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| The
Adventures of
Darkwood the Ogier
~Part 4
Dramatis
Personae
Luke Skywalker
~ Darkwood Emperor ~
Justen Diablos Bride
Wars
Episode
IV
A
NEW HOPE
December
3, 2000
---------------------- A few days ago,
in a region a few
days walk from
Darkwood's home, so
yeah, kinda far
away...
A field of trees
and flowers serves
as the backdrop for
the main title. War
drums echo through
the heavens as a
rollup slowly crawls
into infinity.
It is a period of much craziness
in this part of the
world. The Silly
Rebellion has won
their first victory
against Jimmy's evil
Army.
During
the craziness, Silly
Rebel spies managed
to steal a prototype
pair of the Evil
Army's ultimate
weapon, the Deadly
Pantaloon, a loose
fitting garment worn
on a warriors legs
that can induce
opposition to a fit
of laughter with
just one glance.
Pursued
by the Evil Army's
sinister agents,
Princess Bronwyn
races home on her
wagon, custodian of
the stolen
pantaloons that can
save her people and
restore a decent
kind of silly to her
part of Randland... A tiny wagon, a
Silly Rebel Blockade
Runner with some
automatic koolaid
guns mounted on back
and firing. It is
pursed by a giant
Evil Army big arse
wagon. Hundreds of
super soakers fire
back and forth
between the two
wagons.
An bump in the
road rocks the wagon
as two wolfies,
Darren Brightail and
Nighteyes bounce
back and forth. Both
wolfies appear
somewhat tired. A
pie in the back of
the driver's head
seems to slow the
wagon.
Nighteyes:
Did you hear that?
They've obscured the
wagon driver's
vision. We'll be
destroyed for sure.
This is madness!
Rebel water
cannoneers alongside
the wagon on horses
rush to the aid of
the now completely
without defense main
wagon.
Nighteyes:
We're doomed!
Darren makes a
series of mumbles
and grunts that can
only be drunken
mumblings about the
princess.
Nighteyes:
There'll be no
escape for the
Princess this time.
Darren continues
to mumble
incoherently.
Tension mounts as
the enemy big arse
wagon pulls up
alongside that of
the Silly rebels.
Nighteyes:
What's that?
The big arse
wagon has easily
overtaken the Silly
Rebel Blockade
Runner. both wagons
pull over to the
side of the road.
The nervous Silly
Rebel's unleash an
assault of fruits.
Suddenly a wave of
mimes erupt from the
big arse wagon and
converge on the
under manned silly
wagon. In a few
minutes the entire
area around the
wagons is streamed
with your mama jokes
flying back and
forth. several mimes
are taken out by
being forced to
laugh, then hanging
themselves in mime
shame. Silly Rebel's
are similarly taken
out as several are
pantomimed into a
box like prison.
Nighteyes:
I should have known
better than to trust
the logic of a
drunken wolfie...
Darren counters
with drunken
meanderings that we
can only assume is
an angry rebuttal,
seeming out of place
amongst all the
silly going on about
them.
On
the Road: Darkwood, our
much traveled hero
arrives on the scene
around this time,
passing by he
catches the sound of
food fighting. He
watches from afar,
trying not to get
caught up in this
horrible little
mess.
Back at the
wagons:
Exiting the big
arse wagon at this
point is the leader
of Jimmy's evil
army. This is Jim
Blonde, right hand
of Emperor Diablos.
It is not only the
obvious silliness of
the fellow, but his
evil army shirt that
draws the attention
and fear of
everyone.
Inside
the Wagon: A woman's hand
puts a piece of
paper into an
opening in Darren's
pocket as he's
drunk, then places a
bundle of something
into his half full
30 can case of
Budweiser, he makes
odd gurgling sounds.
Nighteyes is
losing it about this
point, looking all
over for Darren,
who's sitting but
two feet from him.
half crazed laughter
can be heard from
the defeated silly
warriors of the
rebellion.
Nighteyes:
Darren! Darren
Brightail, where are
you?
A familiar
vomiting sound draws
Nighteyes' attention
to immediately next
to him where Darren
appears to be
oblivious to a
beautiful young girl
with her hand in his
pocket.
Nighteyes:
At last! Where have
you been?
Before Darren can
form a reply, if in
fact he even heard
Nighteyes with the
strange way he
blinks at him, Mimes
can be seen coming
towards them.
Nighteyes:
Oh fook the Maker!
they're coming this
way! What are we
going to do?
Darren stumbles
past Nighteyes and
falls out of the
wagon, then wanders
off towards the tree
line. Nighteyes
chases after him.
Nighteyes:
Wait a minute, where
are you going?
