The Baker Street Irregulars Act 1
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THE BAKER STREET IRREGULARS
a new Sherlock Holmes musical

book by J. E. Hollingsworth, music by S. Carlton and D. L. Graham

Tape of music available

Act I available to read on screen

CHARACTERS

Total speaking parts: 16 M, 8-10 F, + 1 singer (F)

Principal parts 8 M 4 F

Christmas 1887 in London. The Baker Street Irregulars are a group of youngsters who act as scouts for Sherlock Holmes. They are drawn into a network of fraud, kidnapping and attempted murder at the hands of the evil Professor Moriarty, the 'Napoleon of Crime', who uses brilliant adventuress Irené Adler to perpetrate a major fraud on the Capital and Counties Bank, while he himself daringly kidnaps a wealthy American heiress on the stage of the Alhambra Music Hall. Also in the clutches of the Professor is his lover, Mary, the daughter of the bank manager, whose life is put into peril when she eventually recognises Moriarty's true nature.

The Irregulars, alerted by Irené who has also seen through Moriarty, attempt a rescue operation that goes badly wrong, but Moriarty's attempt to blow them all up is thwarted by the timely intervention of Holmes and Watson. The Irregulars even get something of which they have despaired - their Christmas dinner.

Song titles:

'Eighteen Eighty-seven' - the Baker Street Irregulars introduce themselves
'Cool Customers Always Win' - Irené Adler defrauds the Bank
'All I Know' - duet between Moriarty and Mary
'Roast Chestnuts' - a cold night for the Irregulars
'Winter-time in Old New York' - Julie, the American heiress, indulges in a little nostalgia with the Irregulars
'Get Yer 'Ands Off Me!' - music hall song by the old Alhambra trouper Miss Vesta Virginia
'The Napoleon of Crime' - Moriarty's gang
'Is This What You Want?' - Julie tries to make Mary see sense about Moriarty
'The Hunters and the Hunted' - Irené on the run from Moriarty
'The Hundred Eyes and Ears of Sherlock Holmes' - the Irregulars introduce themselves to Dr Watson
'Soldiers' - the Baker Street Irregulars make a fateful decision
'Star' - the Irregulars keep up their spirits after being captured by Moriarty
Finale - reprise of 'Cool Customers Always Win'

Running time of show: about 1 hour 50 mins excluding interval

Speaking/singing parts: 16 M, 8-10 F, 1 F singer, chorus of Baker Street Irregulars, chorus of gangsters

Period: 1887 Two Acts, 5 sets: Baker Street, bank manager's office, Holmes's rooms, the Alhambra Music Hall, Moriarty's den


THE BAKER STREET IRREGULARS

CHARACTERS

* = song/s or some participation in a song/songs

Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective of 221B Baker Street *
Dr Watson, friend and colleague of Holmes *
Mrs Hudson, housekeeper at 221B Baker Street
Irené Adler, brilliant adventuress *
Professor Moriarty, the Napoleon of Crime *
Colonel Sebastian Moran, Moriarty's accomplice *
Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard
Mary Holder, accomplice and lover of Moriarty *
Mr Holder, Mary's father, director, the Capital & Counties Bank
Arthur Holder, brother to Mary, employed at the bank
Julie Dorman, American heiress *
Mr Stevens, stage manager of the Alhambra Music Hall
The Irregulars: 4 M 4 F, but note list below
Wiggins M *
Tapeworm M/F *
Arabella F *
Emily F *
Snotty M/F *
Gus M *
Maria F *
Dolly F *
and optional others to form a chorus of Irregulars
Moriarty's gang: * 3 M
John Horner
James Ryder
Weasel
and others to form a chorus of gangsters and women of the streets

Non-speaking

Miss Vesta Virginia, variety artiste (one song)
Hot chestnut seller M/F *
Two police officers M
Some drunks M & F (who can be played by members of Moriarty's gang)
Some stage hands for Alhambra scene
Note: band in Alhambra Music Hall scenes refers to the real band

Period: 1887 Setting: London
Two Acts, 5 sets: Baker Street, bank manager's office, Holmes's rooms, the Alhambra Music Hall, Moriarty's den
Act I: Scene 1 exterior, Baker Street;
Sc 2 interior, Director's office, the Capital and Counties Bank;
Sc 3 interior, Sherlock Holmes's apartment;
Sc 4 interior, the Alhambra Music Hall;
Sc 5 exterior, the street;
Sc 6 interior, the Alhambra.
Act II: Scene 1 interior, Moriarty's den;
Sc 2 exterior, the street;
Sc 3 interior, Holmes's apartment;
Sc 4 interior, Moriarty's den;
Sc 5 interior, Holmes's apartment.
© Monster Music 1995, 1997

THE BAKER STREET IRREGULARS

Note on the set. It should suggest the London of Sherlock Holmes, perhaps by having gas lamps, huge dark archways as entrances. There should also be at least two big Victorian Gothic windows at the sides, big enough to jump out of. These are for interior scenes, but should not look out of place in exterior scenes.

ACT 1
SCENE 1 THE STREET

Opening music. Christmas 1887. Baker Street. Early evening. Passers-by hurry past with Christmas packages done up in brown paper. The Baker Street Irregulars, a motley crew of urchins of both sexes and a range of ages, gather downstage and sing the opening chorus. The lines for all the songs of the Irregulars may be distributed among any of the better singers, or sung as a chorus.

