of false legs. Dentists don�t make legs, however, so Annie went home legless. Fred put all his teeth out for the tooth fairy, and she brought him lots of money so Fred bought Annie a new phone. They are the best of friends. The End.
Story Five.
One day Sheryl was visiting Fred and Annie. Sheryl is a very nice pony, all grown up, and she likes to make sure of Fred�s eating habits. After they discovered Fred�s allergy to ice cream, Sheryl decided that he would only eat what she said he would. Fred did not like this very much, but his mother said that he was allowed to eat apples, so Fred was happy. Fred and Sheryl were eating their apple pie, while Annie was busy playing with her phone. Suddenly, it rang, and a voice said, �Hello, Annie. Do you know who this is?� Annie was very startled and looked around her. �No,� she said to them, �But you sound OLD.� The voice sounded a little surprised. Annie hung up, because she doesn�t know anyone with a deep voice. Fred and Sheryl only have their pony voices, which aren�t very deep at all. Then the phone rang again. Sheryl frowned this time - she doesn�t like having dinner interrupted. Annie answered. It was the same person. He said, �I want to you go to the room at the end of the hall. Stay low,� But Annie said, �That�s Mummy and Daddy�s room. I�m not allowed in THERE!� With that, she hung up the phone again, and Fred stood on it. Fred and Annie are the best of friends, and one day Annie will get a new phone. The End.
Story Six.
Once upon a time Annie was pondering the fact that she has no legs, but Fred came and interrupted her. He said, �Can I have an apple?� Annie gave him an apple, and took one for herself. She bit into it, and then she pulled a nasty face. She looked at the apple, and saw a little green worm in it. Annie yelled and threw it across the room. Unfortunately, it hit Fred in the ears. He frowned at Annie and spat his apple at her. He would have thrown it, put ponies haven�t got hands. Annie yelled at Fred, and wanted to chase him, but chasing is only possible when you have feet to chase with. Instead, Annie grabbed Fred�s phone and called his mother. Sheryl told Fred off, but not for long because she was busy on the other line with a man who wanted her to go to the room at the end of the hall. So Sheryl hung up on Annie. Annie poked her tongue at Fred. Fred poked his tongue at Annie. Annie handed him a new apple, and got one for herself. Together they ate their apples while watching tv. Fred likes tv, as all ponies do. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. One day Annie will get a new phone. The End.
Story Seven.
One day Fred and Annie were riding along, eating apples. Suddenly, Fred decided that he didn�t like eating and walking at the same time, so he stopped. Annie fell down. Annie fell down and then she couldn�t get up. �Fred!� she shouted. Fred looked at her. He attempted to pick Annie up with his teeth and throw him over his withers, but he only got Annie half a metre off the ground before her jersey ripped and she fell face down in the dirt. Annie tried to move herself along by clawing her way across the ground, but soon her arms got tired and anyway, she looked like a mad zombie from a horror movie that refuses to die. Fred gave her an apple, which she ate. Then they decided that unless they did something they could be stuck in the middle of nowhere for hours. Fred tried to go for help, but he has a bad sense of direction, so he ended up sitting in a nearby creek. It was up to Annie. Mustering all her will power, Annie invented The Invisible Legs. Using these legs, she was able to lift herself back into Fred�s saddle. They are the best of friends. One day Annie will get another new phone. The End.
Story Eight.
One day Fred and Annie were fighting the forces of evil in a holy battle. Annie, however, suffered an injury to her left invisible leg, so they had to return home again. When they got there they discovered that Annie's parents had been kidnapped by the evil Mr Freeze and the wicked Dr Robotnik. Arming themselves with many apples, Fred and Annie decided to save the parents. They found Mr and Mrs Legless (Annie's parents - quite ironic, really) tied to chairs in an old abandonned warehouse. The evil Mr Freeze and Dr Robotnik emerged from the shadows and just as Mr Freeze was about to fire The Ray Of Doom, an apple hit him squarely between the eyes. "Hurrah!" cried the parents. Then, in a heroic feat, Annie used her right invisible leg to beat Dr Robotnik about the head. Soon he was restrained, and the bad guys were left for the authorities to deal with. The good guys all went home and had apple pie. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. One day soon they will both get new phones. The End.
