Wow, we've come quite a way in our story so far eh folks? Well we can go even farther my friends, farther into the abyss of insanity. Or not. Actually not sure about this latest installment, part 5 is actually the only section I don't have any idea about, and will be writing from the top of my head, without really any amusing catchphrases or other one liners I've come up with at work on when pondering what next to write. This one will come straight off the top of my head, and may suffer for it. So I hope you enjoy this latest installment of the Darkwood Story. and if you don't, well I at least have some plans for 6 and 7 that should end this puppy on a close to high note.

Part 5: The Diablos Factor

As you may remember our hero Darkwood has just finished with a mission into the very heart of the evil CoL, their pantaloon factory. Upon the destruction of the factory and saving the princess from the clutches of Kenny G, Darkwood and the remaining members of the party, Darren and Nighteyes, wolfies both, are now in the center of CoL dominance, in the city of Amador itself, hitting bars. Darkwood is also still searching for his brother. We take you to their bar hopping, already in progress.

Nighteyes: So, seriously guys, what should we do? I mean the story has already lagged about two weeks from the time the intro was written to now? DW? This is your story, come up with somethin'.

Darkwood: I dunno, visit a couple bars, perhaps advance the plot through meaningless happenings to at least get us over this mid epic hump?

Random passerby: Heh heh, hump. heh.

Darkwood and company take down the random passerby and beat the chuckle right out of him.

Darkwood: well that was a good time, what now? I think we wasted a couple words anyway.

Darren: Both of you guys make me wonder man, we're in Amador! Party central if you will, follow me, if your story can't be interesting, at least you'll have fun!

Darkwood and Nighteyes turn to each other and do the characteristic 'man I'm not sure what that guy has in mind and want to convey that to the reading audience, still, we might as well follow and find out because we have nothing better to do shrug (or as it's called in some places, RJ patented character gesture #35)'

The group enters a shady looking bar.

You can call 8-ball in the corner when you're shootin' pool,
But when you play the game of life ain't no stupid rules.
You gotta go for yours at all times,
Cuz if you don't brother yours'll be mines.
And I won't go to bed early, won't sleep to late,
And I'll never take a ......

Darkwood zoned out the music, because it was the kind that really wasn't appropriate for a PG-13 story. After dismissing the music Darkwood noticed the rest of the bar. he saw the shadowed corners filled with folk engaging in questionable behavior, possibly illegal, but that wasn't the extent of it, up on a raised platform there were.....women....dancing.

Darkwood: Scandalous!!!

Darren: Oh take it easy and sit your prudish Ogier ass down.

Darkwood: Well I really don't think.... *a girl on stage dances toward DW* well maybe for a moment.

Darren: So man do you want a drink or sumthin? I know I do!

Darren looks over and sees Darkwood, eyes to the stage, wearing a baseball cap backwards, smoking a giant ogier cigar with one hand holding a drink and the other reaching an Andoran silver towards the stage. At first the wolfie is somewhat confused by all this, but then he realizes this is the author's way of injecting the idea of what one second in a seedy bar has done to the most innocent of youngin's in Darkwood, along with speeding up the process of the transformation somewhat so we can skip past life altering events and go straight for minutae.

Darren: Now that's the spirit, what'll ya have man? First rounds on me.

Darkwood: I'll have milk.

Darren: ooookay.

He turns and yells to the bartender.

Darren: I'll have a gin and tonic to start bartender, and bring my friend here a glass of *coughs*milk*cough*

The entire bar goes quiet.

Bartender: You'll have what?

Darren: No no, not me, this big dumb looking trolloc here will have a glass of milk.

Bartender: *spits* No you misunderstand me, I have no trouble with your friend, but what kind of weird establishment do you think i'm runnin here? *Darren looks around and sees everyone with glasses of milk*

Darren: Oh you gotta be f&*#ing kidding me!? Aw man this is the stupidest plot twist I've ever seen in my life, dumb a$$ bar that only serves milk? *sighs*

Bartender: That's it young man, we don't allow potty mouths in here neither.