SONG 1 EIGHTEEN EIGHTY-SEVEN - FIRST PART: THE IRREGULARS

IRREGULARS: Eighteen eighty-seven; Christmas in old London Town;
Smoky city sky; there's sparkling frost upon the groun':
Candles in the windows making for a cheery glow;
Singin' sweet as angels listen to the carol singers go.

Ding dong - Baker Street
Noel - Irregulars
We don't get no mince pie;
Ding dong - Baker Street
Noel - Irregulars
We're lucky to get away wivout a big black eye!

Glasses filled wi' sherry, coloured crackers there to pull;
Puddin's blaze wi' brandy, time to fill yer bellies full;
Parties, games an' dancin', ladies' genteel hands o' whist;
Gifts off Father Christmas, taken from his Christmas list.

Ding dong - Baker Street
Noel - Irregulars
We don't get no mince pie;
Ding dong - Baker Street
Noel - Irregulars
We're lucky to get away wivout a big black eye!

End music. Enter Mr Holder, looking harassed, carrying brown paper parcels. He picks his way through the Irregulars and advances downstage.

SNOTTY: Merry Christmas, guv.

WIGGINS: That's enough o' that, Snotty. We don't beg. (To Holder) Want a cab, sir?

MR HOLDER: Yes, yes, thank you.

Wiggins produces a cab whistle, or whistles through his fingers, and looks offstage.

WIGGINS: Here y'are, sir. (To offstage cab.) Oy! Over 'ere! (To Holder.) This way, sir. Mind the kids' slide, (etc. as he escorts Holder off. He returns beaming) There y'are. A tanner from the gent. That's better than beggin'.

ARABELLA: Sixpence! What good's that to us, Wiggins?

WIGGINS: Honest pay for honest work, Bella.

GUS: That's right, Bella, that's what Mr 'Olmes is always tellin' us. (Sarcastically) Just fink, Wiggins: another nineteen o' them an' we can buy a Christmas goose.

ARABELLA: Ah, but don't forget, Gus ... (Music. Take up song "Eighteen-eighty Seven")

SONG 2 EIGHTEEN EIGHTY-SEVEN - CONTINUED: IRREGULARS

We're tough Cockney sparrers livin' life alone in the street,
Takin' Fortune's slings an' arrers wiv no shoes upon our feet;
We'd give anything to join in all the fun at Christmas time,
But we won't get no presents, kisses, cups of ginger wine;

Ding dong - Baker Street
Noel - Irregulars
We don't get no mince pie;
Ding dong - Baker Street
Noel - Irregulars
We're lucky to get away wivout a big black eye!

During the song a large police constable enters and glares at them. As song ends, he jerks a thumb at them in dismissal. Exit Irregulars.

SCENE 2 THE CAPITAL AND COUNTIES BANK

End music when scene has changed to Mr Holder's office in the Capital and Counties Bank. A table or desk, some ledgers on a portable bookcase will do. A chair for Mr Holder and one for clients. Mr Holder bustles in, dumps his parcels and sits at desk. His son, Arthur, a pleasant young man and a junior partner, enters.

ARTHUR: Evening, father. Been Christmas shopping?

MR HOLDER: Obviously. And if I can get on without further interruptions, I may be finished in time to catch the six fifteen.

ARTHUR: I doubt it. There's a lady to see you.

MR HOLDER: At this time of day? Who?

ARTHUR: The Countess of Morcar, from Inverness.

MR HOLDER: From the Highlands? What does she want?

ARTHUR: Business. And there's a Dr Watson to follow.

MR HOLDER: Oh no! I want to get home. You see him, will you, Arthur?

ARTHUR: He has a message for you from Sherlock Holmes.

MR HOLDER: Oh, it's that Dr Watson, is it? Take him somewhere private and show in the Countess. (Hastily tidies desk while Arthur shows in Irené, who is impersonating the Countess.) Come in, Your Ladyship. Parcels, Arthur. (Arthur picks up parcels, then tries to bow, almost loses the parcels, and staggers out with them.) My son. Junior partner. Now, ma'am, please take a seat. And what can I do for you?

IRENÉ: Mr Alexander Holder?

MR HOLDER: Yes.

IRENÉ: I trust that as you are Director of this bank I can rely on your extreme discretion?

MR HOLDER: The Capital and Counties Bank is noted for it, ma'am.

IRENÉ: Very well, Mr Holder. This (producing a small leather bag) is something I should like you to examine closely.

Holder opens the bag and extracts a large brilliant blue gemstone.

MR HOLDER: Great heavens, ma'am!

IRENÉ: The Blue Carbuncle, Mr Holder. The pride of my extensive collection. I should like your estimate of its value as security for an immediate loan.

MR HOLDER: Its value? I - I - don't really know. How much do you wish to borrow, ma'am?

IRENÉ: Fifty thousand pounds, to be repaid within the week, with the gemstone as security for that time.

MR HOLDER: Fifty thousand! You could buy this bank with that!

IRENÉ: And the Blue Carbuncle is security.

MR HOLDER: For one week?

IRENÉ: Less than a week, Mr Holder.

MR HOLDER: I - I -

IRENÉ: Look at the way it sparkles in the light, Mr Holder. Can you doubt the value of such a magnificent gem?

MR HOLDER: Well, I suppose for a week or less ...

IRENÉ: Then you'll agree to the loan? It will mean so much to me. (Coquettishly.) I cannot tell you why, but my happiness depends on it.

MR HOLDER (yielding): My dear Countess, in that case, will you please come this way.

IRENÉ: One moment, Mr Holder. Can you guarantee the safety of the Blue Carbuncle while you have it?