Story Nine.
One day Fred and Annie were buying fish and chips. Fred liked chips, but he didn't like fish. Annie liked fish, but she didn't like chips. As you can see, it worked out quite nicely. They received their din-dins from the nice man behind the counter, who gave them a FREE PACKET OF SAUCE! Fred complained because he wanted apples with his chips, but Annie said "NO!". They began to walk home. Suddenly, Fred turned around to see the fish and chip shop had sprouted LEGS and was walking along behind them. The nice man from behind the counter was waving through the door. Annie cried because the Fish and Chip Shop had legs and she didn't. Fred used his cellphone to call animal control. They came and put the recalcitrant Fish and Chip shop in a big van and took it to the pound. Fred bought Annie a new cellphone to cheer her up. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. Now Annie has a new phone. The End.
Story Ten.
Once upon a time Fred and Annie were sitting down eating apples. They were nice apples. They were crunchy apples. They were WONDERFUL apples. They were... Well, you get the picture. Annie used her new cellphone to call The Apple Shop to order more apples. Soon they arrived and Fred and Annie ate all of them, too. They felt sick. Eating too many apples is bad for ponies and legless girls alike. Annie picked up her cellphone to order more, determined to defy her nausea for sweet, sweet apple treats. Fred, however, didn't want her to. As any good pony knows, people die all the time from an overdose of apples. He stood on Annie's phone to prevent this. Annie used her invisible legs to stomp on Fred's phone, finally able to take her revenge. Fred cried. Annie cried. They are the best of friends. One day soon they will both get new phones because cellphones are an important part of their friendship. The End.
Story Eleven.
Fred looked at Annie. Annie looked at Fred. They both looked at the last apple. Then they both looked at each other again. And THEN they both looked at the apple. And then they looked at each other once more. And then they looked at the apple again. And THEN they both looked at each other again, and THEN they both looked at the last apple. Then they looked at each other. Without breaking eye-contact, they both snatched for the apple. However, since neither Fred nor Annie were looking where they were reaching, they both knocked the apple to the floor. It exploded into a million pieces. Then there was no apple so Fred and Annie both said, "Oh dearie me." Then they forgot about the apples and turned on the television. Their favourite show was on on tv - "The Adventures of Sticky the Stick." "I wish I was a stick," said Fred. "Yeah, me too," said Annie. They are the best of friends. One day they will have new phones. The End.
Story Twelve.
One day Mr and Mrs Legless were shopping in the supermarket. Fred and Annie were waiting in the car. Fred had to wait in the backseat because ponies take up a lot of space. This meant that Annie had to sit in the boot, because there was nowhere else she could fit. While Mr and Mrs Legless were touring the aisles, Fred reached over and switched on the radio with his hoof. He started to sing along, but he had a hard time keeping up with Eminem, so he changed the station. Annie doesn�t like hard rock, which was now playing, so she tried to climb over the seat (and over Fred) to switch the radio off. She couldn�t quite reach, and she fell down. Fred sat on her. Now he was able to listen to the melodious tunes of Rob Zombie without interruption. Mr and Mrs Legless came out of the supermarket and told them both off. Annie looked like a cartoon that has had an anvil dropped on it. 2D. Mr Legless said, �No apples for you two!� Fred and Annie sat in silence all the way home. They are the best of friends, even though Annie looked flat. One day they will get new phones. The End.
Story Thirteen.
One day while Fred and Annie were watching �The Adventures of Sticky the Stick,� they saw a competition advertised. They decided to enter, and so they ate as many apples as could, saving the seeds. That was the competition, of course - �Send us your seeds!� Eight to Ten weeks later, Annie struggled to the door. She opened it to find Sticky himself. �Congratulations!� he said, �You are the winners of our seed competition! You have won a year�s supply of apples!� Annie was so excited at the thought that she slammed the door in Sticky�s face. She ran to tell Fred. Or... Rather... she clawed her way across the floor like a mad weasel to get to Fred, because her Invisible Legs were in the shop, getting a tune up. Fred and Annie forgot about Sticky, but they didn�t forget about the apples. Poor Sticky was waiting four days and five nights for them to open the door and find him. When they found him, Fred and Annie revived him with apples. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. They like apples, and one day they will get new phones. The End.
