NOTE: As of August 1999 I will not be adding any new entries to this page. I made the discovery that wine is, in general, not vegan - apparently animal products such as fish scales, gelatin, egg whites and milk are using in the clarification (or 'fining') process. As an ardent vegan, I have thus switched to vegan wines. I am currently working on a new Vegan Wine Page, hopefully it will be up and running soon. I will leave this page just as it is.

Hi there, thanks for coming by! I hope you find my reviews helpful and enjoyable. I have had many positive comments from various web surfers in search of alcohol-related guidance, thank you all!

Most of the research for this page was done in Toronto, Canada, however I am now living in London, England (thus the pricing differences). After moving to the UK I didn't add many new entries due to a few things - my increased beer, lager and cider consumption, the lack of cheap wine in England, and my decreased access to the Internet.

Since I don't know a damn thing about wine, I long ago realised that there was absolutely no point in me spending a lot of money on 'good' wine, because the quality would just be wasted on me. So, I normally buy the cheapest of the cheap, usually for the sole purpose of getting sloshed - and for your drinking pleasure, here are my reviews of several memorable bottles.

All names have been changed to protect the innocent (except mine of course).

Rating system:
* * * * * This could be the start of something beautiful.
* * * * Mmmm baby that was good!
* * * Could be worse. Could be better.
* * Could definitely be better.
* Run for your lives!

The wines....

L'Ambiance * * *

Nice full-bodied French wine....oops, don't let the name fool you, this wine's from Niagara. Still, it was really tasty, and I liked the shape of the bottle.

Niagara Falls, Canada, Cartier Wines

1.5L, 11%

Apelia Dry Red * *

A little raunchy, but has a good kick to it.

Greece, D. Kourtakis

$7.45/1L, 12%

Boutari * * * * *

Unbelievably amazing wine! No bouquet to speak of, no taste to speak of....in fact, I started to wonder whether I had bought a defective bottle! This is indeed the adult version of kool-aid, only weaker. I certainly wouldn't trust this wine to save me from a 3 AM gang bang in a dark alley, but as a playful little party companion in a well-lit room of friends I can't think of a better wine to choose.Slight hangover potential, so take the necessary precautions. Cute, colourful label, makes you feel like you're in a villa on an island in Greece while meanwhile you're freezing your ass off in Toronto and trying to get loaded just to take your mind off how #@%$? cold it is. Sigh.

Greece

$11.10/1.5L, 11.5%

03/21/97

California White Wine * * * *

I started drinking this wine while doing a crossword, and after a few glasses I was making up crazy words just to fill the spaces and make myself laugh. This is the first wine that I have actually enjoyed drinking - it is sweet and mellow, with a delicious aftertaste that is like an exquisite flower blooming on your tongue. The label is nice and colourful, but the fake postcard on the back is pretty cheesy. Never mind, steam the labels off and you're left with a super-cool glass caraffe! My only problem with this otherwise-amazing wine is that although it made me pretty high and, according to my friend, "extremely boisterous", it just could not get me to the next level, i.e., all-out, fall-down, don't-remember-the-night-before drunk! On the plus side, having no hangover the next day was a real bonus.

The California Winery

$8.45/1L, 12%

Reviewed May 16, 1997

Calimocho *

When a Spanish friend of mine first told me about this drink I was very excited to try it, as it is made up of my two favourite beverages, red wine and coca cola. Upon sampling it, however, I was so repulsed that I could barely finish my glass and moved on to polish off a few cans of Super Strongbow instead, and so I am unable to say much more on the subject of calimocho. Apparently it is very popular in Spain, where it is sold in bars alongside lager and is the choice drink among underaged teenagers.

Spain

Reviewed October 1997

Carlo Rossi California Red

This wine made absolutely no impression on me. I don't even remember drinking it. But that could mean any number of things, so maybe you should just try it for yourself.

California, Carlo Rossi Vineyards

1.5L, 12%

Carlo Rossi Burgundy * *

This was a strange wine - I drank the entire 1.5L bottle in about an hour during a parade at Mardi Gras in New Orleans and didn't even get very drunk. I suspect, however, that my tolerance had been raised to an absurdly high level by a week and a half of marathon drinking. Also, being almost crushed to death in a crowd of maniacs ready to kill for a strand of ten cent plastic beads would be enough to keep anyone sober. One the bright side, I don't remember having a hangover the next day. I have no recollection of what the wine tasted like, I'm sure it was fine. Unbelievable price, but the jury's still out on this one.

