The
Ogier
Darkwood
set
out
from
the
stedding
Madan
early
one
morning,
not
too
early
though,
as
it
took
a
few
hours
to
figure
out
whether
he
would
have
Froot
Loops
or
Lucky
Charms
for
breakfast.
Eventually
he
had
just
poured
both
into
a
bowl
and
eaten
it
that
way.
Hasty
perhaps,
but
damn
he
was
getting
hungry.
As
he
traveled
less
than
merrily
down
a
road
which
for
all
that
the
ogier
grumbled
still
didn't
have
the
yellow
bricks
the
Elders
had
been
meaning
to
add
but
hadn't
yet
gotten
around
to,
Darkwood
could
still
remember
his
mother's
angry
face
the
day
before.
You
are
now
about
to
watch
a
time
warp
in
progress,
what
happens
in
the
time
warp
is
real,
it's
a
repeat
of
what
happened
yesterday,
because
frankly
yesterday
isn't
today,
and
today
is
where
our
story
begins,
the
story
simply
has
roots
that
extend
back
to
yesterday,
so
we
have
to
take
you
back,
to
increase
your
understanding.
Please,
do
not
try
time
warps
at
home,
Ed
from
down
the
block
tried
it,
and
look
what
happened
to
that
poor
bastard.
Time
is
warping
now,
please
do
not
click
a
link
while
time
is
warping,
you
will
not
like
the
consequences
of
doing
so.
Time
has
done
been
warped,
you
are
now
viewing
something
that
happened
yesterday.
(Setting
the
scene,
there
are
two
Ogier
in
this
picture
(a
Mother
and
a
Son
(the
Son
being
Darkwood(as
the
mother
is
of
course
Darkwood's
Mother
(Darkwood's
father
is
a
shifty
fellow,
who
spends
most
of
his
time
gambling
in
taverns
(he
also
likes
to
unzip
his
fly
in
crowded
places
and
scream
out
HOW'S
THIS
FOR
HASTY!?)))))
one
kitchen
stove,
two
kitchen
mats
that
say
JC
Penny
on
them,
three
randomly
organized
stacks
of
plates,
one
well
placed
Pepsi
can
with
the
label
facing
the
Camera,
a
Kenmore
dishwasher,
three
boxes
of
Hamburger
Helper,
Britney
Spear's
newest
CD,
two
cats,
a
dog,
and
a
2000
Chevy
truck
practically
obscuring
the
view
of
the
Ogier.(Gotta
show
love
to
the
sponsors
YO!)
yesterday's
paper
is
also
strewn
about
the
room
(tentatively
labeled
the
kitchen)
with
the
date
on
each
page
circled,
as
if
to
emphasize,
this
did
indeed
happen
yesterday.)
Darkwoods
Mama:
Darkwood,
I
found
these
magazines
in
your
room.
Care
to
explain
*she
brandishes
adult
Ogier
material.*
It
is
at
this
point
that
we
realize
we
have
simply
gone
too
far
back
in
time
yesterday,
apologies,
but
since
this
has
no
point
in
the
upcoming
story,
and
can
actually
be
quite
embarrassing
to
our
young
Ogier
hero,
I,
whoever
I
am
in
relation
to
this
story,
will
simply
distract
your
attention
until
the
moment
has
passed
and
we're
on
to
the
important
happenings.
We
could
try
a
mini
warp
into
the
future
but
I
heard
Andy,
the
Dominoes
delivery
guy
tried
that,
and
Damn
it,
You
ever
seen
what
happened
to
that
poor
bastard?
*shudders*
anyway
it
looks
like
they're
almost
done,
Darkwoods
Mamy
has
set
aside
the
offending
magazines
and
has
set
into
lecturing
mode.
(To
speed
up
typing
in
the
conversation
writing
process
Darkwood's
mother
will
from
henceforth
be
known
as
The
woman
who
spent
89
hours
in
labor
with
that
very
UN
hasty
Darkwood
and
still
doesn't
receive
an
ounce
of
respect
from
the
rapscallion.
And
Darkwood
will
from
this
point
on
be
referred
to
as
D)
The
woman
who
spent
89
hours
in
labor
with
that
very
UN
hasty
Darkwood
and
still
doesn't
receive
an
ounce
of
respect
from
the
rapscallion:
Darkwood
sweetie,
look
at
this,
do
you
see
what
mommy's
got?
*she
holds
up
a
never
before
used
and
brand
new
looking
type
hat.*
D:*shifts
nervously
because
he's
a
profit
and
he
know's
what's
coming,
either
that,
or
he's
read
my
notes.
The
bastard
better
not
have
read
my
notes.
Hmmm,
is
this
jelly
on
page
28?
WTF?
Oh,
yeah,
I
was
eating
that
jelly
sandwich
earlier.
Oh
and
for
those
of
you
that
have
lost
the
conversation
we'll
start
from
the
beginning.*
The
woman
who
spent
89
hours
in
labor
with
that
very
UN
hasty
Darkwood
and
still
doesn't
receive
an
ounce
of
respect
from
the
rapscallion:
Darkwood
sweetie,
look
at
this,
do
you
see
what
mommy's
got?