Darren looks back
and takes a swig of
a canteen of
something, then
grunts and continues
on his way.
Back
inside the wagon: The evil Jimmy
stands amid the
collapsed and
covered in fruits
forces that were his
foes. He grabs a
wounded Silly Rebel
Officer by the neck
as an Evil Army
Officer rushes up to
the Dark Prince of
Silly.
Ashera
Roy(spell the last
name yourself):
The Deadly
Pantaloons are not
anywhere in storage.
Jimmy turns from
Ash, and makes silly
faces at the rebel,
who struggles not to
laugh in vain.
Jimmy:
Where are those
pantaloons you
captured?
Jimmy makes even
more silly faces,
resorting to giving
him the crazy asylum
look.
Jimmy:
What have you done
with those pants?
Silly Rebel:
We have no pants. I
mean no pants of the
type you speak. Aaah....this
is a traveling band
of seekers. We're on
a search for the
song.
Jimmy: If
this is a seeker's
wagon...were is the
Mahdi?
The Rebel refuses
to speak but
eventually cries out
in pained laughter
as the Dark Prince
of Silly begins to
pantomime, creating
a gruesome coughing
and choking, until
the soldier goes
limp. He turns to
his army of mimes.
Jimmy:
Commander, tear this
ship apart until
you've found those
pantaloons, and
bring me the
princess, I know
she's here, and I
want her alive!
The mimes begin
to search for a way
out of an imaginary
box, finding the
imaginary door they
scurry off towards
the front of the
wagon.
Elsewhere
in the wagon. (about
ten feet away we'll
say): The lovely young
girl huddles in a
small alcove as the
mimes search through
the ship using
imaginary magnifying
glasses. She is
Princess Bronwyn
Jennen, a young
leader of the Silly
army. The fear in
her eyes slowly
gives way to anger
as the mimes
overexagerate each
step as though
sneaking up on her.
One Mime spots her.
The Mime:
*pantomimes to the
others to keep their
levels of mimery
low, it would not do
to cause serious
trauma upon the
girl, as mimes are
wont to do.*
Bronwyn steps
from her hiding
place and pastes a
mime with a
blueberry pie to the
face. She starts to
run but is stopped
by another mime
yanking her back
with an imaginary
rope. The mimes
dance about her
body, pantomiming
unconsciousness.
A Mime:
*pantomimes that
Bronwyn is okay, and
points one of his
fellows in the
direction of Jimmy.*
Near
the edge of the
silly battle: Darren continues
stumbling toward the
tree line.
Nighteyes:
Hey, you're not
permitted to leave
the wagon. It's
restricted. You'll
be force fed coffee
and sobered up for
sure..
Darren mumbles
something to him.
Nighteyes:
Don't call me a
mindless
philosopher, you
alcoholic wolfie!
Now come back before
somebody sees you.
Darren mumbles
something at his
reluctant friend
regarding the
mission he is about
to perform.
Nighteyes:
Secret mission? Did
you say pantaloons?
What are you talking
about? I'm not
coming with you!
Darren isn't
happy with Nighteyes'
stubbornness, and he
blinks repeatedly to
clear his eyesight,
then grumbles at his
fellow wolfie.
A super soaker
shoots by Nighteyes
head, this time very
close. strawberry
ice cream lick at
Threepio and, after
a flurry of muttered
words from Darren,
the timid wolfie
makes a run for the
tree line.
Nighteyes:
I'm going to regret
this.
INTERIOR:
Rebel Wagon Princess Bronwyn
is brought out of
the wagon by a squad
of mimes. Her hands
are bound with
imaginary cord and
she is brutally
shoved when she is
unable to keep up
with the briskly
marching mimes. They
stop as Jimmy
emerges from the
shadows of the
wagon. The sinister
Dark Lord of the
pith stares hard at
the young lady, but
she doesn't move.
Bronwyn:
Jim Blonde, If only
I'd guessed it was
you earlier, I'd
have won five bucks
in the pool.. Only
you could be so
bold. The Black
Tower will not sit
for this, when they
hear you've
kidnapped one of
their favorite
chickies...
Jimmy: Oh
stop right there,
spare me please.
We've tracked the
pantaloons here,
tell me where they
are, and I won't
call you names.
Bronwyn: I
don't know what
you're talking
about. I'm a member
of a High school
debate team heading
out for ice
cream....
Jimmy:
You're a part of the
Silly Rebel
Alliance...and a
traitor. Take her
away!
Bronwyn is
marched away towards
the big arse wagon.
Tellin Quinn turns
to Jimmy.
