A first sergeant must be a magician as he/she has to be in several places at the same time�in the administarive section, out inspecting the dormitories, or off-base investigating an incident. He/she must be at the NCO Club arranging a party, sitting on a recognition board, council meeting, staff meeting, attending a special court-martial as a witness, out in the duty sections checking on morale, or reporting to the Installation Commander when one of his/her people got caught out of uniform. He/she must be in the office consoling an NCO who didn�t get promoted, explaining to an irate husband or wife why his/her husband had to go TDY on their wedding anniversary, interrogating an person on a traffic violation or answering letters of indebtedness to complaining creditors.

He/she must be an engineer, conversant with the mechanical intricacies of washing machines, dryers, vacuum cleaners, buffers, electric lamps, wall plugs, computers, plugged commodes, motion picture projectors, air conditioning units, boilers and and expert building painter. He/she must be a first class gardener and landscaper as well as a fire and garbage inspector, and a qualified expert emergency repairman of radios and television sets.

He/she must be an expert interior decorator who can furnish and decorate a 20� X 40� day room and make it look like the lobby of the Waldorf Astoria and must be able to do it on $10. He/she must be an expert seamstress who can manufacture the finest drapes out of old condemned sheets, athletic uniforms and old dirty socks found in the laundry room. He/she has to be a capable artist who can plan, draw and paint murals and other artistic items throughout his/her unit and he/she must be willing to decorate the dining hall and recreation buildings upon request. He/she must talk gently to the installation commander and his/her staff, rough to enlisted offenders, pleasant to civilians, discuss football and basketball with the gym staff and in the next instant, listen to a tale of woe from a bankrupt member of his/her unit.

He/she must be a qualified supply person, thoroughly conversant with the latest Supply Manual, and follow all instructions to the letter, yet on sudden notice, or when the unit account is busted, he/she must scrounge any and all supply items in ten minutes without regard to established supply procedures. He/she must furnish immediately without question, a detail of 10 men as demanded by the installation commander, or anyone else in the pecking order. He/she must then listen patiently to section NCOICs who give 10,000 reasons why they can�t let someone go on the detail, yet immediately receive a three-day pass on the same person that has been approved by his NCOIC and OIC. He/she must be able to furnish opinions on the Uniformed Code of Military Justice and must be prepared to support his/her judgment, up to and including, the Supreme Court. He/she must be able to work all day, work all night, Saturdays and Sundays and still maintain a cheerful, happy, highly motivated attitude in spite of getting chewed out by all of his 500 bosses for failure to immediately respond to their 10,000 orders, directives, regulations, policies, wishes and personal whims.

He/she must be able to drink scotch with colonels, bourbon with the staff, beer with the troops, tea with the NCO wives, and cokes with the Family Service volunteers. He/she must know every phone number on base and provide the information immediately upon demand.

He/she must spend like a drunken sailor, yet is expected to save like a miser. He/she must give generously to all charities; donate funds for every birthday, wedding, new baby, promotion and hail and farewell; then he/she is expected to have 20 immaculate uniforms and must change them at least twice a day. With all this, he/she must then listen patiently to an "E-9" who draws flying and proficiency pay, explain why he can�t afford to buy a new hat.

He/she is a buyer, seller, technician, physician, electrician, a new dealer, old dealer, wheeler dealer, junk dealer and a fast dealer. He/she must be a Republican, a Democrat, a politician, a whiz at coaching football, basketball, horseshoes and managing self-help dormitory projects.

He/she must be a suave talker, adept in all subjects, yet diplomatic enough not to offend anyone. He/she must be able to talk all day, yet say nothing. He/she must be a traveler, a liar, a philanthropist, a psalmist, a mind reader, a hypnotist and a plain DAMN FOOL for ever becoming a first sergeant.

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