Del
n Earth
ISSUE
3 27TH OCTOBER 2004 Certified
20% funnier than Mel and Sue. |
Del
|
|
ISSUE
3 27TH OCTOBER 2004 Certified
20% funnier than Mel and Sue. |
Oompas deny Kilroy-Silk connection
Shock revelation: Right wing party may harbour xenophobic feelings Denies he has an orange phone, lives in a big orange house and shoves orange segments into his filthy orange mouth. Kids finally admit to being ignorant of their own clothing "I know nothing about the Ramones, but thought this t-shirt would make me look cool" said one guy who looked about 4. "it's so passé, that's what makes it!" Recent sales figures show the Ramones have sold more t-shirts than records. “I wasn't even born when Cobaine was alive” piped up a 12 year old sporting a Nirvana jumper “and I only know one of their tunes” he added (don't worry son…there was only one).
Women dressing like sluts for entirely new and different reasons. Since 16th century Paris, prostitutes have been setting the trends in women's fashion. What used to be exploitation by a narrow minded chauvinistic lead society, has in the 21st century an entirely different rational. "I like to see women empowering themselves with skimpy little numbers such as these, and welcome the increased number of S.I.T.City inspired neo-feminists who can shake their little asses whilst maintaining their dignity. I'm terrified that these women will take advantage of their new position and use poor men such as myself for their own shallow sexual fulfilment." said one gentleman, who himself used be a self confessed chauvinist bastard, before becoming a metrosexual new-man.
With soaps and dramas propagating myths of what is, and what isn't morally acceptable behaviour, pretty soon pretty much everyone will be screwing pretty much everyone else. Not a pretty situation, my pretties. BBC monopolises Radio broadcasts with less annoying interludes. Broadcasting regulators came to some startling conclusions when analysing the latest listening figures: the BBC is doing well - far too well. This is an outrage; the BBC giving too much value for money to the public, as much as 80% of the target youth audience listening to BBC. Radio one vowed to make their programming worse, playing worse music, employing more annoying DJs and self-promoting jingles to cater for audience who can't stand the other stations' annoying DJs and advertising jingles. BBC's new digital channels only cater for minority "target audience". BBC 3, the new digital station devised to cater for the 25-34 market was criticised last week in a rather obvious government sanctioned report. The main point being that it suffered poor market coverage, specifically, it only seemed to appeal to 25-34 year olds with digital receivers. On the other hand, the channel for toddlers CBeebies was criticised of being far too popular, not giving commercial rivals a chance to make a profit from channels with adverts for the pre-school audience. This "constrained" "under funded" station, according to the report criterion, represents poor overall value for money for licence payers. What remains unclear is how exactly can the public service broadcasters provide quality programming without it impacting the commercial sector? With highly popular quality programs such as "The Office" and "Natural world" series enjoying worldwide success, again the BBC has shown itself up - failing to make a profit for any of Tony's friends in the private sector. Government and regulators can't make up mind about what exactly BBC is doing wrong. (but either way it's just a matter of time before it'll be broken up and sold to private businesses to stop them stirring up any more trouble- in 2006 of the BBC's 10-year royal charter expires) FIA investigate legality of "overtaking" manoeuvre. INTERLAGOS, BRAZIL: After the grand prix of last weekend a stewards' inquiry is currently underway into the behaviour of some drivers. On the exit of the Bico de Pato curve, one car broke the orderly 60 lap procession and used a technique known as "overtaking" to move one place up the field- a tactic not seen since '92. Formula 1 head honcho Bernie Eccleston commented "Sure, cars pass each other at the start, and during the pit stops, but passing during the actual race...is that even allowed?" The rules of the sport are currently being scrutinised, and although the outcome won't impact the this year's results, who knows what effect this judgment will have on the 2004-05 season.
Time team special : Grotto in Lascaux, first “fast food” restaurant. by Tony Robinson One of the most fascinating archaeological finds of the 20th century was the discovery of the most ancient of all cave paintings in Lascaux, France. This site has been subject to several prior investigations by experts and much speculation about the life of ancient man, but what other mysteries would this site reveal to the TT crew? After geophys scanned the area, we dug several trenches and discovered flints, charred wood from fires and numerous bone fragments; clear evidence that animals have been cooked and eaten in this very cave system. In the entrance hall to the main gallery, the wall is covered in Palaeolithic depictions of ancient oxen, horses, mammoth, ibexes, and a stag. These pictures don’t appear to be just for decoration, the only logical conclusion is that this was clearly some kind of menu. Patrons would point and grunt at their chosen meal; the great culinary tradition of venison was present even at this early time, along with the French taste for horse meat. The polished stone beads found amongst the detritus were probably used as promotional free gifts for children's meals; parents encouraged by their offspring to return to the restaurant to collect all the other beads in the series. Several other caves at Chauvet and Cosque have been found, all bearing the same stonework décor, menu-like murals and evidence of cooking. The menu in Cosquer even offered a range of fish cuisine. Our artist drew a reconstruction of a couple of these caves and it becomes apparent that this was actually one of a chain of cave restaurants. From the facts we've gathered in the last two days, we can confidently say that the first pre-historic "McDonalds", was in fact French! Sacre bleu! Good work everybody! Let’s go get a drink, we deserve it.
Would you like fries with that? Boy band makes startling admission. "Don’t buy our sh#t...the stuff from 20 years ago is better. We can’t even play our instruments properly. Take the guitarist for example proclaiming “I rock” whilst being unable to play any minor cords, major 7’s and the drummer doesn’t know the difference between 4/4 and 2/4. You may wonder why our front man lacks passion, well, it's to be expected since he didn't write the words he's singing. He may pretend that he knows about music...but don't let that t-shirt fool you..." |
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Benny Hill approves official line
of Halloween costumes.
