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The
Adventures of
Darkwood the Ogier
~Part 3
Mandatory
warning. this
contains some very
crass humor and is
inappropriate for
people of all ages.
Those who currently
have respect for me
are encouraged to
stop reading these
now, and keep that
respect in tact. :)
I'm assuming no
one left, so let's
get on with the
story. Note:
remember I follow no
format guidelines. I
just write whatever
I feel like writing
at the time. The
story will actually
begin to take a more
coherent and let's
move this along
format. Something
will happen, maybe
even Darkwood
finding his bride.
Though I'm long
winded and really
unlikely to end this
at three. So
probably not that,
but Read the story
and find out!!!!!
or just skip to
the end. *g*
Part 3: Your
Mother
Well
as you may remember,
Darkwood left his
home by command from
his mother to find
himself a bride, On
his way he visited
his Grandma, who
left upon him
another command, to
seek out his brother
and whap him for
trying to kill her.
We've skipped ahead
a few days, as the
story will tell.
Darkwood had to
travel a long way in
search of his
brother. Now, we
take you to the
action. Do you have
any questions? Do
you have any
questions? Then
Let's Get it On!
Darkwood had
traveled 40 days and
roughly 13 nights,
the other nights he
spent cowering under
a tree in fear of
the dark. too bad
he'd left his night
light at home. Oh
well, next time he'd
remember to bring
it. If there is a
next time the
young Ogier thought
to himself bitterly.
Well
we could follow that
age old tradition of
just giving you one
brief sentence of a
character's thought
process but in this
story, you get to
hear a string of
Darkwood's thoughts,
just to get a better
idea of the fellow.
So, enjoy.
ha ha, of
course there will be
a next time, But I
love thinking
dramatic junk right
as the story zooms
into my thoughts.
Yeah, playing with
the Audience's Mind
yo. Thinking I'm
some kind of
sympathetic
character worried
about making it
home? pffft. Bah!
But of course
they're buying it.
They don't
understand how I got
my Errant youth
title, the drinking,
ooooh the drinking,
the carousing. The
Women! yes Good Lawd
the Women! Yeah I'll
make it home, or
wherever else I'm
going, and when I
get there they
better lock up their
daughters and run me
out of town cuz I'm
trouble with a
capitol T. All Hail
the Darkwood!!!! Oh
crap, is that rotten
bastard narrarator
letting the people
see my thoughts
right now? He Is! I
can tell. Oh Sh.........oot.
Wow, I hope I
make it back to my
mother in one piece,
and that she can
where her best hat,
it would be a shame
if it didn't turn
out right in the
end.
There, he
can't be still
monitoring my
thoughts. I didn't
cover that well
enough. Damn, Damn,
Damn! Rotten
narrarator. Why when
I catch that man in
a dark alley he's
gonna regret messing
with Dark fooking
Wood that's for
sure. Why first,
first I'm gonna.....
We
cut from that
because what he's
thinking now quite
honestly scares me,
erm, maybe that
whole thought thing
wasn't that good an
idea. *whistles
tunelessly* Hmmm,
maybe I'll send him
some adult Ogier
material, maybe that
will make everything
right between us
again. Oh, sorry,
are you still here?
Back to the story
people. C'mon,
nothing to see here,
move along, move
along.
Darkwood
continues down the
road thinking
pleasant thoughts.
Trust me they are
pleasant, despite
his apparent
muttering and that
snarl on his face.
He has traveled a
long ways to get
here, but finally he
is in the territory
of the one called
Jimmy. The evil army
was close, Darkwood
could feel it.
Even as that
realization is made
by this story, and
in a stroke of true
coincidence. the
evil army pops out
in front of young
Darkwood as he
walks. A raucous
group of over thirty
young evil doers,
led by a smarmy
looking young
fellow, exuding
arrogance and one
other thing, the
very essence of
humor eminates from
him, A truly silly
man this leader is.
The Evil Army
Leader: Well
well well what have
we here? Yet another
Ogier?
Darkwood:
Yes, I am Ogier, The
Name is Darkwood!
The Evil Army
Leader: yes, an
ogier, and one who
apparently doesn't
know a rhetorical
question when he
hears it. Har har
har.