Darren: yeah yeah figures.

Bartender: You gettin lippy with me boy. I'll have you know I'm a ninth degree Tenchu master, trained in the art of kicking yellow eyed freak butt.

Darren: Yeah calm down there old fellow, I was just leaving. Anyway Darkwood, let's roll man. *looks around and can't find Darkwood.* Now where the hell.....?

The bartender points up to the stage where Darkwood is pulling one of the dancer's hair

Darkwood: C'mon! let me see your ears sweet thang? I'll show ya somethin' my daddy taught me. That's right *does the patented Darkwood family pants drop* HOW'S THIS FOR HASTY!?

Darren and Darkwood are both gathered up and pushed and shoved toward the exit.

Darkwood: Ow, ow, hey! stop poking me! OW!!! Darren, where's Night anyway?

Darren: Over there in that group of women. *points to about ten women gathered around Nighteyes.* I don't know how he does it but God Bless that little bastard. You know he once owned three ajahs?

Bartender: Save it for the street. Out ya go!

And with that Darren and Darkwood were ceremoniously tossed out of the bar and out onto the road.

Darren: Well that sucked.

Darkwood: yeah I can't believe they kicked us out.

Darren: No I mean that story sucked. try a little harder in the future okay, no more writing schlock from now on. Anyway take it easy, I'm gonna try another bar, don't follow me this time.....

Darren wanders off muttering to himself.

All alone again, Darkwood presses on. He's determined to find his brother before the night is out, and before the next part of the story, because quite frankly the whole brother thing was a sidetrack to begin with and it's just been carried too far. Out from a dark alley darts a lone figure, dressed completely in rags.

Filthy Begger: Hey, I'm a filthy begger, follow me.

Sure that this must be some special plot turn Darkwood needed for his story he did follow the filthy begger. After following him through two dark alleys, stopping at Dairy Queen for a couple swirl cones, and mooning a line of people waiting to see the stage production of Darkwood 1, already popular in the underground, the two arrived at the same alley they started.

Filthy Begger: Well I had a good time tonight, call me sometime okay.

Darkwood: Um, yeah, i was kind of hoping you'd know where I was supposed to go next.

Filthy Begger: Damnit Jim I'm a Doctor not a Tourguide!!!!!

Darkwood: I'm not Jim, you're not a doctor, and to put it in terms you'll understand. I'm tired of this aimless rambling, and I'm bigger than you. Tell me where to go next, and tell me now.

Filthy Begger: Well I never! I thought the way I was treated in the Jim Blonde's last silly tale was bad enough, but this is simply uncalled for, I'm an artist, not something that can be kicked around.

Darkwood: Oh, sorry. well can you please tell me where the plot goes from here.

Filthy Begger: Certainly, you see that warehouse over there? *points* Go there, the answers you seek about your brother lie there.

Darkwood: And my bride? will she be there as well?

Filthy Begger: With two more parts to go before this story is over? are you kidding me? dufus

The filthy begger wanders off chuckling about Darkwood's stupidity.

Darkwood: Hey, there was no filthy begger in Blondie's last story! Bah! Filthy Begger!!!!!

Filthy Begger from a block away: I heard that.

Darkwood grumbles some, and then goes on his way to the warehouse.

Darkwood: That filthy begger better not have lied to me.

Cut to a narrative done by Sean Connery. Because he's just so damn English!!!

And indeed the filthy begger did not lie, as Darkwood would soon find out. Walking carefully so as not to disturb the chipmunks Darkwood..

Director: Um Mr. Connery, there are no chipmunks in this scene. There are no chipmunks in the entire story!

Movie Legend and greatest actor of all time, Mr. Sean Connery: I just think that the scene would be greatly enhanced by chipmunks is all.

Director: Well what the hell do you know?

Movie Legend and greatest actor of all time, Mr. Sean Connery: I'm Sean Bloody Connery! and if I say there will be chipmunks, then you can bet your ass there'll be chipmunks.