Tellin:
Holding her is
dangerous, don't you
realize that
whenever you capture
a princess the good
guys always come and
rescue her??! Why
don't we take one of
the other people
here, no one ever
comes after Ed, the
bit character.
Jimmy: I
have traced the
pantaloons to her.
Now she is my only
link to find those
who've stolen them!
Tellin:
Whatever dude, it's
your funeral, this
is my last scene
anyway so I could
care less man.
Godfrey Von
Kreiger approaches
Jimmy and Tellin. he
stops and snaps to
attention.
Godfrey:
Lord Jimmy, the
pantaloons are not
on the wagon, but I
did find this wicked
pez dispenser, can I
keep it?
Jimmy nods to
Godfrey who goes
away happily and
then he turns to
Tellin.
Jimmy: The
pantaloons have got
to be around here
somewhere, look
around this forest
for escapee's
Tellin:
Whatever.
In
the Forest: Nighteyes:
How did I get into
this mess? I really
don't know how. We
seem to be made to
suffer. It's our lot
in life.
Darren throws up
on Nighteyes' shoes.
Nighteyes:
Hmmmmmm
Suddenly Darren
wobbles, and
stumbles off towards
the right.
Nighteyes:
Where are you going?
Are you gonna use
one of these trees
as a bathroom?
Besides, I'm not
going that way, I
don't like fir
trees.
Darren counters
by looking at
Nighteyes as if he's
never seen him
before.
Nighteyes:
What makes you think
there's a pub in
that direction?
Darren blinks his
red eyes a couple
times, then coughs.
Nighteyes:
What?
Darren holds up
his case.
Nighteyes:
What mission? What
are you talking
about? I've had just
about enough of you!
Go that way! You'll
pass out drunk
within an hour you
drunken wolfboy!
Nighteyes:
And don't let me
catch you following
me begging for more
beer, because you
won't get it.
Nighteyes wanders
a ways off to the
left, and eventually
Darkwood hops out in
front of him.
Darkwood:
Yo Yo man. What was
the deal with the
wagon attack? it
looked intense.
Nighteyes tells
him the whole story,
then goes into
detail about his
entire life, at
around the time
Night started
muttering about his
junior prom Darkwood
cut him off.
Darkwood:
Yeah yeah got ya
man. Anyway you said
your drunken friend
wandered off back
that way? We better
go after him. It's
dangerous over
there, I hear they
hold AA meetings in
that clearing.
Nighteyes:
Good lawd! let's go
stop him.
When they catch
up with him Darren
is passed out in the
shade of a tree,
lying next to his
hand is a note.
Darkwood reads the
outside of the
folded piece of
paper.
Help me Odilon
Sa'Tenzin, you're my
only hope.
Darkwood:
What's this?
He kicks Darren
awake and asks him
again. Darren looks
at it, shrugs and
mumbles something
Nighteyes:
What is what?!? He
asked you a
question...(pointing
to the paper) What
is that?
Darren shrugs
again.
Darkwood:
I wonder if there's
anything else in the
note.
Darkwood starts
to open up the note
but Darren snatches
it away from him
mumbling something.
Nighteyes:
He says it's a
message for Odilon
Sa'Tenzin, and you
can't touch it.
Darkwood:
I wonder if he means
Odi? I've heard of
him. Let's go find
him.
Odilon: No
need, for story
expediency I'm
already here. what's
up?
Darkwood:
Oh, this drunken
wolfie! He says he
has a message for
you, and won't let
anyone else see it.
I've never seen a
drunken wolfie so
attentive to his
duty before.
Odilon:
Hey man let's head
back to my place and
I'll pass out the
Orange Juice, then
we can find out what
the deal is with
this note.
Back
at Odi's pad: Darkwood:
So what's up with
this Jimmy character
Odi? I mean he seems
to pop up all over
the place.
Odilon:
Jimmy is a very
silly person, but
also the commander
of the Evil army. He
operates out of
Amador, working for
the Emperor Justen
Diablos, who was a
pupil of mine,
before he turned to
evil.
Darkwood:
Oh, ok thanks.
Odilon:
Now, let's see what
this note is all
about.
Darkwood:
I saw part of the
message he was...
Odilon:
yeah yeah just shut
up and let me read
it.
Bronwyn: Hey
Odi, You're an ally
of my Sister Lilli
Mandragoran right?
Well I'm sure she'd
like you to us in
this struggle
against Jimmy's evil
Empire. I regret
that I couldn't get
to you personally,
but my wagon has
fallen under attack
and I'm afraid I'm
SoL. I have placed a
prototype of the
Empire's newest
super weapon, the
deadly pantaloon, in
that drunken
wolfie's case of
beer. Also, in the
pocket of that
pantaloon is the
directions to the
sewing factory where
the pantaloon's are
being produced. You
gotta stop this.