That laugh,
Darkwood had heard
of it.
Darkwood:
It is you, Jimmy!
DUM DUM DUM!
The Evil Army
Leader: Yes, it
is I, Jimmy,
commander of this
here evil army, Dark
lord of the Pith.
Chief Aide to his
Majesty Emperor
Diablos.
DUM DUM DUM!!!!
A Dashing Man
Standing Next to
Jimmy: *looks
around* It sounds
like the dramatic
music boss, could
this youngster Ogier
be a threat to us?
Jimmy:
Preposterous Dave,
this Ogier is no
threat. In fact he's
a little dim
looking, especially
for an Ogier.
Dave: Yes
I see that now. har
har har. Ogier
Fellow, you are in
the presence of the
infamous Jim Blonde,
and me Dave
Brunette, known for
laughing cheap and
kicking sides. What
have you to say for
yourself?
Darkwood:
*cut to Darkwood
yawning and
stretching a little
bit.*
AHEM!
Darkwood:
Oh is it my turn? I
didn't realize, no
one said, sorry.
*checks the script*
no no no, we're
already way past
time, better skip
most of this. some
banter, Blah blah
blah, a few veiled
threats, yada yada
yada, a couple of
quick witty one
liners from the duo
of evil. oh those
are funny, but we'll
skip them anyway, I
am after all the
main character here,
I don't need them
stealing my thunder.
hmmm a little bit of
heated argument etc
etc etc. Ok here we
go......
Jimmy, I,
Darkwood, do not
need to take those
comments from you! I
am here for one
thing, and that is
to travel into the
territory controlled
by your evil empire
and find my
half-brother, step
aside and let me in!
Jim Blonde:
Har har har, you
think to tell me
what to do? Dave,
tell this, Ogier,
what we do to people
who try to dictate
orders to us.
Dave: erm,
dic what?
Jimmy:
*sighs* Oh never
mind Dave, just
stand there looking
handsomely rougish.
Dave: Got
ya boss. *strikes a
pose*
Jimmy: We
do not take orders
from the Ogier young
Dimwood.....
Dave: har
har har
Jimmy: And
there will be no
entrance into evil
army controlled
territory I'm
afraid. Now move
along young one. It
has been long since
I feasted on Ogier
meat, and I'm afraid
I really am quite
hungry. *gives an
order to members of
his evil army, who
advance on Darkwood*
Darkwood:
I'll be back! erm
probably anyway *and
then he runs off*
Dave: Har
har har. *strikes a
pose*
Darkwood runs and
runs, until finally
he collapses, secure
that he is far
enough away from the
evil army. Hmmm,
what will I do now?
My mother will kill
me if I don't find a
bride, and for some
reason I know I must
travel through this
evil territory to
find my dream girl.
Bah, My mother and
her hats. The
lightbulb flashes on
above Darkwood's
head that's it!!!
and he trudged off
on a new mission.
We
now go forward a
couple of days as
darkwood prepares
his plan. We could
show you him
actually putting his
plan into effect,
but that would give
away the ending, and
cut down on the
drama factor of what
we're about to see.
So let us just take
out some brief time
to talk amongst
ourselves. Let me
take this time to
sort of deal with
some details you all
might be interested
in. The next
installment of this
series might take a
while before it's
out, a couple weeks
perhaps, maybe more.
As part four shall
be a huge story, I
mean a HUGE story,
that is currently
being written, Well
actually it's not
being written as we
speak, because of
course I can only
write one story at a
time. But I have
started writing it,
and it's in a file
titled darkwood4 on
the old comp. So
watch for that
coming at you soon.
In the interim
Darkwood may have
some deviations from
the story with a
cast of silly folk,
perhaps even a silly
RP with multiple
members of DM, but
negotiations are
still in progress.
After that there
will come stories
5,6, and the finale
is 7. If I can keep
my attention span
long enough that is.