Story Fourteen.
Once upon a time it was Annie�s birthday. The morning dawned bright and clear. Annie had been wishing upon wish for apples, and now the morning was here she awoke to find Fred standing at the foot of her bed, carrying a nicely-wrapped box in his mouth. Let me tell you, climbing the stairs up to Annie�s room is no easy task for a pony. Fred gave Annie her present. She shook it. She put her ear to it. She banged it and flanged it and rattled it and battled it and threw it across the room. (Annie likes to try and guess her presents, you see.) Finally, she could stand the suspense no longer. Annie grabbed her present and ripped it open.... To find more wrapping. She tore this, too, and another, than another, and another, and another. Then she arrived at a box. It looked like an apple box, but it didn�t smell like one. Annie cautiously peeked into the box to see what Fred and given to her... And saw a nice pair of shoes. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. One day they will have new phones. The End.
Story Fifteen.
Cellphone shopping. Yes, the day had arrived. It was a nice day. It was a day of niceness. The day was nice. And cellphones. What cellphones there were! Blue ones, red ones, yellow ones too, square ones, round ones, phones for you! At least, that�s what the sign out front said. Annie couldn�t decide which phone to buy. Neither could Fred. Fred is a pony. A nice pony. But not a pony that is good at making decisions. He enquired if there were any apple-flavoured phones. There were not. Annie saw a nice phone. It was black and shiny and it folded up. The Fred stood on it. It was no longer for sale. Annie finally decided on a nice, apple-green phone. Then it was no longer for sale. It had developed a hoof-shaped dent. Fred looked around the shop for a long time. He liked the looks of the phone with the candy inside, but that one didn�t work. Mrs Legless got sick of waiting and chose phones for Fred and Annie. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. Now they have matching phones. The End.
Story Sixteen.
Once upon a time Fred and Annie won a trip to �StickWorld - Home of Sticky the Stick,� so they took a plane ride on Fred and Annie Airlines. They were eating their airline food. It was crunchy. It was delicious. It was delightful. It was apples. Anyway, they were eating their airline food, when Fred started to throw his around. It hit the man in front. He turned around, and who could it be but the hero of our heroes, Sticky the Stick. They apologised and he said, �That�s okay, I love apples!� �Wow, us too!� said both Fred and Annie. They became good friends with Sticky the Stick. When they got off the plane, Sticky the Stick walked with them. He talked with them. He stole their new phones and ran away. Fred Annie are the best of friends. One day they will hunt down Sticky the Stick for sport. One day they will buy new phones. The End.
L'histoire dix-sept.
1. Un jour Fred et Annie, il mangent les pommes. Ils trouvent les pommes sont bon go�t. Annie va au le cin�ma, elle regarde les pictures de les pommes. Les pictures, il est tr�s grand. Ils rendu Annie affam�. Elle mange plus pommes. Fred mange les pommes aussi. Fred et Annie sont les meilleurs des amis. Un jour ils ach�teront les phones nouveaux. Finir.
Literal translation:
1. One day Fred and Annie, they eat apples. They find the apples are tasty. Annie goes to
the movies, she looks at the pictures of apples. The pictures are very big. They make
Annie hungry. She eats more apples. Fred eats apples too. Fred and Annie are the best of
friends. One day they will buy new phones. To Finish.
(I could have written The Finish, but TO Finish sounds so much better don't you think?)
L'histoire dix-huit.
2. Un jour, ce matin, Fred et Annie ils sont all�s � la patinoire, mais Fred devrais rester � la porte, parce qu'il est un cheval, et les chassures sont trop petite pour ses pieds. Fred � les grands pieds. Fred mange un pomme. Il n'a pas de heureux. Ils vont � la maison de Annie. Ils mangent plus pommes. Fred et Annie sont les meilleurs des amis. Un jour ils ach�teront les phones nouveaux. Finir.