Help me, Odilon
Sa'Tenzin, you're my
only hope.
Odi: Want
to bust up a
pantaloon factory?
Darkwood:
Sure, why not.
INTERIOR:
PANTALOON FACTORY --
CONFERENCE ROOM. Eight of the
Council of the
Anointed sit around
a black conference
table. Mimes
stationed about the
room keep an eye
out. The meetings
kinda boring until
Jimmy and Dave walk
in.
Dave: Good
news, Lord Diablos
has decided the CoL
are now in control
of Dragonmount. Yay!
*poses*
Paityr:
And what of our lost
pantaloons, if
they're not found we
could be in deep
poopy. Oh and have
ya'll seen this pez
dispenser Godfrey
gave me?
Jimmy:
Don't worry, I'll
get them pantaloons
back.
Bertha:
Any attack made on
this factory would
be a useless
gesture, no matter
what they know. My
pantaloon sewing is
now the ultimate
power at DM. I
suggest we use it!
Jimmy:
Don't be too proud
of these pants
you've made. The
ability to make
someone point and
laugh is
insignificant next
to cracking them up
with a well placed
pun.
Bertha:
Don't try to
frighten us with
your silly ways,
Lord Jimmy. Your sad
devotion to that
ancient religion of
silly has not helped
you fill out a
crossword puzzle
that tells you where
the pantaloons are,
or given you the
amiability to con
someone into telling
you where the rebel
fort is...
Jimmy grabs one
of Bertha's cookies
and eats it without
thanking her.
Jimmy: I
find your lack of
faith disturbing.
Dave:
Enough of this!
Let's get on with
the story already!
Jimmy: As
you wish.
Amadacia:
outside a pub. Godfrey:
How long have you
known these wolfies?
Darkwood:
well, a hell of a
long time.
Godfrey:
Let me see some I.D.
Odi: You
don't need to see
his identification.
Odi then winks at
Godfrey
Godfrey:
What?
Odi: These
are not the wolfies
your looking for.
Odi winks at
Godfrey again.
Godfrey:
Who said I'm looking
for wolfies?
Odi: He
can go about his
business.
One last time Odi
winks at him
Godfrey:
Dude there's
something wrong with
you, go on in man.
Jeez, just stop
winking at me. First
that bastard Paityr
steals my pez and
now this. Light!
They go into a
Bar where the music
is bumping.
Contents under pressure, Ain't
no describing, the
way that Tazz be
feeling when he's
vibing The
music is obscured as
the Crowd applauds
an Amadacian goal
scored against the
hated rival
Illianer's.
Pounding
your surroundings
stomping at you from
the Liks Odi: Okay
follow my lead, we
need a wagon driver.
Lefty: Hey
we don't serve their
kind here!
Darkwood:
What?
Lefty:
Your wolfies. We
don't make em drink
here, that would be
cruel, Plaid Ajah
has a decent bar
around back, they
can head over there.
The wolfies
wander back to the
secret entrance to
the Plaid Ajah bar.
Before Darkwood
can say anything Odi
walks over to a
booth.
Rune: Rune
Despana. I'm
coachman of the
millennium wagon.
Dav here tells me
you're looking for
passage to the
somewhere outside
Amadacia.
Odi: Yes,
indeed. If it's a
fast coach.
Rune: Dude
this is me we're
talking about here.
Runey don't roll in
nothing less than
the best. Dav, go
gather Odi's wolfies
and let's go.
Darkwood:
Odi, can we trust
them? I mean they
look Canadian to me.
Odi shrugs
Darkwood shrugs
back and listens to
the music as he
heads for the door.
So When we be on the mic we go
what the f*ck Darkwood walks
out the door bobbing
his head and humming
along.
Outside
near a coach: Darkwood:What
a piece of junk.
Rune channels a
gag into Darkwood's
mouth.
Rune: Keep
it zipped kid, it'll
get you where you're
going sure enough.
She'll make point
five past snails
pace.
members of the
evil army rush out
to chase after the
wagon but it pulls
away and eventually
they're hard pressed
to keep up. Runey
gives em the finger
as they fall behind.
Rune:MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Pantaloon
Factory: Jimmy:
C'mon Bronwyn, tell
me where the
pantaloons are.
Please!!! I'll be
your best friend! Aw
you're no fun. I'm
sending you to the
attic without supper
until you tell us
where they are!
The
Millennium Coach: Odi
and Darkwood sit
next to each other,
Odi clutches his
stomach.
Darkwood:
Are you all right?