California, Carlo Rossi Vineyards

US$4.87/1.5L, 11.5%

Castelli Romani *

Can you say VINEGAR???? This was the most acidic wine I've ever had the misfortune to partake of. My 16 year-old brother and I could barely choke the stuff down, but it was all I had in the house (and we needed something to calm our nerves before we tried to sneak him in to a club). The hangover I had the next day really sealed the fate of this wine in my books. Anyway, I only bought the damn wine because it had the ugliest label on the shelf and I thought well, don't judge the wine by its label, but sure enough what was inside the bottle was as hideous as what was on the outside. I learned an important lesson that day, which I am now passing on to you, my loyal and devoted readers.

Italy

$11.30/1.5L, 11.5%

04/19/97

Colli Berici * * * *

Fruity taste, kind of like sour grape juice. Nice, uplifting effect when drunk, minimal hangover. Two thumbs up!

Italy, Zonin

$11.95/1.5L, 11.5%

Concha Y Toro * * * *

After drinking a few glasses of this deliciously dry Chilean wine, I was in rough shape to say the least. I kept knocking over a huge plant at my friend "let's call her E"'s, so we had to leave before I destroyed the place -- then later at the bar I played pool with some strangers very badly, misplaced several personal items, spilled pizza all over myself, and generally went berserk. This wine definitely took me where I wanted to go, but the ride back was pretty rocky. I felt sick the entire next day...in fact I think I was still hungover two days later. Not a good scene, man.

Chile

$11.35/1.5L, 12.5%

Reviewed May 23, 1997

Cuvee de Trapiche * * *

This wine should bear a warning label saying "Warning: Consumption of this beverage may impair your judgment and cause you to jump into bed with a highly unsuitable ex, which you will most certainly regret in the morning". Not that this actually happened to me, but I'm just saying. Anyway, it was good while it lasted (the wine, that is), but the next day was indeed hell.

Bodegas Trapiche, Argentina

$7?/750ml, 12.5%

Reviewed May 29, 1997

Demestica * *

In a word: HORRIFIC. I'd rather swallow broken glass than drink this wine again!!! Shards of razor-sharp glass tearing my throat into bloody shreds might actually be more pleasant going down. The wine did give me a really good buzz, but getting drunk shouldn't be this painful.

Achaia Clauss, Greece

1L, 11.7%

04/12/97

Dois Amigos * * *

A pretty non-descript wine. Will do in a pinch. The label's not bad either. I got pretty drunk on this wine one night and ended up calling my boyfriend at the time and breaking up with him. I don't remember much else from that conversation, but it couldn't have been good, because I haven't heard from him since. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Canada, De Souza Cellars Corp., Beamsville

1.5L, 12%

Reviewed April 25, 1997

Don Julio * *

This was a nice smooth inoffensive-tasting wine, not a bad choice for your average Saturday night piss-up. Watch out for blackouts and memory loss, however, and god knows where you'll wake up the next morning. For some reason this wine made me extremely hungry, and I was forced to choke down dry white bread after discovering that my dinner had been maliciously chucked out of my third-floor window by a psychotic Frenchman in hot-pink bikini underpants. Later I played some highly interesting games of pool, and at the end of the evening lost my keys and ended up falling asleep in several different places. The worst part came the next day when I was immobilised until 6pm with the worst headache I've had since in years. So come to think of it, unless you fancy a night of chaos and a day of pain, I don't really recommend San Julio at all.

Spain

750 ml, 10.5%, 1.99 pounds (Tesco special)

Reviewed January 24, 1998

Donini Merlot delle Venezie * * *

Get ready for a rollercoaster ride with this little honey of a wine -- you'll be up, down, and all around, till you crash headlong into a deep and troubled sleep. Doesn't taste too bad -- not too great, either, so I don't recommend it very highly. Cute butterfly on the label, although I don't know what a butterfly has to do with anything.