MR HOLDER: The bank is perfectly safe, ma'am.

IRENÉ: Is it? What if word should get out about the stone? There are so many dangerous criminals these days.

MR HOLDER: True, very true.

IRENÉ: For instance, I was just now talking to Dr Watson, and there is an extremely dangerous woman in Town. One Irené Adler. Have you heard of her?

MR HOLDER: No, ma'am.

IRENÉ: An adventuress, by all accounts, who is about to attempt a fraud on one of the major banks.

MR HOLDER: Your Ladyship, no-one - I repeat, no-one - would dare defraud the Capital and Counties. And now, if you will come with me, we'll arrange the loan. (He pockets the stone.)

IRENÉ: One thing I must insist on.

MR HOLDER: Yes?

IRENÉ: I want the money in notes.

MR HOLDER: Notes? Is that wise? A cheque, surely.

IRENÉ: It is vitally necessary that I am given notes.

MR HOLDER: Then notes it shall be. But fifty thousand! Oh dear, dear.

He ushers her out, bowing deferentially. Arthur enters a moment later through another door, showing in Dr Watson.

ARTHUR: Please come in, Dr Watson. We can talk here.

WATSON (glancing out of window): My word, these first floor offices command a good view of St. Paul's, don't they?

ARTHUR: Yes, indeed. It's nice being on the first floor, away from the noise of traffic. Well, Doctor, you wished to see my father, but he's dealing with another client.

WATSON: The young lady I was talking to earlier? Countess of Morcar, I understand.

ARTHUR: Quite so. Do sit down. And now? (He looks expectantly at Watson.)

WATSON: Ah. Yes. The point is, Mr Holder, that I have been sent here by my friend and colleague, Mr Sherlock Holmes.

ARTHUR: Oh?

WATSON: We are on the track of a woman named Irené Adler, a bold and daring adventuress.

ARTHUR (interested): An adventuress, eh? My word!

WATSON: Yes. Young, attractive, charming, but deadly.

ARTHUR: Really? Tell me more.

WATSON (extracting a card from his pocket): From the crime index of Sherlock Holmes ... (Reads) Adler, Irené. Born New Jersey. Actress and singer, has appeared at Covent Garden, Warsaw, La Scala. Expert in disguise and impersonation. (Puts card away.) She could have any man at her feet, Mr Holder, with one glance of those splendid eyes of hers.

ARTHUR: You don't say!

WATSON: Well, so Holmes tells me. We believe that at present she is in Town, planning some exploit against a leading bank.

ARTHUR: And we should beware?

WATSON: Exactly. Ruthless, brilliant, she's capable of outwitting the most able mind. Where she is now, however, we have no way of telling.

He is interrupted as Irené re-enters, followed by Mr Holder. Irené is putting banknotes into her bag.

ARTHUR: Oh, Your Ladyship. (He and Watson stand and bow.)

MR HOLDER (annoyed): Arthur, why are you using my office? Aren't you aware that I have business here with the Countess?

ARTHUR: I'm sorry, father, but there really was nowhere else where Dr Watson and I could speak in confidence. I've never known the bank so busy at Christmas.

IRENÉ: Ah, Dr Watson. I have just shown Mr Holder my famous carbuncle.

MR HOLDER: Quite the most unusual I've seen.

WATSON: Well, if it's causing Your Ladyship any problems, you must step over to my surgery.

MR HOLDER: Her Ladyship, Doctor, is referring to this. (Holds up the Blue Carbuncle.)

WATSON: Ah!

ARTHUR: That may be a good reason for delivering your warning to my father, Dr Watson.

MR HOLDER: Warning?

WATSON: It is most important, Mr Holder. I have already spoken to her Ladyship here while we were waiting to see you. There is a dangerous woman abroad.

IRENÉ: Tell Mr Holder her name, Doctor.

WATSON (importantly): A daring adventuress named Irené Adler who is planning some exploit against one of the banks.

ARTHUR: A beautiful woman, father, who could sweep any man off his feet.

IRENÉ: There you are, Mr Holder, now perhaps you will understand my fears. Let the Doctor see the Blue Carbuncle, Mr Holder. Isn't it beautiful?

Holder hands it to Watson.

WATSON: Magnificent, ma'am. But aren't carbuncles red?

IRENÉ: This one is unique, and priceless. So you will look after it safely, Mr Holder, won't you, because this Adler woman sounds most dangerous.

MR HOLDER: Don't worry, ma'am. The stone is safer here than in the Bank of England.

WATSON: If you will excuse me, ma'am, gentlemen, I have other banks to visit. (He places the Blue Carbuncle carefully on the desk.)

IRENÉ: Doctor, this Irené Adler, would you recognise her?

WATSON: I should know her instantly, Your Ladyship.

IRENÉ: It's such a comfort to know that you and Mr Holmes are as watchful as ever. Good day, Doctor. (Exit Watson. Irené sits down.) Mr Holder, I feel a little giddy. Would you have the goodness to fetch me a glass of water?

MR HOLDER: Of course, ma'am. Arthur! (Arthur exits.)

IRENÉ: And some smelling salts?

MR HOLDER: Smelling salts? Yes, I'll go myself, I'll go myself - (Hurried exit. Irené coolly picks up the stone. Music.)

SONG 3 COOL CUSTOMERS ALWAYS WIN: IRENÉ ADLER.

IRENÉ: I'm a girl who likes gold,
And I've often been told
That wanting the cash is no sin.
So day after day
You'll still hear me say
Cool customers always win.

