  Here's some extracts from Kurt's Journals from The Observer (thanks to Woody) NME and Q mag. The Journals include drafts of letters many of which were never sent but reveal his real thoughts. Hi, I'm 24 years old. I was born a white, lower middle class male off the coast of Washington state. My parents owned a compact stereo component system molded in simulated wood grain casing and a 4 record box set featuring am radios contemporary hits of the early seventies called "good vibrations" by Ronco. It had such hits as Tony Orlando & Dawns "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" and Jim Croches Time In A Bottle. After years of my begging they finally bought me a tin drumset with paper heads out of the back of a Sears catalog. Within the first week my sister poked holes in the heads with a screwdriver. I cried to "Seasons In The Sun". My mother played a song by Chicago on our piano, I don't remember the name of the song but I'll never forget the melody. My aunt gave me a blue hawaiian slide guitar and amp for my 7th birthday. She also during those first precious years had given me the first 3 Beatles albums for which I am forever grateful knowing that my musical development would have probably come to a halt if I had to soak up one more year of Carpenters and Olivia Newton John.  I'd be better off if I kept my mouth shut. But there's a cool breeze chapping my lips as my jaw hangs open discharging waterfalls of guilty drool. My eyes are pinned and the stupid fucking British press bought the lie that I suffer from narcolepsy. Yeah, talkin bout drugs. Opening my mouth for the disaffected youth to ask them a question. Are you gay? Bisexual? A bigot? A redneck? A prom queen? A porn star? A topless dancer? Did you know the king, the king of Rock n Roll Elvis Presley died in the bathroom face down, pants down, choking on blue shag carpet with the remainder of his stool proudly sticking out of his big fat ass? Are you kinda mad sometimes at your mom or dad kinda, in a way? I went on a three week Heroine Binge after our last European tour, got a little habit, kicked it in a hotel in three days [sleeping, kicking, vomiting and the worst gas you'll ever know] Then 3 days later we went on a Australian tour and on to Japan during which I collected a very distressing stomach disorder. Went to a doctor and he gave me stomach pills that I've had before and didn't work and some five milligram methadone tablets. They stopped the stomach pains, I ran out when I got home then went to a hospital for a few days to recover from that. More bad gas. 
Hope I die before I turn into Pete Townshend. At this point in our uh, career, before hair loss treatment and bad credit. I've decided that I have no desire to do an interview with Rolling Stone. We couldn't benefit from it because the Average Rolling Stone reader is a middle aged ex hippie-turned hippiecrite who embraces the past as "the glory days" and has a kinder, gentler, more adult approach towards liberal conservatism. The average Rolling Stone reader has always denied the underworlds musical options unless it becomes an obviously safe commodity. I've always felt it was kind of necessary to help out the "now Generation" internally destroy the enemy by posing as or using the enemy. But the now generation doesn't read Rolling Stone, so we'll just sit around and wait until the old school starves like dinosaurs while the diaper school begins to litter the floors of Wall Street with "Real love" - revolutionary debris. Smells like thirty something. I would only wear a tie dyed T shirt if it were dyed with the urine of Phil Collins and the blood of Gerry Garcia. Dear Empty TV The Entity of all Corporate Gods. How fucking dare you embrace such trash journalism from an overweight, unpopular at high school, cow who severely needs her karma broken. My lifes dedication is now to do nothing but slag MTV and Lynn Herschberg who by the way is in kahoots with her lover Kurt Loder [Gin blossom drunk]! We will survive without you. Easily. The old school is going down fast Fuck Face. Kurdt Kobain Professional Rock Musician Hi Ian and Nikki Happy New Year, Merry Xmas, Happy Halloween, Happy Valentines day, Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Birthday. Maybe sometime next year I could squeeze my friends into my rock-schedule and we all could go shriner bowling. Love Kurdt  Kurt was my best friend not yours... Courtney, When I say I love you I am not ashamed, nor will anyone ever ever come close to intimidating, persuading, etc me into thinking otherwise. I wear you on my sleeve. I spread you out wide open with the wing span of a peacock, yet all too often with the attention span of a bullet to the head. I think it's pathetic that the entire world looks upon a person with patience and a calm demeanor as the desired model citizen. Yet there's something to be said about the ability to explain ones self with a toned down, tune deaf tone. And I will say it: I am what they call the boy who is slow. How I metamorphosised from hyperactive to cement is for lack of a better knife to the throat uh, annoying, aggravating, confusing as dense as cement. Cement holds no other minerals. You can't even find fools gold in it. It's strictly man made and you've taught me it's ok to be a man and in the classic mans world I parade you around proudly like the ring on my finger which also holds no mineral. Love Kurt In movies the film maker tries to depict true life instances. The