Director: Look old man i'm sure back on the sets of all those Bond movies you were treated like quite the star, but last time I checked it reads director on one chair only, and that's the one I'm sitting in!

Movie Legend and greatest actor of all time, Mr. Sean Connery: If the chair said 'God' on it I still wouldn't give a damn.

Director: Now you listen here....

Movie Legend and greatest actor of all time, Mr. Sean Connery: Look if you don't put some bloody chipmunks into the scene I'll rip your balls off and feed them to my cat.

Director: Um yeah, so cue the chipmunks.

Movie Legend and greatest actor of all time, Mr. Sean Connery: Excellent, c'mere lil' chipmunk, yes, your a cutie aren't you? yes you are.

Director: Erm....

Movie Legend and greatest actor of all time, Mr. Sean Connery: Yes what is it lad?

Director: Can we go on with the story now?

Movie Legend and greatest actor of all time, Mr. Sean Connery: Oh yes, go ahead, me and my furry friend will be over there, resting quietly and watching First Knight, or maybe the Rock. hmmm, perhaps some of my old Bond films eh little chipmunk?

Director: yeah..... anyway. Darkwood enters the warehouse without any more preamble, simply glad of the fact that he got his story back from that evil director type guy. Though it did swell him with pride to have the man, the myth Sean Connery in his drab little production, but enough of this backstage stuff, you all will begin to think this isn't real, and that it didn't really happen. And well it didn't, but bloody hell this story is gonna make sense damnit!!!!

As DW enters the warehouse the lights flash on and a loud speaker booms.

DARK ONE: JUSTEN DIABLOS, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

cut to music

I've had choices, since the day that I was born
There were voices, that told me right from wrong
If i had listened, No I wouldn't be here today,
Living and Dying with the choices that I made.

I was tempted, by an early age I found,
I liked drinkin', oh and I never turned it down.
There were loved ones, but I turned them all away,
Now I'm living and dying, with the choices I've made.

I've had choices, since the day that I was born
There were voices, that told me right from wrong
If i had listened, No I wouldn't be here today,
Living and Dying with the choices that I made.

I guess I'm paying, for the things I have done,
If I could go back, Oh Lord knows I'd run,
But I'm still losin', this game of life I play,
Living and Dying, with the choices I've made.

I've had choices, since the day that I was born
There were voices, that told me right from wrong
If i had listened, No I wouldn't be here today,
Living and Dying with the choices that I made.

Darkwood: Yeah okay well that's deep and all and lord knows I love me some George Jones but really, what does that have to do with me? and erm, why did you call Justen?

DARK ONE: YOU KNOW DARKWOOD, LONG HAVE I WATCHED THESE TALES OF YOURS, AND SO I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE NOT REALLY ALL THAT BRIGHT....

Darkwood: um, well yeah, erm, I suppose.

DARK ONE: YES WELL LET ME EXPLAIN IT BETTER THAN. YOU'VE LIVED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AS AN OGIER DEALING WITH THE DIABLOS FACTOR, YOU SEE THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF JUSTEN IN EVERYTHING YOU DO. TO YOU, JUSTEN IS A MAJOR PART OF YOU.

Darkwood: And what am I to Justen?

DARK ONE: A SNEAKY WAY OF GETTING HOTTIE BRITISH CHICKS TO CYBER MARRY HIM, NOW STOP INTERUPTING, AND LISTEN FOR ONCE.

Darkwood: Sorry, I'll try.

DARK ONE: ANYWAY NO DOUBT YOUR LACK OF INTELLIGENCE WILL KEEP YOU FROM WONDERING WHY I'M HERE UNTIL AFTER I'M GONE, SO I'LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION IN ADVANCE.

Darkwood: Thanks!