Since men are such fools
To be dazzled by jewels
And so easily taken right in,
The girl who's got brains
Gets the ill-gotten gains:
Cool customers always win!

It was easy for a dame like me
To be a maid for her Ladyship, you see;
Then the Countess expired and the girl that she'd hired
Walked out on the part that she'd played;
Take it from me, cool customers always win.

It's a terrible shame
If a good-looking dame
Can't wallow in dough to her chin;
And I've already learned
It don't have to be earned;
Cool customers always win.

If Sherlock Holmes were here today,
I think I know just what he'd say:
But he won't have a clue that I've stolen the Blue
Carbuncle from under his nose;
Take it from me, cool customers always win.

Since men are such fools
To be dazzled by jewels
And so easily taken right in,
The girl who's got brains
Gets the ill-gotten gains:
Cool customers always win!

It was easy for a dame like me
To be a maid for her Ladyship, you see;
Then the Countess expired and the girl that she'd hired
Walked out on the part that she'd played;
Take it from me, cool customers always win.

So take it from me,
Yes take it from me,
Take it from me, cool customers always win.

Irené springs to the nearest window, holds up her parasol like a parachute and jumps out. End music.

SCENE 3 HOLMES' APARTMENT

Scene changes to 221B Baker Street, the rooms of Sherlock Holmes. Some appropriate furniture, e.g. armchair, small table, small bookcase containing box files which make up Holmes's great crime index, mantelpiece or shelf with candles in holders. Watson is in his armchair, gently sleeping beneath the Times. Violin music off: Mendelssohn's Violin Concerto. Eventually an excruciatingly wrong note wakes Watson, who claws his way out from under the paper.

WATSON: Holmes, I say, Holmes!

Violin music ceases. A string twangs loudly and there is a muffled exclamation.

HOLMES (off): What!!!

WATSON: Would you stop making that infernal row? I'm trying to slee - read the paper.

Enter Sherlock Holmes with his violin, one string dangling freely.

HOLMES: That infernal row, as you call it, Watson, was a passage from Mendelssohn's Violin Concerto and look what you've made me do! (Shows broken string and puts violin to one side.) However, since you're back, I take it that you visited all the banks?

WATSON: I did, Holmes, and they're all on the alert. I even warned a client at the Capital and Counties. The Countess of Morcar.

HOLMES (surprised): Who did you say?

WATSON: The Countess of Morcar. Somewhere up in Scotland.

HOLMES: Inverness-shire. And you spoke to her?

WATSON: Oh yes. I warned her about Irené Adler. She was suitably impressed.

HOLMES: Really? And what did her Ladyship look like?

WATSON: Look like?

HOLMES: Look like, yes.

WATSON: An extremely attractive young lady, Holmes. She had an extraordinary gemstone: the Blue Carbuncle, it was called.

HOLMES: Pride of her Ladyship's famous collection.

WATSON: Oh, you know?

HOLMES: Yes. And was her Ladyship in good health?

WATSON: Fit as a fiddle. Fitter than your fiddle, in fact, eh, Holmes? (Laughs, but it dies away as Holmes stares stony-faced at him.)

HOLMES: Most remarkable, Watson, and what a pity that you do not read "The Scotsman" instead of "The Times".

WATSON: Why?

HOLMES: Because you would have seen that the Countess of Morcar has died aged eighty-seven. The London papers didn't report it.

WATSON: Great Scott, Holmes! Then who was the person I spoke to?

Holmes stares at him. Watson gradually realises.

WATSON: Oh no! Oh, my dear fellow. What an ass I've been.

HOLMES: The woman, Watson. The woman. Irené Adler herself.

WATSON: What a disaster! Holmes, she had a large amount of money with her. Banknotes. And the jewel.

HOLMES: I should imagine she obtained a position as lady's maid to the Countess, stole the jewel when her Ladyship died, and travelled here on the overnight express.

WATSON: And - good Lord! She's defrauded the bank!

HOLMES: Correct. We knew it would happen, and she's done it. What a woman, Watson! What a woman!

WATSON: Holmes, you haven't - er - some feelings for Miss Adler, have you? My word, she was a splendid woman, come to think of it!

HOLMES: No, Watson. To me she is the woman, but that is all. I have no feelings for her, and don't let her affect you.

WATSON: You don't think she murdered the Countess?

HOLMES: Whatever else Miss Adler may be, Watson, she is not a murderer, merely an opportunist who makes her opportunities.

WATSON: And now she's got the money? But the bank has the Blue Carbuncle.

HOLMES: I wouldn't be too sure, Watson.

WATSON: Oh, it was on the manager's desk when I left. Put it there myself. How valuable is that stone, Holmes?

HOLMES: Two murders, an acid-throwing, a suicide and several robberies have occurred for the sake of the Blue Carbuncle. In terms of human life, it owes us a massive debt.

WATSON: And now fraud. I've ruined your investigation, Holmes.

HOLMES: Not at all, my dear fellow. You've merely made it more interesting. The only trouble is, I already have a serious problem on my hands.

WATSON: Another problem?

HOLMES: Turn to the Court and Social page of your "Times". Now, do you see a paragraph about a certain Colonel Sebastian Moran?

WATSON: Yes. Why, it's old Tiger Tim. He's back in Town, I see.

HOLMES: You know him?

WATSON: Back in India he was the best big game shot in the Army. Old Tiger Tim! Well well. Do you know, he once followed a wounded man-eater into a drain. Nerves of steel.