most interesting occurrances during the subjects time frame are picked out of a span of time. Time is much longer than a movie can show and a viewer will have the patience for. Therefore we don't realize how time plays such a gigantic part in the leading up to events. Two people may have dinner for 2 hours but only 30 seconds of the most interesting parts of the conversation will be used. I feel time and a persons ability to understand time is very important, it's the only way I can relate to you the very real way a person becomes addicted to substances. If we realize and remember things happen over a period of time then we may understand how almost everyone who tries hard drugs ie heroine and cocaine will eventually become literally, a slave to these substances. I remember someone saying if you try heroine once you'll become hooked. Of course I laughed and scoffed at the idea but I now believe this to be very true. Not literally, I mean if you do dope once you don't instantly become addicted it usually takes about one month of every day use to physically become addicted. But after the first time your mind says ahh that was very pleasant as long as I don't do it every day I won't have a problem. The problem is it happens over time. Let's start with January 1st let's do dope for the first time. Conciously you won't do it again for maybe a month. February you'll do it twice. March 3 days in a row. February, 3 days in a row and once more at the end of the month. March, maybe not at all. April 5 days in a row skip 3 once more. May 10 days in a row. During those ten days it's very easy to lose track of time it may seem like 3 days but two weeks can go by. The effects are still as pleasant and you can still choose what days you do it so naturally there must not be a problem. With everyone sometime at least once a year some sort of crisis happens to everyone, the loss of a friend or mate or relative this is when the drug tells you to say fuck it. Every drug addict has said fuck it more times than they can count. This example has only taken one page but within a year of casual heroine use the person has had more days off dope than on. It can slowly and gradually consume you because there are 24 hours in a day and no one wants to be hooked. It doesn't happen as fast as it does in a movie because a movie quickly has to show all the juicy stuff within 2 hrs. 2 hrs out of a years worth of casual drug use is nothing. By the time you've said fuck it the long process of trying to stay off begins. The first kick is usually easy if you have pills. You basically sleep. Which is bad in my opinion because you think if it's that easy I could get hooked and kick for the rest of my life. By the second and third time it becomes very different. It takes sometimes 5 times longer. The psychological effects have set in and are as damaging as the physical effects. Every time you kick as time goes by it gets more uncomfortable. Even the most needle phobic person can crave the relief of putting a syringe in their arm. People have been known to shoot water, booze, mouthwash etc... Drug use is escapism whether you want to admit it or not. A person may have spent months, years trying to get help but the amount of time one spends trying to get help and the years it takes to become completely drug free is nothing in comparison. Every junkie I've ever met has fought with it at least 5 years and most end up fighting for about 15 25 years, until finally they have to resort to becoming a slave to another drug the 12 step program which is in itself another drug/religion. If it works for you do it. If your ego is too big start at square one and go the psychological rehabilit. true way. Either way you've got at least 5 to 10 years of battle ahead of you. [it really disturbed me reading this, realising he had no chance of getting off it, and he knew it, he put it in a way I've never seen before that I could understand] We are willing to pay for the majority of pressing of 1000 copies of our LP, and all of the recording costs. We basically just want to be on your label. Do you think you could please! send us a reply of Fuck off, or Not interested so we don't have to waste more money sending more tapes? thanks NIRVANA  Dave, A band needs to practice, in our opinion, at least 5 times a week if the band ever expects to accomplish anything. We're tired of total uncertainty every time we play a show, we think ... "Are we going to suck"? "Are we tight yet"? We have shows and we don't practice! The two main reasons are, Chris and his work and you and your location. Chris can eventually alter his work schedule and at least practice every week night. When we started with you, you claimed you could make it up 4 times a week and would move up here by July or August and it would be no problem for you. We were very hesitant to ever try this because of our experience with driving back and forth to Aberdeen and we knew it would eventually get on your nerves. We don't blame you at all for being tired of driving and we realize what a problem and hassle it is to get someone else to drive you up, but even if you could make it up every day we don't start until 8.30 or 9.00, which is not enough time to even go through the set. We know how long it takes to build a house and you won't move up here as soon as you have claimed, and in our morals and values, fixing up a race car isn't half as important as getting to practice or recording or touring. We also