Other
things to deal with,
the sponsors of my
story, Tropicana
Pure Premium Florida
Orange Juice, no
pulp. It is what I'm
drinking most often
when I'm writing
this, I also drink
Pepsi sometimes,
when I need my
caffienation level
up. Both drinks are
excellent sources of
craziness. Also
country music
singers of America,
and Napster, who
have teamed up to
give me my listening
material as I write
this. Not a big fan
of country music,
I'm sucked in by it
anyway, and it
inspires me as I
write these. Also
I'm doing all the
writing for these
stories with 1st
Page 2000, a HTML
scripting program
from the people at
Evrsoft. A fantastic
program that has
many of the same
tools that front
page and Dreamweaver
has, sans a WYSIWYG
tool and a CSS
editor. But really
the former is just
for pansy scripters
anyway, and the
latter can be found
in other programs.
Best of all 1st Page
is free from
www.downloads.com or
their home site
which I don't have
the address of
presently. just look
it up and give it a
try. :) Finally all
the people who've
given me
encouragement in
these writings. and
all the folks I've
met at DM. Now,
let's get back to
the story. hehe
Darkwood now
returns to the site
of his first
confrontation with
the evil army, the
borders of the
armies territory.
there is no one
around at first, but
again, members of
the army seem to
simply appear out of
thin air. Jim and
Dave are once again
the front men for
the group.
Jimmy: So,
the Errant one
returns, I'm afraid
that was not the
wisest course of
action.
Dave: har
har har.
Darkwood
You think not? *rae*
I request passage
through your
territory, and also
for you to tell me
how to find my half
brother. We can do
this the easy way,
or we can do it the
hard way. *Darkwood
flashes an evil
grin*
Jim Blonde:
It seems you still
haven't learned your
lesson. *Jimmy
shakes his head
slowly* Dave, take
him!
Darkwood:
Not so fast jimmy,
Dave, I have someone
with me who wants to
talk to you. har....
har.....har.
While both Jimmy
and Dave look
confused Darkwood
motions towards the
nearest tree line
and out walks an
elderly lady, using
a walking cane.
Jimmy's intake of
breath sounds
throughout the
clearing.
Jimmy:
Mums?
The Old bag:
Yes Jimmy, it is me.
YOUR MOTHER!
Jimmy:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
YOUR MOTHER:
Yes, I must say I
didn't believe the
little girly ogier
when he first came
to me.
Darkwood:
Hey!
YOUR MOTHER:
*whaps Darkwood*
Shuddup you. Like I
was saying I didn't
believe the errant
little fellow at
first. I mean, how
could I? My Jimmy?
evil? No I said, it
couldn't be.
*sniffs* And yet
here you are, Evil!
How could you do
this to me? *wails*
Jimmy: No
No mumsy you have it
all wrong I'm not
evil, no of course
I'm not. I'm your
little Jimmy.
*grins*
Dave: Wait
a minute Jim but you
said....
Jim: shhhh
Dave: You
said we were evil
remember? we even
put the new evil
army shirts into
mass production,
then you laughed,
something like
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA,
that's pretty evil
if you ask me.
You're even up for
the evilist guy
named Jim in a
comedy series?
remember.
Jimmy:
*gives Dave a look*
Ignore my friend
Dave mums, remember
he's not quite all
there. Not playing
with a full deck,
his elevator doesn't
go all the way to
the top, he's not
the sharpest knife
in the drawer, you
hear what I'm
saying.
Dave: I
lost you there.
Jimmy:
don't worry dave my
friend, just some
metaphors, nothing
important.
Dave:
Meta-phors?
Jimmy:
Good *gives Dave a
cookie* There's a
nice girl over there
who was very
impressed by your
dashing manner, why
don't you go woo
her. *points off at
nothing*
Dave: Oooh
really!? *Dave gets
excited and wanders
off towards the
direction Jimmy
pointed* I don't see
her Jimmy.
Jimmy:
Just keep on going
and you'll catch up
with her sooner or
later, don't worry,
I'll catch up with
you later. *Dave
wanders off and
Jimmy turns to his
mother.* Now mums
YOUR MOTHER:
Don't Mums me you evil
evil evil
son o' mine.
Jimmy: But
Ma....
YOUR MOTHER:
But me no but's
young man. I've
heard enough, you
are indeed evil. Why
I've seen the
T-shirts, I know
what the deal is. I
remember you leaving
home on that fateful
day. My Jimmy, off
to save the world
from evil you said.