What's wrong?
Odi: I
felt a great
disturbance in my
intestinal track, I
can't believe I had
the second helping
of baked beans.
Rune:
*waving his hand in
front of his face.*
Damn something done
crawled up in you
and died huh? Anyway
we're here. The
pantaloon factory.
I'll wait here in
the coach, do
whatever it is you
came to do and let's
go.
Odi:
That's fine, I don't
think you boys can
help. I must go
alone.
Rune: um,
yeah, I said I
wasn't coming in
didn't I?
Darkwood:
I want to go with
you.
Odi: Be
patient, Darks. Stay
and watch over the
wolfies.
Darkwood:
But he can...
Odi: Hey
man I don't want you
with me alright. I
think it'd be kind
of hard to sneak
around the factory
with a ten foot tall
ogier, what do you
think? I'm going
alone. Your destiny
lies along a
different path than
mine. The Silly will
be with
you...always!
Davrem:
Man that Odi's a
strange boy.
Rune: Boy
you said it, Dav.
Where did you dig up
that old fossil, he
ain't seen a silly
post in months by
the looks of him?
Darkwood:
I don't know, he
just showed up. I
think he's a bit of
drinker if you
understand what I'm
saying. *pantomimes
tipping back a
bottle* Still, he's
alright.
Rune:
Yeah, hey you want
to play stones or
something?
Darkwood:
Sure, I'll be
white...
Suddenly Darren
drunkenly sniffs.
Darkwood:
What is it boy? Did
Timmy fall down an
open mine shaft?
Nighteyes:
Bout time I get to
speak again, who'd
of thunk after
reading the first
part where I was
such a major
character that I'd
be relegated to
chump status. Anyway
I'm afraid I'm not
quite sure what he's
saying Darks. I
think he's muttering
"I found
her", and keeps
repeating,
"She's
here."
Darkwood:
Well, call me an
idiot but who...who
has he found?
Darren blinks,
and looks off to his
right, then whispers
something to
himself.
Nighteyes:
Idiot, he's found
Princess Bronwyn.
Darkwood:
The princess? She's
here? What are the
odds?
Nighteyes:
well considering
this is just a story
the odds, based on
the author
proclivity towards
happy endings, are
very good. 1/1
actually.
Rune:
Princess? What's
going on?
Nighteyes:
Back room of the
factory, third door
on the right. I'm
afraid she's
scheduled for
another torture
session soon. Forced
to listen to Kenny G
for the next 20
hours.
Darkwood:
Oh, no! We've got to
do something, I
guess, though I kind
of like Kenny G.
Rune: What
exactly are you
talking about?
Darkwood:
Erm, not sure
actually, but the
Wolfies were with
her, she's the one
who left the
message. We've got
to help her.
Rune: Now,
look, don't get any
funny ideas. That
crazy bastich Odi
wants us to wait
right here.
Darkwood:
But he's borderline
insane. Look man
just let's go.
Rune: Yo
Man I ain't going
nowhere.
Darkwood:
But it's Kenny G!!
we can't let that
happen to her.
Rune:
That's a good point.
Hmmmmm? no
Darkwood:
She's a hottie.
Dav's ears perk
up
Rune:
Yeah, a hottie?
Darkwood:
Yes. A Black Tower
cutie!
Rune: Hmm,
I need to get me one
of those
Darkwood:
Indeed so. And
remember this is one
of those happy
ending stories. So
I'm thinking it a
strong possibility
that you two will
hook up if you know
what I'm saying.
Rune:
Okay, I'm in.
Darkwood:
Yay, now let's
formulate a plan.
Four
hours later...... Darkwood:
Anything?
Rune: No,
you?
Darkwood:
Nope. Dav?
Rune:
Dude, Dav fell
asleep like three
hours ago.
Nighteyes:
I have a plan
Both Darkwood and
Rune eye Nighteyes
for a second, then
go back to talking.
Rune: I
say we just walk on
in and bring Bronwyn
out, we're a gang of
young thugs. I think
we can pull it off.
Darkwood:
Sounds good to me.
Darkwood, Rune,
Dav, and Darren head
towards the
pantaloon factory.
Nighteyes:
But I have an idea!
oh wait for me.
Interior,
Pantaloon Factory: Rune:
Okay, how do we get
past everyone around
to the back?
Darkwood:
*shrugs* I dunno
Rune: Man
you don't know much
do ya? I thought
this was your story?
Davrem pushes the
two aside and
strides out onto the
floor of the
factory.
Dav:
Attention. May I
have your attention
please? My name is
Davrem Hightower,
I'm a pantaloon
inspector sent by
the Emperor to make
sure everything is
on schedule.