Italy

$6-7?/1L, 11%

Entre Lacs * *

The first time I had this Niagara-region wine was at lunch at my grandmother's, and I thought it was amazing, but the second time I drank it I got really, really sick and puked in an alley. So I really don't know if I could recommend it or not. Basically you're on your own with this one.

Niagara

$10.95/1.5L

Ernest and Julio Gallo Dry Reserve * * *

I really liked this wine. I guess all that means, though, is that I could swallow it without gagging. Anyway, I'd definitely buy it again.

California, E&J Gallo Winery

$12.95?/1.5L, 12.5%

Foral * * * *

Here's a review from my AA buddy "let's call him Stan": "Smooooooth like velvet, man. This stuff slips right down your throat like rainwater sliding off glass. Once it's in your digestive system, it sends warm grapy lightning bolts up to the message centre in your brain. And then it's Happy Time!" Apparently "Stan" got so happy that he just had to call me at 3am on a Sunday night to tell me about it.

Portugal, Douro

$8/750 mL

Reviewed May 25, 1997

Gewurtztraminer *

I received a bottle of this home-made wine from my uncle "let's call him Ray" for Christmas. It smelled like an old pair of running shoes I had in grade 10. Drinking it was quite an experience. Better luck next time "Ray"!

Private label

750ml, 11.5%

01/97

Grande Reserve President Champagne * * * * *

Yes, it really is champagne that isn't made in France! Sweet, fizzy, nectar of the gods this is. I bought it originally to celebrate my ex's graduation, but when our relationship ended before his term did, the bottle languished on my shelf for months...until one day a friend noticed it and decided it would be fun to pop it off my twenty-second floor balcony - which was really cool!!! But I just hope no one got hurt from the flying cork.... Anyway, it's a joy to drink, and leaves you with the warmest glow.

Brights Wines, Niagara Falls, Canada (whoever said champagne can only be made in France?!)

$8.45/750ml, 12%

Reviewed Tuesday, June 10, 1997

Maria Christina * *

Pretty hideous stuff, but excellent value if you can stomach it.

$10.95/1.5L

Merlot * * *

This review comes from my friend "let's call him Tito": "Really grapey and good-tasting, and one of its side-effects is a total disregard for private property". Okay, here are the details: "First I started drinking the wine at home. Then I went out to a big warehouse dance club, where I drank even more, and by that time I was totally fucked up. I started smashing beer bottles in the men's room just for the sheer hell of it. Then I left the club and went on a drunken rampage through downtown Toronto, smashing car windows with a snow shovel that I had smashed till it was just a stick, and throwing frozen iceballs at storefront windows. When I got tired of that, I moved on to pushing heaps of garbage onto the street. But the climax was when I threw a metal folding chair at the side of a parked van. Then I ran up and down the streets like a fucking maniac and finally ran out of gas near the Art Gallery of Ontario, where I fell asleep in a snowbank. I woke up the next morning just in time to hop on the Dundas streetcar to work." I'd like to comment on this, but I think it speaks for itself.

Ontario

$7.90/750ml

03/97

Moody Blue * * * *

Yummy wine! Tastes like pop, with an alcoholic backhand that catches you off guard if you stand up too quickly. And you just can't beat that fake-denim label!

Montado *

SCARY SCARY SCARY. Need I say more? (Oh, it did have a nice label, but don't let that fool you, this wine was made by the Devil.)

Portugal

$6.95/750mL, 13%

Reviewed May 31, 1997

Morgan's Spiced Rum * * 1/2

I know this isn't a wine, and it also isn't especially cheap, but I feel obliged to say two things about it. First, it is heavenly to drink! Mixed with sprite it is like sweet liquid candy, mmmm!!! Second, however, it has a tendency to make people rather violent, as I discovered one night during which I almost killed one friend with his tie and another with my alarm clock. Anyway, I just felt compelled to mention this as a warning. This has been a public service announcement. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming.

Reviewed Monday 23 March 1998.

Ochagavia Cabernet * *

Watch out for this violent little wine -- if you're not careful it will grab you by the throat and wrestle you to the ground. If by some miracle you're lucky enough to live through this nightmare, you'll be painfully reminded of it the entire next day.

