The Keys' Questions

By Leigh and Courtney



Once upon a time - fourth form - there was Mrs Keys. The science teacher. "Are there any questions?" Oh yes, there ARE.

1. Mrs Keys, what is the matrix?

2. Mrs Keys, what do you like best about the taste of human flesh?

3. Mrs Keys, where have all the cowboys gone?

4. Mrs Keys, if he were to materialise in the classroom, would you bow down and worship the Prince of Darkness?

5. Mrs Keys, are you lost in the circuits of time?

6. Mrs Keys, were you a pirate in a past life?

7. Mrs Keys, are you a pirate in this life?

8. Mrs Keys, will you be representing your country at the Olympics?

9. Mrs Keys, where are you really from?

10. Mrs Keys, if the class was marooned on a desert island, who would we eat first?

11. Mrs Keys, why did you try to steal Christmas?

12. Mrs Keys, where do babies come from?

13. Mrs Keys, are potatoes flammable?

14. Mrs Keys, who is the baddest man in the whole damn town?

15. Mrs Keys, can we commit atrocities in your name?

16. Mrs Keys, may we borrow your guise to roam the astral realms?

17. Mrs Keys, when can we venture into the real world?

18. Mrs Keys, what are a few of your favourite things?

19. Mrs Keys, how do we solve a problem like Maria?

20. Mrs Keys, how do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

21. Mrs Keys, do you know where your liver is right now?

22. Mrs Keys, how did Mr Keys die?

23. Mrs Keys, if you could change the world, would I be the sunshine in your universe?

24. Mrs Keys, how many pairs of shoes do you have?

25. Mrs Keys, which is your favourite Keanu movie?

26. Mrs Keys, when are we going on a field trip to an alternate universe?

27. Mrs Keys, can we give you a complimentary haircut?

28. Mrs Keys, was that you with Robbie Williams?

29. Mrs Keys, are you a member of the Night World Council?

30. Mrs Keys, who will save your soul?

31. Mrs Keys, can I officially rename this classroom the Castle of Dracula?

32. Mrs Keys, is this classroom directly over the Hellmouth?

33. Mrs Keys, why did the chicken cross the road?

34. Mrs Keys, what is Weird-Goatee-Man's real name?

35. Mrs Keys, how do fish make babies?

36. Mrs Keys, is the answer to all questions really 42?

37. Mrs Keys, when did you first suspect I wasn't entirely human?

38. Mrs Keys, are you twins?

39. Mrs Keys, how large is your collection of garden gnomes?

40. Mrs Keys, is there a thin person inside of you trying to get out, and if so, how and why did you eat her?

41. Mrs Keys, are you planning to become the embodiment of a demon?

42. Mrs Keys, does Saint Catherine talk to you, too?

43. Mrs Keys, why aren't you doing real science?

44. Mrs Keys, when did you find Jesus, and where are you keeping him?

45. Mrs Keys, is it true you're raising an army against my Lord and Master, Satin, Prince of Fabric?

46. Mrs Keys, if you were a hobbit would you be Frodo or Bilbo?

47. Mrs Keys, when did you evolve from primordial slime?

48. Mrs Keys, if you had to have salt of lemon juice poured in an open wound, which would you choose?

49. Mrs Keys, why does Fred the anatomically "in"correct dummy haunt my dreams?

50. Mrs Keys, wouldn't it be funny if this were all really happening?

51. Mrs Keys, can I be your deputy?

52. Mrs Keys, is it permissible to bring my pet monkey to school?

53. Mrs Keys, when I grow up, can I be just like you?

54. Mrs Keys, can I fold the lab coats?

55. Mrs Keys, do you think I could fit a midget in my locker?

56. Mrs Keys, what's your sign?

57. Mrs Keys, just for... reference purposes... how do I un-superglue a head from a table?

58. Mrs Keys, how long is the life of a fruitbat?

59. Mrs Keys, could Batman take Superman?

60. Mrs Keys, do puppies bounce?

61. Mrs Keys, can I wear a lab coat?

62. Mrs Keys, can you die of fright? No, can you die of fright?

63. Mrs Keys, are mice flammable?

64. Mr Freeze, is that your real name?

65. Mrs Keys, are you a monkey's uncle?

66. Mrs Keys, are you MY uncle?

67. Mrs Keys, is that the scent of death?

68. Mrs Keys, who's that man behind you?

69. Mrs Keys, would you like to get together and watch paint dry?

70. Mrs Keys, is it time to play Wheel of Fortune?

71. Mrs Keys, is it time to play Greek Bread of Fortune?

72. Mrs Keys, would you like free sample of Largo?

73. Mrs Keys, hoo, ha, what is it good for?

74. Mrs Keys, does cheese taste yellow?

75. Mrs Keys, do you have a magic schoolbus?

76. Mrs Keys, have you seen Baggins?

77. Mrs Keys, have you ever?

78. Mrs Keys, why must you suck the fun out of Science like a Science Vampire?

79. Mrs Keys, why do fools fall in love?