DARK ONE: DAMNIT MAN I'LL CURSE YOU TO ETERNAL DARKNESS IF YOU INTERUPT AGAIN. WELL ACTUALLY THAT WOULD LEAVE YOU SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TRAPPED IN THE UNDERWORLD WITH ME, SO, UM, BAG THAT. ANYWAY, THE EXPLANATION IS A SIMPLE ONE. YOU SEE, FORTY SEVEN YEARS AGO......

seventeen hours later

DARK ONE: SO YOU SEE, THAT WAS MY SENIOR PROM, PERHAPS A MAJOR REASON FOR MY BECOMING THE EVIL OVERLORD YOU SEE BEFORE YOU NOW.

Darkwood: Right well, that's interesting and all, but erm, can we get on with this?

DARK ONE: OF COURSE, YOU ARE A HASTY ONE YOUTH, HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE THE PATIENCE TO WAIT OUT THIS PROCESS, THERE IS MUCH FOR YOU TO GAIN.

Darkwood: I stand ready master.

DARK ONE: NO NO NO, I'M DEFINETLY NOT YOUR MASTER, STAY WITH THE LIGHT KID, EVIL'S JUST NOT SOMETHING EVERYONE CAN GET INTO. NOW, HERE IS THE FIRST VOICE FROM THE PAST. A PAST THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN, YET IT IS YOUR OWN.

Darkwood: Right well that made sense sure enough.

Darkwood proceeds to make the crazy man gestures behind Shai'tan's back

DARK ONE: I'M OMNIPOTENT IDIOT, SO I SAW THAT. NOW, PAY ATTENTION.

A woman's voice echoes: Hey Justen, I was the first true friend you made at DM. I'm sure your ICQ is practically cluttered with all the conversations we had since near the very beginning. sometimes two and three hours at a stretch, almost every day you and I spoke. Some of the craziest and weirdest stuff to ever make conversation with and somehow we managed not to frighten each other or bore each other and somehow became close friends.

Darkwood: Lilli! is that you Lilli?

Lilli Mandragoran: Yes, it's me Justen.

Darkwood: But wait, why do i remember you? I'm not Justen, I'm Darkwood! Darkwood!!!

DARK ONE: SHE'S GONE NOW, APPARANTLY SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE THAN I DO, BUT YOU ARE STARTING TO UNDERSTAND AREN'T YOU? PAY ATTENTION.

A male voice from the past: Hey Justen! It's me Paityr!

Darkwood: Who?

Paityr: C'mon man, it's me! Paityr! C'mon man you know me! The igloo dwellin', tree huggin, hippy!

Darkwood: Sorry bro but I just can't place ya.

Paityr: Quit kidding around! dude we're like best friends!!!!

Darkwood just shakes his head and looks at the sky.

Darkwood: So is that proof against your arguments Dark One!? I don't remember this man.

DARK ONE: THIS PROVES NOTHING EXCEPT THAT OVER THE COURSE OF YOUR EXISTANCE YOU'VE MANAGED TO FORGET YOU EVER KNEW PAITYR. SOMETHING I'M SURE ALL OF US HAVE TRIED TO DO ON OCCASION.

Paityr: Hey! I heard that!

DARK ONE: NO MATTER. PAY ATTENTION.

Another woman's voice: Justen sweetie, cookies.

Darkwood: Now that's a voice I remember, LEO!

Leonora: Good, you remembered me, you better have, after all I've done to become your #1 lackey! and shame on you for mixing me up in whatever you're doing. Ogier? the Dark One? Bah!

Darkwood: Sorry Leo.

Leonora: Well that'll have to do I guess, anyway I have to go scratch Rico with my porno nails now, since your too busy with all of this ogier business.

Darkwood: Porno Nails? Hey wait!! awwww heck, and gosh darn!

DARK ONE: HEH HEH HEH, WOW THAT'S QUITE A BOOMING LAUGH I'VE GOT EH? ANYWAY SHE'S GONE NOW, BUT THERE ARE OTHERS. I'LL LIST A FEW THINGS AND TELL ME THE FIRST THING THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD.

'EoL'

Darkwood: Rico

'ALCOHOL'

Darkwood: Lefty

'NEW ORLEANS'

Darkwood: Boyle

'THE PLAID'

Darkwood: Darren.