aren't convinced that you would get time off, or quit your job next winter to go on tour. The overall aspect of this situation is nothing more than selfish. Getting a name on a record isn't shit. Anybody can do it, but there's a big difference between credentials & notoriety, and self respect through music. Instead of lying to you by saying we're breaking up or letting this go any further we have to admit that we've got another drummer. His name is Chad, he's from Tacoma and he can make it to practice every night. Most importantly, we can relate to him. Let's face it, you are from a totally different culture. Our hobbies and interests are different and a band can't be a unit unless all the members are compatible. We have really appreciated your loyalty and dedicated attempt at keeping this band alive. You're a great drummer and we hope you pursue another band very soon. We expect you to be totally pissed off and hate our guts and we don't blame you, because this is very sudden and we have not tried to warn you that this was happening. This is not your fault. It's ours. We should have known it wouldn't work, but your enthusiasm and clear headed thinking made us want to try it. And we feel really shitty that we don't have the guts to tell you in person. But we don't know how mad you would get. All the luck to you and Laney and your drumming career. And if you wouldn't mind, we would like to suggest to other bands looking for drummers to check you out because your talent shouldn't go to waste. Please let us know when it is in your convenience for us to bring your drums & mic down. When you want to discuss this with us call. Sorry. Kurt Chris PS. Lani - Thanks for driving Dave up all the time - I know what an awful drive it is. Shelli & I enjoyed spending time with you while they were practicing. Call us sometime & we can get together and do something - Tracy & Shelli. Oh lord the guilt of sucksess. During the past two years I have slowly come to the conclusion that I do not want to die. I am now no more of a recluse than I used to be. I lived in the kingdom for a few years hiding in a little apartment. And now I stand in my room without a sand box on punk rock show attendant ratio I would say it's about the same. I am still equally annoyed and equally impressed with the same old familiar ritual of standing in a room full of people hoping to feel a vibration that runs through my back when I hear a familiar song or see an enigmatic performance from a collection of people who choose to strap on pieces of wood which are electrically activated and manipulated. I've never claimed to be a punk rocker. I was inspired by it, as much as Led Zeppelin or Aerosmith.  NIRVANA is from Olympia WA, 60 miles from Seattle. NIRVANAS Guitar/vocalist [Kurt Kobain] and Bass [Chris Novoselic] lived in Aberdeen 190 miles from Seattle. Aberdeens population consists of highly bigoted redneck-snoose chewing-deer shooting, faggot killing-logger types who "ain't too partial to weirdo new wavers". [Chad] drums is from an island of Rich kid-LSD Abusers. NIRVANA is a trio who play Heavy Rock with Punk overtones. They usually don't have jobs. So they can tour anytime. NIRVANA has never jammed on Gloria or Louie Louie. Nor have they ever had to rewrite these songs & call them their own. NIRVANA is looking to put their music to vinyl or accepting a loan of about $2,000.00. Kurdt 1. Send some fucking demo tapes. Get Chad to fucking ? over some money. 2. Press kit. 1. Get a hold of Charles and Alice to get some pictures. 2. Have Tam write out a storyline. 3. Then copy them off. Simple! 3. Find a practice place. 4. Call Nann Warsaw in Chicago. Ask if she has any connections with Touch-n-go. Also ask for her to send a list of Prominent Magazines & Record Stores that we could make contacts with. I am overly concience of the sincerity in my voice I like to have sex with people I love my parents yet I disagree with merely everything they stand for I understand and appreciate the value of religion for others My emotions are affected by music Punk rock means freedom I use bits and pieces of others personalities to form my own 
I like to complain and do nothing to make things better. I like to blame my parents generation for coming so close to social change then giving up after a few successful efforts by the media & government to deface the movement by using the mansons and other Hippie representatives as propaganda examples on how they were nothing but unpatriotic, communist, satanic, inhuman diseases. And in turn the baby boomers become the ultimate, conforming, yuppie hypocrites a generation has ever produced. I like to calmly and rationally discuss my views in a conformist manor even though I consider myself to the extreme left. I like to infiltrate the mechanics of a system by posing as one of them, then slowly start the rot from the inside of the empire. I like to assasinate the lesser & greater of two evils. I like to Abort christ I like to fuck sheep I like the comfort in knowing that women are generally superior and naturally less violent than men. I like the comfort in knowing that women are the only future in rock and roll. TOP 50 [albums of all time] by NIRVANA Raw Power - Stooges Surfer Rosa - Pixies POD - Breeders Pink EP - Vaselines Philosophy of the World - Shaggs Land Shark - Fang Millions of Dead Cops - M.D.C. 1st EP - Scratch Acid 1st EP - Saccharin Trust Pee Pee the Sailor - Butthole Surfers My War - Black Flag Rock for