Literal Translation:
One day, in the morning, Fred and Annie went to the skating rink,
but Fred stayed at the door because he is a horse, and the shoes are too small for his feet.
Fred has big feet. Fred eats an apple. He is not happy. They go to the house of Annie.
They eat more apples. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. One day they will buy new
phones. To Finish.
Story Nineteen.
One day Fred and Annie heard a knock at the door. It sounded a bit like �knock, knock, knock,� and Fred likes that sound, so he went to see who was knocking. The next day, when Fred still hadn�t returned from answering the door, little legless Annie began to worry. She went to the door, using the Invisible Legs, and found nothing but a lone apple. No, wait. It was not one apple, but a trail of apples! Annie followed the trail and found Fred passed out beneath the apple tree. �Who was at the door?� asked Annie. Fred said, �It was a giant dancing apple. He told me to come an eat these fermented apples until I passed out.� �Fair enough,� said Annie. �Yes, fair enough,� echoed Fred absently. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. One day they will get new phones. The End.
Story Twenty.
Once upon a time Fred and Annie went to Vegas. They got bored and caught a plane out of the place they went out of - wherever that is. Fred was soon carted away by the Lonely Pony Casino�s security guards after making inappropriate advances at a slot machine. I do not think that means what he thinks it means. Inconceivable. Annie, however, had no such luck. She was doomed to spend the night consuming one margarita after another. The next morning Annie awoke with a bad hangover. And a husband. Yes, that�s right, the evil megalomaniac lizard from outer space, Frieza. Remember? After his battle with Goku, but before his shoddy reconstruction, Frieza found himself with only one single solitary limb. An arm. And so our legless hero found herself a legless husband. But sadly, it was not to be. As Frieza awoke, his torso leapt out of bed horrified at what had taken place. �Monkey!� he cried. �I have married an inferior ape!� Annie chased after him on the invisible legs, but she could not change his mind. They were promptly divorced. Meanwhile, Fred was sitting in his jail cell with a surly man named Francesca. He amused himself by trying to stay away from this man, and by trying to chew through the cell bars. Eventually Annie was a single girl again and she bailed Fred out. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. They spent all their money gambling and cannot buy new cellphones. The End.
Story Twenty-One.
Once upon a time Fred, the loveable pony, and Annie, the little girl with no legs, were bored out of their minds. And no wonder. They were in the science class of Keys. Mrs Keys. Finally, their boredom incited them to rally the class, who seized Mrs Keys and marched her to the front of the school where she was subjected to horrible things involving apples. But soon they were bored of that, too. So they left Mrs Keys tied to that tree (where to this day she remains) and went home. Tra la la. Yes. Home. The place of home-ness. Where you are home. And Fred and Annie were. Home, that is. Where they were greeted by Fred�s mother Sheryl, who was baking apple pie. But then Sheryl realised that she does not live with Fred and Annie. Annie�s mother chased her out with a broom. This story has gone completely off track. Probably because it never had a track to start with. Fred and Annie are just bored. And so am I. They are the best of friends. With no phones. The End.
Story Twenty-Two.
One day Fred and Annie were attacked by a monkey. He jumped out of a flower, pointing his ray-gun (NB: Not a euphemism) and shouted in a hysterical, high-pitched voice, �I am Agent Number Nine! The Professor has sent me to escort you to his lair!� Then, the spandex-wearing monkey raced along the bridle track, gun held high, looking like a crazy monkey. Which he was. When Fred and Annie reached the Professor�s lair they found him sprawled on the ground shouting, �Help! I�ve fallen and I can�t get up! Help me, oh, help me Fred and Annie!� So they helped him up. And then he sent them on their way with an apple each for being good little girl scouts. Agent Number Nine escorted them back to their house. Then he came inside and had milk and cookies. There was a risky moment when Annie�s mother, Mrs Legless, was nearly shot with the ray-gun, but after that it went along nicely. Soon Agent Number Nine fell asleep. Fred shaved off his eyebrows. Shortly after that our monkey friend woke and went home none-the-wiser. Fred and Annie are the best of friends. Never fall asleep in their presence. The End.
As in anim�, the ending is a cryptic tra-nigma (tragic enigma).
Past Endeavours