HOLMES: So I gather. Mentioned in despatches and recommended for decoration.

WATSON: Correct. Why do you mention him?

HOLMES: Because he is presently terrorising London.

WATSON: Terrorising ... ?

HOLMES: With his air rifle.

Watson throws back his head and roars with laughter.

WATSON: Really, Holmes, you have the most amazing sense of humour. Old Tiger Tim Moran stalking the streets with a shilling pop-gun? What's he up to? Knocking gentlemen's hats off? (Holmes lets him laugh before continuing.)

HOLMES: The weapon in question, Watson, far from being a shilling pop-gun, is a precision-made rifle, powered by compressed air, noiseless and deadly accurate at a hundred yards. It resembles a walking stick and can be carried without arousing suspicion.

WATSON: I see.

HOLMES: Made by a master gunsmith in Germany. Single shot, but then, Moran does not need to shoot twice.

WATSON: But what's he doing with it?

HOLMES: Murder, Watson. Colonel Moran stops at nothing. I believe him to be responsible for at least three unsolved murders in the past six months.

WATSON: Good Lord! You mean he's gone to the bad? Old Tiger Tim?

HOLMES: He is the second most dangerous man in London.

WATSON: I'd never have believed it. But who's the first?

HOLMES: His master, Professor James Moriarty.

WATSON: Professor?

HOLMES: James Moriarty. One-time Professor of Mathematics at a leading northern university, he too went to the bad. He is responsible for most of the crime in London.

WATSON: Is that possible?

HOLMES: They call him the Napoleon of Crime. Associate of Moran, and instigator of most of the mischief in the capital. If you will reach down letter M in the index, you shall see for yourself.

But before Watson can move, Mrs Hudson enters in a hurry.

MRS HUDSON: Mr Holmes, Mr Holmes!

HOLMES: Yes, Mrs Hudson?

MRS HUDSON: A Mr Holder to see you - oh!

For Mr Holder pushes past her and bursts dramatically into the room.

MR HOLDER: Mr Holmes! Dr Watson! The Carbuncle! It has gone! Stolen! From under my very nose. By Irené A-aaaah!

WATSON: Mr Holder! Great Scott! He's fainted!

For Holder's knees give way and he falls senseless, full length upon the carpet. Blackout. Dramatic chords.

SCENE 4 THE ALHAMBRA

Scene changes to the stage of the Alhambra music hall. Rehearsal in progress: music from band - "All I Know is That I Love You". Enter Mary Holder in leotard, sequins and tights stage costume, Moriarty as Professor MacTavish, and the Stage Manager of the Alhambra. Professor Moriarty is a younger man than we find in the later Sherlock Holmes story "The Final Problem". Stage hands carry pieces of scenery across stage, wardrobe mistresses carry costume at appropriate points in this scene.

STEVENS (to band): Thank you! Quiet in the pit, please. (Band stop. To Moriarty.) That wasn't a bad audition at all, Professor MacTavish. Best tricks I've seen since I started here as Stage Manager.

MORIARTY: Thank you. One does one's best.

STEVENS: It's as well you called when you did. I can't imagine what's happened to The Great Sapristi. He was supposed to be here last night, you know. Let us down without notice.

MORIARTY: Dear me. How unprofessional.

STEVENS: Yes, the audience didn't like it at all.

MORIARTY: I saw the stage hands sweeping up the rotten tomatoes as we came in.

STEVENS: When the Alhambra crowd get annoyed, you know, and give someone the bird, it can get quite nasty.

MORIARTY: You have nothing to fear from me, Mr Stevens. My act will hold them spellbound. Not for nothing am I billed as Professor James MacTavish, Master of Mystery and Illusion.

STEVENS: And it ends with the disappearing trick in the cabinet, does it?

MORIARTY: Correct. And just to add that little touch of excitement, I always get a young lady from the audience to enter the cabinet.

STEVENS: I see. Doesn't that give the secret away?

MORIARTY: It could, so I would be grateful if you would allow my own two assistants to carry the cabinet off with the young lady inside. Helps to keep the professional secrets, eh?

STEVENS: Of course. How long have you been in the business, did you say?

MORIARTY: Oh, a number of years.

STEVENS: Funny, I must say I've never heard of you.

MORIARTY: Most of my professional career has been spent in the United States.

STEVENS: That would explain it. We'll see you tonight, then, Professor. Good afternoon to you, Miss, er -

MORIARTY: My assistant, Marie.

STEVENS: Charmed, I'm sure. (Exit.)

MORIARTY (taking Mary aside): A vile little man, but he will serve his turn. Now, Mary, you're sure your brother will bring her here tonight instead of going to the Shakespeare performance?

MARY: He won't want to, but I'll easily persuade her. She's very keen on theatre people, likes to be with them.

MORIARTY: Good. Have you been introduced?

MARY: No. I've deliberately avoided her. But tonight I shall ask to be introduced to Miss Julie Dorman. My brother will be flattered.

MORIARTY: Good. And you'll get them here?

MARY: Easily. I always get my own way with Arthur. He's so weak. But do you think we'll get away with it?

MORIARTY: Of course we will! Miss Dorman's father is one of the richest men in America. If the young lady vanishes, he'll pay through the nose to get her back.

MARY: I mean the trick. It's a daring thing to do, kidnapping someone in a crowded theatre.

MORIARTY: The sort of touch that raises my activities from mere crime to the level of genius, my dear.

MARY: I know.

MORIARTY: Yes, I wasn't Professor of Mathematics for nothing, you know. But I'll be glad when I can resume being the Napoleon of Crime, as they call me, and drop this pretence of being an entertainer.