light - Bad Brains Entertainment - Gang of Four Nevermind the Bollocks - Sex Pistols It's only Right and Natural - Frogs Dry - P.J. Harvey Daydream Nation - Sonic Youth Get the Knack - The Knack Know Your Product - The Saints Anything by: Kleenex Raincoats LP - Raincoats Colossal Youth - Young Marble Giants Rocks - Aerosmith What is this? - Punk Comp California Green - R.E.M. Burning Farm Cassette - Shonen Knife Typical Girls - Slits Combat Rock - Clash Void/Faith EP - Void/Faith Rites of Spring - Rites Of Spring Jamboree - Beat Happening Tales of Terror - Tales of Terror Last Sessions Vol 1 - Leadbelly Superfuzz Big Muff - Mudhoney Yip Jump Music - Daniel Johnston Generic Flipper - Flipper Meet The Beatles - Beatles We are those who ache with amorous love - Half Japanese Locust abortion technician - Butthole Surfers Damaged - Black Flag The Record - Fear Flowers of Romance - PIL Takes a nation of millions - Public Enemy Beach Party - Marine Girls The man who sold the world - David Bowie Is this real? - Wipers Youth of America - Wipers Over The Edge - Wipers Mazzy Star - Mazzy Star Raping a Slave - Swans OH THE GUILT THE GUILT (by: KurDt disclaimer-boy) I kind of feel like a dork writing about the band and myself like this as if i were an American pop-rock icon, demi god or a self confessed product of pre packaged, corporate rebellion. But ive heard so many insanely exhaggerated wise tales and reports from my friends, and ive read so many pathetic, second rate, freudian evaluations from interviews, regarding our personalities and especially how im a notoriously fucked up heroine addict, alcoholic, self destructive, yet overly sensitive, frail, meek, fragile, compassionate, soft spoken, narcoleptic, NEUROTIC, little, piss ant who at any time is going to O.D, jump off a roof and wig out, blow my head off or all three at once because I CANT HANDLE THE SUCCESS! OH THE SUCCESS! THE GUILT! THE GUILT! OH, I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY GUILTY! GUILTY for abandoning our true comrades. the ones who are devoted. the ones who have been into us since the beginning. the ones who (in ten years when were as memorable as KAGA GOO GOO) will still come to see NIRVANA at reunion gigs at amusement parks. sponsored by depends diapers, bald fat and still trying to rawk. MY favorite recurring piece of advice from concerned idiots is: "Man, you have a really good thing going. your band is great. you write pretty good songs and youve sold a shit load of records but, hey man, you should get your personal shit together. dont freak out and get healthy." Gee I wish it was that easy but honestly, I didnt want all this attention, but im not FREAKED OUT! which is something a lot of people might like to see. Its entertaining to watch A rock figure whos become public domain mentally self destruct. But im sorry ill have to decline. Id like to freak out for you. maybe Crispin Glover and others like him should join our band. At the end of the day I laugh my ass off knowing ive gotten about 30c from this dork. Mr advice. Sometimes it feels as if weve pulled a minor rock and roll swindle because im not nearly as concerned with or about myself, the band or anyone as much as the media would like us to believe. I think the problem with our story is that there isnt an exciting enough truth for a good story. Oh, and another thing. I am not a heroine addict! [at this point there is an arrow pointing to a block of text at the end of the page] for the past three years ive suffered a rather unconclusive and uncomfortable stomach condition. which by the way is not related to stress which also means is not an ulcer because there is no pattern to the burning, nausious pain in my upper abdominal cavity. its like russian roulette, I never know when it will come on, I can be at home in the most relaxed atmosphere, sipping natural spring water, no stress, no fuss, and then wham! like a shot gun: stomach time is here again. then i can play 100 shows in a row, guzzle boric acid and do a load of television interviews, results: not even a burp. This has left doctors with no ideas except the usual, "Here Kurdt, try another peptic ulcer pill and lets jam this fibre-optic tube with a video camera on its end down your throat for the third time (called an ENDOSCOPE) and see whats going on in there. yep, your in pain. the stomach lining is extremely red and inflamed. this could be life threatening. try eating ice cream from now on" Please lord! to hell with hit records, let me have my very own unexplainable, rare, stomach disease named after me. The title of our next double concept album could be called "COBAINS DISEASE". A rock opera all about vomiting gastric juices, being a borderline annorexic-Auschwitz-grunge-boy. And with this epic, an accompanying ENDOSCOPE rock video. [the block of text the arrow points to] I am the product of seven months of screaming at the top of my lungs almost every night. seven months of jumping around like a retarded rheesus monkey. seven months of answering the same questions over and over. The cherub, little scruff you've grown to know from the back of the nevermind album is proof that film adds ten pounds to your body, because ive been the same bird weight since ive had the dreaded gut rot. Well ive spewed enough, probably too much but oh well. for every one opiniated, pissy, self-appointed rock judge-cermudgeon, theres a thousand screaming teenagers. hope i die before i turn into Pete Townshend.  |
