The 20 Worst Songs: 1997-02
You could probably guess this, but, along with a "best" list, comes a "worst list": that's right, the 20 most pitiful tracks ever done over the last five years. These are the songs without creativity, without energy, without originality, without thought, without effort- in fact, the only thing that they're not without is something I can't mention on-line. Just like how the Top 100 exemplifies that music is art, the Worst List exemplifies the deepest violations of that concept. However, enough of the mud-slinging: let's just get right into it, shall we?
No. 20: Faith Hill- This Kiss
After a few seconds of this stinker, you wanted husband Tim McGaw to kiss her just so she'd shut up. Or maybe that'd be a bad thing, since she'd have MORE to sing about. Aaaarrrgh! Sometimes, I can't win.
No. 19: Ludacris f/Shawna- What's Your Phantasy?
What's MY phantasy? Getting this crap off the radio! Hip-hop, in my opinion, tends to be one of the worst musical styles in terms of art, as all the hip-hop artists- except for a few, brave, noble few- seem to be able to rap about- like "Loadocrap" here- are how many swear words they can roll or what positions they like in bed. Please. As Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst offered in his stinker, "Rollin'"- "Get some better beats/And some better rhymes". Please. By the way, this means you too, Fred.
No. 18: Mystical- Shake Your Ass
Who has the dumbest voice in all of rap? MYSTICAL! Not only that, but he follows the winning-but-tired-and-stale formula of rapping about sex. WHY? WHY!? This kind of rap almost never gets done right, so please, rappers, stop trying and save my ears.
No. 17: Groove Armada- I See You Baby
Yes, dance music is, in my opinion, the most artistic music in the world, but when it's done wrong- like in this stinker- it's downright horrible. After about the fifty millionth time the guy says "I See You Baby- Shakin' That A--" to an annoying dance beat, there's nothing more that I want to do but chuck the T.V. or radio. Anything to make it stop.
No. 16: Spice Girls- Stop
"Wannabe", easily the Girls' worst tune, failed to chart before March 1997, so their next worst is the ultra-childish "Stop", which is what I want to do before anyone plays this crap. This song was lyrically dumb, sung with a childish tone and overall sounding dumber than a doorknob- kind of like the Girls' music career, eh?
No. 15: 5ive- The Things You Do
I don't know what's worse: the song's overtly suggestive- and downright awful- lyrics, the dumb dance beat, the ultra-bad voices or the fact YTV (Canada's Nickelodeon) never bleeped out a single word of the song when they played it on their viewer-selected chart, especially when the chorus run-up got too racy for children (the target audience). Whatever, 5ive appear done and gone- thankfully so.
No. 14: O-Town- Liquid Dreams
What's with pop acts and suggestive lyrics? These guys not only did that, but decided to sing about celebrities giving them, ahem, certain kinds of dreams. Goak. I shudder just thinking about it.
No. 13: Marylin Manson- Astonishing Panorama Of The Endtimes
I was told once that artsy people absolutely love this guy- and, hey, I'm not about to stop them: they can like whomever they like, thank you. I don't, because Manson can't sing and his dark songs just come out sounding lamer than Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys, which is rarely ever achieved. This song epitomized everything that is Manson's crap, which is a lot of it.
No. 12: Alexia- The Music I Like
Dumb, dumb, dumb. For those of you who don't know her, Alexia is Italy's Britney Spears, only picture her having a ten-year career and about nine albums. Yep, nine. Okay, so I don't know the exact number, but every year she has some new crap for me to hear and every year I can't take it anymore. By the way, Alexia, this song is not included with "The Music I Like".
No. 11: The Cherry Poppin' Daddies- Zoot Suit Riot
Probably the silliest and worst moment in music history was the supposed swing revival during the summer of 1998, where so many orchestra bands tried so hard to replicate the 1920s jazz scene and ended up coming up flat. Swing can be done well, it's just that this brand came out so dull and effortless that they put the 1920s to shame, as obviously they couldn't figure out how to fully utilize the sound's potential. This song was picked because it embodied everything that the "revival" was- dumb, dull and depressing. Thankfully, by 1999 the bands fizzled out and saved my ears from further punishment.
No. 10: Tricky Woo- Let The Good Times Roll
Guys, they'll roll once this crap is done. These guys were Montreal independents, preceding The Strokes, The Hives and The Vines in offering awfully scratchy vocals amidst an annoying and messy rock backdrop. Maybe I can forgive the shortcomings because they're independents, but only a little: the way they sounded, they were just hopeless. Sorry guys.
No. 9: Willa Ford- I Wanna Be Bad
Good, you succeeded. Again, a pop act with suggestive lyrics (why? WHY?!), Ford was racier (and more pitiful) than Britney Spears ever was (which was pretty bad if you ask me). Thankfully, her act has bitten the dust.
No. 8: Dauphe & Celeste- Ugly
I could tell you why this song is horrible, but they do it for you in the title.
No. 7: Ja Rule & Jennifer Lopez- I'm Real (Murder Remix)
Somebody decided to call Ja Rule- arguably one of the worst rappers on record- "Mr. Save-A-Song" because his remixes tore up the charts, like this one. How he does it must be amazing, because this song is duller than a Monday morning drive stuck in a traffic jam. This song hit new lows in terms of dullness, as I don't think there is one decipherable beat in the entire track. I loved the original "I'm Real": you know, Ja, I think you're "Mr. Ruin-A-Song", thank you very much.
No. 6: The Vines- Get Free
Featuring the worst vocals ever known to mankind, The Vines' frontman Craig Nicholls sings like he has a hairball stuck in his throat and he's trying to get it out, producing a high-picthed, scratchy and annoying yell. You know, I can yell too: do I get a recording contract too? On second thought, I don't want one, thank you very much.
No. 5: B*Witched- C'est La Vie
I put this song on once and my friend told me "this song's for two year olds" and I agree. This crap from the Irish all-girl pop band, I think, would be hard-pressed to score a one on an IQ test. Just make it stop. PLEASE!
No. 4: Aqua- Barbie Girl
One-hit wonders in the U.S. with this awful, awful song. Like most pop acts, these Danes specialized in writing dumb songs, only this time it's an awfully simple song about- get this- the joys of being an actual plastic doll! I think I'm going to hurl now.
No. 3: Michael Bolton- If I Could Touch You Now
You know, many have said he has a deep and powerful voice: I think he sounds constipated. I mean, how else can you explain that annoying whine whenever he opens his mouth? This song best exemplified everything that- ahem- was Bolton.
No. 2: Britney Spears- I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman
I've never heard a more clueless and directionless poem in my life: in fact, this song isn't a poem, it's a mess. You know, Britney: if you're not a girl and not yet a woman, what are you anyway?
No. 1: Sianspheric- Nothing Stands
This song- from a small Canadian band- was played three times, max, on MuchMusic, and it's hard not to see why. Actually, this song doesn't even count as a song- it's just one continuous, annoying moan.
-DG
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