MARY: Which reminds me, James. Do you want to go through the song while the band are here?

MORIARTY: Why not? (To band.) Maestro. Gentlemen. Could we go through our number? Thank you.

Light theatre band

SONG 4 ALL I KNOW IS THAT I LOVE YOU: MARY AND MORIARTY

MORIARTY: Maybe I'm not everything
You would like me to be,
Maybe you're as blind as Love
So you just can't see;
But still I tell you, darling,
Though you don't think it's true,
All I know is that in my heart I love you.

MARY: They say that nobody's perfect,
As if I didn't know!
No matter what you do to me,
No matter where you go,
I'll follow you if need be
Till rivers don't flow true:
All I know is that in my heart I love you.

(During Mary's verse, Moriarty grows increasingly impatient until finally he explodes with fury at her.)

MORIARTY: No no no! That was hopeless. If I've told you once, I've told you a dozen times. Get it right, woman, or I'll not answer for the consequences.

(Band falter to a stop. As Moriarty raises a hand as if to strike her, Mr Stevens enters. Fade lights on band).

STEVENS: Good, good! Are you using that song tonight?

MORIARTY (smiling falsely): Yes, it's part of our act.

Mary looks at Moriarty in bewilderment at his outburst. They exit with Stage Manager.

SCENE 5 THE STREET

Scene change to street at night. A crippled hot chestnut seller enters with a brazier. Passing citizens buy chestnuts. The Irregulars enter and huddle round the flames for warmth.

CHESTNUT SELLER: Hot chestnuts! Lovely hot roast chestnuts!

ARABELLA: Well, what we waitin' for? Do we buy some hot chestnuts with that sixpence or don't we?

TAPEWORM: I vote we go for some meat pies. We could get three among us.

GUS: I've never liked the idea of pies since Sweeney Todd. You never know what's in 'em these days.

EMILY: I vote we toss for it.

MARIA: What with?

EMILY: Wigginsy's tanner.

IRREGULARS: Good idea.

WGGINS: Right, heads it's six pennorth o' chestnuts, tails it's pies. (He tosses the coin which rolls off stage.) Oh no! It's gone down the bloomin' drain.

ARABELLA: Oh, Wiggins, you idiot!

IRREGULARS: What do we do now?

CHESTNUT SELLER: Hot chestnuts! Lovely hot roast chestnuts!

SONG 5 ROAST CHESTNUTS: THE IRREGULARS

IRREGULARS: When you're freezin' cold with no place to go, an' the deep dark night is closin' in,
An' your overcoat is wore right through an' your scarf don't even warm your chin,
An' your finger ends is numb an' blue, an' your feet don't really belong to you,
An' your finger ends is numb an' blue, an' your feet don't really belong to you,
They don't belong to you:

When London streets is cruel an' hard an' the icy cuttin' blusters blow,
Folk look at you with empty eyes 'cause they don't really want to know,
An' your breath blows out like a silver stream, you huddle down an' begin to dream,
An' your breath blows out like a silver stream, you huddle down an' begin to dream,
You just begin to dream:

You look into the brazier where the hot red chestnuts roast,
An' picture to yourself that you'll soon be warm as toast.
When the old an' crippled chestnut man picks his barrow up an' off he goes,
It's farewell to the light an' warmth; hallo to frozen hands an' toes.
You watch him leave with deep sad eyes an' your belly growls a last farewell,
You watch him leave with deep sad eyes an' wave a last farewell;

You think about the brazier where the hot red chestnuts roast,
An' hope deep in your heart that you'll soon be warm as toast.

Arthur Holder enters dressed for a night at the theatre. He is accompanied by Mary, who is wearing her stage costume under her open coat.

ARTHUR: Mary, do you seriously intend to go on with this nonsense?

MARY: It's not nonsense.

ARTHUR: My own sister, daughter of the Director of the Capital and Counties Bank, reduced to earning a living on the stage!

MARY: Don't be pompous, Arthur.

ARTHUR: It's no life for a girl of your upbringing. What if father finds out?

MARY: My life is my own to live as I please.

ARTHUR: This is the influence of that conjuror friend of yours.

MARY: Don't criticise James.

ARTHUR: James! Professor James MacTavish, Master of Mystery and Illusion! If that really is his name.

MARY: It's a stage name.

ARTHUR: What's his real one, then?

MARY: That's nothing to do with you.

ARTHUR: If you're hiding his name from me what am I to think?

MARY: Think what you like. It's none of your business.

ARTHUR: No, because you don't want father to find out. And that's what I don't like. It doesn't sound genuine. And he doesn't sound genuine from what you've told me.

MARY: I'm not going to be drawn into a quarrel, Arthur.

ARTHUR: The bogus professor. Reminds me of my Professor of Mathematics at University. James Moriarty, he was called. Professor James Moriarty.

MARY (surprised): What?

ARTHUR: Very clever man, but very, very mysterious. One day he vanished. He'd got into some kind of serious trouble and had to resign. And I warn you, Mary, I don't like this so-called magical professor of yours.

MARY: Oh, nonsense!

ARTHUR: I don't think his intentions are honourable.

MARY: You've never met him.

ARTHUR: And if father finds out, there'll be the devil to pay, as well you know.

MARY: Oh, I can't stay here being lectured by you. I have an engagement to keep.

ARTHUR: Yes, well, I only hope you know what you're doing.

MARY: And where, by the way, are you going? To your club?

