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Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of cheerios?
A: oh, look, donut seeds!
Q: Why do doctors smack babies on the butt when they're born?
A: To knock the dicks off all the stupid ones!
Q: What's the ultimate example of trust?
A: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find Three Wise Men or a Virgin!!
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
A pretty young blonde, tired of all the insults about her intelligence due to the color of her hair, decided to take matters into her own hands and change her life by changing her hair color to brown. She thus became a stunning brunette. Early one Saturday morning, while taking a drive in the country, she came upon a meadow filled with a herd of sheep. She was immediately taken with the sheep, thinking they were the most adorable animals she had ever seen. She stopped her car, moved close to the fence, and yelled to the farmer, who owned the herd, "If I can guess exactly the number of sheep that you have here in this herd, may I have one?" Reluctantly, he said, "OK!" After pausing for a moment, she said, "There are exactly 352 sheep in this meadow." The farmer was amazed that she had guessed correctly, but because of his agreement, he allowed the young lady to take her pick. Slowly she walked through the herd until she spotted the one that she thought was the most adorable and the most frolicsome. She picked it up and started for her car. The farmer said, "Excuse me, Miss, but if I can correctly guess the color of your hair, may I have my dog back?"
Q: How did the redneck's wife know that her daughter was on the rag?
A: She tasted it on her son's dick.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger.
A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
Q: What do Greg Norman, The Bills & Michael Hutchence have in common?
A: They all choke at really inappropriate moments.
Q- What is white and slides down the wall?
A- George Michaels latest release!
Q- How much does a pirate charge for corn?
A- A Bucaneer!
Blame Brenda Dunlop for that joke
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and
says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees
Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I
spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly.
Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I
did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"
St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
Thanks to Rian Kuyk for these three jokes!
A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.
Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people
because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom
and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was
in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute
and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."
This joke was submitted by R.B.Yumul
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