Want to look your best this Halloween? Why not choose from the range with the Benny Hill seal of approval; available from all good stockists now!
Benny is a tireless advocate for women's rights and equality in the workplace. Heavenly Angel: White chemise + halo + plastic wings Sexy Sergeant: Black undergarments + hat + truncheon. Kinky Devil: Red bra & pants, suspenders + horns + tail. Wicked Witch: Black bathing suit + pointy hat Promiscuous Nurse: White underwear, hat with red cross.
Available in sizes 8,10 and 12, C-DD cup. Rigorous testing involves Mr Hill personally chasing the girls over an assault course to check the quality of the stitching and workmanship used to produce each garment..
Animal lover keeps animal killing animal.
Each year 40 million small creatures perish at the claws and teeth of the domestic pets of so called “animal lovers”, and that’s just in the UK. It seems ironic when money, food and medical provisions are consumed by pets when a third of the world’s human population is malnourished with inadequate health provision. Did I say ironic? I meant damn stupid.
Driver brutally murdered for
hazard light infraction..
"It's certainly a hazard if you flash those things
at me as some kind of stupid compliment." said the angry driver whose name
shall remain anonymous. "These warning lights are not some kind of plaything; they're meant for stationary vehicles, broken down on hard shoulders or in vulnerable spots. They're definitely NOT a courtesy sign. And, just because your lights are blinking doesn't mean you can abandon your cars anywhere, do a U turn on a motorway or drive on the wrong side of the road! If that was some kind of invulnerability button on the dashboard wouldn't insurance companies offer special low rates to people who drive with their hazard lights on permanently?" he ranted.
"They're f#cking stupid anyway; if you can only see one side it looks like the
car is using a turn signal. Using them on a
moving vehicle is just asking for an accident, other road users might take
evasive action; a car in a side street could pull out thinking the idiot was
turning in. "That really would piss me off." Ghostbuster has close encounter with poltergeists. Scary story you say? I can tell you a story that will chill you to the bone! 10 years ago I went to a Halloween party, and had a close encounter of a different kind. Driving through a residential area, I was sure I could sense some kind of presence. If you were to ask me where there spirits present? I would have to say, most definitely. Yeah, I'd had a few beers. Suddenly the road was blocked by a gaggle of ghosts, appearing as if out of thin air, far too quickly for me to react. The howls and screaming were was truly horrific, but what really shocked me was when they bounced off the front of my truck. The impression that I got from the telly was that it's possible travel straight through ghosts, but I guess not! When I got home I went straight to bed to recover and the next morning, well, I wasn't quite sure if I'd dreamed it all. I went downstairs to the garage and found my windshield was covered in some kind of ectoplasm, but it wasn't like the green goo Slimer from Ghostbusters makes, this stuff was some kind of clotted red substance. Seeing that certainly didn't help my hangover.
A few days later, I read that a group of trick or treating children suffered a terrible end on that very same road! When I think back, the poltergeists I encountered did seem quite small- I'm now almost certain it was the ghosts of children I saw that very same Halloween night they died. Isn't that creepy? Dennis dropped from anti-bullying campaign I don't know what we were thinking nominating him as our figurehead" said a spokesperson for Childline. "it's clear that his violent harassment of more privileged and educated classmates is not compatible with our aims. In hindsight, perhaps employing a character renown as "the menace" wasn't such a good idea."
The constant victimisation of Walter by pit-bull owning, hob nail boot wearing, neighbourhood thug, Dennis. Would it be quite so funny if Walter was an ethnic minority, or if he ended up committing suicide after a bout of depression? What's eating up Dennis to make him such a nasty piece of work anyway? Wearing glasses, being smart and compassionate is his weakness for which he should be punished. What is the problem the machismo red-blooded hard-as-nails Dennis has anyway? Is he homophobe threatened by Walter's feminine side? Scared of his true feelings, a victim of a broken home, or has he been abused in other ways that have caused him to act this way? Perhaps a sequel should be drawn where Walter ends up as his boss, or with Dennis in the bar L with some charming softy screwing his wife. |
Engineering student discusses aeronautical impossibilities with large girl in angel costume : receives personal flying lesson. 5 alive? Johnny five traces psychological problems back to that time back in the 80's when he watched “The Terminator” Actress more famous for not having grey hair or wrinkles than for films she starred in.
Andi: getting old gracefully. Aromatherapist survives a whole decade marooned without "essential" oils. Swiss Army mobile phone recalled after first user impales himself. Camera, Mp3 player and hacksaw blade; developers admit their latest innovation is an inherently bad idea. Boy wizard experiments with hallucinogenic spells Animal hospital reports: ham cured, but pig D.O.A.
Postman turned hitman keeps slogan. Dolled up, chubby and pre menstrual; vindictive ladies set prime example of:
Patronising, nous sommes? <advertisement feature> Just as the Forman's awesome BBQing skill, inspired the George Foreman Grill, champion Mohammed Ali's new found ability to make milkshakes, mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs has inspired us to create a better kind of mixing machine.
Mohammed Ali Food mixer ™ : available from all good retailers $39.99 If one considers oneself better than the Jones', we have a car for one.
BMW 1: at one with one. Bush discovers irrefutable proof of Martian WMD
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| © Copyright 2004, Del on earth |
Loompas:
shades apart.
LONDON
PALLADIUM-
Norman Wisdom gave a scintillating performance
hosting the 2004 Hip-Op awards, reminding many of the
audience of the wit of an older
Billy Crystal, combined with the charm of a slightly-less-dead Bob Hope. “Many
of my friends have benefited from Dr Dre’s skilled hands in Hip-Op, the many
singles, and few double hip replacements that have enabled many pensioners to
walk this way.”