ARTHUR: No, to the theatre with a young lady. We're going to see Henry Irving in "Hamlet".

MARY: Who's the lucky lady?

ARTHUR: Miss Dorman, Julie Dorman, from New York. I'm meeting her here.

MARY: Not the millionaire's daughter?

ARTHUR: Yes.

MARY: The one who's in all the society papers?

ARTHUR: Yes.

MARY: You're taking her to the theatre? You?

ARTHUR: Why not? At least we're going to see Shakespeare, not some vulgar act at the Alhambra.

Julie enters.

MARY: Is that her?

ARTHUR: Yes.

MARY: I'll be getting along, then. Don't bother to introduce us. After all, I wouldn't like to think that she had to make the acquaintance of a mere variety artist at the Alhambra. (Makes as if to go.)

ARTHUR: Don't be ridiculous. You know you've been avoiding Julie and I'd like you to meet her. (Catches her arm.) Julie, this is my sister, Mary.

JULIE: Hi, Mary, glad to know you. Arthur, honey, I'm sorry I'm late. (To Mary.) We're going to the the-ater, you know.

ARTHUR: That's all right. You look absolutely stunning.

MARY: You're going to see "Hamlet", Arthur says.

JULIE: That's right.

MARY: Look, why don't you come to the Alhambra?

JULIE: That's a vaudeville the-ater, isn't it?

MARY: It's a music hall.

ARTHUR: Mary, I'm sure Julie doesn't want to go to a place like that.

JULIE: Why not?

MARY: Why not indeed? I'm appearing there, you know. Look at the costume. (Opens her coat.)

JULIE: You don't say! You mean, you're on the stage?

MARY: Well, you don't suppose I go round the streets dressed like this, do you? Especially on cold nights. (The two girls laugh.)

JULIE: Arthur, why didn't you tell me your sister was on the stage? Oh come on, let's go to the Alhambra.

ARTHUR: Oh, I say! You surely don't want to?

CHESTNUT SELLER: Hot chestnuts! Lovely hot roast chestnuts!

JULIE: Oh Arthur, get me some of those. Mary, tell me more about your act. (They buy hot chestnuts and move upstage to eat them. Arthur is not too happy at the turn of events.)

SONG 6 ROAST CHESTNUTS REPRISE: THE IRREGULARS

IRREGULARS:

When London streets is cruel an' hard an' the icy cuttin' blusters blow,
Folk look at you with empty eyes 'cause they don't really want to know,
An' your breath blows out like a silver stream, you huddle down an' begin to dream,
An' your breath blows out like a silver stream, you huddle down an' begin to dream,
You just begin to dream:

You look into the brazier where the hot red chestnuts roast,
An' picture to yourself that you'll soon be warm as toast.
When London streets is cruel an' hard an' the icy cuttin' blusters blow,
Folk look at you with empty eyes 'cause they don't really want to know,
An' your breath blows out like a silver stream, you huddle down an' begin to dream,
An' your breath blows out like a silver stream, you just begin to dream,
You just begin to dream:

JULIE: Would you kids like some chestnuts?

IRREGULARS: Yes please, miss.

JULIE: Okay. (To seller) A big bag, please. (To Irregulars) My name's Julie. Where do you live?

WIGGINS: Round Baker Street, miss.

SNOTTY: You're not from London, miss, are you?

JULIE: No, I'm from New York. And here are your chestnuts.

EMILY: What's New York like, miss. Is it as cold as here?

JULIE: Oh, it's much colder at this time of year. It's, well, let me tell you.

SONG 7 WINTER TIME IN OLD NEW YORK: JULIE AND IRREGULARS

JULIE: Icy castles reaching to the sky,
Frosty windows glistening in the sun,
Sugar-crusted towers
Where the snow is lying white,
Half a million diamonds
Shine above them every night;
And Central Park is white and clean
As if the grass had never been,
Because it's winter time in old New York.

Folk go by through snow and sleet,
Eating chestnuts in the street,
Draped in furs like Eskimos:
Santa Clauses have appeared
All dressed up in wig and beard
Each one with a big red nose.

JULIE AND IRREGULARS Icy castles reaching to the sky,
Frosty windows glistening in the sun,
Sugar-crusted towers
Where the snow is lying white,
Half a million diamonds
Shine above them every night;
And Central Park is white and clean
As if the grass had never been,
Because it's winter time in old New York.

DOLLY: Cor! Sounds like fairyland. What's it like in summer, miss?

JULIE: Far too hot! Well, we'd better be getting along. We have a date at the the-ater tonight. See you. (Exit hot chestnut seller and Irregulars. Exit Arthur, Mary and Julie, who is chattering excitedly.) You mean he really gets a lady out of the audience to vanish? Say, that's swell - etc.

SCENE 6 THE ALHAMBRA

Scene change to Alhambra stage. Incidental music. Lights fade up. The Stage Manager, in evening dress, enters through curtain, presiding as Chairman.

STEVENS: Thank you, thank you and welcome to the second house at the Alhambra. (A few "extras" may enter and take places as a Victorian audience. Among them should be Arthur and Julie, whom Stevens notices.) Hurry along please. Oh, Gaw blimey! We got some toffs in tonight. Hurry along, please, sir and madam. There's two good seats up here. (Indicates a suitable place either on stage or somewhere where Arthur and Julie can be seen clearly.) And now - pulchritudinous provocation, sinuous sensuality, coy coquettishness, vibrant Venusian voluptuousness, vocalic vitality, vernacular verve - a variety visitation by Miss Vesta Virginia!!!