Off to fight crime
you claimed. *she
tears up* I was so
proud that day, I
wore my best hat!
And you betray me.
Jimmy: I
didn't betray.....
*she talks over him*
YOUR MOTHER:
My best hat. You've
taken my proudest
day and reduced it
to nothing. I can
never look at that
hat again! My best
hat, wasted, wasted
forever. How can you
have done this to
me? How? *sobs
incoherently about
her best hat*
Jimmy: Um,
sorry?
YOUR MOTHER:
Not good enough, it
was my best hat.
you've ruined the
moment forever. No,
I've decided, you
can no longer be
evil.
Jimmy:
*sighs* okay okay,
I'm not evil
anymore, that all
right. *mumbles* You
old biddy
YOUR MOTHER:
there are two more
things you need to
do.
Jimmy: Oh
what now? I already
said I wouldn't be
evil anymore don't
you believe me?
*crosses his fingers
behind his back* I
promise not to be
evil anymore. there,
you see?
YOUR MOTHER:
First, *she spoke
on* You must disband
this evil army you
have here. *looks
about at the others*
Look at you, what
would YOUR MOTHER's
say if they saw you
all now?
The Entire
Evil Army in Chorus:
Sorry Mrs. Blonde
YOUR MOTHER:
Harumph, Second
Jimmy, let this
errant little Ogier
pass. He's a
disgrace to his
mother as well.
Darkwood:
HEY!
YOUR MOTHER:
There's little hope
he'll ever amount to
anything, but the
only hope he does
have lies in passing
into this land
you're guarding my
son. Let him
through, and tell
him how to find his
brother it is the
only chance his
mother will ever
have to wear her
best hat, something
every mother should
have the opportunity
to do. *sniffs
pointedly* I will be
waiting at the next
clearing for you.
Don't disappoint me.
Jimmy: aw
come on do I really
have to help Dimwood
here mums? Why?
YOUR MOTHER:
Because I am YOUR
MOTHER! and you'll
do as I say. Now be
about it. I have to
get home in time to
watch my favorite TV
drama's. *she walks
off*
Jimmy:
*turns to his army*
You heard mums,
disperse all of you,
I will gather you
again, the time for
evil is not done
yet, no matter what
the old biddy
claims. *turns to
Darkwood as the army
leaves mumbling*
wipe that smirk off
your face, you have
your wish, your
half-brother can be
found in the silly
capitol of Amador.
The Children of the
Light will teach
you, my brothers and
sisters will make a
three course meal of
you. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I meant that
literally. You will
learn, how hopeless
your cause is, once
you meet your
brother. har har har.
*calls out over his
shoulder* Dave!
Come, let us follow
mums. *Dave wanders
back.*
Dave: I
never found any girl
Jimmy. *pouts
sexily*
Jimmy: No?
I wonder where she
went? ah well, no
matter. Let us go my
faithful sidekick.
*turns to Darkwood*
good luck in Silly
land.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
you're gonna need
it. Don't worry, I
will see you there.
We've not met for
the last time *walks
off*
Darkwood turns
and wanders towards
his goal, alone
again. He notes a
sign off to his
left.
Sillyland: a few paces, two
hops and a skip. And below it
someone had scrawled
something.
Welcome
to the Circus ~ JD Darkwood entered
silly land.
WILL
DARKWOOD FIND HIS
BRIDE? You
may or may not know
that this latest
installment of the
story has been made
into a movie.
following are some
reviews, let's see
what the critics
have to say about
Your Mother shall
we?
I just can't get enough of
Your Mother Your
Mother provides two
hours of solid
enjoyment For
Eight bucks a pop,
Your Mother is the
best deal in town. I
can't believe how
much I loved Your
Mother. It's been a
long time since I've
had that much fun. Young,
old, men, women,
Your Mother will
please the whole
family For
those that have the
bucks and don't mind
paying for it, Your
Mother is a definite
must. <authors
note> Alright
that was probably
just plain wrong and
certainly uncalled
for, but take to
heart I almost made
it much much worse,
but I contained
myself, still, my
bad. My black black
heart is clearly out
of control.
Complaints can be
sent Here.
and once again,
sorry if I
offended.</authors
note>
The End Darkwood, |