An unknown
pantaloon maker:
How do we know
you're who you say
you are?
Dav: pfft.
Ya know those tags
on the inside of
your underwear that
say inspected by
inspector #12. Well
I'm inspector #12.
another
worker: He says
he's inspector #12
another:
He must be, no one
would lie about
being inspector #12
if they weren't.
*nods*
yet another
worker: indeed,
he must be as he
says.
Mime guarding
the floor of the
factory:
Pantomimes to Dav
that he may go about
his business.
the group starts
walking away and
head for the
detention levels.
Darkwood:
Man what the hell
was that? That
wasn't in the plan.
At least I don't
think so. was it?
*eyes Rune
questioningly whilst
checking back over
his notes on the
plan*
Rune shakes his
head and glares a
Dav.
Davrem: Oh
would you two shut
up about your damn
plan. I mean sure
this story is all
well and good for
you both. Darkwood
get's to be the main
character and come
one step closer to
his bride. Rune, you
get to be Han Solo,
and save the
Princess and live
happily ever after.
Me? Well I have to
be Freaking
Chewbacca. Do either
of you know how it
feels to be Chewie?
*waits as the two
shake their heads*
Well it sucks
alright. So if I
want to have my ONE
moment of glory in
this story, I expect
you two to stop
hamming it up and
step aside. Let me
take center stage
for this a brief
second. Rotten
friends you are.
*and then Dav stomps
off ahead of the
rest of the group.*
Rune and Darkwood
look at each other
and make motions
behind Dav's back to
indicate he's
clearly insane. Then
quickly jog to catch
up to Dav while
Darkwood grumbles
under his breath.
Darkwood:
How come he get's to
be inspector #12?
Interior
of the Pantaloon
factory, Back room: Rune walks over
to the third door on
the right and
adjusts his black
coat. He makes sure
the pins are
perfectly placed,
and stops to buff
his dragon pin to
make sure it shines
properly. He then
takes out a breath
mint and pops it
into his mouth. He
then looks back at
Darkwood and Dav,
who give him the old
thumbs up sign. He
then opens it up to
see Bronwyn.
Rune: Hey,
I'm like here to
rescue you, or erm,
something.
Bronwyn:
Okay, let's go.
The group runs
off towards the
entrance, Bronwyn
and Dav taking the
lead, with Nighteyes
right behind them,
Rune falls back to
run beside Darkwood.
Rune: What
the Hell is wrong
with you?
Darkwood:
Hmmmm?
Rune:C'mon
man is that the Best
you can do? what
kind of romance is
that? I signed on to
this because I
thought me and
Bronwyn were gonna
have some romantic
interplay for god's
sake. I mean that
last scene was
horribly written,
without any proper
emotional buildup.
Darkwood:
It wasn't that bad.
Rune: Two
Lines!! TWO!!! what
kind of scene is
that. Where's my
witty banter to make
the princess swoon?
Where's the tense
interplay? I'll tell
you where it is. It
ain't there, because
you, yes you, are
half assing it as we
near the end of the
story. You know, i
hope there's a
little more romance
at the end of these
seven parts. I can
just see you ending
this thing by
finding your bride
and doing nothing.
Man, No drama
whatsoever.
Darkwood:
Okay okay, sheesh
I'll do better in
the next scene you
have with her
alright? damn you're
pushy.
INTERIOR:
PANTALOON FACTORY --
CONFERENCE ROOM. Jimmy paces the
room as Dave sits at
the far end of the
conference table.
Jimmy: He
is here...
Dave: hur
hur hur. um Line
Offstage:Odilon
Sa'Tenzin! What
makes you think so?
Dave:Odilon
Satinzen! You think?
Jimmy: He
has a smell? like
week old fish
Dave: I
wondered what the
heck that smell was.
Are you sure it's
him? Surely he must
be retired by now.
Jimmy:
Don't underestimate
the power of the
Silly.
Dave: The
Silly are extinct,
their fire has gone
out of DM. You, my
friend, are all
that's left of their
religion.
Jimmy:
Odilon is here. The
Silly is with him.
Dave: If
you're right, he's
probably after the
princess. Maybe we
should go make sure
he doesn't escape or
something.
Jimmy:
Escape is not his
plan. I must face
him alone.
Dave: um,
alright. I was going
into town anyway.
har har har.
INTERIOR:
PANTALOON FACTORY --
MAIN SEWING MACHINE
POWER CORE. Odilon creeps
toward the power
core, but there are
two mimes guarding
the machine. The Two
mimes appear to be
involved in a
staring contest. He
then breaks out his
secret weapon.