Chili

$6.70/750mL, 12.5%

Reviewed May 30, 1997

Peller Estates French Cross * * * *

This review comes from my friend "let's call her Shardonay": "It is incredibly cheap...you can even buy it by the box, yet it is awfully good to taste, and to get drunk on. And I think it even won some kind of award in France." Apparently a litre of French Cross was enough to get my friend pretty looped, but after a few hours of partying and making her friends cry, things went straight downhill: "Saturday morning...actually all day, I was convinced that I was going to die! Oy." Overall she gave it a four-star rating, but "maybe 3 for the hangover!"

Peller Estates

$20/3L (boxed)

09/05/97

Pinot Blanc *

Pinot Blanc and I did not get along right from the beginning. The problem was that I could not for the life of me get the damn cork out of the damn bottle, and ended up slicing it into tiny pieces with my Swiss Army knife. Of course this left many pieces of cork and cork dust floating around in the wine when I finally got to it, which didn't add to its appeal. The kicker came when I finally tasted the wine and discovered it to be the most putrid concoction imaginable. For all the effort I put into actually getting to the wine, I figured I should have been rewarded with good-tasting wine, but instead I just got the equivalent of a punch in the face. It made me wonder who the hell is buying this stuff in sufficient quantity as to keep it stocked on my local LCBO's shelves? Freaks, whoever they are.

Rousse Vineyards, Bulgaria

750ml, 12%

Reviewed July 4, 1997

Portobello * * *

My roommate bought a case of this wine (chosen because it has the same name as the area of London where we live) and proceeded to the castle of Mad King George for another night of madness. The wine itself has a really weak taste, more like grape or raspberry juice, which is just how I like it! Unfortunately its easy-to-drink nature allowed the three of us to polish off all 6 bottles in about half-an-hour. Since we had no wine left, we moved on to Diamond White Cider, but ended up pouring several bottles all over each other in a fit of hysterical laughter. Later the Hand of Justice was stolen by a freak in a suit who tried to punch someone, but that's another story. The next day wasn't too pleasant, and when I was woken up by the incessant ringing of someone's mobile I had a little tantrum and almost threw it out the window.

Italy

2.99 pounds, 750ml, 10%

Reviewed Saturday 28 March 1998.

Reserve St. Martin * * *

I was intrigued when I read on the back of the label that this wine is "fragrant, complex, and slightly herbaceous", as this was precisely how one of my ex-boyfriends once described me (not really). This is another good dinner-party wine, as it tastes pretty good and the label, which features Roman-era wall paintings which were discovered in the Languedoc where the wine is produced, are quite attractive. Doesn't seem to be very potent, however, but then again maybe after three days of solid drinking my tolerance was a little too high.

Aude, France

approx. $8, 750ml, 12%

Reviewed August 1997.

Retsina *

How this horrific fermentation can be the national wine of an entire country is something beyond my comprehension. My reaction to it was so intensely negative that my friend suggested I hold my nose while drinking it. This helped a little but made me look like a desperate alcoholic. As I could only stomach one glass of this wine, I can't really comment on it beyond its rancid taste, but let me just save you the trouble I went through and say SKIP THE RETSINA.

(Note: a month after I wrote this I found myself with nothing in the house but this left-over Retsina that I had put in the fridge, and to my surprise, chilling it made it almost bearable to drink.)

(Further note: after spending two months in Greece during the summer of 1999, I did grow much fonder of this supremely cheap tipple. There you can get massive bottles the stuff for only a few drachmas. Just make sure to drink it chilled, as I said before! Adding fruit juice to it also helps.)

Greece

$4/500ml

Reviewed June 12, 1997; summer 1999.

Rocamar *

First off, I bought this Catalonia-region wine because of its cool-sounding name - ROCAMAR, isn't it cool? Anyway, that's the only cool thing about this wine. It didn't taste too bad, but certainly not good enough for me to just drink on its own. It has a real edge to it that jumps out of the shadows at you just when you think you've made it safely through the darkness, like swallowing fire but not noticing the heat till a few seconds later. Ouch! However, the main problem with Rocamar was that, try as I might, I just could not get a buzz off it! And to add injury to insult, the next morning I woke up with a major headache. Now where's the justice in that???

