HOFFY'S HAVEN- SICK JOKES ARCHIVE TWO

Hoffy's Joke Archive, Be Warned They're Tasteless So Read At Your Own Risk!

Q: What's the one thing worse that a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.

Q: Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf?
A: Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

There are four engineers traveling in a car when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer says, "It sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again." "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clean out the fuel system. "I think it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing up to this point, and say, "Well, what do *you* think?" "Um, how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

One day this lunatic man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The crazy man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it." Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly. The insane man says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder." So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall to his death. The original man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"

There was this lady siting in a park by a lake. She had no arms and no legs. A jogger comes by and see the lady crying and says "why are you crying", and the woman says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been hugged before." So the jogger feels sorry for her and hugs her. Another jogger comes by and sees the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been kissed before", the jogger feels sorry for her and kisses her. Another jogger comes by and see the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been fucked before." So the jogger picks the lady up, throws her in the lake and says "you're fucked now........"

Did you know that Mike Tyson apologized to Evander Holyfield, but it just went in one ear.

Do you know what Ellen Degeneres said to Kathy Gifford?
Can I be Frank with you?

Did you know that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake!

Do you know why Cunanan changed clothes after killing Versace?
He decided Versace didn't look good on him.

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!" "Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do. "Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison." "Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man. "Yes, you must do that or he'll die." He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die, mate. You're gonna die."

A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give him all kinds of trouble...the engine sputters, steam pours out of his hood and there's fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic tells him it'll be at least a half-hour until he can even tell him what the problem is. The penguin walks around, has a cup of coffee and then comes across an ice cream shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone, getting it all over his face. He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and tells him "Looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin says "No! Really, I just had an ice cream cone!"

What do all Tickle Me Elmo dolls get before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.

11 Reasons Why e-mail is like a Penis:
1. Some folks have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think that it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it. (e-mail envy)
6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrants.
11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says, "nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

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