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Michelle's Pregnancy Journal - Page 23
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September 25, 2002 31w2d
I'm a Hormonal Wreck :)

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    Boy, am I turning into a hormonal wreck these days. I haven't really been all that weepy during this pregnancy until just very recently. Today takes the cake, though. I was in the lecture for the class I TA for and the professor put in a video of an Irish emigrant song. It is, admittedly, a very sad song. It's based on the real letters from a father in Ireland to his son in America in the late 19th century. In all of the letters, the father tells the son how much he misses him. Well, the whole time, my beautiful baby girl was kicking away at me, and I got to thinking, "What if she ever left and I never got to see her again?" So I'm absolutely fighting back tears, but then in the last verse, the father dies and another son writes to his brother to tell him of the death. He mentions how the dad talked about him all the time at the end. I just lost it. I was totally crying. And of course since that was the end of the song, the prof flips the light back on. It's also the end of class and my students have a paper due Friday so several of them swarmed me to ask questions. And here I am trying to wipe away the tears and keep my voice steady!! I felt like such a geek. Hormones suck!
     Well, I finished breaking the news to my professors about me leaving. One was kind of a jerk. I thought perhaps I was reading too much into his letter, but Nate picked up on the same snide undertone that I did. It seems perfectly nice on the surface, but there is this whole undercurrent of, "You can't hack having a baby and doing grad school." Which if he'd paid attention to my letter at all, he would have realized that I started making this decision long before I was ever pregnant. But the great thing was, it didn't even bother me! Three weeks ago, that would have upset me so much. But I'm so confident in my decision and so looking forward to leaving that it didn't even phase me.
     The other two were much nicer, which didn't surprise me. They are from two of my favorite people in the program. One was great simply because it was so clear that he really understood where I was coming from, that I'm leaving the program because I'm not meant to be a historian, not because I'm some weak woman who can't handle both at once. And then the other one was so sweet it almost made me cry. It's from the guy I TA for right now. This is the second time I've TA'd for him and he is a little eccentric, but I always knew he had a soft spot for me. Basically, he said he wanted to take me out to a nice lunch off campus so we could talk about my future, and then ended it simply with, "You have been a wonderful TA - I'll miss you very much." Made me a little weepy, but as we've just established, a lot of things do that these days. :)
     I still haven't told any of my fellow students. In fact, I'm not going to be entirely up front with them. I'm just going to say I'm taking a leave of absence, which will surprise no one. And technically, that's true - I really am taking a leave of absence next year. But when I tell them, I will leave off the part about having no intention of returning. I hate being dishonest, but this has been such an emotional decision that I don't want to expend the emotional energy it would take to recount the story over and over. Plus, I don't want to deal with the people who, like my one prof, don't understand my reasons and give me attitude about it.
     Well, I think that's about it. I hope to take a new belly pic soon, so I'll check back in when that is done.

September 26, 2002 31w3d
It's Getting So Real...

   It's odd the things that set me off these days. I was just looking at our pictures of the nursery and reading my little bit about putting the musical toy above the changing table to help distract the baby when she's fussing during a change. All of a sudden, I had this vivid image of me changing a squirming newborn, and I just started to cry. I realized just how close to being a reality that image is! I have a "ticker" for counting down until my due date at a website I visit frequently, and it is now under two months. I can hardly believe it. I'm so thrilled and excited and overjoyed...and occasionally scared. But mostly just the first three. :) And yet that two months also still seems SO LONG, too. An online friend who is due the week before me gave me a good way to help put things even in further in perspective. My baby girl will be considered full term and labor will not be stopped once she reaches 36 weeks. THAT mark is only one month and two days away! Now I know I can't (and shouldn't!) place any bets on being in L&D on that day or anything, but it does help to break things up into smaller chunks, little milestones.
     I just can't explain the overwhelming emotions I feel right now.   I never thought I could feel anything so amazing in my life. And it helps that she is really getting active these days. Not only that, but I'm actually beginning to really feel HER, and not just random belly jiggles that I know she caused. When I lay my hand on my tummy and she moves, I can actually feel something solid and real under the surface, and when I roll over at night from one side to the other, I can feel her for the brief second that all of my weight is on my belly. The sensation is just so...well, really, there's no word that can accurately describe it. Sometimes I feel like I could cry all day long from all the beautiful emotions surging inside me right now. I can't begin to fathom what it will be like when I finally hold that beautiful little girl in my arms for the first time.
     Oh, drat...I'm crying AGAIN!
     On a totally unrelated, but very happy note, I just wanted to send HUGE congratulations to my brother-in-law (Nate's younger brother), Tony. He took his GRE (the grad school equivalent of the SAT) today and I picked him up from the testing site. He took the computer-based test (I don't think they even offer the paper-based anymore), so he got his scores instantly. First thing I asked when he got in the car was, "So, gonna share?" I assumed he would do well because he's one of the brightest guys I know, but get a load of this: he got a 640 on the verbal portion, a 720 on the quantitative (math) portion, and he got an 800 out of 800 on the analytical portion of the exam!!! I've never met anyone who got an 800 on any part of the exam before!! WAY TO GO TONY! I hope he doesn't mind me sharing his scores publicly, but he certain has nothing to be ashamed of. :)
     One last thing...I just wanted to wish my dad a happy birthday today!! Being that he's in China, I know he's not reading this, but I wanted to wish him a public happy birthday anyway. Hope you're not too miserable in China today, Dad!

September 26, 2002 31w3d
Part II

Just a quick note to direct you to my latest belly shot...

October 6, 2002 32w6d
Another Good Appointment

    I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote in this!! I really had the best of intentions of writing more often again, but things are so busy right now. Last week was a particularly busy one. One of my classes just started because my professor's wife just gave birth to their first baby in mid-September. So he took a personal leave for the early part of the semester until his daughter was born, but that means that we now have to meet twice as much to make up for lost time. Not only did that begin last week, my students turned in both a paper and a test and I've been working like a maniac to get them graded. Finally, I had a doctor's appointment AND an infant/child first aid and CPR class AND our last session of our birthing class. Needless to say, I barely felt like I had time to take a breath since the last time I wrote in this. Fortunately, most of last week wasn't interesting enough to write about here anyway.   Unless someone really, desperately wants to know what I thought of David Potter's The Impending Crisis. :)
     My last appointment was very good. I didn't gain any weight, my uterus is now measuring right on schedule, and my blood pressure is doing amazingly well - I actually had my lowest reading so far this pregnancy, 100/60. And our little girl's heartbeat was a beautiful 152. So although I'm finally starting to get to the point where pregnancy is more plain than pleasure, all is still well! Let's just hope maybe I can actually find a reliable way to sleep...
     So everything is fine, just very busy. I hope to take another belly picture this week - I'll check in again after that.

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