Bodegas J. Sarda, Spain

$11.35/1.5L, 11%

05/10/97

Rotting Grape - Red Rott * * * * *

This was truly amazing wine, I can't recommend it highly enough. I drank a couple of bottles on a Wednesday night, got totally loaded, went to bed at 4am with everything from my scarf to my boots on, and woke up 4 hours later completely without a hangover! It really was a miracle. I did look pretty rough (or according to people at my office, "wasted" and "wrecked") at work the next day, but I can't really blame the wine for that. The label is pretty funky and cool -- it even has a little puzzle on it, but after a few glasses of the wine it gets pretty difficult to do.

B.C., Canada

$6.95/750ml, 12%

12/03/97

Rouge de France *

Not recommended. I found that even though I drank my usual amount, this wine brought me nowhere near my desired level of inebriation, which is definitely points against. Tasted bad, too, and had an ugly label. I would say that one could definitely live a highly satisfying and fulfilling life without ever encountering a bottle of Rouge de France.

France

03/05/97

Stamps of Australia * * *

A good, solid wine. I'd strongly recommend this wine for dinner parties, birthday and housewarming gifts, etc. Nice label features two kangaroo stamps, which I tried to pry off but finally realised they are part of the label. I was impressed with the exhaustive list of information about the wine on the back of the label, which covered everything from grape variety to serving temperature. As for taste, the label describes it as "Rich mulberry/cherry fruit, integrated vanillan oak, soft finish", but I would sum it up as "Very grapey". For the suggested accompaniments, the label says "Beef, veal, lamb, pork, game, duck, pasta and blue or matured cheeses", but since I'm a vegetarian this was not very helpful. However, I can confidently say that this wine goes very nicely with BBQ potato chips and cigarettes. The cellaring recommendation was "Good drinking now, but will develop further with two or three years bottle maturation." I can't imagine who would take the time to age an $8 bottle of wine three years, but what do I know.

Adelaide, Australia

approx. $8/750ml, 12.5%

Reviewed July 1997.

Super Strongbow Cider * * * * * * * * * *

Not a wine, I know. But this was, for a time known as my 'lost years', my signature drink - it is the best value around, with a high alcohol content and a low price, and it's very tasty too! For novices, I would suggest starting out slowly, with one or two cans to see how things go. Super Strongbow goes down so smoothly that you've got to watch how fast you drink it or you'll find yourself all-of-a-sudden really drunk. I managed to raise my tolerance up to 5 or 6 cans, but this was through months and months of heavy daily drinking, which I wouldn't really recommend to anyone. One good thing about Super Strongbow is that it can, after only 1 or 2 cans, vastly improve any pool-playing skills you may have. Plus it makes you an excellent conversationalist. As you can tell, I just love this stuff!!! No really, to be honest, this stuff is POISON you mad people, don't you dare drink this stuff or I will personally come over to your house and give you a good slap!

0.99 pounds, 500ml, 7.5%

Research begun January 1998; ended 2000

Super Stong Lagers

Coming soon...a comparative survey of various ultra-cheap super strong lagers, including (among others) Tennant's and Crest, written by one of my drinking partners "let's call him Digby"(if his liver holds out long engouh!).... I've been waiting years for these reviews now "Digby"!!!!!!

� 0.99 and up, 9-10%

Research begun January 1998; ended 2000

Tocornal Cabernet Merlot * * *

I must say, I thought this was nice wine. It even came with a cork, not a screw-on top. Now that's class!

Chile, Central Valley

$12.95/1.5L, 12.5%

Vendange Zinfandel *

This is the worst wine I've ever had. First of all, it tasted horrible. Second, it did not give me even the slightest buzz, but what it did give me was one wicked, splitting, pounding, for-the-love-of-god-kill-me-now-and-put-me-out-of-my-misery headache the next morning!!!

California

$12.95?/1.5L, 13.5%

Well that's all folks!

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After you've sampled the goods from this page, you'll need to check out My Super Anti-Hangover Page!
For any ethical drunks out there, see my Vegan Wine Page.
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To my homepage.

Wine Tip: To make cheap wine more palatable, mix it with Sprite (lemonade in the UK).
Other useful wine and wine-related pages: Learn2 Speak Wine and Learn2 Choose Wine.

All prices are in Canadian dollars and British pounds, unless otherwise stated. Prices subject to change without notice.

PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.
PLEASE DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRINK AND DRIVE.