*she
holds
up
a
never
before
used
and
brand
new
looking
type
hat.*
D:
Um,
it's
a
hat?
The
woman
who
spent
89
hours
in
labor
with
that
very
UN
hasty
Darkwood
and
still
doesn't
receive
an
ounce
of
respect
from
the
rapscallion:
That's
right,
you
know
what
hat
this
is!?
This
is
my
best
hat!
I've
had
this
hat
since
before
you
were
born
and
you
know
what
Darkwood,
I've
never
worn
this
hat.
Do
you
know
why?
D:
Because
it's
probably
the
most
creator
forsaken
ugly
hat
I've
ever
seen
in
my
life?
We're
gonna
cut
from
this
for
a
moment,
yes
that
is
whapping
you
here
in
the
background,
but
we
in
the
Clan
or
Organization
Devoted
to
the
Protection
of
the
Ogier,
also
known
as
CODPO,
believe
that
while
hearing
of
or
knowing
Ogier
on
Ogier
violence
is
happening
is
one
thing,
actually
showing
it
to
the
weak
minded
among
you
who
would
see
this
and
immediately
go
out
and
abuse
our
Ogier
brethren
is
another.
The
whapping
is
finished,
Darkwood
appears
properly
cowed,
let
us
return
you
and
hopefully
end
this
because
it's
simply
NOT
Funny.
The
woman
who
spent
89
hours
in
labor
with
that
very
UN
hasty
Darkwood
and
still
doesn't
receive
an
ounce
of
respect
from
the
rapscallion:
Darkwood,
I
have
tried
to
be
respectful
of
your
errant
ness,
but
that
time
has
passed.
This
is
my
best
hat,
and
I
need
an
occasion
to
wear
it.
You
will
be
married
immediately,
and
I
will
wear
this
hat
at
the
ceremony.
Now
I
personally
have
tried
to
marry
you
off
to
many
young
ogier
girls,
but
your
reputation
has
preceded
you
it
seems,
as
there
is
no
Ogier
family
on
this
side
of
the
world
who
would
have
you
marry
their
daughter.
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY
WATCH
AS
GRAVEDIGGER
TAKES
ON
BIGGGGFOOT
IN
A
BATTLE
FOR
IT
ALL.....
Oops,
got
a
little
bored
and
changed
the
channel
of
my
mind,
sorry
bout
that,
what
you
just
heard
is
the
brain
patterns
of
my
weekend
gig.
Back
to
the
story
D:
What
do
is
all
this
about?
Hats?
I.....don't....understand.
The
woman
who
spent
89
hours
in
labor
with
that
very
UN
hasty
Darkwood
and
still
doesn't
receive
an
ounce
of
respect
from
the
rapscallion:
Well
firstly
son,
never
try
pause
acting
to
increase
the
drama,
William
Shatner
did,
and
look
what
happened
to
that
poor
bastard!
*darkwood
looks
to
interrupt
but
Mama
Darks
cuts
him
off.*
No,
there
will
be
no
more
debate,
You
are
going
to
go
out
in
the
world
tomorrow,
and
find
yourself
a
bride
willing
to
marry
you.
I
have
tried
to
and
failed,
now
it
is
upon
you.
Until
you
return
with
a
bride
to
be
YOU
ARE
NOT
MY
SON!
D:
Um,
okay,
damn,
you
need
to
relax
mums.
You
can't
see
this,
and
it
really
fooking
hurts
your
eyes
huh?
MWAHAHAHAHAHA,
well
if
you
could
see
this
you'd
know
we
were
going
back
in
time,
or
forward
in
time,
um,
we're
going
back
to
the
point
in
time
at
which
our
story
began.
Sit
tight,
and
don't
chew
your
gum
too
loud.
My
Dog
scruffy
did
that
during
a
time
warp
one
time,
And
look
what
happened
to
HIM!!!!!!!
*points
to
a
completely
normal
looking
dog.*
Okay
so
you
don't
see
it,
but
watch
this,
speak
scruffy,
speak.
And
just
what
the
*&%#
would
you
like
me
to
say
you
filthy
*#&@
*(@)*$?
eh?
yeah
I
thought
not.
*%@^
me!
See,
*sniffles*
tis
a
shame
Again,
don't
even
think
of
following
any
links
during
a
reverse
time
warp.
Haven't
you
already
learned
your
lesson?
(screen
fades
back
into
normal
time,
showing
a
lonely
Darkwood
set
out
on
foot
to
travel
the
world
in
search
of
a
bride.)
D:
*sigh*
Will
our
young
hero
find
a
bride? Will
he
stumble
upon
Gold
in
them
thar
hills
and
never
have
to
work
again? Will
he
find
his
way
to
Shayol
Ghul
and
slay
the
Dark
One
in
his
Ogier
teen
angst? And
Finally,
will
the
next
installment
of
this
be
funny?
Because
this
one
sure
wasn't!
Tune
in
again
next
week Couldn't
really
tell
you
what
time,
perhaps
never. But
if
it
does
go
down,
it'll
go
down
here,
somewhere.
Yup
Darkwood, In
search
of
A
Bride, The
Always
errant
youth.
Part
2
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