'N'SYNC'

Darkwood promptly throws up.

Darkwood: Had to slip that one in there huh? Damn you evil one! Damn you!!!!!!

DARK ONE: HA, DON'T QUESTION ME INFADEL, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'RE GETTING WHAT YOU SEEK, AND SOON YOU'LL BE ENLIGHTENED, ALL FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF YOU NEVER, EVER BECOMING A DARKFRIEND, OR ASSOCIATING WITH ME IN ANY WAY. DEAL?

Darkwood: Deal. heh heh, I just made a deal with the Devil. hehe

DARK ONE: YES THAT'S GREAT, JUST KEEP THE FACT THAT YOU EVER MET ME BETWEEN US OKAY? I MUST SAY PEOPLE FINDING OUT I'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH YOU WOULD NOT GO OVER WELL IN THE EVIL CIRCLES, AND WITH DEMANDRED'S EGO, LANFEAR'S AMBITION, AND SAMMAEL'S PINK TUTU I COULD BE IN DANGER OF LOSING MY JOB, AND I SO VERY MUCH LIKE USING ALL CAPS.

Darkwood: I won't tell anyone, I promise.

DARK ONE: FINE THEN, LET ME CONCLUDE, YOU HAVE ONE LAST PERSON YOU MUST DEAL WITH.

A woman's voice: Why hello there Justen.

Darkwood: Why does everyone call me Justen? My name isn't Justen!

The woman:Fine then, how will the defendant be?

Darkwood: For a name, you want to call me the defendant? What the hell? that's just crazy!!!

The woman: By crazy you would mean, insane?

Darkwood: Of course, what else would I mean lass?

The woman: And you use the term 'lass' as a slang term to indicate me, as a woman, correct?

Darkwood: Yeah I guess that's about the size of it. Look what's the deal here?

The Woman: That's a good question 'the defendant' what is the deal?

Darkwood: Ahh bloody hell this one's a lawyer!!!!

DARK ONE: TEE HEE. YUP.

Darkwood: Curse you Dark One!!!!

DARK ONE: THANK YOU, BUT FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NO WHERE, LET US GET ON WITH THIS EH?

The Dark One promptly banishes the lawyer to somewhere much less comfortable, Nebraska.

Darkwood: Yes, lets.

DARK ONE:WELL THEN, PAY....

Darkwood: attention, yes i get it damnit, let's go.

DARK ONE: WELL THERE'S NO NEED TO BE RUDE, SOME CIVILITY TOWARDS SOMEONE WHO'S SHAPED THE WORLD AND BECOME A DIETY WOULD BE NICE. I MAY BE EVIL, BUT I HAVE FEELINGS, AND THEY GET HURT AS EASY AS YOURS.

Darkwood: Um, sorry bout that Shait' I never knew.

DARK ONE: SHUT UP LIGHTFOOL, AND PAY ATTENTION. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Another woman: Yo Yo

Darkwood: 'Lecia! I would know that yo anywhere.

Darkwood pounces on 'Lecia in typical Ogier pouncing fashion. 'Lecia promptly channels him off of herself.

'Lecia: Yes well I remind you I'm a member of the Black Ajah, so no pouncing, or I kill you.

Darkwood: awww, how sweet. say something like Pants, or erm, some other kind of cute 'Lecia type saying.

'Lecia: Yes well none of that now, I'm here to tell you the most important bit of information you'll receive from this side quest into insanity. and that, DW, is this.

FINISH THE STORY ALREADY!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ROBERT FREAKIN' JORDAN!!!? A STORY EVERY TWO MONTHS!!!? WRITE!!!

Darkwood: Yes, yes that's good advice! thanks 'Lecia.

Darkwood pounces again.

'Lecia: Aw PANTS!!!

The Dark One promptly plucks Darkwood off of the poor Aes Sedai.