Odi:
Ladies and Gentleman
boys and girls Mimes
of all ages. The
Circus presents....
Bobby
Darin!!
Bobby Darin comes
out mic in Hand.
Bobby Darin:
This is from my
first album, which
was titled That's
all. I call it....
Mack the Knife
Oh the
shark.... babe, First Mime:
Eep!!! BOBBY
DARIN!!!!!!
Second Mime:
SING DREAMLOVER!!!!
The two mimes
rush towards Bobby
Darin begging him to
sign an autograph.
But Bobby just keep
singing, because
he's professional
like that, even in
the face of
star-crazed mimes.
First Mime:
You do realize we've
spoken? We can never
be mimes again.
Second Mime:
Oh well, I never
really liked being a
mime anyway. You
know how hard it was
to keep quiet all
those years. I got
this really juicy
secret about Jimmy.
First Mime:
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA,
excellent.
While the two
mimes are distracted
by Bobby Darin,
1950's teen idol.
Odilon takes out
important pieces of
the sewing machine
power core.
As he walks out
the door he meets up
with Jimmy.
Jimmy:
I've been waiting
for you, Odilon. The
circle is now
complete, when
Justen left you, he
was but the learner,
now his Pupil is
your master. That's
me by the way.
Odi: Only
a master of evil,
Jimmy.
Jimmy:
well, Duh.
The two Galactic
warriors stand
perfectly still for
a few moments,
sizing each other up
and waiting for the
right moment. Odilon
tries out a your
mama joke, but is
staggered by Jimmy's
wicked reposte.
Jimmy:
Your silly powers
are weak, old man.
Odi: You
can't win, Jimmy. If
you defeat me here,
my silly shall
become more powerful
than you can
possibly imagine.
Jimmy: Oh
now that's just the
kind of
justification you
good guys come up
with for your
losses.
OUTSIDE,
Near the Wagons: Nighteyes,
Darkwood, Dav, Rune,
and Bronwyn run for
the wagon.
Bronwyn:
Hey aren't you boys
gonna wait for
Odilon?
Night, DW, Dav,
Rune in unison:
Hell No!!!
Darkwood:
Screw the Old man, I
still got a bride to
find.
Dav: Ditto
that, sans the bride
part, though I
suppose I could do
with finding one of
those too, but
tonight's lasagne
night at the Black
Tower.
Bronwyn:
Men!
Inside
the Pantaloon
Factory: Odilon watches
out the window as
the others desert
him.
Jimmy: You
see Odi? Those
youngsters have no
respect for a true
silly icon like
yourself. Why don't
you return with me
to the Fortress of
the Light? Justen's
been asking about
you. Claims he
misses his bestest
buddy.
Odilon:
Man that Justen's a
trip, I sure do miss
that boy, he was my
best pupil. Okay,
let's go back to the
Fortress.
Somewhere
Inside the Factory: Darren Brightail
stumbles along the
corridor until
finally he trips
over a large barrel,
a barrel that looks
suspiciously like a
keg. Darren eyes the
barrel for a minute
or two, trying to
decipher the words
on the outside of
it.
Caution:
Highly flammable
Darren shrugs and
tips the barrel,
drinking down the
contents.
At
the Wagon: Rune and Bronwyn
are preparing the
wagon for travel
while DW, Dav, and
Nighteyes stand off
to the side chatting
it up like the lazy
fellows they are.
Nighteyes keeps
looking back towards
the factory.
Darkwood:
Man what a great
couple they are.
*nods at Bronwyn and
Runey*
Dav: Yup,
beautiful man.
*sniffles*
Nighteyes:
Hey, have either of
you seen Darren in
the past half hour?
Darkwood:
I wonder if I'll
ever find my bride,
I mean women don't
seem to like me.
Dav: Are
you kidding?
Darkwood:
Why?
Dav:
You're just so money
and you don't even
know it.
Nighteyes:
Seriously guys, I'm
kinda worried about
Darren.
Dav: The
perfect Ogier lady
is out there waiting
for you man, she's
like a little bunny,
and you're just like
a bear man. You've
got these huge
claws, and teeth
man, big fangs. And
the bunny's just
shivering man. But
you're not hurting
the bunny, you're
just poking at it,
gently batting the
bunny around.
Nighteyes:
He was still with us
when we entered the
factory right?
Dav: And
you're looking at
your claws and
looking at your
fangs and saying to
yourself 'I don't
know how to kill the
bunny.' With this
*holds up his hands
in a claw gesture*
You don't know how
to kill the bunny!!
Darkwood:
Really?
Dav: yeah
dude look, you're
just so damn money.