Enter Miss Vesta Virginia, a blowsy music-hall artist, reeking of gin and vulgarity.

SONG 8 GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! sung by MISS VESTA VIRGINIA

VESTA:

She went for a cruise to the Med for a rest in the early spring,
But the crew fell in love, followed her all around; she made their bells ring:
And so to save her honour
She informed the Admiralty:
She grabbed the Captain's sextant and cried, "Get your hands off me!"

She stopped an old gent to ask him for the time in the street one day;
He said, "Half past two and good morning to you," as he turned away;
But the pintle got stuck in her bustle;
She was trapped by the pointers you see;
Imagine the old gent's face when she cried, "Get your hands off me!"

She worked in a London casino at night as a croupier,
Threw the balls in roulette, dealt the cards from the shoe in chemin de fer;
But she stopped the conversation
When she stood up and shouted with glee,
"If any of you gents fancy their luck get your hands off me!"

She got drunk down Gin Street, tripped over, fell down and she banged her head;
The doctor was called, took her pulse, sighed and then he pronounced her dead.
So he went to give her heart massage -
He'd been trained in Casualty -
He nearly collapsed with a stroke as she screamed, "Get your hands off me!"

La la la la la la la la la la
Get your hands off me!
La la la la la la la la la la
Get your hands off me!
Tho' she's long since been pushin' up daisies,
In the old Highgate Cemetery,
Courting couples will swear
They can still hear this air:
"Get your hands off me!"

End music. Applause (from band).

STEVENS: Thank you Miss Vesta Virginia. (She takes one bow too many.) Gerroff, y' old bag! Now - professorial prestidigitational presentation, premeditated professionalism, post-prandial persiflage. If you were here for the first house, you gasped when he produced the white rabbit from the hat; you thrilled when he sawed his beauteous assistant in half; he promised to return, and here he is with a song and the most spectacular and audacious illusion of the evening. Ladies and gentlemen, with his beauteous assistant Marie, the Master of Mystery and Illusion himself: Professor James MacTavish!

Long drum roll. Ryder and Horner, as stage hands, bring on a magician's tall lightweight cabinet upstage, capable of holding a person, with an exit at the back of the cabinet concealed by a curtain, and a curtain over the front of the cabinet. It is put in front of a stage exit. Enter Professor James Moriarty in top hat and cloak guise as Professor MacTavish, the Master of Mystery and Illusion, accompanied by Mary, still in tights and sequins. They sing reprise of "All I Know is That I Love You".

SONG 9 ALL I KNOW IS THAT I LOVE YOU REPRISE: MARY AND MORIARTY

MORIARTY: Maybe I'm not everything
You would like me to be,
Maybe you're as blind as Love
So you just can't see;
But still I tell you, darling,
Though you don't think it's true,
All I know is that in my heart I love you.

MARY: They say that nobody's perfect,
As if I didn't know!
No matter what you do to me,
No matter where you go,
I'll follow you if need be
Till rivers don't flow true:
All I know is that in my heart I love you.

BOTH: I loved you from the moment
I gazed into your eyes;
What seemed a passing fancy
Now makes me realise
Although I can't be everything
You'd like me to be;
Though perhaps we're as blind as Love,
Far too blind to see,
I'll follow you if need be
Till rivers don't flow true:
All I know is that in my heart I love you.

Moriarty bows and Mary preens herself.

MORIARTY: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Professor MacTavish, Master of Mystery and Illusion, at your service, with my assistante, the beauteous Marie. And for my main illusion of the evening I require the assistance of a young lady from the audience. I wonder, I wonder - would perhaps - perhaps this young lady be of assistance? Marie, my dear, would you assist the young person onto the stage? Thank you so much.

Mary helps Julie onto the stage from the audience. Musical accompaniment (All I Know) or drum roll.

MORIARTY: Now, Miss, what is your name?

JULIE: My name is Julie Dorman.

MORIARTY: Julie Dorman? Not the Julie Dorman?

JULIE: Well, yes.

MORIARTY: The American millionaire's daughter? Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the New York millionairess, Miss Julie Dorman! (Applause led by Mary.) Now, my dear Miss Dorman, if you would kindly enter the cabinet, I assure you that there is nothing to fear. It's a simple trick and you will have the experience of a lifetime. (Mary leads Julie into the cabinet. Music.) And now, I draw the curtain, and (business with wand and magic mumbo-jumbo) hey presto! she is gone.

Drum roll. Opens the front curtain of the empty cabinet. More business with wand. Ryder and Horner appear and cart the cabinet off. Applause.

MORIARTY : Thank you, thank you so much. My charming assistant Mam'selle Marie. And now, goodnight, goodnight one and all. (Swirls his cloak about him and goes upstage with Mary.)

ARTHUR (from audience): Julie! Julie! (He jumps up onto stage. Moriarty turns.) It's the Professor! It's Professor Moriarty! Stop him! Julie! Mary!

His cries are drowned out after this by the band, who strike up the playout (Get Yer 'Ands Off Me). Arthur tries to run upstage after the retreating Professor, only to be met by Ryder and Horner, who pick him up under the arms and hustle him downstage. Band stop.

STEVENS: Thank you, thank you one and all. Professor James MacTavish. And now, ladies and gentlemen, there will be an interval. Thank you. (To Ryder and Horner.) Get him out, get him out. Bloomin' drunks! I'm sick of bloomin' drunks. (Arthur is hustled offstage. Playout music. Blackout.)

End of Act 1. End of extract

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