DARK ONE: TRULY SORRY TO DO THAT TO YOU, BUT THE LITTLE OGIER BASTARD WOULD LISTEN TO NO ONE ELSE. NOW, PERHAPS WE CAN DISPENSE WITH THIS STORY. GO DARKWOOD, BACK INTO THE WORLD. FINISH YOUR STORY. WRITE PARTS 6 AND 7 AND GET OUT, GET OUT!!!!

Darkwood: But what about my half brother? I need to find him before I can go into the home stretch.

DARK ONE: PERHAPS YOU TRULY HAVE LEARNED NOTHING DARKWOOD, WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SHOW YOU, AND TEACH YOU, IS THAT VERY THING, BUT YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED, PERHAPS THIS WILL HELP. GOODBYE DARKWOOD. REMEMBER WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED

psst, and remember, pretend you don't know me alright man?

Darkwood: Sure, but what is going on?

Over near the door, where 'Lecia is trying to make her escape without getting pounced again, a shadowy figure materializes. the figure walks slowly into the light, revealing a man DW's very familiar with.

Justen: Hey Darks, it's me, Diablos. It seems you've learned quite a bit in your little misadventures. but it's time to pack up and head out. There is a Seanchan force entering the city as we speak. Soon they'll takeover this land of ours, but that's my fight, yours is for a bride. And you know what pal, I've seen the end to this story, and may I say you're a very lucky fellow. As a character Handle destined to wander the world alone I wish you well in your efforts. But now you must go.

Darkwood: But, erm, what about my half brother?

Justen: Don't you see man? In an odd twist that will actually bring closure to this whole brother thing it is revealed that I am your brother. Kamal, was your brother, Gabriel Jellance, is your brother, Ahriman, well he's just a dude we don't like, but you get the point.

Darkwood: Actually no, not even close, I assume you're trying to tell me that we're brothers, and you're the one I've been searching for, but that's weird, in fact this whole story is weird as hell? and isn't a bit serious? where's the jokes? the humour? the dancing women? well alright that would just be cool for me but still?

Justen: Don't worry, we'll end this tale with some right good Emperor bashing that should make up for the stupidity of the rest of this story. But you must go my friend, walk in the Light Darkwood.

With that Justen fades away and Darkwood is left alone with his thoughts.

He said the Seanchan would be here any minute, that means I have little time. I must go!

Darkwood runs from the warehouse, bemoaning the fact that this story has gone so terribly badly. He soon found himself at the gate to the city, where a guard was just beginning a conversation with the leader of a large group of armed people wearing insect like helmets.

Guard: Halt. erm, can I help you.

Leader of the Army: Heya mate, names Inali, and I lead this group of folk. We'd really like to stop in and take a rest inside of your fine city.

Guard: Hey that's all well and good, but I have some questions you have to answer. No one gets through this gate without answering these very important questions.

Inali: okay shoot.

Guard: #1, are you now, or have you ever been a darkfriend?

Inali: Um, nope, next question.

Guard: Okay does any member of your large party have small pox?

Inali: Nope.

Guard: Are you sure? You know we really can't deal with an outbreak of small pox. maybe you should ask your group, just to make sure.

Inali sighs and nods, before turning to the rest of the group.

Inali Hey! does anyone here have small pox?

A younger member near the front raises his hand.

Young Soldier: Yes ma'am, I have small pox! and man it sucks.

Inali drops her head into her hands while mumbling 'why me' over and over again, simultaneously the other seanchan inch away from their small pox having companion.

Inali Okay then, Seanchan, take the sick one to the rear of the army and have him killed.

She turns back to the guard.

Inali: Happy now?

Guard: Well yes, that will do. Question #3 of 786 is....

Inali: Look sir, it's cold out, and we have pregnant women traveling with us. please let us inside.

The guard turns a pale color.

Guard: Pregnant women? Well I don't know that we need any ladies throwing their litter's in our fine city. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to....

Inali: Did I say pregnant, because I meant of course nakid, we have nakid women with us, and they're cold. Let us in?

Guard: I'm sorry perhaps it was the slurring of your speech combined with the commanding tone that only comes from being a highly ranked member of an invading army but did you say nakid?