Darkwood:
Thanks for the
confidence builder,
I needed that.
*shakes Dav's hand*
Nighteyes:
Are you guys even
listening to me?
Darren's gone.
Inside
the Pantaloon
Factory: Darren stumbles
over to a door and
opens it.
Darren:
Man I gotta piss
like a racehorse
Facing the door
Darren adopts his
stance and lets flow
right through the
doorway.
Darren:
Ohhh yeah, that's
just what I needed.
Finishing up
Darren walks away
from the door, which
now swings shut,
revealing the tag on
the outside of the
door which reads....
Incinerator
Flames furiously
lick up around the
door
Outside
at the Wagon: Dav climbs into
the drivers seat of
the millennium
coach. Rune and
Bronwyn climb into
the passenger area.
DW and Nighteyes
walk over to see the
group off.
Rune: Nice
travelin' with you
Darkwood. I'll catch
you later man. Good
luck with the whole
bride thing man.
*nods*
Darkwood:
Thanks, fare well
restoring a less
evil silly to the
land.
Bronwyn:
That reminds me
Runey, I need to get
back to organizing
my resistance
against the evil
empire of the CoL.
Do you think we can
make it back to the
Black Tower soon?
Rune:
Don't worry honey,
this coach is faster
than Balefire
Bronwyn:
Now I do like a man
who can properly
deliver a
catchphrase.
The Two fall into
each other's arms
and begin to kiss,
though they do
manage to pull the
drapes closed on the
passenger area of
the coach.
Darkwood:
Awww sweet. Hey Dav,
take it easy man.
Dav waves as he
sets the coach on
it's way, sure
enough it speeds out
of sight quickly.
Darkwood:
There that was
somewhat better,
hmmm, I really do
need to work on the
emotional scenes a
bit. *shrugs*
Nighteyes:
I didn't catch that,
what?
Darkwood:
Oh nothing, just the
musings of a
narrarator.
Nighteyes:
In that case would
you have any idea
where Darren is?
He's been gone from
the story forever.
At that moment
Darren walks calmly
out of the Factory
whistling a merry
tune.
Darren:
Man I'm entirely too
sober for my own
good. What do you
say boys, shall we
find ourselves a
tavern?
Darkwood:
I really should be
on my way to find my
bride.
Darren:
Say no more DW, just
follow me. I know
some bars where you
can't help but find
women my good Ogier.
Just stick with me
my young errant
friend. The Plaid
Ajah will take care
of everything.
Darkwood:
Well why not, let's
go.
Nighteyes:
Indeed.
As they turn to
go the entire
factory explodes
behind them.
Darkwood:
Explosions, Women,
Wagon chases, what
more is there?
Darren:
Plenty my errant
friend, plenty. Why
there's a young
Ogier chickie at a
bar I know in the
town of Amadacia
that can do the
craziest thing with
her ears. I'm sure
that's just your
speed.
Darkwood:
Well what are
waiting for?
On
the path to Amadacia: Jimmy and Odilon
walk along, suddenly
the pantaloon
factory explodes
loudly behind them.
Odilon: Oh
my God! Your factory
just blew up!
Jimmy:
Yup, figured that
would happen, it
always seems to in
these stories. Us
evil fellows never
win.
Odilon:
Shouldn't you be
more upset? there
must have been a lot
of members of your
army in there, along
with countless
dozens pantaloons.
Jimmy Nah,
we evacuated as soon
as Dimwood and his
fellows left, when
the good guys get
out, you know the
bad stuff's about to
happen. As for the
pantaloons, they
were just a decoy.
We knew if we set up
such a factory
Princess Bronwyn
would make a move,
and that would bring
you out into the
open. You see Odi,
this whole scheme
was a plot to bring
you out in the open.
We wanted you to
join us that badly.
Odi:
Really?
Jimmy:
Actually no, it
sucks that they blew
up our factory, but
i got to put the
best face on things
you understand?
Odi: Of
course. *nods*
Jimmy: We
still haven't lost
this fight of
course. Darkwood
still has to search
out his brother in
the city of Amadacia,
that will be our
last chance to mess
up his chances of
finding a bride. har
har har.
At that moment
Dave comes rushing
up.
Dave: We
got everyone out of
the factory before
it blew up Jimmy.
Jimmy:
Great, and what
about Paityr?
Dave:
Unfortunately Paityr
spotted us leaving,
and figured out that
the Factory was in
trouble, he got out
just before the
blast.
Jimmy:
Damn.
Dave: I
did steal his pez
dispenser though, he
cried like a girl.
Jimmy:
Excellent.
JUST
WHAT WILL COME
NEXT!!? Darkwood, |