HOFFY'S HAVEN- SICK JOKES ARCHIVE ONE

Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??" the man replied "somersaults." "Wow, somersaults!!!!!! said the man in astonishment "how many of them does it do?" "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it!" the man replied.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two- one to screw it in and one to blow me.

How do you make a blondes eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ears.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "give me twenty five shots of your finest malt whiskey". After the bartender does this the man goes 'chug, chug, chug, etc....' and downs the lot of them. The bartender says to the guy "mate, that was the most amazing drinking effort that i've ever seen!". To this the man says "well you'd do the same, mate if you had what i've got"! "What have you got"? asked the concerned bartender. "25 cents!" yelled the guy as he ran out of the bar .

What is the diference between Gerri (Sexy Spice) and a rottweiler?
Lipstick.

How can you tell if another blondes been using your computer?
There's writing on the white-out.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You never know how long it's going to be until they go down on you.

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens the door there's a snail at the door so he picks it up and throws it away as hard as he can. Three years later he hears another knock at the door, he opens it and it's the same snail. "Hey!" says the snail, "what was that all about?"

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Most men will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball!

How do you stop a dog from having sex with your leg?
Pick it up and suck it's dick!

...that a homeless family lives underneath it.

...that it has only seen my balls in pictures.

...that it graduated a year ahead of me in high school.

...that there once was a movie made called Godzilla V's My Dick.

...that I can never sit in the front row.

...that it has an elbow.

...that it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Lets have lunch with my dick.

For lots more big dick jokes check out Drew Carey's book Dirty Jokes and Beer. It is an absolute crack up!

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit!"

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the other, I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, " Will you watch us have intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you intercourse." and charged them $16.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. Holiday Inn charges $60.00. Hilton Hotel charges $42.00. We do it here for $16.00 and I get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor office.

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your peg leg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off." The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard." Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye." The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... he got fired too."

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavor than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

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