Inali: Yes, nakid women, nekkid as the day they were born, and supermodels, did I mention supermodels? now let us in.

Guard: Well in that case let me skip ahead to the very last question, this is extremely important, and you can't lie on this question. You guys aren't a religious cult are you? Last time I let one in the town was in an uproar for three days, and the smell of burnt fanatic was in the air for days after. So, erm, are you guys a cult?

Inali: Well not unless you'd count being slavishly devoted to our Emperor, may he live forever as being a cult.

Guard: hmmmmmm, maybe I should ask Bob, the other guard.

Inali: nekkid women.

Guard: Well if you say you're not a cult you're not a cult.

The Guard proceeds to open up the gate. Darkwood, who'd been creeping quietly towards the gate all this time uses the sound of metal on metal to jump the gate using his super ogier leaping and get out of the city. Still curiosity made him stay, as now the one called Inali was inside with the guard.

Guard: So this Emperor guy, he must be really great to get such devotion from you all?

Inali: Actually he smells funny and to use a term you would understand, couldn't out think Paityr.

The Guard, confused, asks his next question tentatively, fearing the answer.

Guard: Well then why do you all follow him?

Inali: Well because he sits on this magic chair, we cannot dis-obey the chair, the chair is all.

Guard: AH ^$%# YOU GUYS ARE A CULT!!!! DAMNIT!!!!

Inali: Say what you will, when you see the glory of the chair you'll understand. Now, do you have any women over 14 in the guard tower?

Guard: No, why? some weird cult thing?

Inali: Yes something like that. Now you mentioned another guard, could you get him down here please?

The Guard sighs, but turns toward the guardhouse and yells anyway.

Guard: Hey Bob, get down here will ya?

the disembodied voice of Bob: Why?

Inali then proceeds to lean toward the first guard and say something in a low voice. The Guard nods and turns back toward the gatehouse.

Guard: Well Bob this young lady down here would like you to and I quote 'Come down now and swear the oaths or die like the filthy infidel you are'

Bob: Awww sh*t Ed! Did you let a cult in again!??!!!

At this point Darkwood decides it would probably be a good idea to get out, so he began to sneak through the forest, he didn't get too far though when he began to hear voices from off to his left. being the curious Ogier he is he went to investigate this, and came upon four people walking alone.

First man: They sure gave up easily didn't they Emp?

Asks the man as he stares toward the town ahead.

Emp: Yes, they did Z, tee hee, I'm the king of the world! all bow down to my magic chair!!!

Z: Yes well, okay sir. But still, I wonder why they gave up so easily?

the third man laughs, a low chuckle really.

Z: You know why Furyk?

Furyk: I may have started a little rumor. heh heh heh.

Z: What kind of rumor?

The man called Furyk simply smiled again and continued on his way. He did respond though, if vaguely.

Furyk: You'll see Z, You'll see. heh.

The man called Emp then turned to the only woman in the group and said simply.

Emp: I need my lucky adult diaper Lyra.

Lyra: You must be joking! Why do you always have to do that when we conquer a city? It's weird, and it scares the troops, not to mention the bad press we get from those we conquer.

Emp: Because they're lucky!!! and besides....

Emp added with a grin.

Emp: I think I made a poopy.

Lyra: Furyk, it's your turn this time.

That wiped the smile off Furyk's face, but Darkwood didn't have the time or really the desire to listen to anymore, so he snuck off on his way to the promised stedding on the other side of Amadacia. He wondered what type of rumor they'd started back in Amador, he'd heard nothing.

Back in Amador.....

Villager: Run for your lives!! the Sawchin are coming, and I've heard that they all look exactly like Paityr!!!!!!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT IN AMADOR?
DO ALL THE SEANCHAN LOOK LIKE PAITYR?
WELL THOSE QUESTIONS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED NEXT TIME.
NOW, WE MOVE ONTO THE FINISH, JOIN OUR HERO AS HE FINALLY VISITS THE STEDDING.

Darkwood,
Errant Youth,
Searching for a bride.

Part 6